Not sure what to think

[HopingforBest]

He's 28, and I do feel I can confide in my mother in law. But I know they want for us to work this out so if they uncovered an affair I'm not sure they would tell me because that would only make things worse. She would confront him I'm sure, but telling me he was cheating would not facilitate a reconciliation. I was upset when I read he was going out drinking the night he left me but several people assured me its not necessarily a sign of cheating since when someone is depressed they tend to want to drink to numb themselves. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I've never known him to be liar.

[Silly_Girl]

Seriously, his parents and sisters, and even your mom, seem to be clueless.

 

 

I wouldn't mind betting they see it for what it is but

 

a) fundamentally, as Hoping already pointed out, their loyalty must ultimately lie with family

b) Hoping's situation is bad enough, I think they are minimising his behaviour to try and reduce the hurt it is causing. Acting like a nob is less hurtful and damaging than acting like a nob and cheating

c) they probably hope he'll come to his senses so riling Hoping with talk of what a no-good cheater he is really wouldn't help the cause.

[Silly_Girl]

Sorry Hoping, I hadn't seen your reply, seems I'm duplicating your thoughts.

[veryhappy]

It's very low of a man to cheat of the partner is pregnant or their are young kids.

 

I'd insist nicely to get the phone records. If they refuse, there's your proof. It shouldn't be such a big deal to access the account online and show it to you.

[Furious]

He's 28, and I do feel I can confide in my mother in law. But I know they want for us to work this out so if they uncovered an affair I'm not sure they would tell me because that would only make things worse. She would confront him I'm sure, but telling me he was cheating would not facilitate a reconciliation. I was upset when I read he was going out drinking the night he left me but several people assured me its not necessarily a sign of cheating since when someone is depressed they tend to want to drink to numb themselves. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I've never known him to be liar.

 

 

You came here because you suspect your husband is cheating, and you admit that even if his family knew he was, they wouldn't confide this to you, meanwhile his family has allowed him to leave you, pregnant and with toddler, meanwhile thinking that this will support reconciliation. They may have good intentions but I believe their misguided.

 

I feel your pain and confusion, and I can understand you want to believe your husband and save your family. You are a good person and you don't derseve this especially that your expecting another child.

 

I honestly believe that your husband should be home with you and not escaping to his parents home. He must man up, and if he is suffering from depression he needs to get that help, and not be living with his mommy and daddy and hanging out in bars.

[BetrayedH]

You need the truth. Either via the parents, a PI, or a GPS on his car.

 

By the way, I'm not buying what he's selling either, whether his parents believe it or not. Most people have no idea what other "good" people are capable of. And yeah, they also have motivation to lie.

 

Otherwise, if you file for divorce, you have a chance to knock him out of his fog.

[scatterd]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I heard the same thing that you are hearing about him not being that kind of person. Many people that are good people cheat. If your husband has nothing to hide then he should not have had a problem showing you his phone. Tell him that his actions are leading you to believe he is cheating. Going to his parents for help does not always work {I had in laws that stuck up for their son no matter what he did}some parents always stick up for their kids. Your husbands depression is not a good reason to leave his family to fend for their selfs this could make a habit of leaving every time he feels like this. He needs to see a counselor and a doctor. I really hope your husband is not cheating and comes back home but mean while prepare your self in case he does not. I would speak to an attorney to find out your options. Try to be as positive as you can right now and Lean on friends and family. Come here to vent people are kind and will help you

to see things clearly. Big Hugs:bunny:

[Steadfast]

The not knowing for sure is killing me. But if his plan is to leave regardless does it even matter?

 

I'll go against the grain here and advise you have the option to NOT ask, check, to not install keyloggers, snoop, investigate or hire a PI. He's cheating, if what you've described is accurate. The simple action of putting anything ahead of you or hiding is an act of cheating. If I were a betting man, I'd wager the farm there's another woman. To what extent is up in the air, but the reality is; he's not in your corner, he wants to separate, he's being secretive, and he's a top candidate for a$$-hole of the year.

 

The not knowing is an issue, but don't expect any comfort once you do know. Just clarity. The best, most productive action on your part now is to give him exactly what he wants. When he pulls away, pull away in the other direction even harder. It is a tremendous challenge, but YOU MUST focus your energy towards your and your baby's emotional and physical health. Give this weasel what he wants and let him go. Good riddance.

 

Go to a trusted friend or relative for the support you need. Explain exactly what those needs are, and lay out a plan. Enlist social services if needed and break communication with him. When he does contact you (and he will...) give him only the most basic of information then end it. Never contact him, only answer the calls or messages you feel are important.

 

If you follow this, I predict at some point he'll come crawling back. You can then decide what's best for you. If he doesn't, you've gotten a huge head start on your healing and moving on. Let him go. It's the only way out.

[HopingforBest]

What steadfast is saying makes a lot of sense to me. I haven't contacted him. He finally called today wanting to see our daughter. So he came over to see her and gave me some money. I''m glad he's at least remembering those two things. He did mention he won't be able to see her tomorrow, his only day off, because he has an all day concert he's going to. He also seemed in much better spirits just in general. I didn't sense resentment emanating from him towards me like I have been the past couple months. Not sure if that's a good sign or not. Probably not if the reason he's not hating me anymore is because he's finally gotten away from me. I think for now I'll leave him be. So long as he continues to provide for us financially and spend time with our daughter who loves him dearly, I see no need to contact him. I'm certainly not going to beg him to come home. Even if he's not cheating and decides to come back, he's broken my trust in him. I don't know who is anymore.

[HopingforBest]

Ok I'm kind of confused as to why so many people are suggesting I speak to an attorney. The word divorce has yet to be uttered between us. I understand we could be headed that way but I see no need to jump the gun. What is the upside to that? Also if there was another woman and it was serious enough to leave his family, wouldn't he be staying with her instead of his parents?

[Saba]

Ok I'm kind of confused as to why so many people are suggesting I speak to an attorney. The word divorce has yet to be uttered between us. I understand we could be headed that way but I see no need to jump the gun. What is the upside to that? Also if there was another woman and it was serious enough to leave his family, wouldn't he be staying with her instead of his parents?

 

I guess if he is not being honest with you he may be making plans (like a divorce) and using this time, where he is keeping you in the dark, to his advantage. Finding out your rights does not mean that you actually have to start the divorce process legally but it can't hurt to get some good advice.

 

I also think Steadfast has given some great advice.

 

He may not stay with his OW because it could make the future with her messy and he may feel that his family or friends may disapprove. I hope this is not the case. It could mean that there is no one else. It is not clear.

Edited September 30, 2012 by Saba
added something

[AnotherRound]

Ok I'm kind of confused as to why so many people are suggesting I speak to an attorney. The word divorce has yet to be uttered between us. I understand we could be headed that way but I see no need to jump the gun. What is the upside to that? Also if there was another woman and it was serious enough to leave his family, wouldn't he be staying with her instead of his parents?

 

This is just my 2 cents...

 

If I was you, I wouldn't be contacting him either. To me, it wouldn't really matter if he had another woman or not. To me, the bottom line would be that he packed all of his stuff and left you and your child with absolutely NO explanation. I wouldn't need any more than that to make at least a temporary decision of not contacting him.

 

I would go on with life for a bit, see what happens. Do you need to know if he is having an affair? Will that affect any decisions that you make at this point? I could be misreading you here, but it kind of sounded to me like you were a little okay if he left since he came to see your daughter and gave you some money. ????

 

If you want the relationship - you love him, think you are compatible, etc, - it is probably going to be important for you to know if he has had an affair. If you don't want the relationship, like you said earlier, what's the point?

 

I disagree with many posters who say to do keyloggers and gps and such. To me, if there is that level of distrust in any relationship, then there really is no point to continuing it, imo. I had an exH who cheated on me, and I did NO snooping. I would never expect my SO to let me "spy" on them through their phone - nor would I allow them to do it to me. Not bc I have anything to hide, but simply bc if that need is there, then I consider the relationship dead bc the trust is obviously gone. I also feel that "snooping" is "below" me. I don't know why I feel that way, I just do. I don't want to do it, and I don't need to do it, bc I either trust someone or I don't. With my exH, one of my good friends INSISTED that she snoop... I let her do it, but I had no intention of lowering myself to following a man around trying to catch him doing something. If he wanted to be somewhere else, he had every right to leave and do so. And until I was ready to be out of the relationship, I didn't snoop - I just made my decisions, and didn't need that information to do so. I was unhappy - and doubly unhappy that I even felt the "need" to have to stalk him to find out what he was doing - so I just didn't do it.

 

That's just me, obviously, you have to do what is best for you and what you feel good about. I just wouldn't have felt good about myself if I was chasing a man around trying to catch him or convince him to be with me (if that is what you planned on doing, or what others maybe suggested). I got better things to do with my time than that - and there are plenty of people who would be with me (and you!) and would never make me feel the need to chase them.

[AnotherRound]

PS You don't sound "crazy" to me. If you believe him about the depression, and he's lying - it doesn't make you look bad or "stupid". It just makes him look like he lied to you. I wouldn't worry too much about what other people think about the situation or your response to it. If you feel that he is telling the truth, there is no shame in believing him - even if he IS lying. It would be shame on him - not shame on you.

[BetrayedH]

Fair question about divorce.

 

I assume at some point you will want to decide about continuing a relationship with this man. To be brief, you will want to either divorce from him or reconcile with him. I somehow doubt that you will be ok with him continuing to "live with his parents," go to bars and concerts, and leave you alone with the kids, calling it a marriage while he gives you money and occasionally sees his daughter and pregnant wife. In my view, filing helps in either scenario. If he is having an affair, the quickest and surest way to end it is to expose the affair to everyone and to file for divorce. The fantasy affair bubble bursts and reality comes crashing in. The affair would be no fun for him or his affair partner. It would be high drama and not the exciting fantasy he's been living. Right now he is having his cake and eating it, too. He's even managed to shed that pesky wife that limited his affair time and has suffered no real drama. If you do this and force his hand, maybe he starts cleaning up after the nuke that he has dropped on the family. And if this doesn't work to burst the bubble, well, you're on your way to the divorce you needed anyway.

 

The only question that remains is whether or not he is having an affair. You seem to have no information and no viable attempts to get it. You're hanging onto this thread that he is depressed. I don't know how that explains hiding his phone and changing his passwords but you can believe it if you like.

 

You said your trust in him was destroyed. So, I think the question begs to be asked. How long does he get to pretend he is single while he is married before you do utter the divorce word?

 

Otherwise, I agree that I see no need for you to speak with him either. Kids and finances only at this point. You decide when it's kids, finances, and the divorce.

[BetrayedH]

By the way, I think the snooping helps you determine the truth so you can make an informed decision and you're definitely going to want to have that information if/when you go through divorce proceedings. Once the financial ramifications comes to bear and the attorneys get involved, things get nasty and you shouldn't be remotely surprised when your husband cites your lack of moral character as a reason for him to have full custody of the kids and have you pay him child support for doing it. Don't think that could happen? I can tell you a story. Of course, you didn't think any of this could happen either.

 

You need to consult an attorney.

[Cb3657]

I would, in this case, listen to what BH is saying. Right now you have zero leverage and no real choices. The very essence of being a free person is having choices, your only choice today is whether or not to wait for his call and money. Consult a attorney give yourself some leverage and choices, it is still your life to live, not his. This will also clarify his choices for him.

I also know that when you show that you are ok with being treated poorly you will continue to be treated poorly, get you self respect back for the sake of you, your daughter, and you unborn child.

[HopingforBest]

OK, I understand what everyone is saying about why it would be smart to see a lawyer... however I don't feel i'm quite there yet. I spoke to him briefly and he agreed that counseling would be a good idea for us. I guess we should try that first. He still says he doesn't know what he wants, that he is just very unhappy. I'm struggling with feelings of resentment towards him. I don't understand why he thinks his happiness is more important than his daughter's or even mine since I'm carrying his baby you would think he would want to limit my stress since that can be harmful to a pregnancy. Anyway, I don't think he's torn between me and another woman. I would lean more towards he's fallen out of love with me and is interested in other women as a whole. But I don't think there is a specific person.

[Decorative]

OK, I understand what everyone is saying about why it would be smart to see a lawyer... however I don't feel i'm quite there yet. I spoke to him briefly and he agreed that counseling would be a good idea for us. I guess we should try that first. He still says he doesn't know what he wants, that he is just very unhappy. I'm struggling with feelings of resentment towards him. I don't understand why he thinks his happiness is more important than his daughter's or even mine since I'm carrying his baby you would think he would want to limit my stress since that can be harmful to a pregnancy. Anyway, I don't think he's torn between me and another woman. I would lean more towards he's fallen out of love with me and is interested in other women as a whole. But I don't think there is a specific person.

 

Have you ever heard of a truth bias?

 

Here's a quick summary:

https://www.msu.edu/~levinet/deception.htm

 

This is what is going on with you. You are, by nature of your relationship with him, and the trust you hold in your marriage, willing to overlook the lies he is telling you.

 

Lots of us have been there.

 

I promise you, on the basis of way too much personal experience with this for myself and other close friends, that there is absolutely a specific woman that is the object of his behavior.

 

You must spy. Counseling with someone who is currently lying to you is going to accomplish nothing except likely end up heaping more distress onto you.

 

There is someone else. Your job, mama bear, is to find out who she is, and confirm her identity so that you know the truth of your own life, and so that you are approaching your marriage with the same information your spouse is. Because right now? You aren't.

[Cb3657]

Ok, I am hoping for the best for you.

To be clear you are now making yourself 100% reliant on someone who has already shown you he cannot be relied apon. Hoping,in this case, is all you really can do unless you take some ownership of this situation. I really do hope this works out but there is a old saying - hope for the best, plan for the worst. I know this seems like a massive step for you but he has already taken his massive step you owe it to yourself to make yours and at least protect yourself.

[turnera]

I know it sounds and looks like he's cheating, but he swears he isn't and that he still loves me. He says he wants time apart to fix his depression. Am I crazy to believe him?

Yes.

 

EVERY cheater says the exact same thing. He's probably told you you're crazy, you're seeing things that aren't there, stuff like that, right?

 

He wants time apart because he can't wait to get his own pad that his OW can come to as often as he can get her there. He's thinking with his other head.

 

Get the records for his phone and print out all the text messages and calls to a certain number. It will be hers. Ask a friend to follow him to see where he's going. With a camera. You need to spend a couple weeks playing detective because you need to get the proof. Once you have the proof, we can tell you what to do with it to get him to stop.

[turnera]

He still says he doesn't know what he wants, that he is just very unhappy.

That's because when you start an affair, your body gets filled with PEA chemicals; it's the same 'high' you two felt when YOU were dating; except now he's 'dating' another woman. It's typical for married cheating men to want BOTH of you; it's called cake eating - you know, have your cake and eat it too.

 

Understand that the PEA chemicals are a chemical, just like any other drug. He is now an ADDICT to keep getting the high he feels every time he sees or hears OW. The more he sees her, the more he has to have. Until he finally will be willing to throw away his wife, his kids, even his career, just to get another fix of OW.

 

The only way to stop this is to stop the affair.

 

The only way to stop the affair is to get the proof and to expose it.

 

I don't understand why he thinks his happiness is more important than his daughter's or even mine since I'm carrying his baby you would think he would want to limit my stress since that can be harmful to a pregnancy.

He is now an ADDICT. He can't HELP what he feels now and NOTHING trumps an addict getting his next fix. I know a woman who lost TWO sets of kids because of drugs. That's what he's into now. So stop thinking he is the same man you married. You have to get rid of OW for him to go through withdrawal, and THEN your H may come back. But it will never happen until you get rid of OW.

 

Anyway, I don't think he's torn between me and another woman. I would lean more towards he's fallen out of love with me and is interested in other women as a whole. But I don't think there is a specific person.

You're wrong. I've been on forums like this for 10 years and nearly EVERY single betrayed wife comes here saying 'I KNOW him, he wouldn't DO that. He's just unhappy with ME.' Well, no. He would do it and he is. The sooner you accept it, the faster you can get rid of OW. IF you wait too long, he will be too firmly attached to her and you'll end up divorced.

 

fwiw, so you understand, I am NOT saying your H is a bad person. NObody who's a good person gets into an affair intending to do so. They meet someone at work or at a store, say hi, say hi the next time, ask how they're doing the next time, ask the their name the next time, ask if they're married the next time...and on it goes until they are attached. They rarely see it coming.

[Owl]

So here's my thoughts...what are YOU actively doing to control and manage YOUR OWN FUTURE?

 

Right now, you sound like you're sitting there waiting for him to make his decisions...make the choices for you in effect...when you know full well that at this point he's NOT taking your well-being into account whatsoever.

 

That is why people are suggesting snooping, suggesting a lawyer, etc...

 

Because sitting there passively waiting for whatever crumbs of affection/caring/etc... that he's willing to drop your way is NOT in your own best interests.

 

You need to take ACTION to take care of yourself, and your baby. You cannot rely on this man any further...at least not while he's in the mode he's in.

 

YOU need to take some control back of your own life. You need to start ensuring that you and your baby are going to be taken care of in whatever fasion you need to do.

 

Hence the idea of getting "proof" so that you can either force the affair to a conclusion or use it to protect yourself and your interests in the event of a divorce.

 

Same with the idea of hiring a lawyer to help you understand what your legal options are here.

 

You may need to consider filing for spousal abandonment, for example.

 

But the bottom line is that you need to take ACTIVE CONTROL of the situation...not sit there passively waiting for him to (hopefully) fix the situation himself.

[strongnrelaxed]

WOW!

 

. I have learned so much in reading the responses to the OP with all of the unsubstantiated assumptions right out there for all to see.

 

Awesome and epic responses to a genuine and heartfelt cry for help!

 

Nice job ladies!

 

I hope other men are reading this.

 

To the OP. If I disagree with the women who have posted here, they will just attack what I say. If you truly want advice from an actual man, PM me.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP - I agree with nearly all the other posters: you are passively waiting with your head in the sand while he is, at the very very least, acting like a total dick. Likely having an affair to which you appear content to be oblivious. Depression my ass.

 

STOP BEING PASSIVE. Pop his fricken bubble - tell him, ideally calmly, that he must come home NOW, his attention and money belong with his family not the playground of the not-quite-grownup. Lay it on the line to his parents, his sister firmly that if he doesn't get his ass home right now he is not welcome home for thanksgiving. Change the locks. See a lawyer. Borrow money and get a PI. If you must MC, YOU find one who won't stand deceit and arrange it now, not for when a slot opens in your husbands schedule between concerts and who knows what else. ACT - DO NOT WAIT. He will moan and throw a pissy fit: fine. You are his pregnant wife and mother of his child and have clear priority.

 

Do you have no family and friends of your own? Confide in them. What do they tell you?

Edited October 16, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy

[sad puppy]

All she had to do, when he was going to an all day concert on his day off, was to send someone to follow him around and see who he was with. She would've had her answer.