I apologized but he seems to be ignoring me! (more info inside)

[Sefarad]

Hi, I really hope you can help me out with this!! I don't know what to do or think! I feel really confussed, but hopely your inputs will help me understand what's going on here! Thanks in advance!

 

I'll give you some details about both of us first:

 

I'm a 25 year old female. I've been involved in some sort of long distance relationship (more of a friendship) for 1 month or so. He's an ultra-orthodox jewish man (haredim & hassidic), he's 29 years old. Originally from the states, but now living in Israel. He is not supposed to use computers, but he does anyways, because he works online (selling and buying stuff) I'm not religious at all, but he didn't mind.

 

We started communicating first week only tru e-mails, after that we skyped (upon his request)

 

For future reference: me and him seemed to share VERY similar personalities and many other things in common (we both were very aware of this and really happy about it) We both seemed to feel a strong connection with each other after our first ''text only'' conversation in skype. We later started video chatting, which made me realize how amazing the chemistry between us was (smiles and jokes all the way and no awkward moments a all!)

 

First week went well. Then right in the middle of the second one he vanished for almost one week. I assumed he had no interest to continue talking to me. Then on the 3rd he showed up again, claiming it all had been a missunderstanding; he could no longer log in the mornings,etc. I was ok, but still a bit irritated!

 

When the real problem started:

 

Almost by the end of the 4th week, he failed to do some things he had promised to do...I started to have a weird feeling about him (specially with the memory of him vanishing with no trace for 1 week not so long ago still fresh in my mind!)

 

In a very irrational moment I decided to write a message telling him we were nothing alike as I thought, he was a runner, etc. The message might have been a little tough, but NO BAD WORDS were used at all. I saw his fetish account online on yahoo (yes, he has one!) and seeing he'd not reply me; only fueled my anger even more and made me think I had made the right decision. I did this because I was really upset and feeling very defensive; trying to avoid getting hurted and laughed at again (I had just ended a bad relationship few weeks earlier) I deleted my yahoo account after that, but kept skype.

 

I sent this angry message on thursday, I logged into skype on sunday and he was there. I thought he had read the message already, so in anticipation I apologized to him, he then asked ''what message?''. I replied ''the angry one I sent you on yahoo on thursday'' He then said... ''I haven't read any message! I have been very busy and tired to check, haven't been able to sleep well in more than 10 days.'' After he told me that, I felt really bad and ashmed (we were video chatting at that moment) He then read it... in front of me and seemed very disappointed. I then told him I saw him online on that yahoo account that thursday, but he wouldn't reply me! He then continued to explain that everytime he turns on the laptop it automatically logs in yahoo. (Didn't sound very convincing to me, given the fact he told me weeks earlier that he shares that same laptop with other 3 roommates, but is very careful with his personal accounts!!) He told me he deserved the ''benefit of the doubt'', he's been sick, etc.

 

I apologized a lot to him, telling him I didn't mean what I typed, it was all in the heat of the moment! (most of the conversation was me apologizing that day) I then asked if he would forgive me, he said he couldn't think straight in that moment due the lack of sleep the previous days. He said ''I really like you very much and I want to love you, let me sleep it over.'' He then hinted he wanted to log out and go bed, but we continued talking for 1 extra hour. Almost near the end things got lighter and we started laughing and joking again, he then told me he believed I was sorry (after a lot apologizing) and that he forgives me, etc. Before logging out he again repeated ''I like you very much, have a wonderful day'' I thought everything would be allright.

 

The main issue:

 

By the 5th week he didn't show up at all on skype all week long. I then sent him an e-mail on friday (september 14) asking him if he was feeling well,etc. He replied it saying that he hadn't been online at all that week and it'd continue to be so for the next few days, specially because the jewish new year was going to start very soon (16 to 18 september) - (it's one of the most important, highly spiritual and religious holidays in the jewish world, specially for the ultra-orthodox) He then continued to wish me a sweet new year, he hinted that after the holidays were over we'd be able to talk as usual.

 

I then assumed everythnig would be back to normal after the holidays, so on the 6th week I wasn't so suprised not to see him. I start to feel a bit concerned on sunday when he didn't show up. I then started to think that maybe he lied to me in that e-mail by acting like everything was ok and things would be ok right after holidays. I believe he did it because he didn't want to ruin the new year holiday for me by not answering my mail or telling me the truth (comforting lies are adviced in such cases!) and he's very religious... that holiday is supposed to be very enlightening and joyful. After deeply looking into this... made me think he indeed lied to me and DID it for THIS reason.

 

What should I do?!? Should I go on waiting and hope for the best or do something?!? Should I send him an e-mail? I feel really guilty and bad about all this. Specially knowing he's probabily ignoring me and didn't accept my apology I really miss talking with him, we really liked each other a lot (both physically and intelectually) I swear I apologized a lot and in a very sincere manner, I even told him I'd do whatever it could take to make it up to him!! I don't want to believe he was being fake when he told me he forgave me... I'm a human being and make mistakes... and I apologized a lot! I feel so confussed right now. Please help me to understand this!

Edited September 26, 2012 by Sefarad

[justwhoiam]

I don't understand what you apologized for. And so many times. He creates disconnects with you, but all in all he has no duties with you. It's just a dear friendship. Leave him alone for a while. Don't sign on Skype anymore, until when he will contact you by email. If he cares anything about you, he'll want to know if you're still alive, one day, I guess. By the way, Skype is not like Yahoo: it doesn't work with offline accounts. So that means that for a message to be sent or received, you both need to be signed on at the same time. Therefore, he couldn't receive your message until when you were both online together.

 

Stop saying he's so religious and strict, please. Things don't match with this guy, he might want to follow some teachings and trying hard, but he's not behaving accordingly.

 

Also, as a religious fanatic, he would be concerned about your religious choices, if he were really into you. I guess he sees you as just a friend. Either that, or he's having mixed feelings about you.

 

Stop contact and see if he writes to you. When that time comes, let him know the new year shouldn't have been just a party to have fun. Let him know you know what the Jewish New Year means. It's a time of renewal and rebirth, and his didn't start well, because of his behavior towards you.

[Sefarad]

Hi, thank you very much for your reply!

 

I just wanted to clarify: I apologized for a kinda angry message I sent him on the 4th week. No bad words at all. I basically think he felt I judged him in a very wrong way and for that I feel really sorry. That day I wrote him that I was wrong when I said we were so alike... maybe mentally and intelectually, but never emotionally and morally, etc... looks like he took it very bad. I sent that message on yahoo, so I was suprised he hadn't read it until 3 days later. I think I either offended him really bad or he just used this as a excuse to walk away from me. I apologized a lot tho.

 

By ignoring me I meant he no longer shows up online on skype. Going to be 3 weeks now. He didn't delete me from skype tho, he used it because of me only; meaning I don't feel hopeful about that fact (he doesn't care about his skype account)

 

I know, for a haredim jew... he's not behaving accordingly at all. It's kinda odd... he's a shomer shabbat, but then he does things I know he as a haredi and as a religious jewish man shouldn't be doing. Physically speaking he looks like any other haredi man (long peyot, beard, black suit, black hat,etc)

 

About religion choices... he once hinted that back in NY he was involved in some kind of relationship with a non jewish woman, but couldn't marry her for obvious reasons. That made think he wasn't that into judaism... I never judged him for that tho.

 

He often hinted he'd like something more than just a friendship. I remind him we were just friends, no rush. I did however made it clear for him that I felt very comfortable with him, I found him very attractive and I really enjoyed his company. He did the same many times before me.

 

You are right, I'll be strong and won't make any contact with him. He obviousy lied (I don't care if it was the right thing to do in this kind of situation according to the torah and the talmudic texts and even if it's permissible by the halacha) For me a lie is a lie and gave me false hopes... if it was me I'd have waited til Rosh hashana ended and say it how it is; I can't accept your apology! or ''give me some time to think''.

Edited September 28, 2012 by Sefarad

[justwhoiam]

You're welcome. Reading your second post, I'd have some speculations to share.

 

If he was attracted to you and already went down that road with another woman, he already knows he can't give you what you deserve. And you don't expect him to play with your feelings or, even, use you for the sex.

 

Starting from that assumption, something I learned about men is that many can compliment a woman and it may not mean that much to them. In turn, if they're the object of compliments from a woman, they get the clue she has feelings, and they may freak out. So in your case, his running away is his way to deal with you, aka the object of his desire which he knows is not for him. It's as if you were married. He would steer clear, because he likes you.

 

On a side note, you shouldn't have told him you find him attractive and stuff. It was uncalled for. Would you say that to a priest? I know he's not a priest, but I guess you know what I mean.

[Sefarad]

You're welcome. Reading your second post, I'd have some speculations to share.

 

If he was attracted to you and already went down that road with another woman, he already knows he can't give you what you deserve. And you don't expect him to play with your feelings or, even, use you for the sex.

 

Starting from that assumption, something I learned about men is that many can compliment a woman and it may not mean that much to them. In turn, if they're the object of compliments from a woman, they get the clue she has feelings, and they may freak out. So in your case, his running away is his way to deal with you, aka the object of his desire which he knows is not for him. It's as if you were married. He would steer clear, because he likes you.

 

On a side note, you shouldn't have told him you find him attractive and stuff. It was uncalled for. Would you say that to a priest? I know he's not a priest, but I guess you know what I mean.

 

 

I just saw you had replied to this post The things got sorted out... not the way I wanted it or expected it to be tho. I found out some not really good things about him 2 weeks ago; I saw he posted something about some very bizarre fetishes on craigslist site. Needless to say I want nothing to do with him. I'm a secular woman and being in any kind of relationship with a haredi man wasn't a good idea since the start; those people (generally speaking) take religion very seriously.

 

I'm glad it happened this way... at least I got to know his real nature. Needless to say I never want to hear from him ever again! or his shameful and scandalous fetishes Which I'll not discuss or even mention over here out of respect for you and this warm, welcoming and helpful community

[Sefarad]

Oh, I also forgot to mention that apart from the fetish posts I also found another post from him on same day (crazy, huh!) He was looking for a nice ultra-orthodox ''frum'' girl with a similar background to his (Ashkenazi from hungary) Guess he wasn't happy with the thought of having a non-religious Sephardic girl such as myself

 

I'm concerned about the girl... if he gets any answer there; the guy is freaky... Amazing how decieving looks and words can be, huh! I really hope she can see tru his lies... specially if she's a good girl and is looking for something serious!

[NoMoreJerks]

OK. Here is the thing. If he ignores, you ignore too. Get it? Clearly, he is playing mind games or is not interested. If he's playing mind games, you should only oblige, or stay away from him. The latter is the better option. He seems to be one of those guys who do hot and cold. My ex ignored me for days, not sending me a text even, let alone calling me. At first I kept messaging him, but then I got the clue that he didn't want to talk. So I stopped messaging him. He sent me one mssg one day, asking me how my day was going. I answered politely, saying that it was good but hectic and asked him about his. He said his was ok, and that it wasn't long now that we'd meet up again (we were LDR).. I didn't reply. I didn't want to continue the conversation. There was nothing for me to say in response to that. I didn't want him to think I was too eager to keep the conversation going, or that I was sitting around waiting for the day that his plane would land here. No. It wasn't going to work that way. Just ignore. If he keeps ignoring, you wouldn't have lost anything. You wouldn't be able to gain him back by not ignoring him anyway. If he messages you, respond in kind, with the same exact tone he used, without any attitude (unless he gave you an attitude too). Do not nag him about not mssging you.