recent break up...

[moveONorStay]

Hi there,

 

I broke up with my now ex gf after a 6 month relationship. Things had been going along very well with us, we hit it off from the moment we met, had a very very hot sex life and more often than not had a lot of fun together. I am in my late 20's and this girl is in her early 30's.

 

Things started to change when I noticed that there seemed to be some control and security issues...about 2 months into the relationship she told me that she must be able to look at my phone when she wants, emails, texts etc. Now there had been some contact with an ex from a few months before who was just seeing how I was getting on (we split up with her because I was moving to another country). The girl that I was seeing didn't like this and gave me the ultimatum that if I didn't end contact that the relationship would be over...so in wanting to have a successful relationship, I called the girl in the other country and told her we could no longer be friends...she was very upset but accepted it. I felt awful about being cruel but did it out of respect for the girl I was seeing.

 

About a month ago, I woke up to finding my ex perched up in the bed sitting going through my phone...when I asked her what she was doing, she said she was just looking at me 'apps'...When I got the phone back, I looked at the recently opened apps to find that she had been through my email, texts, twitter, facebook, skype and recent call list. I called her out on it and she said that if I had nothing to hide then I should have no issue letting her look at my phone. I on the other hand felt completely violated and that my privacy had been invaded...we had quite a big argument and I left shortly afterwards. We then had a 'break' which lasted about 4 days before getting back together. When we got back it was like nothing had ever happened and everything was going great again.

 

Fast forward another 3 weeks, One of my friends (someone who has been of great support to me and my career) from home had asked me to do her a favor for part of her business that she is trying to expand into the country that I'm living in...(I had previously had a 1 night fling with her, but nothing more) The girl I was dating knew about it because I had received a few emails from this woman and I was asked if I had slept with her...I admitted I had and then the gf told me that she wasn't keen on me helping my friend...again I obliged that I wouldn't do anything she wouldn't be happy with, so I called the other woman, told her I couldn't help because I was dating someone who wasn't comfortable with it...she said, no problem, good luck with the relationship...the mature response I expected.

 

I then tell the gf that I had told the other woman that I couldn't help because she didn't feel comfortable...I got a completely unexpected reaction...the gf flew off the handle, started shouting at me that I had made her out to be a crazy b*tch! Things settle down and a few hours later we are in the car going for dinner, ex asks for my phone, I gave her it then a couple of minutes later she presented the phone back to me...she had written an email to my friend, from my email account saying that I actually didnt want to work for her because of our previous encounter and that it had nothing to do with my gf at all...I told the gf I wasn't prepared to send that email and she went nuts again, saying that if I wanted to be with her I had to send it...I said no and she got out the car and started to walk down the sidewalk...eventually I got her back in the car...when she got in, we talked for a minute, the email was still open on the phone's screen and in my hand...she then reached over and hit the send button!!...I was shocked.

 

For the next few days I felt so embarrassed that I couldn't even talk to my friend to explain the situation, I played the situation through my head for days thinking that I was now in an out of control relationship and that this girl I was dating was manipulating me to ruin friendships of people I value. It was almost like she wanted to see how far she could push me.

 

A few days later, I went to see the gf, sat her down in a local park and told her that I couldn't put up with her controlling behavior and that I was breaking up with her. When I tried to talk to her about the reasons why, she got up and started walking away, similar to the situation in the car a few days earlier, pretty childish I thought. I got in my car and left.

 

Having a bit of regret about breaking up over what went on over the past few weeks, I decided to call her a couple of days after the break up, I sent a couple of nice texts just saying that I hoped everything was well...she ignored everything...then about a week later, she called me and said that we were completely finished and that she never wants to talk to me again...I could see that this was more controlling behavior and her way of taking command of the break up. I told her that I cared about her and that if she was willing to try to figure things out and get what was a great relationship outside of the phone issue, I would be willing to try to work things out. She said no, and that there was no going back and no way of any friendship.

 

I thought that it was quite wasteful, that 2 people who otherwise got on excellently and had great potential could let things fizzle out in that way. I thought that by giving her a week to think about her behavior, that she would be able to see that she was wrong and want to work things out...I was wrong...she is even more stubborn about it, says that it's me who is wrong and that I need to live with the decision of breaking up with her!

 

The sad thing is, I still care about her, in fact I still love her, even for this destructive behavior, I think that we can get back on track and have a great future together if she work on her controlling behavior and security issues.

 

After not hearing from her for over a week, I tried to call her again today...she text me a few minutes later me asking what I want to talk about...I told her that I just wanted to chat about things, about us and she said that "there's nothing to talk about"

 

My question is, why did she break the no contact if she doesn't want to talk? Is she playing games? Surely if she didn't want to talk any more, she would either ignore me and maintain no contact, or just say stop contacting?

 

I'm very confused by all of this and would appreciate some of the wise opinions on the board. For the record...I want to try to reconcile...all of my friends are telling me that I must be crazy...am I?!

 

Thanks

[Pogona]

Yes, you are crazy for wanting to reconcile. You should run away and never look back.

 

I understand that you care about this girl. That's very noble of you. The type of girl you are talking about here though...she may seem stable at times, but eventually she WILL ruin your ****ing life.

 

what was a great relationship outside of the phone issue

 

Yeah except the phone thing is a HUGE issue. And trust me when I tell you that this is just the tip of the iceberg. The behavior you're describing (and the fact that she obviously thinks it is totally justified) is indicative of MASSIVE insecurity issues. She's constantly terrified you're going to get away from her, hence the attempt at control.

 

I want to make this point with emphasis: THIS GIRL CANNOT TRULY LOVE YOU. Not in this state. She will tell you she does, she may even believe that she does. But she can't love someone else until she learns to love herself. She needs to start at liking herself, at least a little bit.

 

And if you stay with her, eventually she will do something terrible to you, and not really even feel guilty about it. When you're crushed and heartbroken, it will be some sort of sick validation that someone really cared about her. But she might still move on to someone new, just to feel that thrill of being fawned over by a new guy.

 

So run bro. It's only a matter of time before she rips your heart out and ****s in the hole she left in your chest.

[moveONorStay]

Interesting comments...thanks for your thoughts.

 

Funny that you say she has massive insecurity issues...this girl is extremely attractive and gets a lot of male attention when she is out and about. Perhaps a previous relationship or some event in the past has caused her to behave this way...damaged property now??

 

My friends are all giving me the same advice, to run...maybe that's best for me...the current no contact, then contact, then not wanting to talk seem like game playing and very immature for someone of her age. It is certainly pushing me further away.

[robaday]

Take it from someone who has just got out of this. Its not worth it. If they cant see their behavior is not normal then there is absolutely nothing you can do.

 

Essentially, I loved the one I was with. But after awhile, I couldnt deal with it. I broke down and am a shadow of the confident guy I was 4 years ago. You will never be enough for her. No amount of love will ever be enough for her.

 

It is toxic for people like this to go into relationships expecting the other person to fix their issues. I tried, it didnt work. dont make my mistake.

[moveONorStay]

Thanks to both of your for your comments...

 

Bit of an update this morning, she called me and said that I shouldn't have broken up with her and then went on to give a list of reasons why we shouldn't get back together...the bizarre part of it is that it sounded like she was describing herself when she was listing my apparent faults. Completely deflecting any blame and making everything out to be my fault! I was nice to her during the call, upheld my dignity, while she was bitter and trying to remain in control.

 

All I can say is, I can see plenty more drama in this girl's life in the coming years, fortunately I won't be the one to deal with it.

[moveONorStay]

Anyone have anything to say about this recent development? Left me very confused!

 

As in why she would be nasty to me on the phone when I was being nice? At the end of the call she told me that she didn't want to break up and that it was on me for making that decision...then told me she never wants to see or hear from me again...The conversation lasted over 30 minutes and was the most I'd been in contact for over 2 weeks.

 

Should I give this one some NC and wait for her to get her head straight or should I completely move on? I've been clearing out and have found her belongings amongst mine, like clothing, perfume etc...should I toss this, attempt to give it back?

 

Advice welcome!

Edited October 2, 2012 by moveONorStay

[yuppup]

She may feel an ounce of guilt and is doing exactly what you described; she's projecting all of her own faults and placing the blame on you.

Just run. Please. Do yourself the favor and RUN. Cut her off and move on. I don't even believe people married for 20 years should be that far up each other's bums.

 

Just as robaday said, anything you do will never be good enough for her. And that will slowly break you down and eat away at your self-esteem. I'm getting out of something like that. Reflecting back on who I was prior to this relationship, I'm someone totally different, and not in a good way. I have so much healing to do, and I wish I could have screamed at my earlier self to just run when I could have. Since I can't, I'll scream it at you. RUN!

[LostOne1]

Anyone have anything to say about this recent development? Left me very confused!

 

As in why she would be nasty to me on the phone when I was being nice? At the end of the call she told me that she didn't want to break up and that it was on me for making that decision...then told me she never wants to see or hear from me again...The conversation lasted over 30 minutes and was the most I'd been in contact for over 2 weeks.

 

Should I give this one some NC and wait for her to get her head straight or should I completely move on? I've been clearing out and have found her belongings amongst mine, like clothing, perfume etc...should I toss this, attempt to give it back?

 

Advice welcome!

I hate to say it but move on man. She seems like so much baggage and drama.. I hate that kinda stuff myself and to be constantly stressed.

 

If it was me I'd move on, because it just doesn't seem worth it to deal with.

 

Maybe give her some time and see if she realizes her mistakes. Otherwise move along.

[Calico]

In summary: You cannot have a successful relationship with someone who doesn't trust you. Nor do you want one.

[moveONorStay]

Thanks for the opinions on this...obviously this break up is very fresh...I still have some of her belongings at my place...should I just toss them since she said she no longer wants any form of contact? Or, should I give her some time and perhaps send her a message in a month or so?

 

I am just a little messed up about the situation, I still truly care about her and am shocked that someone can be so bitter to someone that cares about them...I just don't understand that. She has several friends in extremely disfunctional relationships that made ours seem perfect...If she is getting advice from them, I dread to think what she is being told.

 

I don't know how someone can say, they didn't want a break up, but they never want to see you again in almost the same sentence?! Can anyone decipher that mixed message?

 

Again, everyones thoughts greatly appreciated.

[moveONorStay]

Having spoken to a good friend about this and then doing a bit of research that it seems there is a good chance that this girl is suffering from a borderline personality disorder...

 

Any thoughts on that?

 

Anyone ever been in this type of relationship?

[Simon Phoenix]

My response is the same as it has been in the 10 other threads you've started on this chick -- move on, run, stop pursuing this.

[NavyAirTraffic]

Read the link in my signature.