allcity Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 A while ago I broke up with (well, I got broken up with) by an ex that has been instigating contact with me ever since for the past few years and yet has clearly shown that she's either confused or unaware of how she feels about me and it got me thinking, can people really ever be totally unaware of their feelings? This ex has: - Contacted me repeatedly since our break up years ago - Gotten inappropriately jealous about other women in my life - Told me she'll 'always be there for me if I ever need a friend' - Never missed contacting me at Christmas and birthdays - Sent me birthday cards covered with kisses and thinking of you's - Contacts my mom and dad on their birthdays despite not seeing them for years - Acted hurt when I've been really happy when she tells me she's really happy - Asked me if I'm dating anyone new - Told me she thinks she'll never meet someone - Acted jealous and angry when I told her that she will - Told me she feels sad that she's not able to be there for me in my life And there's much, much more...the list goes on. And even her friends and family tell me they wish we'd get back together as they say she's not been happy since leaving me all those years ago. And yet the last time she contacted me, I heard she'd asked her sister "why do I keep wanting to contacting him", showing that she's not even sure about what she feels about me. Initially I jumped on the 'be there for me as a friend' comment she said but when kept in context of everything else she's said and done, it's maybe not such a bad sign. Now I'm not asking what I should do or what she feels or anything like that. All I'm asking is - is it possible to love someone, not be over them, still be in love with them etc and not actually realize it? Or am I missing something? I just know that if I was acting the way she is towards an ex, I'd either be like "Wow, I'm totally still in love with them" or at the very least would be asking myself some serious questions. Am I the only one?
Berna Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 A human being is a complicated being. The question is, what really is "love". We'll have to define the concept first. What I see here is "jealousy" and "egoism". Attention coming from jealousy and egoism is not the same as attention coming from love.
Mint Sauce Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Sorry, but your story is unclear. Everything indicates she is still in love with you, without doubt. The only counter-indication is that you say she broke up with you, but what was the reason for that? If that was because you cheated, or were abusive, then I don't see anything pointing at her being confused...
amaysngrace Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 It is possible to dissociate your feelings.
Author allcity Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 (edited) What I see here is "jealousy" and "egoism" Sure, but without all the contact from her she'd not have even known about the other women in my life. Her constant contact came way before the jealousy. The only counter-indication is that you say she broke up with you, but what was the reason for that? After a decade together with no real problems, she decided she didn't feel 'that way' about me anymore. No cheating, no abuse. Just lost lust. I hadn't gotten out of shape, neglectful or anything like that. She just lost attraction for me. Pretty standard cooling-off stuff after ten years together I think...she just acted on it. The reason I see confusion is that she says even she doesn't know why she wants to contact me. And she's also not made overt attempts to reconcile. She has said to a mutual friend, though, that she doesn't know what she feels but that she knows it's not just friendship. Edited September 26, 2012 by allcity
Leigh 87 Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 she either broke up with you and it was a mistake, and therefore she wants you back or she broke up with you because your not the guy who has the potential to make her truly happy, she knows this, yet after ten years she still has a MAJOR attachment to you! Either she let you go when she really did still love you, or she let you go and is not in love with you, but is too attached too let go. After ten years together I can see that if you do not work on things, the spark could be lost. Maybe she was sitll in love with you but one of both of you got lazy in the relationship? You could have fixed this and still can. You need to just ask her about it all. Ask her if the relationship got stale because you both neglected it, or if she genuinely stopped loving you.
Art_Critic Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 By the sounds of it you have some problems enforcing your own boundaries... Why have you allowed her to continue on this path and why are you still in contact with her. You are the one that is allowing her to think her behavior is okay.
NoMoreJerks Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 A while ago I broke up with (well, I got broken up with) by an ex that has been instigating contact with me ever since for the past few years and yet has clearly shown that she's either confused or unaware of how she feels about me and it got me thinking, can people really ever be totally unaware of their feelings? This ex has: - Contacted me repeatedly since our break up years ago - Gotten inappropriately jealous about other women in my life - Told me she'll 'always be there for me if I ever need a friend' - Never missed contacting me at Christmas and birthdays - Sent me birthday cards covered with kisses and thinking of you's - Contacts my mom and dad on their birthdays despite not seeing them for years - Acted hurt when I've been really happy when she tells me she's really happy - Asked me if I'm dating anyone new - Told me she thinks she'll never meet someone - Acted jealous and angry when I told her that she will - Told me she feels sad that she's not able to be there for me in my life And there's much, much more...the list goes on. And even her friends and family tell me they wish we'd get back together as they say she's not been happy since leaving me all those years ago. And yet the last time she contacted me, I heard she'd asked her sister "why do I keep wanting to contacting him", showing that she's not even sure about what she feels about me. Initially I jumped on the 'be there for me as a friend' comment she said but when kept in context of everything else she's said and done, it's maybe not such a bad sign. Now I'm not asking what I should do or what she feels or anything like that. All I'm asking is - is it possible to love someone, not be over them, still be in love with them etc and not actually realize it? Or am I missing something? I just know that if I was acting the way she is towards an ex, I'd either be like "Wow, I'm totally still in love with them" or at the very least would be asking myself some serious questions. Am I the only one? I don't think this is about realizing or not realizing that she loves you. This sounds like a typical case of: she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Just like my ex. She doesn't sound like she's emotionally available, and she seems to be having a hard time with you dating other women because of ego issues. Is she, maybe, a narcissist?
Author allcity Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 Thanks Leigh 87. We both did get a bit lazy in the relationship, but neither of us were really neglectful. To me it seems clear she still has very strong feelings for me but she's not made any move towards getting back together. I may be reading it wrong, though. But I can't see how these actions mean anything else. Even my female-friends agree that they'd never act like this with a man they weren't still in love with. Art_Critic, that's a pretty negative way to think isn't it? We broke up years ago and not for any unforgivable reason. I respond to her contact because it doesn't hurt me and I have no reason not to enjoy sporadic contact with her. Sure it can be confusing at times but that's hardly a big problem, so there's no need to 'enforce boundaries' when someone I shared my life with and loved for ten years wants to say hi. And NoMoreJerks, would you like to elaborate? I can't really see how she's doing that. Your sig about "I think we should see other people until I am absolutely sure I can't do better than you" could be a factor in this case, though.
Art_Critic Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Art_Critic, that's a pretty negative way to think isn't it? No it isn't.. it puts the responsibility for what transpires in your life on your shoulders and not other people. You allow it, it's your choice to what happens in your life. You are responsible for what you do and say and they are responsible for how they react to it. and the opposite is also true., which is what it is in this case..While she is responsible for what she says and does you are responsible for how you react to it and by acting accepting of her behavior then it falls on your shoulders rather than hers for the negative energy to be in your life. 1
Art_Critic Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 I have no reason not to enjoy sporadic contact with her. Hence this thread..
Author allcity Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 (edited) Thanks for the input. No offence, though, but you're making some pretty broad assumptions there, which seem to reflect far more on your viewpoint of contact from exes than on mine. I enjoy hearing from her and she enjoys hearing from me. I'm just a little confused as to her motives. In no way do I see this contact as unacceptable behavior or as bringing negative energy into my life or hers. We're just two people that loved each other and went our separate ways and are clearly missing each other for whatever reason. And it's the reason that interests me. Moving on and having happy relationships with other partners, which I've done since our break-up, doesn't mean you can't enjoy contact with an ex that you still have feelings for. And enjoying contact with an ex doesn't mean you can't also sometimes scratch your head and wonder why they need to keep you in their life so much. Sure maybe it's just narcissism on her part and maybe it's not. Hence this thread. Edited September 27, 2012 by allcity
Art_Critic Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 It is just my opinion.. I happen to be someone who believes that one person isn't responsible for another person actions.. that we are responsible if we don't exercise our own boundaries of acceptability. Good Luck....
Author allcity Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 I happen to be someone who believes that one person isn't responsible for another person's actions. I couldn't agree more. But as for thinking that having an ex that I have no bad feelings for get in touch every now and then is pushing the boundaries of acceptability...not so much! I can understand that some people would be hurt and angered by an ex reaching out, but in this case I'm not one of them. When I love someone, I always love them, unless they betray me or really do me over. And she didn't. Thanks again for your input though. It's much appreciated. So does anyone else have any opinions on my original question? I realize that it's a hard question to answer, though, unless you've been there yourself.
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