HopingforBest Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 My husband just told me tonight that he thinks we need to separate. I am 5 months pregnant and we have a 2 year old. We've been married 3 years, together for 8. We planned this second pregnancy and everything was going well until about two months ago he became very withdrawn and distant. I've noticed he's been very protective over his phone and he recently changed his facebook password. He's been staying out late a lot. Tonight I couldn't get a hold of him and when he finally came home I just asked him point blank if I could see his phone. He said yes at first but then became very defensive and angry and refused to let me see it. That was when he said he thinks we need some time apart. I know it sounds and looks like he's cheating, but he swears he isn't and that he still loves me. He says he wants time apart to fix his depression. Am I crazy to believe him?
Minka333 Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 All signs point to cheating. There is no other reason for a man to get defensive over his phone or suddenly act distant. You are not crazy, you are just trying to overlook the obvious facts. He is using "depression" as an excuse. 1
GLDheart Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Some of the other warning signs: 1. Suddenly a new interest in looking good, maybe a new style. 2. Losing weight or working out 3. New clothes 4. New music There are more but those just pop to mind when I quickly think about it. Anyway, most people might say start "investigation mode" with things like spyware/keyloggers on the compter, gps trackers on the car, and voice activated recorders under the dash board, hiring a PI etc.... ...Has he "crossed the line" yet? I don't know. He will only tell you what you find out for yourself. This is the worst realization: He is not on your side anymore. You are on your own. Lean on family and friends. Do not let this isolate you. You have a choice right now. Gather intel or move to "phase two". I personally would play dumb, stay in "phase one" a little longer, and gather my evidence. Sometimes it comes in handy when shutting down the affair, exposing him to everyone, and prying out the truth from him. Once you are set, then move to the next phase and KICK HIM THE F*CK OUT. That's right, if he wants a new life, he can GO GET IT! Cheaters need the kick in the bells to realize that they don't get to use you to be the at home baby maker while they get thier freak on. This is all so terribly hard. My heart breaks for you. But, YOU DIDN'T DO THIS. He did. 6
2.50 a gallon Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Other than surprise parties, Christmas gifts, etc, there should be no secrets in a marriage. No doubt he is hiding something 1
BetrayedH Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Some of the other warning signs: 1. Suddenly a new interest in looking good, maybe a new style. 2. Losing weight or working out 3. New clothes 4. New music There are more but those just pop to mind when I quickly think about it. Anyway, most people might say start "investigation mode" with things like spyware/keyloggers on the compter, gps trackers on the car, and voice activated recorders under the dash board, hiring a PI etc.... ...Has he "crossed the line" yet? I don't know. He will only tell you what you find out for yourself. This is the worst realization: He is not on your side anymore. You are on your own. Lean on family and friends. Do not let this isolate you. You have a choice right now. Gather intel or move to "phase two". I personally would play dumb, stay in "phase one" a little longer, and gather my evidence. Sometimes it comes in handy when shutting down the affair, exposing him to everyone, and prying out the truth from him. Once you are set, then move to the next phase and KICK HIM THE F*CK OUT. That's right, if he wants a new life, he can GO GET IT! Cheaters need the kick in the bells to realize that they don't get to use you to be the at home baby maker while they get thier freak on. This is all so terribly hard. My heart breaks for you. But, YOU DIDN'T DO THIS. He did. This is a great post. Go into investigative mode. Pretend you know nothing. These are all the classic signs. Use your head instead of your heart for the time being. Resist the temptation to confront him. 1
frozensprouts Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 sounds like what happened with me and my husband... everything seemed fine, then he started spending huge amounts of time chatting online... he started getting angry with me, annoyed at things that before had been perfectly fine, withdrawn, etc.- when I asked him about it, it was always "stressed from work"," worried", etc., then it became "i don't have a problem, you do".. when I asked him to stop chatting online so much, he said he would, but a week later, said he wanted to separate and gave the old line of " love you but not "in love " with you"... he left to say with the girl he had been chatting online with ( we did reconcile, but it took a long time) any of this sound familiar? I'm not saying for sure your husband is cheating, but there are some of the warning signs...if I were you, I'd tell him that for your own sanity, you need to know what it going on. If he continues to be evasive, tell him that if he feels he needs to "separate" then he should do so, but that means leaving the house, and you. I would also suggest to you that if he truly feels your marriage is over ( or is he saying that he wants to leave, while you wait for him to sort his issues out?) that the two of you attend counseling together beforehand to find out what is really going on.You have enough on your mind right now without him pulling something like this... If he is telling the truth about his depression, he needs to get help from a counselor, doctor, etc.. Separating won't do anything to help with that. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this at a time that should be a happy one for you...feel free to give him a kick in the rear from me ( and I would hazard a guess that there are more than a few others on here who would like to do the same;)) 1
mercy Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 My husband just told me tonight that he thinks we need to separate. I am 5 months pregnant and we have a 2 year old. We've been married 3 years, together for 8. We planned this second pregnancy and everything was going well until about two months ago he became very withdrawn and distant. I've noticed he's been very protective over his phone and he recently changed his facebook password. He's been staying out late a lot. Tonight I couldn't get a hold of him and when he finally came home I just asked him point blank if I could see his phone. He said yes at first but then became very defensive and angry and refused to let me see it. That was when he said he thinks we need some time apart. I know it sounds and looks like he's cheating, but he swears he isn't and that he still loves me. He says he wants time apart to fix his depression. Am I crazy to believe him? Not crazy at all. He's your husband, why wouldn't you trust and believe him? Perfectly normal. What isn't normal are his actions aren't matching up to his words. Why wouldn't he hand over his phone to you? You are pregnant with his child. Why wouldn't he want to dispel any doubt you are feeling? Him wanting to leave the family home because of depression makes no sense. Where will he go?
underwater2010 Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 My husband just told me tonight that he thinks we need to separate. I am 5 months pregnant and we have a 2 year old. We've been married 3 years, together for 8. We planned this second pregnancy and everything was going well until about two months ago he became very withdrawn and distant. I've noticed he's been very protective over his phone and he recently changed his facebook password. He's been staying out late a lot. Tonight I couldn't get a hold of him and when he finally came home I just asked him point blank if I could see his phone. He said yes at first but then became very defensive and angry and refused to let me see it. That was when he said he thinks we need some time apart. I know it sounds and looks like he's cheating, but he swears he isn't and that he still loves me. He says he wants time apart to fix his depression. Am I crazy to believe him? Yep you are being crazy to believe him. Start doing some digging, but be sweet as pie while you are doing it. I would not have unprotected sex with him anytime soon though. Let us know what you find. 2
Author HopingforBest Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Well I think it' a bit late to go into detective mode now, he knows I'm suspicious so he'll be on the alert. Plus he says he's leaving to go stay at his parents so I'll have no access to anything anyway. The not knowing for sure is killing me. But if his plan is to leave regardless does it even matter? I need to get my head on straight and figure out the future. I don't think I mentioned that I'm a sahm. So I'm pretty much completely financially dependent on a really unreliable person. I have no idea where to start. I don't imagine too many places are willing to hire a pregnant lady.
Ninja'sHusband Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Oh man, I'm so sorry. That's really rough. Him leaving is a bad sign. I would be suspicous of where he's really going. I think you need to learn the truth as best as you can. Online phone records are a good place to start. He can't delete record of who he's been calling.
Spark1111 Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Well I think it' a bit late to go into detective mode now, he knows I'm suspicious so he'll be on the alert. Plus he says he's leaving to go stay at his parents so I'll have no access to anything anyway. The not knowing for sure is killing me. But if his plan is to leave regardless does it even matter? I need to get my head on straight and figure out the future. I don't think I mentioned that I'm a sahm. So I'm pretty much completely financially dependent on a really unreliable person. I have no idea where to start. I don't imagine too many places are willing to hire a pregnant lady. Well, until he moves out, you could install a keylogger. That may help you with the new password. Aren't you FB friends?
ThatJustHappened Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Well I think it' a bit late to go into detective mode now, he knows I'm suspicious so he'll be on the alert. Plus he says he's leaving to go stay at his parents so I'll have no access to anything anyway. The not knowing for sure is killing me. But if his plan is to leave regardless does it even matter? I need to get my head on straight and figure out the future. I don't think I mentioned that I'm a sahm. So I'm pretty much completely financially dependent on a really unreliable person. I have no idea where to start. I don't imagine too many places are willing to hire a pregnant lady. Oh my. I'm so sorry about your situation. I don't really have any advice to give that hasn't been given already..unfortunately if he wants to leave, you can't stop him. All I can really do is offer my support and an internet hug. I hope things get better for you soon..and good luck with the new baby. That's still something to look forward to.
ComingInHot Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Check the phone bill call log online like five minutes ago! GLD said it right. Gather information, but don't feel guilty about it. A. You find out he is not seeing someone and this IS due to depression ot B. He is unfaithful & lying and you have substantiated ducumentation to do w/what you will p.s., whatever information you may uncover, copy & forward to a trusted person. 1
Furious Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Well I think it' a bit late to go into detective mode now, he knows I'm suspicious so he'll be on the alert. Plus he says he's leaving to go stay at his parents so I'll have no access to anything anyway. The not knowing for sure is killing me. But if his plan is to leave regardless does it even matter? I need to get my head on straight and figure out the future. I don't think I mentioned that I'm a sahm. So I'm pretty much completely financially dependent on a really unreliable person. I have no idea where to start. I don't imagine too many places are willing to hire a pregnant lady. If he were my son I wouldn't let him come back home and leave his pregnant wife and toddler. I'd give him a kick in the arse because he won't be eating and sleeping under my roof if he abandons his family. 1
Author HopingforBest Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 We are fb friends but I doubt he'd be stupid enough to have anything incriminating on his wall where I could see it.
Ninja'sHusband Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 We are fb friends but I doubt he'd be stupid enough to have anything incriminating on his wall where I could see it. If you knew his password or could get to a system where he is logged in you might learn something. I finally got the truth about my wife's affair that way. She had been using Facebook's instant messaging system with the OMM and all of it was there to read on her laptop.
Author HopingforBest Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Checking the phone records would be a really good idea... but I can't because in trying to help us out financially his parents added him on their family plan. So I have no access to the phone records. It is also too late for key logger, he just packed up everything and left. He kissed our daughter goodbye but didn't even make eye contact with me when he mumbled his goodbye. Not a good sign.
Author HopingforBest Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 I did have his fb password but he recently changed it. Also not a good sign, I know. The more I write down about this, the more obvious it seems. But because there is no solid proof I keep wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt.
BetrayedH Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Consider borrowing money from family to hire a PI. You will want some proof in the event of a divorce. Even in a "no fault state" it can matter for child custody and spousal support. It's also time to consult an attorney. First visit is sometimes free to get an idea of what you are facing.
seren Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Hoping, if you are in the UK you will be entitled to benefits, not sure how it works elsewhere. Are you living in your own house or rented? First things first even though your head will feel like it's in a washing machine. Finances, make sure he knows he has to pay the mortgage or rent and any bills, do you have access to the bank account, check if he has been withdrawing any odd amounts or unaccounted money, it might suggest he has been paying for stuff you know nothing about. Will his parents be sympathetic to you? If so, I would explain to them what is going on, I too wouldn't have my son to stay if he just upped sticks on his family and responsibilities with no explanation. What an arse. His actions are totally selfish and you deserve as well as need an explanation. Maybe you could suggest that you need to know as you are going to discuss with a solicitor, at the very least he owes you an explanation. Don't just sit at home taking all the responsibility for the children and everything else. I know it is a lot to take in and you must be reeling. I am so sorry, somewhere in the chaos you will have to look ahead and protect you and your child(ren), get advice, try to talk with him, at his parents so they can sit with your child. If he isn't staying he at least has to plan for the future with you re finance, children, housing etc. It might not be an OW, it might be something else, but until you have the sit down talk, get your ducks in a row. Come back to LS for advice, support and venting, some very good advice can be found here. xxxx 2
whichwayisup Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 If need be, hire a PI. Borrow the money if you can't do it on your own. A sure way of finding out what he is up to. I am sorry that you're going through this..And I hate to say it, but it seems like his behaviour and your gut instincts are right..He IS up to something. May not be a full on affair, yet. Talk to your friends and your family. Even his parents..let them know him leaving was his choice, his decision and you're afraid he's cheating on you.
waterwoman Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 the night after I found the texts to and from OW. He had told me he was just being 'supportive' to her, but that night he seemed very confused about what he wanted and although he didn't say he was leaving, he didn't seem to be keen to stay. The full facts came out over the next few days and I think that the 'I don't know what I want anymore' was partly about the fear of having to face up to me and tell me what had been going on. It seemed easier to go. Are his parents likely to be helpful? Surely they won't simply accept that he is leaving his pregnant wife with no explanation? So sorry you are dealing with this
Author HopingforBest Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 I do have a pretty good relationship with his family, I spend more time with them than he does. But he is their son so I expect their loyalty to be with him 100 percent. I spoke with his mother just to make sure he really was going to stay over there. She was very concerned and sweet. He took everything, you would think he's never coming back. His two sisters came over today and were very kind and supportive. I told them everything that happened and they both seem to think that he would never cheat, that he must be telling the truth about his depression. So I'm trying to keep an open mind especially since my own mother also agrees that he is not the type to cheat and says he's displaying classic signs of severe depression. It's just hard though, I saw on his fb last night he posted that he was going out drinking and was trying to convince a younger girl from work to come out too. Those don't seem to me like the actions of a deeply depressed person. More like some one who is loving their freedom and wanting to party.
Furious Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 I do have a pretty good relationship with his family, I spend more time with them than he does. But he is their son so I expect their loyalty to be with him 100 percent. I spoke with his mother just to make sure he really was going to stay over there. She was very concerned and sweet. He took everything, you would think he's never coming back. His two sisters came over today and were very kind and supportive. I told them everything that happened and they both seem to think that he would never cheat, that he must be telling the truth about his depression. So I'm trying to keep an open mind especially since my own mother also agrees that he is not the type to cheat and says he's displaying classic signs of severe depression. It's just hard though, I saw on his fb last night he posted that he was going out drinking and was trying to convince a younger girl from work to come out too. Those don't seem to me like the actions of a deeply depressed person. More like some one who is loving their freedom and wanting to party. Seriously, his parents and sisters, and even your mom, seem to be clueless. Have you shown them his fb page and the night out partying he planned and the invitation to a girl from work. How old is your husband?
CarrieT Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Checking the phone records would be a really good idea... but I can't because in trying to help us out financially his parents added him on their family plan. Can you be open and honest with his parents about this and ask THEM to check their own records? As others have said, were he my son, I wouldn't let him come home. You might find an ally in his Mother if you can confide in her. 1
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