Girl I've been talking to the past few months told be she has herpes...

[Mikie]

Girl I've been talking to the past few months told be she has herpes...

 

I was taken back.. to say the least. We've gotten so close, we talk everyday, we care about each other very much... this relationship is still so new in many ways.. we still have not have had our first kiss.

 

We talk about everything, and I mean everything...and more and more conversations we have, they sometimes lead to talking about sex. So she decided she finally needed to tell me if we were to take it to the next level (dating) and eventually.. sex.

 

I'm sooo completely happy she told me, you see I once had a ex who was with another man, got something, called me up and said "um, I hope your sitting down. I slept with so-and-so, and now I think he gave me something"

 

My stomach dropped... I got a cold sweat and my heart raced.. oh man.. I was angry, upset, hurt, scared... ughh.. log story short, I got tested and was clean

 

So... having said that, I was happy she came out and told me, her ex had it.. KNEW about it.. and didn't bother telling her. This was 1 1/2 years ago. Basically she said "the balls in your court" I am the one to decide where I want to go from here, and she said I can walk away.. and she would understand. She said she's really into me and is interested in taking it further... but wanted to tell me before we even got anywhere near dating.

 

So.... had anyone done this before? I like her a alot... we've known each other a few months, and I thought she was the perfect gal... then... she tells me this.. this morning.. a bombshell.. It's so fresh in my mind.. I need to hear from someone, who's in anything like this.

 

I can't think of leaving her for something like this. But at the same time.. I am scared. What would ya do?

 

Whats it like dating someone with herpes? Thats what I want to know. I'm 99% sure I want to become more then friends with her.

 

HELP.

 

 

If this is the wrong forum to post this in, please someone let me know and I'll post elsewhere.

[ringo]

You must mean a lot to her for her to come clean with you. If you are sure that you want to go further than I suggest you do all the reseach you possible can on the disease. Woman with herpes can still have children... I know this as I friend of mine has done so.... but you still need to educated yourself before going further.

 

Best of luck.

[fanou22]

Coming from someone who has Herpes, I can also say you really need too examine yourself closely and think that if one day you get it, how would you feel.

 

Educate yourself on it. There are a lot of reading materials on the internet and your best source is your doctor.

 

Most importantly don't give her false hopes. I had been in a situation like this before where I met a guy and told him before things got anywhere but then we went along into our relationship. But once we had sex (though protected) he freaked out and you can guess the rest from there.

 

I can answer any questions you have from a woman's perspective. Feel free to ask whatever or PM me.

[Mikie]

Originally posted by ringo

You must mean a lot to her for her to come clean with you. If you are sure that you want to go further than I suggest you do all the reseach you possible can on the disease.

 

The other day.. before she told me this, she said she puts me up their with her dad. and he is a awesome guy...

 

And yes I am doing lots and lots of reading.. I have lots to learn. As I said... I just found out this morning....

 

Originally posted by ringo Woman with herpes can still have children... I know this as I friend of mine has done so.... but you still need to educated yourself before going further.

 

Best of luck.

 

We talked about having kids a few months back. It's something that neither of us really want. But who knows... people change..

 

Thanks.

[Mikie]

Originally posted by fanou22

Coming from someone who has Herpes, I can also say you really need too examine yourself closely and think that if one day you get it, how would you feel.

 

Educate yourself on it. There are a lot of reading materials on the internet and your best source is your doctor.

 

Most importantly don't give her false hopes. I had been in a situation like this before where I met a guy and told him before things got anywhere but then we went along into our relationship. But once we had sex (though protected) he freaked out and you can guess the rest from there.

 

I can answer any questions you have from a woman's perspective. Feel free to ask whatever or PM me.

Yes I am very, very interested in what you have to say. As I have said.. I am reading up.. and... educating myself.. this all happened today.

 

If you don't mind... how did he "freak out"?

 

And this relationship is so new... who knows ... we may not even go there. We are still getting to know each other more and more. But I'm NOT going to toss away someone who makes me so happy and who is so amazing to me, because they have this.

 

It seems like a annoyance more then something that is life threatening.

 

I'm not exactly thrilled... but I am happy she told me. I hate her ex. How could he know.. and not tell her..

 

Thank you for offering me to PM you, but I'll try to keep my questions public so others can learn. I'm not ready to ask any personal Q's yet I don't think... still reeling from the news..

[Mikie]

Just thought I'd pass one some helpfull links I found

 

 

The Updated Herpes Handbook

http://www.westoverheights.com/freebooktext.html

 

and

http://www.racoon.com/cgi-bin/dcforum/dcboard.cgi

[FreeMe]

You can have a long-term relationship with someone with herpes and never contract it. You probably have more chance of getting it by playing the field and being with someone who doesn't even know she has it. Your girl probably knows the signs that signal a flare-up and will refrain from engaging in sex at that time. I would continue to read up on it and then talk to her about it some more. It sounds like she's responsible about it.

[faux]

The main thing to remember is that, even if you do use condoms, it is possible to contract herpes. If you are not willing to accept that you can very possibly get herpes from becoming intimate with this woman, then you most likely are not so ready as you initially thought. Another way of looking at it is to assume that you will get genital herpes, as this may put things into better perspective for you.

 

If you really care for this woman, and are comfortable with the situation, then the choice is entirely up to you. I would say go for it. This is an individual decision that only you can make for yourself. Just be educated, and be prepared. Remember that you can contract herpes yourself, no matter how many precautions are taken. It is very possible to spread herpes even when an outbreak is not present, or most often, when an outbreak is not visible enough to be noticed.

[Fayebelle]

major props for not blowing her off immediately. Sadly this would be A Lot of people's 1st response. Your care and concern go a long way toward showing why she trusted you enough to be honest.

[fanou22]

Mikie,

 

He freaked out by constantly wondering whether I gave him Herpes or not. He read a lot of material about before we even went any further in our relationship and he knew what are his chances on contracting the virus should one day things become more serious between us. But he kept wondering what if things don't work out and he ends up with the virus, then he would be in my shoes. He avoided all kind of sexual contact with me after that first time. Needless to say the main topic of discussion between us was Herpes.

 

Don't you think it gets annoying to have to talk about the same thing? He even got himself tested.

 

I agree with what FreeMe said, you could spend the rest of your life with her and never get it.

I read a lot of things about Herpes to the point that I convinced myself that I will definitely give to someone the first time I sleep with him should I have a relationship. It took me 2 1/2 years to come to term with it and accept it as a part of my life (Did not date anyone during that time).

 

I admire your courage for seeking support and educating yourself. I know that your friend is awaiting your response and reassurance. IF you know that this is a long term kinda thing then don't be afraid. She will be more careful than you are.

[Moon in Taurus]

Mikie

 

You are too good to be real. I think you have probably helped zillions of people feel a whole lot more happy with their lot in life, and one of them is me. Thank you so much for writing such a nice post in response to my bad mood (which has passed) -- http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=269946#post269946 I think is the url.

 

Your girl is very lucky and I hope you will stay together and do good things for each other. Sounds like it's happening.

 

Herpes is not the end of the world. That's what bugs me so much. People overreact because they don't understand. It can be bad, but I swear it isn't the herpes itself that's so bad, it's the stressful state that you are in that enables the herpes to break out that is the real horror.

 

I get a blister two or three times a year. Sometimes it doesn't even break. I usually hardly notice it. If it is uncomfortable, it's only for a few days and it starts to heal over. But if I am feeling down about it, it seems like the end of the world.

 

It's your attitude about yourself that makes it worse. And also if you are run down from stress you can get a few other symptoms with it. But again, it isn't the end of the world then either. Mind you that doesn't mean you should race out and carelessly get infected. Also I've read that pregnant women need to be concerned because if they have sores when they're giving birth, the baby's eyes can get infected and the baby can go blind. That's serious.

 

What is bad for us adults who have herpes is that we can get so hypersensitive about it, or feel so down on ourselves that we get into weird mental states --excessive guilt or hiding away from people.

 

I was in that state. I am getting out of it. Slowly.

 

How old am I? Well.... old enough to be shy about telling. I am afraid if you all knew my age I wouldn't get feedback from the site and I need it. Let's start by saying I'm over 30. It's not a lie! Plus I've already had two kids so that part of my life is fulfilled. I can be philisophical now.

 

Thanks again Mikie and keep on being a hero. We need heros desperately in this world.

 

--Moon in Taurus

[Mikie]

hey all, just wanted to say we're still talking... taking things slow. Nothing has changed we're still as close as ever.. we havn't talked about it, no real reason to.. but she said she was kinda surprised I didn't take off... and that she adores me.

 

Don't think I'm one of those n00bs who posts some traumatic event, then leaves never to be heard from again.. god I hate that

 

I'll bump this time to time to update you all, thanks for all the kind words.

[educateyourself]

Hi,

 

My advice is to educate yourself. At the risk of upsetting people, it is not a small thing. It is an uncurable disease, which you would have to deal with the rest of your life. What if it does not work with your current gf? Then you will have to go out there and date people and deal with this...and the reason is why? there are many other nice people out there.

 

If you sleep with her, please do not lie to yourself, go forward with the assumption that you will get it and plan accordingly. Yes, there may be a chance you may not, but condoms will not protect you completely and it is better to be prepared- denial never helped anyone.

 

Also, think about how much quilty and anger you will add to your relationship if you do get it? Can you deal with it? You seem like a wonderful man, but be realistic, you are not talking about buying an expensive shirt that may go out of style. This is a disease and it is hard to deal with and has a very negative spin.

 

I am not saying to dump this very nice woman. I am saying make sure that you know all the facts and do not let love blind you in such a critical decision. It will not do either of you or your relationship any favors.

 

Best wishes

[shamen]

There have been several threads on the herpes subject, Mikie. Have you checked them out? Just do a search for herpes and you'll find them.

 

One of the links that Mikie wrote down for us reminds us that 1/5 adult Americans have herpes simplex virus 2 (genital herpes, HSV2) and 70% of Americans have herpes simplex virus 1 (on the mouth, HSV1).

 

So, educateyourself, before you say that you wouldn't date someone who had HSV2 (I'm inferring from your post; my apologies if you do not mean this), just take a look at a room full of adults the next time you're somewhere public and remind yourself that 1 in 5 of them has it. Take a look around the mall. Think about all those people that have it... and my bet is that many of them will be attractive, normal looking people. Take a look at work, same thing. Take a look at your family. Just take a look around you.

 

I have it. Haven't had an outbreak in years, 3, 4, 5, I don't remember. It's been so long, I don't even know.

 

Oh, as a side note, I got it from a virgin who had a cold sore on his mouth. Yes, it's possible for the virus to change from 1 to 2 if someone goes down on you. So take a look at someone's mouth before you let them to anything to your privates (keep in mind that 70% of the US population has HSV1)!

 

Mikie: I've had a very normal sex life. I've had two guys in the 14 years that I've had it tell me they couldn't continue dating me because of it. That's cool. Each to his own. Other than that, I educate, educate, educate potential partners. To be honest, most of them have not found this to be a problem. Yes, I did give it to one guy when I first found out that I had it, but I didn't know that I had it when we started sleeping together. Since I have known, I've never given it to anyone.

[Johnny16]

I was just wondering how old are you?

 

Sure it's none of my business but I was just curious.

 

But major applause goes out to you. There arnt many people out there like you. But I honestly would do the same thing, knowing that it wasnt her fault at all; and that thats probably the last thing she would have thought of her ex having you know? I feel sorry for her. But I think she needed someone like you, and now shes found it.

 

Stick with her; I can see you's going far.

 

Im very happy that you stood by her side.

 

You, are a real man.

[Mikie]

I don't sleep with anyone right away, and as I've said.. we're not even dating yet.. but we do like each other and are taking this slow. We are both coming off somewhat long-term break ups. In any case, I'll keep this post bumped from time to time to keep others in similar situations updated.

 

We haven't decided to sleep with each other, we haven't even kissed. She warned me what she has, and I choose to go on, as I would any other woman, to get to know her...

 

Thank you for all the advise, from both sides.

[Johnny16]

Bravo.

[Mikie]

wow.. a year later.. I'm sorry I didn't keep up on this thread as I initally anticipated. I'm going to have to take some time and write up what has happened.

 

But I will say this:

-It was a LDR

-We are no longer together

-We have not spoken in a couple months.

-We used condoms

-I got tested in March, 3 months after my last sexual encounter with her in Mid December

-Turns out I was tested for everything BUT herpes

-To this day, I have never shown signs of herpes. Nothing.

 

Don't think I would do it again. But I'm not 100% sure. I would have to fall in love. Again.

 

... and I don't plan on doing that for a long time