silicone Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I screwed up badly - I was in a weak position and received an unexpected call from a girl, (who I now understand) has been trying to pursue me. She knew information about my past which could wreck me, information which I hadn't disclosed to my girlfriend at the time. I managed to wrangle down her request, to only changing my facebook relationship status from "In a relationship" to "In a relationship with xxx". Note that my girlfriend's relationship status on facebook has been set by her as "Single". Well my girlfriend saw it, understandably wasn't happy, and didn't want to talk to me. I offered her full disclosure of the events, including the Facebook chats that occurred between myself and this other girl. She knows my facebook password and I even asked her to go through it. I don't think she has otherwise I'd know. I gave her a week to take it in, and she told me that she had family problems and couldn't deal with it. The next week, I asked her if she still loved me and she told me that she couldn't give me an honest answer. At that point, I initiated a period of No Contact between myself and her as things were just getting heating. At the point, I had already paid the price of a friend's betrayal, and was still paying the price for my training provider going into examination prior to liquidation. Further, that day I also found out that I had a very low sperm count and it was possible that I wouldn't easily be able to have children in the future. I also had a practical assessment the next day - I wasn't exactly thinking straight. The NC didn't go well, as I ended up temporarily breaking it to inform her about her being brought into blackmail by a common acquaintance. After that was resolved, I reset the timer. This week, she broke it, and ended the message with "Night" which she wouldn't do if she was angry. I responded to her message, but she didn't. Today, I sent her this as it is having an adverse affect on me, mentally: Chloe, I am going to Rotherham tomorrow for one week to visit family. It is now that I have decided that I must have clearance and clarification on what you want to do regarding our relationship, I'm not going to be near my phone much for the week so don't bother replying until you have properly thought about this. I am not going to play games nor am I going to left in suspense. I find it obvious that you do care about me, and I recount what you said earlier in the year: "I love you more than I can describe.." or so to that effect. Love doesn't just die. This year has already been difficult for me, especially with what's happened in Florida, my training and my significant loss in finance which has made me vulnerable, further compounded by Jamie's actions and the direct consequences of that. I have been very patient with you: it's not been easy trying to work through things especially with the little contact we have had as you were in France for around 6 months. Remember that I've practically ignored everything Carolynn has said which could make be break up with you. The situation with my parent's marriage and my sister losing another baby hasn't made things any easier for me, yet I have no decision but to continue what I am doing. I am fortunate enough that I've been somewhat strong enough to continue trying to make ends meet, even if this is does result in me working a job to generate sufficient income to support everyone. I have always loved you and you know this. You know that I wouldn't hurt you and I vehemently deny your accusation that I cheated on you. I did what I thought was in your best interests. Did I do something wrong? Yes, I admit it. I was in a position of weakness - one that I doubt even you have been in before. I have offered my full co-operation in resolving this. Have I got issues that affected things? Yes - and they are related to our relationship - I only recently started to open up to you because I'm finding it difficult to trust people, to trust my own judgement which has failed me in the most undesirable way possible. I do trust you more than anyone else - you're always the first person to know things. I have supported you emotionally and financially, not just because I seek to protect you as your boyfriend, but because it makes me satisfied to know that I can help you, that I can care for you, that I love you. If you want this relationship to continue, I can and will give you my full support, regardless of your actions and the changes which will occur - yes, HRT. I am aware that you'll be hormonal, and I am prepared to deal with it. I am not scared of commitment. Note that we will need to work on our relationship because I feel that there are so many things wrong - and having to prove to my people, especially my parents, that we are indeed in a relationship is utmost extremely humiliating. My counsellors who have been helping me deal and overcome my insecurities are aware of things I find unacceptable or wrong in the relationship, as it all comes back to the one thing, but even they cannot understand why I've allowed myself to endure so much pain. Fortunately, my insecurities don't make me seek external validation. The only reason I have decided to initiate personal training is because I am scared that you will no longer find me attractive - I am trying to make myself more marketable to you, it is a personal decision that I would have hoped that you'd welcome. An unfortunate consequence of my decision to alter by body composition is that I am getting attention, something I have not dealt with before. How am I handling it? I don't know, but I will continue to work on my body as I see fit and will allow my peers to assist me as well as ignoring it. The only attention that I take into account is yours, because at the end of the day, yours is the only one that counts. Do you know how it feels to be a challenge to some girls? It's pathetic and it hurts. I am not perfect, we all make mistakes. As I've said continuously throughout the year, I am working on our future - something that I value. Yes, I've hit a large stumbling block, but I cannot afford to waste time now. I have managed to get things to progress smoothly in most areas concerned after all that has happened. You know my aversion to infidelity, mostly fuelled by the effect it has had on my family, but I know my limitations - why do you think I immediately contacted you in Florida after I mismanaged attention from a girl on the internet? I haven't looked at anyone in the same way as I look at you - you hold my heart - but I'm not going to play games; all I ask for is honesty, and I am prepared to give you the same - I am a patient person. It's difficult enough for me to be attracted to someone. I know you are stressed with your transformation and your family issues, and I know you more than you think, just like you know me more than I know myself. You even picked up on something in August when I demanded that you on come on IRC as I felt as if you were ignoring me. I am not asking you for forgive me now, nor am I asking you to let go of what happened - all I ask is that you allow us to work through it, to help us both understand why I did it. I've given you near full disclosure of my happenings, my past and what I intend to do in the future. I still have to fight my family where we are concerned, but that is a battle that I'll have to do alone. Even if you have lied to me about everything up to this point, I'd still accept you - because that's what part of love is: knowing someone's faults and still accepting them. Since September, you've been sending me mixed signals, and I'm not going to put up with any crap anyone throws at me. If this relationship is going to be terminated, you will be the one to execute it. I am determined to make this work, and it would be a real shame to throw away everything I've done for you, and you have done for me in the past year. I am not angry at you. It's up to you now, the ball is in your court. Either way, I will respect your decision. Aside from that, I've just got a job in which the pay is ok, but I don't know any 19 year olds with a salary of £23k.
lukas Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I don't know exactly what you did but this is one hell of a convoluted situation. While I do think giving her an ultimatum was a very bad idea, it's too late to take it back now
Author silicone Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 I don't know exactly what you did but this is one hell of a convoluted situation. While I do think giving her an ultimatum was a very bad idea, it's too late to take it back now I think she pretty much said it herself when she said: "What im saying is that your saying you won't let me go and that your not going to give up on us but you can't force someone to love you, I need time". It might be convoluted but I don't feel like she's respected me at all.
lukas Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I think she pretty much said it herself when she said: "What im saying is that your saying you won't let me go and that your not going to give up on us but you can't force someone to love you, I need time". It might be convoluted but I don't feel like she's respected me at all. It's hard to know what she really thought, but that is a valid point. It's unfortunate but she apparently isn't in love with you, and I doubt she ever will be. I do think you should be going farther in your no contact policy in the future - delete her off of facebook, delete her number etc. That way even if you have the temptation you will not be able to contact her. I understand how hard that can be to do but it is a necessary step.
charasbb Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 It's hard to say what exactly happened in your relationship,but you acknowledge that you mislead her or hurt in some way. It seems that you are being quite pushy and forcing her to make a decision which I do not think is the best route if you want to be with her. You said she needed time and that she said she was going through some family drama of her own. I don't think it's up to you to set the ultimatum if you messed up. Let her come to you when she's good and ready or you may just push her away.
Author silicone Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 It's hard to know what she really thought, but that is a valid point. It's unfortunate but she apparently isn't in love with you, and I doubt she ever will be. I do think you should be going farther in your no contact policy in the future - delete her off of facebook, delete her number etc. That way even if you have the temptation you will not be able to contact her. I understand how hard that can be to do but it is a necessary step. There's a complete discourse in what she's telling me - I mean, it goes from loving me to not loving me. How am I meant to understand that? It's hard to say what exactly happened in your relationship,but you acknowledge that you mislead her or hurt in some way. It seems that you are being quite pushy and forcing her to make a decision which I do not think is the best route if you want to be with her. You said she needed time and that she said she was going through some family drama of her own. I don't think it's up to you to set the ultimatum if you messed up. Let her come to you when she's good and ready or you may just push her away. Believe, the last thing I want to do is push her, but I am at the stage where I am wrecking myself of this - it's not healthy for both of us. I just feel like I haven't been respected at all. We only talk on her terms. I have had to push her to talk in the past - I mean a month without contact is not good, but she still tells me that she loves me. I jokingly asked her to marry me, and she said yes.
lukas Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 There's a complete discourse in what she's telling me - I mean, it goes from loving me to not loving me. How am I meant to understand that? Quite simply, you aren't. She is trying to justify ending things in her own mind and in a way that you can understand. I still don't know exactly what you did in the past that was so horrifying, but that may only be a part of it
Author silicone Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 (edited) Quite simply, you aren't. She is trying to justify ending things in her own mind and in a way that you can understand. I still don't know exactly what you did in the past that was so horrifying, but that may only be a part of it I will tell you what happened though. Girl tries to pursue me for months, I brush it off - given that I've never met the girl and I don't know much about her. She argues with me about my relationship in the hours even the primary event. I am having to prove to her that I am in a relationship, despite my girlfriend's Facebook status, which she has set on her new facebook profile. I'm also nothing that she appears to be ignoring me on Facebook. Girl calls home, pretending to be my girlfriend. We argue and she effectively blackmails me with information about my past which I haven't revealed to my girlfriend yet. I mange to reduce what she's asking for, but I'm already stressed because of my parent's marital problems, my own financial issues and the fact that I have a practical assessment the next day. I only agree to temporarily change my facebook status for a few hours, and I did so. I tried to call my girlfriend but couldn't get through to her, before I changed the status. Apparently having your facebook status to "In a relationship" but with no one to mention means that you're playing hard to get and you're a challenge? I didn't know this, but this is what my peers have been telling me since. Girlfriend sees this, gets understandably upset, and unfriends me off Facebook. I ask her why she did this, and she tells me that she doesn't want to hear it. I offer her full disclosure and she already has access to my FB account as well as all of my other faculties. I do not drop small bits of information to her. She says she has family problems and doesn't want to deal with it. Later that week, she tells me she wants time. The next week, she cannot honestly tell me if she still loves me then she says the above about me needing to let her go. I maintain that no physical or emotional cheating has happened. TLDR: I was in a weak position and I felt as if I was forced to change my relationship status on facebook to protect myself and my relationship and my girlfriend who's already going through problems. Wrong decision? Yes. No emotional or physical cheating happened. If she's justifying ending it, then it would appear that she's been doing it for a long time and she's been stringing me along. Edited September 26, 2012 by silicone
charasbb Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Quite simply, you aren't. She is trying to justify ending things in her own mind and in a way that you can understand. I still don't know exactly what you did in the past that was so horrifying, but that may only be a part of it I agree. If I were you, I'd walk away and focus on myself. It sounds like you have a lot going on and a lot to work on. She has heard what you have to say, she is uncertain and you're sick of waiting. So don't. I know it seems impossible and you love her, but you're suffering emotionally now probably just as much as if you would were you to walk away. The only difference is you'll actually be moving forward and closer to happiness if you walk away now and who knows perhaps she'll come around! If so,great! If not, well, you'll have been taking steps to improve your life anyway. You deserve someone who is certain of their feelings for you and she deserves someone she feels she can trust and I get the sense she doesn't. Go do your own thing!
Author silicone Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 I agree. If I were you, I'd walk away and focus on myself. It sounds like you have a lot going on and a lot to work on. She has heard what you have to say, she is uncertain and you're sick of waiting. So don't. I know it seems impossible and you love her, but you're suffering emotionally now probably just as much as if you would were you to walk away. The only difference is you'll actually be moving forward and closer to happiness if you walk away now and who knows perhaps she'll come around! If so,great! If not, well, you'll have been taking steps to improve your life anyway. You deserve someone who is certain of their feelings for you and she deserves someone she feels she can trust and I get the sense she doesn't. Go do your own thing! I can't walk away - I really can't, I've invested way too much into this relationship. If she can't trust me, then why has she been stringing me along? Why did she tell me the day this happens that she trusts me completely? I am really missing something here. It's just not adding up. She knows that I'm already stressed about things. She's actually enabled me to do things which I want to do.
Author silicone Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 I sent her another message asking her to disregard it. Damage is already done probably, but my tone does sound rather angry, and she probably knows that I'm angry about something given that she's aware of what's been happening recently.
Author silicone Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 One thing that I neglected to tell you is that I became extremely angry after I argued with my parents today, about her. Although they don't know what's going on, I refused to comply with their order to break things off. In a week's time, I'll need to find alternate accommodation. Maybe I'm taking my anger out on her? I don't know, I'm confused, emotional and really not thinking straight.
Author silicone Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Why are you kids living your life out on freakin Facebook? I don't think I've ever seen anything so juvenile in my life. This generation, I tell you is screwed. I honestly don't care much about Facebook, I mean, would she have even believed me if I lied and said that my account was hacked? Does the fact that I love her, cherish her etc not matter over a Facebook relationship setting? My peers are telling me that she's being immature, but regardless I love her goofiness.
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