Adamgem Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I am back again. I do not get to visit the forum much as I do not want him to see where I get support when I am confused. I really appreciate all the feedback I've had since I started posting on LS. The current situation is as follows: I live with him in a rented house in another country from his former partner. She looks after the children and lives in their house. He pays the mortgage. He pays her to look after the children and take care of his personal affairs there. I work for/with him. We spend almost 24/7 together. I find it very hard when he goes back to their home to visit the kids. She is behaving as if they are still in a relationship even though she spoke to me and told me she believes he really loves me. He spent the last year telling me how he didn't want to have contact with her, that she this and that and so on..... suddenly in the last few months she is a good woman and good with the kids and helps him a lot with work - he must be nice/kind to her and when she was trying to get him back..... he said no, he was happy with me but...'who knows what will happen in the future'.... I was very angry about this. He says I should accept the situation. He wants to visit his children there... does not want to tell them that they have split until he is sure about me. He doesn't see the point of upsetting their little worlds. I know that she is insisting on this. He just wants to keep the peace. He is getting upset and we are fighting a lot lately as I can not seem to accept this. He says he is doing nothing wrong. He says if he were sleeping with her or something like that he could understand that.....(she confirmed directly to me that they no longer slept together). He goes on about what a wonderful person she is..... I wonder what he wants from me then. They have children, properties and businesses together, gets on fine with his ex, has a high opinion of her, wants to keep her happy and tells me I am not playing ball??? Why is he with me?
MissBee Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Hi Adamgem, It seems your relationship isn't really getting better. How long have you been together openly? How long was it an A? Forget the wife....she's not central to this issue. The central issue is that you have a man that says he is unsure about the future with him and his wife (whaaat??), he spends time at their home in another country when you're not around, his wife told you she still wants him and you say he goes through great effort to keep her happy and he he told you he won't tell his kids they've split until he is sure about you. This is a man who lives with you part of the time but who basically is not all the way into your relationship and doesn't even try to pretend he is. There was a BS on here who discussed a situation that reminds me a bit of this. Her husband worked in another country most of the year and would have an OW and it was not a big deal to her because when he came back home he was with her. Maybe his wife is willing to deal with you, esp if she feels it's not serious. Has he had an A before? What does he want from you? You could ask him and see his response. But there have been many stories of MM who go live with their OW for a while, while not divorced and it's sort of a temporary situation then they eventually get back together with their wife. In your case, this seems more likely based on his behavior. Why does he live in another country btw? 1
Author Adamgem Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Hi Adamgem, It seems your relationship isn't really getting better. How long have you been together openly? How long was it an A? Forget the wife....she's not central to this issue. The central issue is that you have a man that says he is unsure about the future with him and his wife (whaaat??), he spends time at their home in another country when you're not around, his wife told you she still wants him and you say he goes through great effort to keep her happy and he he told you he won't tell his kids they've split until he is sure about you. This is a man who lives with you part of the time but who basically is not all the way into your relationship and doesn't even try to pretend he is. There was a BS on here who discussed a situation that reminds me a bit of this. Her husband worked in another country most of the year and would have an OW and it was not a big deal to her because when he came back home he was with her. Maybe his wife is willing to deal with you, esp if she feels it's not serious. Has he had an A before? What does he want from you? You could ask him and see his response. But there have been many stories of MM who go live with their OW for a while, while not divorced and it's sort of a temporary situation then they eventually get back together with their wife. In your case, this seems more likely based on his behavior. Why does he live in another country btw? Thank you MissBee. I always like your posts. I found that very helpful. I was beginning to feel this. I didn't know that this was that common. He lives in another country because of work. I have started to get the feeling that their sex life ended and that he is keeping his family with her and then keeping me for fun.....with a 'what's wrong with that atitude'..... OMG
Author Adamgem Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 To put it simply...SEX. Yes, I started to get that feeling but he insists it is not this - that he is in love and blah blah blah.... doesn't want to be away from me. We lived together for months without any sex when I was getting over an abortion.... He was very attentive then and still is now. I find it all very confusing
MissBee Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Thank you MissBee. I always like your posts. I found that very helpful. I was beginning to feel this. I didn't know that this was that common. He lives in another country because of work. I have started to get the feeling that their sex life ended and that he is keeping his family with her and then keeping me for fun.....with a 'what's wrong with that atitude'..... OMG You're welcome. Yea I was thinking that if he has to live somewhere else for work, it's like men who are professional athletes or musicians who are on the road a lot. That is, a lot of them feel they need to have someone while they're on the road and their wives turn a blind eye to it or it's an understood type of deal. It seems he has the attitude that he's there for work anyway, so why not....he can have two separate lives, you when he's away and his wife and kids when he goes home and the wife doesn't seem bothered by it. He doesn't seem serious about you and seems to be using you as a source of comfort, sex, place to live etc when he's in the country but is very much married when he's back home. He seems to avoid making you any promises and makes sure to let you know that he's not sure about you...smh...that's messed up but to me it seems like he's in this for what he can get but is not invested in leaving his wife and has made it very clear that you may be a very impermanent fixture. Adamgem, your issues have been going on with him for quite a while. I suggest you have a frank convo with him about where he sees thins going and what you want. I doubt things will improve...but you don't need to waste anymore time that's for sure. I'd go with my gut. I think you feel insecure because there really is NO security and you KNOW that this situation isn't in your best interest. So it's just a matter of being brave and deciding to admit the truth and dissolve it. 1
MissBee Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 If you are with this guy 24/7 you will become a routine; the wifey. If this guy sees her sporadically them she becomes a novelty; the OW. That explains his behavior. This makes a lot of sense too!
veryhappy Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 You are convenient ( sex). Biggest red flag is him admitting the future might hold getting back together with the ex. You are still second place, even if he can pretend differently while you are living in a different country.
Author Adamgem Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Instead of asking the above question you should be asking yourself why are you with him? Your post is another example of words not matching the actions. That's why you feel confused, and your gut tells you what you should do. He is no good for you. I know why I am with him. I enjoy his company, have shared interests, have great fun, work with him very well.... I have never met anybody else that came even close to satisfying me like this. After many years of putting up with the 'wrong man'.... I feel comfortable with him unlike the men I've met in the past. My gut is confused. I can not trust my gut when it comes to relationships. My gut told me (screamed at me) in the past that a certain man was the one for me.......how wrong. How horribly wrong. I can not trust my gut when it comes to men/relationships. I was so miserable before when I think of going back to my 'old' life - I freeze.... He does make me feel great with humour etc. but I know it is not right with his former partner.
Author Adamgem Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 You are convenient ( sex). Biggest red flag is him admitting the future might hold getting back together with the ex. You are still second place, even if he can pretend differently while you are living in a different country. I want him to tell her that is not true. I told him he had no right to say that to her if it was not true and he has no right to be with me if it is.... He spends almost all of his time with me but keeps me seperate from the children. I think I will not sleep with him for a while to see what happens....
MissBee Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 You are convenient ( sex). Biggest red flag is him admitting the future might hold getting back together with the ex. You are still second place, even if he can pretend differently while you are living in a different country. Yea there is no way I could comfortable be with a man and feel loved, cherished and respected if he tells me he may possibly get back together with his ex...wtf??!!! I agree with LG Adamgem about asking yourself why you are with him. He's with you because he's not losing anything. He gets vagina, probably a chef, a place to stay etc. Why not? He has no wife for that stuff in one country, so why not get all the wife perks without having to invest that much...and why would he if he already has a "real wife"? Why are YOU with a man who is telling you he's not sure about you and he may get back with his wife??? That's the real question.... 1
MissBee Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I know why I am with him. I enjoy his company, have shared interests, have great fun, work with him very well.... I have never met anybody else that came even close to satisfying me like this. After many years of putting up with the 'wrong man'.... I feel comfortable with him unlike the men I've met in the past. My gut is confused. I can not trust my gut when it comes to relationships. My gut told me (screamed at me) in the past that a certain man was the one for me.......how wrong. How horribly wrong. I can not trust my gut when it comes to men/relationships. I was so miserable before when I think of going back to my 'old' life - I freeze.... He does make me feel great with humour etc. but I know it is not right with his former partner. Adamgem...he's still the wrong man.... If he was the right man, you'd not be here every few months with the same issues. Trust me. He may be the best of the worst...but being the least loserish of losers is still not a great thing. Don't beat yourself up...lots of women (and men) have broken pickers. You have to essentially learn about yourself and why you gravitate towards the wrong people and you have to get to a healthy place where you see your own patterns and ways of se4lf-sabotaging and develop a gut you can trust. It takes effort though...but it is WELL worth it. Too many people realize they have this issue and just decide well maybe the next man/woman will be perfect...no...no they won't...you will still attract the same kinds of dynamics and issues if you don't change yourself. A man making you laugh, having common interests and great fun don't make a good relationship. Every man who was wrong for me was great fun, great sex, funny or some other good quality as well. Didn't change the fact that as a whole they were absolutely wrong for me and the point is...your feelings of insecurity and the constant need to analyze your relationship says it ALL! When you have a good man, who loves you, is not shady, is transparent, cares about you etc....trust me..there is not a need to analyze and analyze and be confused. Believe me. 3
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 He says I should accept the situation. He wants to visit his children there... does not want to tell them that they have split until he is sure about me. He doesn't see the point of upsetting their little worlds. I know that she is insisting on this. He just wants to keep the peace. So you need to decide if you're OK with how things are. Accept it all and live life this way. The man basically (if he leaves, which seems quite doubtful) wants you as a safety net, so *if* he leaves, he knows he won't be alone. Screw that. If his marriage is to end (again, which is unlikely because it seems he's just happy with having you fill in certain needs and he gets to stay married, have the affair) let it be because he isn't loving her anymore and wants out reguardless if you're there or not.
Author Adamgem Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 So you need to decide if you're OK with how things are. Accept it all and live life this way. The man basically (if he leaves, which seems quite doubtful) wants you as a safety net, so *if* he leaves, he knows he won't be alone. Screw that. If his marriage is to end (again, which is unlikely because it seems he's just happy with having you fill in certain needs and he gets to stay married, have the affair) let it be because he isn't loving her anymore and wants out reguardless if you're there or not. I know you are right...
Fitz Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 (edited) Adamgem...he's still the wrong man.... If he was the right man, you'd not be here every few months with the same issues. Trust me. He may be the best of the worst...but being the least loserish of losers is still not a great thing. Don't beat yourself up...lots of women (and men) have broken pickers. You have to essentially learn about yourself and why you gravitate towards the wrong people and you have to get to a healthy place where you see your own patterns and ways of se4lf-sabotaging and develop a gut you can trust. It takes effort though...but it is WELL worth it. Too many people realize they have this issue and just decide well maybe the next man/woman will be perfect...no...no they won't...you will still attract the same kinds of dynamics and issues if you don't change yourself. A man making you laugh, having common interests and great fun don't make a good relationship. Every man who was wrong for me was great fun, great sex, funny or some other good quality as well. Didn't change the fact that as a whole they were absolutely wrong for me and the point is...your feelings of insecurity and the constant need to analyze your relationship says it ALL! When you have a good man, who loves you, is not shady, is transparent, cares about you etc....trust me..there is not a need to analyze and analyze and be confused. Believe me. Absolutely. Furthermore, if a man tells you straight up to your face that the future is dubious, then your best bet is to take him at his word. Ignore that warning at your own peril. Secondly, a cake eater is a cake eater is a cake eater. And a man who can't commit is a man who can't commit is a man who can't commit. Edited September 27, 2012 by Fitz
todreaminblue Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 I am back again. I do not get to visit the forum much as I do not want him to see where I get support when I am confused. I really appreciate all the feedback I've had since I started posting on LS. The current situation is as follows: I live with him in a rented house in another country from his former partner. She looks after the children and lives in their house. He pays the mortgage. He pays her to look after the children and take care of his personal affairs there. I work for/with him. We spend almost 24/7 together. I find it very hard when he goes back to their home to visit the kids. She is behaving as if they are still in a relationship even though she spoke to me and told me she believes he really loves me. He spent the last year telling me how he didn't want to have contact with her, that she this and that and so on..... suddenly in the last few months she is a good woman and good with the kids and helps him a lot with work - he must be nice/kind to her and when she was trying to get him back..... he said no, he was happy with me but...'who knows what will happen in the future'.... I was very angry about this. He says I should accept the situation. He wants to visit his children there... does not want to tell them that they have split until he is sure about me. He doesn't see the point of upsetting their little worlds. I know that she is insisting on this. He just wants to keep the peace. He is getting upset and we are fighting a lot lately as I can not seem to accept this. He says he is doing nothing wrong. He says if he were sleeping with her or something like that he could understand that.....(she confirmed directly to me that they no longer slept together). He goes on about what a wonderful person she is..... I wonder what he wants from me then. They have children, properties and businesses together, gets on fine with his ex, has a high opinion of her, wants to keep her happy and tells me I am not playing ball??? Why is he with me? Its hard for an ow because the wife has something that is a permanent tie.... i see it that way....i was the betrayed spouse by the way.......I have spoken to my ex on a regular basis.....and it is an easy conversation to have.......i know him he knows me ....he can tell when i am not saying what i am feeling i can tell when he isnt happy........its a dangerous place to be....it gets confusing.......i have kids to my ex three of them....and conversations could and did often get personal.I changed however the relationship between my ex and i is over.....i wouldnt let him stay here to visit the kids.....i wouldn't let him even see me and he hasn't since we broke up.....at times i feel he respects me....he seems to want to continue our friendship but it is a non seeing friendship and will continue along those lines......weddings and funerals.....it is extremely hard to unlearn emotions....they have to b e put away and the book closed......my book is closed.... your partners isn't....i don't believe being with someone 24/7 is a good thing either.....familiarity breeds contempt......for some people ....and some guys as another poster pointed out like novelty......i class that as the 2 dollar shop for novelties.......im into a more lasting relationship than a 2 dollar one..... the novelty relationship is harder yards than a lasting equal loving one......a lot more pain and heartache for the one who loves more....i wish you luck and hope the best for you.....the wife will always have a place when their are kids involved and unless she is over him and closed the book ....i don't have good news......so i shut up now.....good luck .....deb
spiderowl Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 I think if a guy wants to be with you, you know it. He will tell you and he will be keen to have you know he's not seeing anyone else. He won't leave room for doubt because he won't have doubt in his heart. 2
Author Adamgem Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Absolutely. Furthermore, if a man tells you straight up to your face that the future is dubious, then your best bet is to take him at his word. Ignore that warning at your own peril. Secondly, a cake eater is a cake eater is a cake eater. And a man who can't commit is a man who can't commit is a man who can't commit. This is what I think. I told him I found it completely unacceptable. He is saying he will be destroyed without me... I no longer find him attractive when I go over the cake eating habit in my mind. Thank you - I still need to be told!! Many times!
Author Adamgem Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Its hard for an ow because the wife has something that is a permanent tie.... i see it that way....i was the betrayed spouse by the way.......I have spoken to my ex on a regular basis.....and it is an easy conversation to have.......i know him he knows me ....he can tell when i am not saying what i am feeling i can tell when he isnt happy........its a dangerous place to be....it gets confusing.......i have kids to my ex three of them....and conversations could and did often get personal.I changed however the relationship between my ex and i is over.....i wouldnt let him stay here to visit the kids.....i wouldn't let him even see me and he hasn't since we broke up.....at times i feel he respects me....he seems to want to continue our friendship but it is a non seeing friendship and will continue along those lines......weddings and funerals.....it is extremely hard to unlearn emotions....they have to b e put away and the book closed......my book is closed.... your partners isn't....i don't believe being with someone 24/7 is a good thing either.....familiarity breeds contempt......for some people ....and some guys as another poster pointed out like novelty......i class that as the 2 dollar shop for novelties.......im into a more lasting relationship than a 2 dollar one..... the novelty relationship is harder yards than a lasting equal loving one......a lot more pain and heartache for the one who loves more....i wish you luck and hope the best for you.....the wife will always have a place when their are kids involved and unless she is over him and closed the book ....i don't have good news......so i shut up now.....good luck .....deb Thank you for your post - it was very interesting to read from another point of view. I agree with what you say. I told him last night that I think he is being crue to both her and to me. How could he give her hope if there is none? He is also being affectionate with her (hugging before leaving after seeing the kids)... I do not have a problem with this but given she does not want to let go - I think it is completely wrong. Good luck with your situation and, once again, thank you for your post.
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