SineNomen Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I'm a 26 year old guy, she's also 26. About a 18 months ago I met her on a dating site. We went on one date, she was alright nice enough to hang out with but not my type. There was no physical contact at all. Back then, she didn't seem too fussed that we didn't meet up again and contact kind of fizzled out but we kept on talking via facebook from time to time, in a friendly manner. I kept talking to her online but it was only chatting and nothing sexual/flirty. Especially given most of the time I haven't been single or talking to her about dates I've been going on with other people! It's obvious she likes me but I've never done anything to lead her on and make her think I'm interested in that way. I broke up with my last girlfriend 2 weeks ago. During the break up and while the relationship was going downhill I ended up talking to her quite a lot about it. She actually helped me feel better about things. On sunday, she asked if I wanted to go for a drink to talk through stuff. So we went for some drinks. Again, she was flirty and obviously liked me but there was no physical contact during the evening and was light hearted and friendly. When I left she hugged me but I didn't really think too much to that. ...but since then she's suddenly become incredibly clingy! Messaging me constantly, worrying when I don't respond quickly. Earlier this evening I was making dinner so didn't respond to my facebook for about 45 mins. She text me and messaged me on there something like "sorry I didn't mean to offend you! SORRY!" When she was talking about my now ex girlfriend she said things like "You need a girl who will treat you better" I guess in her head she's that girl. Clearly, she likes me and wants more than I do. What the hell? I'll admit in the past I've made the mistake of kissing someone I'm not really interested in and then having to try to get her to realise I'm not. I've been very careful this time to keep her at arms length and not lead her on at all. What is the best thing to do here? In an ideal world I'd like to be friends with her but she's making that seem increasingly less viable. *sigh* How can I tell her I'm not interested without hurting her feelings too much?
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 You say something like this, " Becky, I really think your a cool woman. I really like *insert something you do like about her here not relating to her looks*. But I don't think we are ultimately compatible and I would like if we could be friends."
CptObvious Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 You should at least sleep with her first. Who knows, maybe you'll like the way she feels? Never turn down a free sample bro. 1
SJC2008 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 You say something like this, " Becky, I really think your a cool woman. I really like *insert something you do like about her here not relating to her looks*. But I don't think we are ultimately compatible and I would like if we could be friends." Sounds like a rejection letter from a lawyer lol!
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 You should at least sleep with her first. Who knows, maybe you'll like the way she feels? Never turn down a free sample bro. OP, PLEASE don't do this. 2
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Sounds like a rejection letter from a lawyer lol! Lol. I've been told I would have made a good lawyer so your comment made me laugh. He doesn't need to sound so official. My response was a little generic. BUT when you can tell someone something about them you like but how you two aren't compatible, it's a good thing. They know that it's not really them but just not going to work out because you are looking for something different. It softens the blow.
jobaba Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 What is the best thing to do here? In an ideal world I'd like to be friends with her but she's making that seem increasingly less viable. *sigh* How can I tell her I'm not interested without hurting her feelings too much? There's not much you can do except not lead her on. The rest will impinge on her ability to come to grips and just get over it and move on. But if you are really interested in sparing her feelings, here is what NOT to do... 1) Initiate contact with her 2) Agree to meet up in any way or form 3) Post humorous or mushy stuff in texts to her 4) Imply that you are not looking for anybody 5) Post all kinds of crap on your Facebook page of you cavorting with other women I am an expert at being the rejectee and you do not want to lead that person on in any way, because any opening or crack will be interpreted as "He might be interested." If you really want to let her down easy, for the most part, completely ignore her. It seems mean but in reality, it's the nicest thing you can do. It will shorten considerably the time it takes for her to get over you. Again ... I know. I'm a guy by the way.
utterer of lies Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 You say something like this, " Becky, I really think your a cool woman. I really like *insert something you do like about her here not relating to her looks*. But I don't think we are ultimately compatible and I would like if we could be friends." OP, PLEASE don't do this. 1
Malia25 Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 ]If you really want to let her down easy, for the most part, completely ignore her. It seems mean but in reality, it's the nicest thing you can do. Worst advice EVAH. Don't do this. You will only hurt her more AND she will continue to think of you constantly.....which you don't want. It's also cruel and immature. Just straight up tell her how you feel, which is that you only see her as a friend and nothing more. She is a big girl. She can take it. 3
darkmoon Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 (edited) "I am not looking for a relationship" you say, and then fade the messages out never mind her contacting you alot insisting, be slow to respond, leave any messages unanswered for three days then four, then five and so on, she will b jealous of any girlfriends u have so u need to watch for that Edited September 26, 2012 by darkmoon
LittlePrince Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Heterosexuals of the opposite sexes can't be friends. You lead her on by keeping in touch. The only way to get yourself out of this mess now is to put her out of her misery. Tell her you are not interested in anything romantic or sexual and cut/block all means of communication.
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 You lead her on when you kept talking to her after you knew that she was interested in more. Your non-interest was never clarified. Then you used her as kind of an emotional tampon to soak up the demise of your last relationship. She saw it as you two getting closer. You never actually spelled it out to her because you wanted to keep having her listen to your problems...No sympathies here. You HAVE led her on and you know it. G'luck 3
Million.to.1 Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I agree that you have led by using her to emote about your past relationship. She was looking for an in, and you gave her one. You need to tell her, straight-up, that you are not interested in anything but friendship with her. unfortunately, you probably will hurt her feelings, but this is inevitable with any form of rejection. sometimes you just have to be the bad guy.
LittlePrince Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 You lead her on when you kept talking to her after you knew that she was interested in more. Your non-interest was never clarified. Then you used her as kind of an emotional tampon to soak up the demise of your last relationship. She saw it as you two getting closer. You never actually spelled it out to her because you wanted to keep having her listen to your problems...No sympathies here. You HAVE led her on and you know it. G'luck Women are very practiced in this art so you should listen to her.
Anela Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 You should at least sleep with her first. Who knows, maybe you'll like the way she feels? Never turn down a free sample bro. You should apologize to her for using her.
LittlePrince Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 You should apologize to her for using her. Yeah as soon as every woman does the same.
jobaba Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 (edited) Worst advice EVAH. Don't do this. You will only hurt her more AND she will continue to think of you constantly.....which you don't want. It's also cruel and immature. Just straight up tell her how you feel, which is that you only see her as a friend and nothing more. She is a big girl. She can take it. No, it won't. I guarantee I have faced WAY more rejection and way worse than you. Your suggestion is good too, and i thought about suggesting that too, but how can he tell her how he feels unless she asks? Chances are, she will continue to hang and cling on as a friend, not bringing up the romantic side, and continuing to dig herself a deeper hole. Been there. Believe me, I'm a pro at being rejected honey... Edited September 26, 2012 by jobaba
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 OP, PLEASE don't do this. Why not do that? I've done it and it's worked out really well.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Yeah as soon as every woman does the same. I'm sorry I used you. 1
CarrieT Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Heterosexuals of the opposite sexes can't be friends. Well that is just wrong and a topic for another thread (and we have many), but OP - listen to Eternal Sunshine. As a woman, we want to know the truth - not this trickle down bullsh*t of ignoring because then we wonder what we did wrong. Please be up front and honest with her that you just aren't interested in her "in that way" and it is best if you cease contact since she has more invested than you do.
KathyM Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 You already led her on by continuing to talk to her on FB, by phone, and meeting up with her again. You are giving her mixed messages, and the idea that she has a chance to develop something with you, since you are still in contact with her and confiding in her. It's time to clear the air, and tell her that you may have given her the wrong impression that you were interested in a dating relationship. Tell her you don't have those kinds of feelings for her, but that you appreciate the emotional support she's given you, and that maybe it's best to cut off contact, since you don't want to lead her on in any way. Then let it go. It's not going to work to try to have her as a friend when she wants it to be more than that.
Dreamless Sleep Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 You lead her on when you kept talking to her after you knew that she was interested in more. Your non-interest was never clarified. Then you used her as kind of an emotional tampon to soak up the demise of your last relationship. She saw it as you two getting closer. You never actually spelled it out to her because you wanted to keep having her listen to your problems...No sympathies here. You HAVE led her on and you know it. G'luck Really? What's with the venom? So what you're saying, like Little Prince stated, men and women can't be friends. Thank you Harry met Sally. Sounds like she was presumptuous and he never was anything more than a friend.
Pyro Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Really? What's with the venom? So what you're saying, like Little Prince stated, men and women can't be friends. Thank you Harry met Sally. Sounds like she was presumptuous and he never was anything more than a friend. Men and women can be friends, but since the OP has never vocalized it to her she is going to remain interested being that he went on a date (maybe more than one) with her and then consoled in her after his break-up. Some people will take that as being interested. 1
crosswordfiend Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Please be up front and honest with her that you just aren't interested in her "in that way" and it is best if you cease contact since she has more invested than you do. This would be the mature approach. However, an argument could be made to act in a way that is easiest for the other party to relate to. Since most women, when faced with an identical situation will opt to fade out and become non-responsive, hoping the guy will take a hint, why not try this? If she is at all empathetic, she will realize that this is what is happening.
Recommended Posts