Mycteria Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I recently met a really fascinating guy and we hit it off. I am into some really weird stuff...interests that I felt would be almost impossible to find in another person, much less someone I am attracted to. He is extremely intelligent, I've never met anyone like him or been this attracted to someone. BUT...he's 28 years old and is still trying to get his life together. He's a musician (admittedly one of the many things that attracted me to him) and wants to make a living with his music. He's also got another potential money-making talent, he just needs to market it. I helped to get him a job where I work (just an entry level type job that I have since I'm in school) while he works on his other projects. I'm only 23 so it's not like I'm looking to get married or have a kid soon, but I would like those things eventually (in 5 years or so). Part of me says that I should give it a shot because we've got plenty of time for me to see what he's going to do with his life. There's also the fact that I just got out of a relationship with someone who was perfect "on paper" (college degree, good job, nice house, etc.) but I knew he wasn't right for me. I'm in school and am doing fine for myself...I won't ever need a man to support me. But when it comes to having a kid, I do want someone who can contribute to raising it in a good environment. I realize it's super early to be thinking of this stuff and I'm definitely not planning on getting serious with this guy anytime soon, but I like to think of every scenario. What do you guys think?
kae Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 wow. you helped him..already?? i say just watch him for 3months and try and find through other people about his character. Other people being his family or friends.. My ex`s mom told me my ex leaves things when they get hard.. and he left me when it got hard.. so ya.. Another thing id advice is not helping anymore.. a Real man helps himself. Dont become Superwoman save a loser...hehe come from Captian save a hoe.. Ya.. just watch him. 2
soccerrprp Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Yeah, I agree, don't help him too much too early. You have no idea of his intentions and could become dependent in a way that leads you to becoming the person who is "supporting" him. Good advice from kae. Watch him and see if he is truly the motivated and driven type. Don't want a potential couch potato/slacker on your hands. And also, make certain that he is genuinely appreciative of what you do for him. good luck.
EasyHeart Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 If you like him there's no harm in dating, just don't get too attached. And make sure you are looking at the real him, not your fantasy of who he might be. And never forget: You can't change men. Accept him for who he is or move on, but don't get stuck on trying to 'fix' him.
LittlePrince Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 The woman should always be the mooch. Not the guy.
Author Mycteria Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 I recommended him for the job before I was interested in him, we were just friends at the time. He didn't ask me to or anything, I did it because I thought he was a cool guy. I didn't get to know him until afterwards. Thanks for the advice guys!
LittlePrince Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I recommended him for the job before I was interested in him, we were just friends at the time. He didn't ask me to or anything, I did it because I thought he was a cool guy. I didn't get to know him until afterwards. Thanks for the advice guys! Yeah sure "friends" 1
JamesM Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Love someone for who they are now and not what they might become. If he is not what you want for a husband as he is now, then don't try to change him. However, if he knows what he wants to do and has a plan to get there, then perhaps time will prove him "worthy" to be a husband. Dating is to find a partner. And don't ignore those "flags" that bother you. 3
GoodOnPaper Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 And don't ignore those "flags" that bother you. I wouldn't worry about that. She certainly honed in on the major problems her last guy had . . . There's also the fact that I just got out of a relationship with someone who was perfect "on paper" (college degree, good job, nice house, etc.)
crosswordfiend Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I wouldn't worry about that. She certainly honed in on the major problems her last guy had . . . While that may be the case, she still needs to pay attention to the current red flags. Generals are always fighting the last war... OP, I've seen this situation repeatedly amongst the people that pour my beer and make my coffee and it always ends badly. In the unlikely event (<0.01%) that his "music" career takes off you'll never see him. Otherwise, you end up with a frustrated man-child who is still chasing his dream and trying to "keep it real". He's 28 already which means that he's probably been at it for over 10 years without any success. If you slap him into reality and tell him to give up the dream, he'll resent you. And if you don't manage to do it, you'll end up not being able to respect him. Recipe for disaster if you ask me. Plus, what happens if you someone new in the meantime and you are still emotionally stuck on this one? 1
jobaba Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 (edited) Everybody is still trying to get their life together... Since you are still in school, you are trying to get your life together now too, so technically, you are in the same boat (unless you are in medical school or Harvard Law). The fact that someone has a day job, a bachelors degree, and place to live doesn't mean they have their life together. Everybody and their grandmother has that these days. If I were you, I'd have thought about it that way. Edited September 26, 2012 by jobaba 2
monkey00 Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I know of a 30 something guy who is chasing his dreams to become a professional musician. He performs at venues, writes his own songs, produces them and sells them on iTunes. He's been in a lot of bad relationships and when I first met him, he reminded me of a man child...
xpaperxcutx Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I know of a 30 something guy who is chasing his dreams to become a professional musician. He performs at venues, writes his own songs, produces them and sells them on iTunes. He's been in a lot of bad relationships and when I first met him, he reminded me of a man child... Answer: never date a ' wannabe' musician.
GirlontheLam Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 It is way too soon to say "go" or "no go." But it does make sense to evaluate his plan. Does he have a backup if it doesn't work? How does he hope to achieve his musician goals? What does he expect out of his career in music? A good friend of mine is an actor. He has a "non career" job and he acts in local theater. Mostly parts that are paid (the vast majority of them). To further his career, he plans to go to grad school Another acquaintance is an aspiring musician/artist. Right now he treats these pursuits as a part time job, but he has a full time "real" job that pays the bills too. He doesn't expect to make money from his art now, and treats it as a hobby with some opportunity for adding supplemental income. I am more worried, that it sounds like your musician has no backup plan yet. He doesn't sound very ambitious. My examples are a little older though. One is 34 the other one is 29. The 34 year-old, took a scenic route through college went to college as a science major, got burned out after 3 years and took a break to work. Then completely switched gears to major in theater a few years later.
Author Mycteria Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 I wouldn't worry about that. She certainly honed in on the major problems her last guy had . . . Good on paper isn't everything. He did a lot of really sh*tty things to me and we were not intellectually or emotionally compatible. Yeah sure "friends" lol. We were just friends. In fact I was seeing someone else at the time. Thanks for the advice everyone! I don't know what his backup plan is, or if he even has one. Like I said, it's still really early in the game but I can't help but wonder about these things now before I get too emotionally invested. I certainly won't commit to him until he is the type of man I could see myself marrying, and I don't plan on getting married for a long time, so.... Curse my mother...I appear to have inherited her tendency to fall for musicians. haha.
Negative Nancy Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 He's a musician (admittedly one of the many things that attracted me to him) As soon as his band is going to be more successful and he has the groupies throwing themselves at him, he will dump you.
Author Mycteria Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 As soon as his band is going to be more successful and he has the groupies throwing themselves at him, he will dump you. Now I see why you picked your user name! My dad's a musician...he's gone every weekend and parts of some weeks, and he's a very faithful guy. I get where you're coming from, but that's not always the case. And if it is, then I don't want to be with him anyway so no sweat off my back!
GirlontheLam Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Good on paper isn't everything. He did a lot of really sh*tty things to me and we were not intellectually or emotionally compatible. lol. We were just friends. In fact I was seeing someone else at the time. Thanks for the advice everyone! I don't know what his backup plan is, or if he even has one. Like I said, it's still really early in the game but I can't help but wonder about these things now before I get too emotionally invested. I certainly won't commit to him until he is the type of man I could see myself marrying, and I don't plan on getting married for a long time, so.... Curse my mother...I appear to have inherited her tendency to fall for musicians. haha. He doesn't have to have all the answers now. People generally mature quite a bit the late 20s to mid-30s. You want to make sure he is one of those people thinking about the future. And not using YOLO as his motto.
Lovezen_30 Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Hi Mycteria. I don't feel equipped to give any particular advice, but I have some experience in this area. When I first met my boyfriend nearly two years ago, I knew music was a big part of his life, and it was his passion that made me all the more attracted to him. Fast-forward nine months, and he's offered a spot in a big that is just starting to go somewhere. He asked me what I thought, I told him to go for it of course. But the first few months were very hard as some of our big plans coincided with his first big concerts and had to be cancelled. I really started to think about whether I could cope with it, and had a few people close to me saying that a relationship with a musician wouldn't work out. But I held on and with trust and communication, things got easier. We have our biggest challenge so far coming up as he will be travelling for the longest time so far, and it helps to know he has strong views on cheating, though I keep my eyes and ears open. In the past few years or so he is still the kindest, most thoughtful and most interesting guy I've met, so I wouldn't change anything. We are a little bit younger than the guy you mention though, so our situations may differ more. He has his degree and a job, while I am still in education and like you, not yet looking for marriage etc. When it comes down to it I don't think you can really do anything other than make a decision based on the information you have in front of you. For me, it may not work out, especially if his band gets bigger - but I know I am very happy now. Ultimately you can take heed from the advice on here, but you will probably follow your own heart/general feeling when it comes down to it.
Author Mycteria Posted September 29, 2012 Author Posted September 29, 2012 Thanks for that post, Lovezen. There is no rush, I am only 23. I really enjoy his company right now and I've got time to wait and see where he's going. If he ever did join a band and spent time touring, I think I would be able to handle it. I'm pretty independent and I'm used to the music scene (my dad is a bass player and has a studio and my step-dad is a drummer/sound guy so he's on tour almost every weekend). No worries Pierre, I will not be handing out any money and I know he would never ask. Plus he has the same job as me now so I know how much money he's making. Honestly with this job we have, we make about the same amount of money as most college grads, so it's not really the money that I'm worried about. I just want to make sure that he's happy with his life before I would consider committing to him.
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