phatmatt777 Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I won't go into too much detail, you can read my previous post to get the back story of my break up. She ended it because she wanted to do some self exploration, and we just started to fight about everything. Right now I'm remaining in NC but the urge to text her is unbearable. And here's why. This whole stupid thing happened 3 days before our 2 year anniversary. Today is that milestone and I just feel I HAVE to say something. I know I shouldn't break NC, I know nothing good will probably come of it. She said she still loves me and always will, I asked her if that meant she was still IN love with me and she said yes. There was no anger or frustration in this break up, it was thought out. I just really want to let her know that I'm thinking of today. Obviously I'm not going to say anything stupid like "happy 2 years" or anything immature like that. I just feel like I should let her know that despite what happened, or whatever will happen ..this day will be in my heart. Something that says I really care about this relationship. Is this a terrible awful stupid idea? Will it push her away? I'm not even looking for a response because I know she probably won't, but atleast its out there. I know I need to move on and better myself but the hope that I can work this out feels like an addiction. Someone knock some sense into me! Thanks in advance
Calico Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I'm not sure that you won't be hoping for a response if you contact her. I'm pretty sure that you are desperate to hear from her, and that's perfectly normal. Okay, well, only three days of NC and your breakup is very fresh (personally, I'd not have gone NC so quickly, you need to be in a place where you're semi-ready for it or have no alternative to becoming dysfunctional), and it's your anniversary today. I would send her a text (actually, I would send her flowers and a card; that means a whole lot more to a woman than a text message). I want to say "do it without expectations", but I don't think that's really and genuinely possible for you to do. Anyone able to really not have expectations would not want to contact her. And yes, it's 100% like an addiction, the obsessive thoughts and behavior pattern are identical. What you do isn't "loving", it's "addictive clinging". Brace yourself for possibly getting hurt more (if not right away, then later), but three days is little time and you can catch up again. Also, forget about "she said she loves me". That's all BS. Most dumpers say that, and a lot more, and it makes not a lick of a difference to the situation as it is. Mine told me she loved me and would forever and then got instantly together with the guy she had cheated on me with. Words mean nothing, actions matter (and in your case the action is that she ended it).
geegirl Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I just really want to let her know that I'm thinking of today. Obviously I'm not going to say anything stupid like "happy 2 years" or anything immature like that. I just feel like I should let her know that despite what happened, or whatever will happen ..this day will be in my heart. Something that says I really care about this relationship. Is this a terrible awful stupid idea? Will it push her away? I'm not even looking for a response because I know she probably won't, but atleast its out there. I know I need to move on and better myself but the hope that I can work this out feels like an addiction. Someone knock some sense into me! Thanks in advance It's a break-up. Treat it as such. She knows you remember this day. She knows the relationship is special to you. She knows all this because you were not the one to end it. There is no need to remind her. She knows. Keep the memory in your heart and let her be. While this day is of significance to you, you don't need to remind her as she clearly knew she was ending it all 3 days before the anniversary. Don't project your nostalgia on her. It didn't phase her one bit do it when she did it. And as much as you say you know she won't respond, the moment you hit send, your anxiety level will hit the roof and your day will be filled with constant checking of the phone, waiting patiently for a response. And, if she responds, you'll be on here asking what it means. And if she does not respond you'll be on here feeling hurt. Stop. Let the day pass and let this feeling pass. 1
Calico Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I want to add that I principally agree with Geegirl and that there is little doubt in my mind that texting her (I'd still send flowers, if only so that you can regret the expense, for faster healing) will have exactly the result that she mentions: you'll get hurt, no matter what happens. She's right. But I think 3 days of NC is a small price for snapping out of the projecting and the delusion. And it's a viable trade-off for not having to regret that you didn't try and missed the "unique chance" to contact her on the anniversary to show her how much you really care (all of this is self-deception and just a trick of your addicted brain, but it's real to you and how you see it right now). I'd not make that recommendation if it had even been two weeks.
Author phatmatt777 Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Thank you both for answering so fast. Calico - you might be right in initiating NC too fast. It was just an auto defense mechanism. She still texted me a couple times after with little things. Asking if her ipad charger was at my place, if it was too early to give some stuff back etc. It was very friendly, I didn't bring up anything about the break up. Since then I haven't heard a word and I suspect I won't. I'm just at war, I think she expects me to be her friend through all this but we know that can't happen. Am I the backup or a cry for attention. She was trying to be friendly before I told her that unless its about us or an emergency, no contact. Premature? Gee - I suppose I should force myself to try and move forward, I just hope I don't cave later tonight. I do know for a fact though that even if she did respond, I wouldn't bring up anything about the break up unless she did. I know what kind of damage that can do
geegirl Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Gee - I suppose I should force myself to try and move forward, I just hope I don't cave later tonight. I do know for a fact though that even if she did respond, I wouldn't bring up anything about the break up unless she did. I know what kind of damage that can do Well, if you cave and you reach out to her, then it's not the end of the world. Sometimes it takes a few stumbles to finally grasp that the pain of not being in contact is far more bearable than the pain of rejection. It's not going to put you in anymore of a tailspin that you're already in. But sometimes it's best to just leave well enough alone, especially when you know nothing will change the outcome. You'll do what you have to do. There could possibly be a moment where you are steadfast in your choice in not wanting to say anything only to be suddenly driven by impulse; you grab the phone and just do it. And if that happens, it happens. You'll just start from where you left off. Come here and post if you need encouragement or if you need to let out your hurt.
Author phatmatt777 Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 I'm going to try my hardest not to. Even though I want to show her that I care, maybe I just need to let more time pass. This is probably super unhealthy, but I have to fight for this relationship atleast once. That was some advice given to me in my last post. I don't know when I will fight for this, or how I will...or even if I will. I just know that it's always been in my nature to fight. I can't shake the feeling that this isn't just how it's supposed to be, that she just wasn't the one. I've never felt so strongly about this woman before, and there were just too many loose ends in this break up. All this talk about maybe one day we'll find our way back to each other, or I hope we can be friends. All the respect. Maybe it was all just to soften the blow, I know I probably would have done the same if I was the dumper...but what if it wasn't? I feel like the pain of REGRETTING that you didn't try is far worse than the pain of letting go. Hopefully I'll figure something out. I'll try once, and only once. If it works out then great, and if it doesn't then I guess it will provide the closure that I need. Any advice on that? Haha this just evolved into alot more than texting her...
geegirl Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I'm going to try my hardest not to. Even though I want to show her that I care, maybe I just need to let more time pass. This is probably super unhealthy, but I have to fight for this relationship atleast once. That was some advice given to me in my last post. I don't know when I will fight for this, or how I will...or even if I will. I just know that it's always been in my nature to fight. I can't shake the feeling that this isn't just how it's supposed to be, that she just wasn't the one. I've never felt so strongly about this woman before, and there were just too many loose ends in this break up. All this talk about maybe one day we'll find our way back to each other, or I hope we can be friends. All the respect. Maybe it was all just to soften the blow, I know I probably would have done the same if I was the dumper...but what if it wasn't? I feel like the pain of REGRETTING that you didn't try is far worse than the pain of letting go. Hopefully I'll figure something out. I'll try once, and only once. If it works out then great, and if it doesn't then I guess it will provide the closure that I need. Any advice on that? Haha this just evolved into alot more than texting her... I believe there is a saying and it's on Gibson's sig. I may screw this up but it goes along the lines of -- If someone breaks up with you, it's not your responsibility to make them want you, it's their responsibility to get you to want them. You can try but you try when two people choose to do so. She is the one that has a change of heart and it will be up to her to decide if she can once again get to where she was with you before. But that has to come from her without any coaxing or prodding from you. When someone lets you go, walk away. If you were valueble to them, they would have never let you go. She tells you she is still in love with you but what do her actions say? They say quite the opposite. Dumpers will tell you what you want to hear to soften the blow, it also helps alleviate their guilt. If anything, her words don't match her actions and we all know actions speak louder than words.
Author phatmatt777 Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Quick update. The truth is coming out. She's either really happy to be free, or she's trying to punish me. Were still friends on facebook, and still have quite a few pictures up. Just about an hour ago she declared that she was single. I know this osunds trivial and doesn't matter, but she has always been a firm believer on not making anything public on facebook, not sharing her problems with the world. So this is a new thing for her. I feel slightly alleviated, that confirms my decision to keep pursuing NC. Still hurts that she declared this on our anniversary, but what do you guys think? Is she trying to send me a message? I wont reply, nor will I delete her off facebook as that will be seen as a response.
geegirl Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 So this is a new thing for her. I feel slightly alleviated, that confirms my decision to keep pursuing NC. Still hurts that she declared this on our anniversary, but what do you guys think? Is she trying to send me a message? We can't say what her intent is but you have to work with what you know, Matt and that is she does not want to be in a relationship. No amount of analyzing will change anything and no one can specifically pin point her motive. So, it's futile on your part. She may want to send you a message that she is moving on. She may be doing it because she wants everyone to know she is single. Does it matter? No. The fact remains, she is single. FB is not NC. NC means absolutely no contact. It also means staying away from anything that provides you information about your ex or anything that are triggers. When you check FB and you see something you don't like, it's keeping you stuck. I understand this is fresh and you're still processing but I hope in time you eliminate all ties to her.
MonsterMash Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Quick update. The truth is coming out. She's either really happy to be free, or she's trying to punish me. Were still friends on facebook, and still have quite a few pictures up. Just about an hour ago she declared that she was single. I know this osunds trivial and doesn't matter, but she has always been a firm believer on not making anything public on facebook, not sharing her problems with the world. So this is a new thing for her. I feel slightly alleviated, that confirms my decision to keep pursuing NC. Still hurts that she declared this on our anniversary, but what do you guys think? Is she trying to send me a message? I wont reply, nor will I delete her off facebook as that will be seen as a response. It IS a response. Its responding to her wanting you out of life. SHE broke up with YOU. Do you really give a damn about what she thinks? If you do...you shouldn't. No contact is NO CONTACT. No contact doesn't mean stalk her on Facebook and torture yourself to see if anything she posts, blurts, blurbs, tweets or twats has anything to do with you. Grow some balls dude. Delete her from your life completely. Get rid of her on your Facebook, email, cell phone. Delete pictures. Throw away all that dumb **** she wrote saying "forever. " Then you go get a haircut, some new clothes. Hit the club with your boys...get drunk. Get drunk enough that you don't care about your ex but not so drunk that your dick doesn't work. Find some random hot club slut (look for the tramp stamp) and get in her good graces. Once you get the go ahead you bang her like she's the only peice on earth. Grab some pics to remind you how good it was. Then continue on with your life like ex whats her name never existed. It works. **** her. Why be torn up over some broad who has proven shes not worthy?
lukas Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Why be torn up over some broad who has proven shes not worthy? While I agree with what you say, that part is a lot easier said than done... @ OP DO NOT TEXT HER, CUT ALL CONTACT NOW! DELETE HER FROM FACEBOOK!
Author phatmatt777 Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Thanks guys, I appreciate the slaps in the face. She just texted me asking for some stuff back that she left at my place. I told her to feel free to come by whenever to get it. I sincerely love this woman with all my heart, so I'm not going to be a jack-ass and hold her stuff hostage. But after this I'll resume no contact. I'l probably delete her off facebook in a week or two. Maybe I'm just anxious and delusional but I think she's trying to get an emotional response from me, and Im not going to give it to her. Right now, I'm feeling okay. It felt a little like closure and was a little bit of a kick start. I doubt this will last as this is still so soon, and I still want her back so badly. Time heals all wounds eh? Wheres the ****ing fast forward button
MonsterMash Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Thanks guys, I appreciate the slaps in the face. She just texted me asking for some stuff back that she left at my place. I told her to feel free to come by whenever to get it. I sincerely love this woman with all my heart, so I'm not going to be a jack-ass and hold her stuff hostage. But after this I'll resume no contact. I'l probably delete her off facebook in a week or two. Maybe I'm just anxious and delusional but I think she's trying to get an emotional response from me, and Im not going to give it to her. Right now, I'm feeling okay. It felt a little like closure and was a little bit of a kick start. I doubt this will last as this is still so soon, and I still want her back so badly. Time heals all wounds eh? Wheres the ****ing fast forward button When she gets her s**t...make sure she takes ALL of it. That way shes not coming back and messing with your head everytime she "forgot" something.
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