JayL Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 (edited) My friends will get sick of me if I continue talking about this... so I'll post here... It has been 3 weeks since I broke up with the girl who I dated for a month and a half. It may not be too long, but spending everyday with her got me attached, while on the other hand, she did not give 2 sh*ts. We may have gone too fast, but initial questions such as "do you see us going anywhere" were asked by her on our first date, 2nd week, we had our 4th date, beginning of 3rd week, we became official. The next day, she introduced me to her family and even had lunch with them, the following day, she messaged me asking if I wanted to come over and have dinner with them. I know, way too fast, but I didn't mind at all because I genuinely wanted to be with her and get to know her more. Ever since, I spent almost everyday with her, after work I'd come over or she will come over, we had sex about twice a week. The problem was, she was sweet for an entire week of the 3rd week, being all affectionate, sweet etc. but the following weeks, she had the rollercoaster emotions, that sometimes she will feel that she wants to be single, sometimes she feels that she wants to be with me. She never told anyone that she was with me, except for her bestfriend and her other close friend, basically, she was hiding me from everyone, something that I questioned why? She said "I'm only 50% into this...". Which explained why she had the rollercoaster emotions. Day 1 sweet, Day 2, she won't even look at me and is so focused on her phone as we sit together. This rollercoaster emotions really annoyed me and always sparked arguments each week, starting week 4. I felt alone in the relationship, I felt that sometimes I'm with someone, but sometimes, I feel that I was invisible. Whenever I was not with her and she's out with friends, I NEVER message or call her, I NEVER asked who she's with, she will just message me when she gets home. Throughout the day, our maximum exchanged text messages combined are no more than 5 to 6. If she's got plans with her friends and could not spend time with me, all I said was "okay, have fun, talk to you later". I'm absolutely not a clingy type of boyfriend as I've got things to do myself as well if I'm not with her. Whenever she's doing the dishes, I'll help out, when there's a spill on the floor, I'll wipe it. Her complain... I'm too proper... and that she's not used to it... because apparently, the men that she's been with in the past did their own thing while she does her own thing. That's when I looked at her and said "well... that's not how I perceive a relationship". On 6th week we had an argument, I came over and her music was blasting and her mother was sleeping in the next room, so I looked at her and said "isn't your mom sleeping? Maybe you should turn the volume down", so she did, but got annoyed because apparently, I was telling her what to do. She said that I'm so anal, I said it's called respect and being considerate to others. Then she said "you don't know how the family functions". I said it doesn't matter, if you were sleeping, would you want someone to blast their music full volume? She did not say anything. We then proceeded to go out to take a walk together, she did not say a single word, she sat in my car for entire half hour looking outside as I drove, did not say single thing, we got to our destination, walked around the park and she normally would grab my hand, but the rollercoaster must have kicked in again and she was not feeling it that day, just like every other day of our relationship. So I asked her if she wants to talk, she said there's nothing to talk about, I asked if something was bothering her, because obviously there was something, and she replied "no". Then I said "if it's about me being too proper in your point of view, tell me what it is that I do that annoys you so I can at least compromise, because if we don't talk about it, we're wasting time. All she said was "just drop it, I don't want to talk about anything and I don't want you to change for me, because it won't be you", my response was "I won't change, in a relationship, there must be a compromise for it to work or this is not going anywhere. That's when she snapped and said I was threatening her and that we should just end it because we argued once a week about the same stuff. My response to her was "because you don't communicate, how can we work things out if we don't communicate? we can't just sit there and suck it up and wait for things to just click" That's when we broke up.. I then asked her that same night what was causing her "roller coaster" and she responded "there's chemistry, but there's something missing.... you have all the qualities of the man that most women want, but I don't.... I like doing my own things and I like my man to do his own things, it's my personal thing... A lot of women look for a man like you but they can't find them, but I don't want that, and my family likes you, but something just turns me off... So she basically led me on for a month and a half, spent all those time with me, had sex with me multiple times, which for me meant something, for her probably only meant "fun", everything was fake, nothing was real, she was just with me physically, but not emotionally and mentally... and what screwed me over are my good qualities. I'm an organized man and I like to keeps things clean and organized, apparently, it's a turn off for her. I also found out that she lied to me about her past, that she slept around, which didn't really matter to me, but she said that she'd been single for 5 years and did not go on dates with anyone, which means she just shagged I don't know how many men for fun for 5 years. She also has way too many guy friends that keep texting her whenever we're together and sometimes I'd see that grin on her face while reading the text message, but I never ask who it was, it wasn't my business to ask. I am just so angry and I really need to vent.... I'm trying to move on and I don't understand how I am in this position even though I was only with her for a month and a half. Is it because I feel cheated? Lied to? I was made to see illusions? I made the mistake of being mean to her after 3 weeks of no talking, I sent her a message and said I hope that she's doing well and I asked if we could go for coffee and talk and end things nicely if it really is over... she never responded, so the other day I sent her a message saying that's fine if she doesn't want to talk to me, I said that I was just wanting to end things nicely despite the fact that she led me on. She responded that she did not appreciate me saying that and that to never message her again and to just drop it because she never said anything mean to me. That's when I lost it and told her that how can she say anything mean to a man who did nothing but treat her right. I told her about the things that I found out that she lied to me about through mutual friends that we both did not know we had, since her and I had only known each other for just over 6 weeks when we broke up. I basically found out from other people that she slept around with men she met at parties, that she slept with some dude (maybe dudes) she met in the Carribean when she went on vacation. So I did mention that as well. I told her that I trusted her and that she ruined my trust, that I feel betrayed, and I do hope that she could learn to respect herself and not sleep around now that she's single again. Lastly, I told her that I still care for her and I wish her the best, but that does not mean that I will ever want her back. Then I said goodbye. I'm angry... I really am.... Maybe the reason why I'm dwelling on it for this long even though we haven't been together for so long is because I feel betrayed... I was lied to and I totally believed everything she said.... If any of you have seen the movie 500 Days of Summer, that EXACTLY was my situation, except she did not get married. Edited September 26, 2012 by JayL
ashtree-house Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I'm really sorry that happened to you. Some people just are not meant for relationships. She seemed very torn between being with you and being single. And compromise and communication are important for a relationship to work, and some people are just unable to do these things. It's likely she will never find what she is looking for. It's understandable that you are angry. It doesn't matter how long you were together, if you invest yourself into someone and it doesn't work out, its natural to be angry. Especially since she treated you so poorly. Just keep venting, and keep yourself busy.The anger will pass, and you'll feel nothing but maybe pity for this girl. Remember.. You deserve better.
Minka333 Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Be happy your time with her was short, that you saw her true colors early on. You are actually lucky to be spared from a woman who sleeps with other men during relationships. It is just your ego that's hurt. You treated her right and naturally you expected her to reciprocate. But people are different. Some people don't value nice gestures that their partners do. Some people are just selfish, self-centered individuals. Take this as a learning experience. In time you will meet someone who will appreciate you for who you are and you will just laugh this moment off.
lukas Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I was in a situation like that. About a year later I found out what the real answer really was: Turns out the whole time we were seeing eachother she was in love with this other guy who had a gf. When I broke up with her due to her lack of ability to clearly commit "i like you but i really dont know what i want" kind of thing, we didn't talk for months. Eventually she began dating one of my friends (fine with me). He starts a fist fight with this guy for no real reason. Eventually someone tells me what when I was away after we'd broken up she'd been sleeping with that guy (who was not single at the time) and that she had been in love with him for ages prior to that. Chances are she is into someone more...
Author JayL Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 (edited) I was in a situation like that. About a year later I found out what the real answer really was: Turns out the whole time we were seeing eachother she was in love with this other guy who had a gf. When I broke up with her due to her lack of ability to clearly commit "i like you but i really dont know what i want" kind of thing, we didn't talk for months. Eventually she began dating one of my friends (fine with me). He starts a fist fight with this guy for no real reason. Eventually someone tells me what when I was away after we'd broken up she'd been sleeping with that guy (who was not single at the time) and that she had been in love with him for ages prior to that. Chances are she is into someone more... She only had 1 boyfriend, she was 15 until she was 20, but he cheated on her twice according to her, hence she stayed single from 20 to 25 (which is her age) but she did sleep around within the 5 years she was single, but at the same time tried to get back with her ex who already knocked someone up. Whenever her and I were doing things, she always compared her ex to us, stating that how I'm such an improvement compare to him, how her family and friends hated him, but her family loves me, and yet, out of all her friends, only 3 knew I existed. One time when I got upset and attempted to end it, she came over right away and she brought up why she's so distant and told me it's because of what she went through with her ex and she started crying. I guess I can't fully blame her for doing this to me as the signs were right in front of me but I chose to ignore them and stay due to my rapidly developing emotions... I guess after all those years she has not fully gotten over him. I just happened to be one of those guys within the 5 years that failed to make her forget her ex for good it seems... Unless she treated me as just one of her F buddies, since that's all she really had within the 5 years she was single... except ours had a boyfriend/girlfriend status, it's just I never felt that I had one, except for several days within our 3rd week of being together when she was affectionate and reciprocated. Throughout our time being together, she always responded back quick if I messaged, sometimes she will message first, we alternated in calling or messaging before going to bed, depends who goes to bed first, but other than that... nothing... whenever I asked her to do stuff, her response was always "We'll see... I'll let you know". If she ever agrees to make plans with me, it's the time when all her friends are working and she's got no one to hang out with right away. Whenever we made plans, she spends the entire day with her friends first and then message me around 5 to 6 pm and tell me "you can come over any time now". The only time she's really affectionate to me is during sex and a few minutes after sex. After that, we were back to normal.... the disastrously cold and distant relationship.... on her end at least... I guess I just miss the companionship and my ego really is shattered... I was treated like crap and I let it happen to me... I'm just really finding it hard to move on and it should not be like this... I've been in relationships in the past, one lasted for 3.5 years, one for 2 and one for about a year. I had short term relationships as well that lasted about a month or slightly over a month, but I never felt like this after our break up... it's only this time that for some reason, when I wake up, she pops in my head and she never leaves my head for the entire day until I go to bed... it's stupid, but I can't control it... I keep myself busy too with work, I even picked up extra hobbies and started hanging out more with friends, but for some reason, she's just stuck in my head... I don't know what else to do to get her out of my mind.... I'm not as hurt as I was during the first week of our break up, but I'm still in disbelief, disappointment and sad. Her and I had a great compatibility, only if she reciprocated, it would have worked out great. Edited September 26, 2012 by JayL
lukas Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 She only had 1 boyfriend, she was 15 until she was 20, but he cheated on her twice according to her, hence she stayed single from 20 to 25 (which is her age) but she did sleep around within the 5 years she was single, but at the same time tried to get back with her ex who already knocked someone up. Whenever her and I were doing things, she always compared her ex to us, stating that how I'm such an improvement compare to him, how her family and friends hated him, but her family loves me, and yet, out of all her friends, only 3 knew I existed. One time when I got upset and attempted to end it, she came over right away and she brought up why she's so distant and told me it's because of what she went through with her ex and she started crying. I guess I can't fully blame her for doing this to me as the signs were right in front of me but I chose to ignore them and stay due to my rapidly developing emotions... I guess after all those years she has not fully gotten over him. I just happened to be one of those guys within the 5 years that failed to make her forget her ex for good it seems... Unless she treated me as just one of her F buddies, since that's all she really had within the 5 years she was single... except ours had a boyfriend/girlfriend status, it's just I never felt that I had one, except for several days within our 3rd week of being together when she was affectionate and reciprocated. Throughout our time being together, she always responded back quick if I messaged, sometimes she will message first, we alternated in calling or messaging before going to bed, depends who goes to bed first, but other than that... nothing... whenever I asked her to do stuff, her response was always "We'll see... I'll let you know". If she ever agrees to make plans with me, it's the time when all her friends are working and she's got no one to hang out with right away. Whenever we made plans, she spends the entire day with her friends first and then message me around 5 to 6 pm and tell me "you can come over any time now". The only time she's really affectionate to me is during sex and a few minutes after sex. After that, we were back to normal.... the disastrously cold and distant relationship.... on her end at least... I guess I just miss the companionship and my ego really is shattered... I was treated like crap and I let it happen to me... I'm just really finding it hard to move on and it should not be like this... I've been in relationships in the past, one lasted for 3.5 years, one for 2 and one for about a year. I had short term relationships as well that lasted about a month or slightly over a month, but I never felt like this after our break up... it's only this time that for some reason, when I wake up, she pops in my head and she never leaves my head for the entire day until I go to bed... it's stupid, but I can't control it... I keep myself busy too with work, I even picked up extra hobbies and started hanging out more with friends, but for some reason, she's just stuck in my head... I don't know what else to do to get her out of my mind.... I'm not as hurt as I was during the first week of our break up, but I'm still in disbelief, disappointment and sad. Her and I had a great compatibility, only if she reciprocated, it would have worked out great. I would ignore her past as a whole. It really does sound like she was using you as an F-buddy and got into something she wasn't really ready for. While she may very well still be in love with her ex from a long time ago, I find that doubtful. And that really sounds a lot more like the situation I was in... I remember trying to touch that girl in public around anyone we knew and just good lord that was a nightmare... Basically what you want to do to move on is to do what I did in that case: -cut all contact (including deleting her on facebook) -stop fantasizing about her and/or remembering what happened with her -spend lots of time with your friends and talk about other more cheerful things I hope that helps. Seriously though you are a lot better off without her! You will realise that soon enough
Author JayL Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 I would ignore her past as a whole. It really does sound like she was using you as an F-buddy and got into something she wasn't really ready for. While she may very well still be in love with her ex from a long time ago, I find that doubtful. And that really sounds a lot more like the situation I was in... I remember trying to touch that girl in public around anyone we knew and just good lord that was a nightmare... Basically what you want to do to move on is to do what I did in that case: -cut all contact (including deleting her on facebook) -stop fantasizing about her and/or remembering what happened with her -spend lots of time with your friends and talk about other more cheerful things I hope that helps. Seriously though you are a lot better off without her! You will realise that soon enough Yes, thank you. I may just be feeling this way because I let her destroy my ego and I was aware that is was starting to go downhill, instead of uphill. My regret right now was losing it the other day when I attempted to talk to her and formally end things nicely after 3 weeks of no communication, but she came back with a b*tchy attitude, hence I lost it. My feelings for her has been slowly converting to anger and it's all bottled up. I told her she had the nerve to act like that while she was the one who screwed me over and I'm just trying to be civil and talk so we can both part ways and take separate paths peacefully. I brought up all the reasons why I would not have considered her in the first place, but I accepted everything about her and she treated me like sh*t and led me on. I basically made her feel like crap and talked down to her, I just feel bad that I stooped down that level and I shouldn't have... I want to apologize now that I'm calm, but I don't at the same time because I just hate her.... Thanks for all the advice...
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