Adamgem Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I do not want to leave my job. It is not an option at the moment. I will when I find something else but leaving is NOT an option for sometime. I do not get benefits nor do I have other income. I work with him almost every day. Everytime I have ended it before, one of two things happen, either he becomes very charming and I find it easier to go back rather than be miserable Or He is very miserable and difficult to work with.... It seems so much easier to stay but everytime I even hear his ex mentioned I go crazy.... I want to stay friends and keep my job without pain....
veryhappy Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I guess you can try, but if you were desperate enough you'd want to find a different job. It is time to become desperate enough! Treat him as a boss, stop all his extracurricularslips short, walk out, slap, do whatever you need to stand strong that it is over and you are not going back to how things were. You need to be firm. With your guy in particular, you are fighting a tornado. When you feel done done, get another job and forget he exists. 1
MissBee Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I do not want to leave my job. It is not an option at the moment. I will when I find something else but leaving is NOT an option for sometime. I do not get benefits nor do I have other income. I work with him almost every day. Everytime I have ended it before, one of two things happen, either he becomes very charming and I find it easier to go back rather than be miserable Or He is very miserable and difficult to work with.... It seems so much easier to stay but everytime I even hear his ex mentioned I go crazy.... I want to stay friends and keep my job without pain.... The bolded is not possible...well not all of them. So basically until you accept that things have consequences and pain, loss of friendship or loss of job are sometimes part of it, you'll continue to stay. That's the truth. You're asking for the impossible here. It's akin to saying "I want a mansion, luxury cars and millions in the bank but I don't want to work, don't want to really have to invest any money and I don't want to learn anything"....I mean no...this is an impossible request. Everything comes at a price...including dissolving a relationship and unless you're willing to pay the price, then you'll stay where you are until it comes crashing down or he breaks it off with you and the same things you feared: loss of friendship and pain...will STILL happen, except it will be worse because he initiated it. 3
Author Adamgem Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 The bolded is not possible...well not all of them. So basically until you accept that things have consequences and pain, loss of friendship or loss of job are sometimes part of it, you'll continue to stay. That's the truth. You're asking for the impossible here. It's akin to saying "I want a mansion, luxury cars and millions in the bank but I don't want to work, don't want to really have to invest any money and I don't want to learn anything"....I mean no...this is an impossible request. Everything comes at a price...including dissolving a relationship and unless you're willing to pay the price, then you'll stay where you are until it comes crashing down or he breaks it off with you and the same things you feared: loss of friendship and pain...will STILL happen, except it will be worse because he initiated it. This is what I needed to hear. I will have to suffer to get through this. I am very isolated and find that I cry with lonelyness when I split with him and go into a seperate room in the house. It is a total nightmare if I am honest. He becomes upset and so do I - somehow it seems absurd but I know I must get out. My future looks so bleak and miserable...
veryhappy Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 You won't make it if you need to keep sharing a house with him. You at least need to move out.
Author Adamgem Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 You won't make it if you need to keep sharing a house with him. You at least need to move out. Yes, I know. Unfortunately I have no choice for the next few months. I will just have to do my best.... When I move- I will move country. I came here to work and live with him.. that was before when there was almost no contact with his ex. Now things have changed.
Owl Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Working with him, living with him...but you want to end the affair with him??? Don't see how that's possible.
MissBee Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 This is what I needed to hear. I will have to suffer to get through this. I am very isolated and find that I cry with lonelyness when I split with him and go into a seperate room in the house. It is a total nightmare if I am honest. He becomes upset and so do I - somehow it seems absurd but I know I must get out. My future looks so bleak and miserable... Adamgem, Your future isn't miserable and certainly not because you're gonna break it off with a married man who is not even invested in you. Life will go on and especially if you really work on changing why you attract the wrong men, things do change. I can tell you from my own experiences. It won't be an everlasting suffering hon. You have to clear away what is not working (which this obviously isn't and doesn't seem it ever will) to make room for a better situation. Holding on to him for fear of loneliness while you still feel insecure, anxious and lonely while "with" him is doing yourself a terrible disservice. Of course the break up will hurt, but you may find yourself oddly relieved! I think you will...you've made several threads where you want to end it...so I think once you find the strength you'll be soo glad you did. Even if it's not the same day or the same month, I'm sure in a year or 2 you will be sooooo glad you did! *hugs*
Author Adamgem Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Adamgem, Your future isn't miserable and certainly not because you're gonna break it off with a married man who is not even invested in you. Life will go on and especially if you really work on changing why you attract the wrong men, things do change. I can tell you from my own experiences. It won't be an everlasting suffering hon. You have to clear away what is not working (which this obviously isn't and doesn't seem it ever will) to make room for a better situation. Holding on to him for fear of loneliness while you still feel insecure, anxious and lonely while "with" him is doing yourself a terrible disservice. Of course the break up will hurt, but you may find yourself oddly relieved! I think you will...you've made several threads where you want to end it...so I think once you find the strength you'll be soo glad you did. Even if it's not the same day or the same month, I'm sure in a year or 2 you will be sooooo glad you did! *hugs* Thank you again MissBee. I am wondering what your experiences were and how can I 'fix' myself? How can I change who I am attracted to? I am 39 and feel like I have no time left to meet someone new if I want to have a family and so on. He insists he has finished with her but I just don't see it that way......
veryhappy Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 I'm sorry to have to be cruel, but you are better off not having a family with this man. He must be charming in person, but he's got serious problems and from the outside it looks like you need to get the @%$# out, because nothing good will come out of it. The situation you are in is very sick. This guy is having the time of his life. 1
carhill Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 If retaining the job is imperative, seek to minimize solitary and personal contact at work, as well as seek out professional psychological counseling (with a psychologist) to learn tools to process your feelings from incidental contact in a different way. You'll have to domicile separately to have any hope of recovery. Rent a room from someone. Two months will fly by. My procedure would be: Cease cohabitation, then limit work contact and maintain professional distance and then, if your emotional state affects your work/life in a substantially unhealthy way, seek out professional assistance. There are always choices. People often say 'I can't'; really, that means 'I won't'. What will you choose today? 1
whichwayisup Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Yes, I know. Unfortunately I have no choice for the next few months. I will just have to do my best.... When I move- I will move country. I came here to work and live with him.. that was before when there was almost no contact with his ex. Now things have changed. Why cannot you not give your 2 weeks notice? Call home and tell your family and friends you're moving back and leave this City you're in? Go stay with family. Your situation is not healthy and eventually it's going to take it's toll.
AnotherRound Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 I do not want to leave my job. It is not an option at the moment. I will when I find something else but leaving is NOT an option for sometime. I do not get benefits nor do I have other income. I work with him almost every day. Everytime I have ended it before, one of two things happen, either he becomes very charming and I find it easier to go back rather than be miserable Or He is very miserable and difficult to work with.... It seems so much easier to stay but everytime I even hear his ex mentioned I go crazy.... I want to stay friends and keep my job without pain.... As others have said, the last line may not be possible. It does suck, and it hurts, and it's hard to look forward and see that there is any light at the end of the tunnel. But there is. There always is. This is why people say time heals all wounds. I don't think it "heals" them, but it sure is a lot easier to look back at a distant hurt from ahead than it is to be standing smack in the middle of it. At least then, it's just a memory of that hurt - as times goes by and it gets further behind you. I understand not being able to leave the job or the house right now. If I was you, I'd get all my ducks in a row. Make sure that when you do leave it is going to be as easy a transition as is humanly possible for you. In the mean time, self soothe as much as possible. Do things that allow you to get your bearings and breathe easier. Cry if you must, scream if you must, throw things if you must... but do these things when it is appropriate for you. Then, catch your breath and do things that soothe that hurt - conversations with family or friends, visiting with those you can, taking long hot baths, pampering yourself. Good luck, it sure doesn't sound like an easy place to be. But I think that deep down you are seeing that being with him just bc it's "easier" than being alone isn't going to suffice long term. 1
Author Adamgem Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 I guess you can try, but if you were desperate enough you'd want to find a different job. It is time to become desperate enough! Treat him as a boss, stop all his extracurricularslips short, walk out, slap, do whatever you need to stand strong that it is over and you are not going back to how things were. You need to be firm. With your guy in particular, you are fighting a tornado. When you feel done done, get another job and forget he exists. I know you are right. I just have no idea how I am going to get out of this. I think I will slowly move my belongings over a period of time and make my exit. I have been looking for another job but I almost never get time as he is always around. I can't even get on to LS when he is around as I do not want him to see what I am posting. Thank you!
Author Adamgem Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 I'm sorry to have to be cruel, but you are better off not having a family with this man. He must be charming in person, but he's got serious problems and from the outside it looks like you need to get the @%$# out, because nothing good will come out of it. The situation you are in is very sick. This guy is having the time of his life. Thank you so much for your post.... every time I read 'this guy is having the time of his life... I cringe. It is true and it is at the expense of two women. I must keep rereading this to help stay strong. I will not be used like this. I am not having the time of my life (anymore). I am not going to be anyones bit on the side..... How dare he?
Author Adamgem Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Working with him, living with him...but you want to end the affair with him??? Don't see how that's possible. Me too. To make matters worse I have no real contact with my family and am living in a country away from my friends. I know I am in a bad situation but must be smart to get out. I really appreciate the support I find here. Thank you.
Author Adamgem Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Why cannot you not give your 2 weeks notice? Call home and tell your family and friends you're moving back and leave this City you're in? Go stay with family. Your situation is not healthy and eventually it's going to take it's toll. No family... in another country than my friends. I have already given my notice and he is very angry about that. I noticed my payments are being 'delayed' etc. I can not just leave suddenly. I must prepare.
Author Adamgem Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 As others have said, the last line may not be possible. It does suck, and it hurts, and it's hard to look forward and see that there is any light at the end of the tunnel. But there is. There always is. This is why people say time heals all wounds. I don't think it "heals" them, but it sure is a lot easier to look back at a distant hurt from ahead than it is to be standing smack in the middle of it. At least then, it's just a memory of that hurt - as times goes by and it gets further behind you. I understand not being able to leave the job or the house right now. If I was you, I'd get all my ducks in a row. Make sure that when you do leave it is going to be as easy a transition as is humanly possible for you. In the mean time, self soothe as much as possible. Do things that allow you to get your bearings and breathe easier. Cry if you must, scream if you must, throw things if you must... but do these things when it is appropriate for you. Then, catch your breath and do things that soothe that hurt - conversations with family or friends, visiting with those you can, taking long hot baths, pampering yourself. Good luck, it sure doesn't sound like an easy place to be. But I think that deep down you are seeing that being with him just bc it's "easier" than being alone isn't going to suffice long term. Thank you for this post. I will re-read it when I feel bad or weak. I know I have a battle in front of me. I hope to have everything resolved by the end of the year.
veryhappy Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 I know you are right. I just have no idea how I am going to get out of this. I think I will slowly move my belongings over a period of time and make my exit. I have been looking for another job but I almost never get time as he is always around. I can't even get on to LS when he is around as I do not want him to see what I am posting. Thank you! You need to start believing you can get out of it. That's the first step. You are in a bad place, and it makes absolutely no sense to stay. None.
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