StartingOver4 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Hello everyone. I'm hoping some of you might share your experiences with me. I am 32 and was with my husband for 14 years (married 8). We have two children (6 and 3). The kids and I moved out almost 3 weeks ago. I had been unhappy for close to 2 years, had begged my husband to go to counseling, told him how unhappy I was, but it didn't get any better. I've come to realize that we were a poor match from the start. I'm not his type physically, and he's never let me forget it. He's also a very glass-half-empty person, whereas I'm a lot more optimistic. But while I feel like it was the right decision, I'm having a really hard time. I'm grieving the loss of what we used to have. I was younger, and I guess I felt that love conquers all. I worry about supporting myself and the kids. I worry about being alone forever. My husband blames me for everything, and so is barely civil to me when dropping off/picking up the kids. I am overwhelmed with sadness. I used to be so happy. I cry at some point every day now. I made this move to better my life, but I seem to have just traded one set of problems for another. When does it get better? What can I expect next? Anyone go from feeling horrible after separating to actually smiling again someday? I didn't expect it to be this hard. I feel like a fool for being so poorly prepared.
riverratt Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 First, you have to think of you. It will be tough for awhile. If he is nasty to you, blow it off and realize that you don't deserve that treatment. Let it make you angry if it should. Don't feed into it and make a fight out of it just blow it off. Keep your optimism. Your glass is half full now but it will fill the rest of the way up someday. I don't know think a person can be prepared for something like this.
riverratt Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I am involved currently in what has been a LOOOONG separation. One thing I can say about a separation is that it really can put things into perspective. When people do knee-jerk things like run out and file for divorce, I think it casts a very negative light on the situation. When my wife and kids moved out, I initially wanted to file, but something told me not to do it, even though at the time, I thought my marriage was definitely over. I just figured it would make a bad situation worse, and to be honest, I was not convinced that I wanted a divorce. Since then, I have come completely full circle on the relationship and our prospects for the future. Its been a long, convoluted and circuitous journey, obviously far from over, but it did eventually lead me to some fundamental truths about how I really feel about my wife. I'm not saying that's what will happen for you, but you might be surprised at how things turn out if you just ride the storm out. Maybe it will take awhile, but at the end, the decision you make will be the right one, and you will make it with no doubts. Time to reflect is critical, and rather than reflecting on your husband's shortcomings, take some time to look at yourself. Look at yourself in terms of how you can become a better person...not for a guy, but for you. Make changes in your life that lead you in a positive direction. Watch your husband....maybe he will do the same things. Be patient. Things will get worse before they get better either way, but don't place a final verdict just on the bad things. Let the process play out. You will probably be very surprised with how things turn out. Did your wife tell you she was done when she left?
Author StartingOver4 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 Thank you, riverratt. I have a tendency to be very hard on myself. It's hard to know what's "normal" in a situation like this.
riverratt Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Thank you, riverratt. I have a tendency to be very hard on myself. It's hard to know what's "normal" in a situation like this. You have to combine this with everyday living..in a way. If he is nasty to you for no reason. It should not be accepted whether it is in a situation like this or not. My ex was pretty ugly to me and I didn't do anything to deserve it. Example, Why say something to me about our sons school lunch menu in an ugly tone. It seems that anything I say is twisted back on me. Or she goes out of her way to make it seem I mean something else. Talking about the school menu, I said something like "he doesn't like what they are having?". She went to saying I was saying that I felt like she was making him eat that stuff instead of getting things at the grocery he would like to take instead of eating there. It isn't just my perception of what she is saying either. She has made remarks like that in front of other people and they where as confused as I was about what just happened. It is like I am getting blamed for making her decide to leave. She is still angry at me to this day but says she is very happy now.??
riverratt Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Oh, and being hard on yourself is natural in this stuff. I was really bad for awhile. I am a person that is hard on myself anyway and this made it worse. I will be the first to admit I made a mistake. Always have been like that. That is a good thing trait though. That means you will see what you need to do to "fix" yourself. Just remember to forgive yourself and it will be all good.
Author StartingOver4 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 Thank you, Barnacle-Bob. I guess the reason I focus on my husband's faults, and the reasons I left, is because I've had a couple of wild moments when I've felt like fleeing back, just to relieve the pain and uncertainty I'm in now. I equate it to cutting off my own arm, as opposed to death by a thousand cuts. The first scenario comes with intense, unbearable pain, but I eventually heal.
Ami1uwant Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I think there is something more in this as to what was happening and the communication broke down. Why were you unhappy...what did he not do?
Author StartingOver4 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 Riverratt, I know what you mean. My husband's FAVORITE thing to do seems to be coming into my home, pointing out things that need to be fixed (which he would normally have fixed), and leaving. I feel like he takes pleasure in thinking I'm helpless. But I'm slowly but surely learning the DIY ropes.
Author StartingOver4 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 Ami1uwant - yes, there always is, isn't there? My husband and I tried to open a business, were fought in court and never opened, declared bankruptcy, rented out our home, and moved in with a relative. We've been in a cramped apartment with 5 people and 2 dogs for the past 2 years. We grew together through most of it, but after the move we started to grow apart. I need to know how much of my unhappiness was the situation, and how much was him. I'm attempting to do that with this move. But I will say, I've come to realize that his inability to accept me despite a few extra pounds (like, 15 or so) is proving to be a dealbreaker. I bought into it for so long, but have come to realize that I deserve a man who adores me inside and out.
riverratt Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 but have come to realize that I deserve a man who adores me inside and out. Yes you do. We all do. My husband's FAVORITE thing to do seems to be coming into my home, pointing out things that need to be fixed (which he would normally have fixed), He is just being an ass..This will actually make you stronger and better off in the long run...REMEMBER that. He is helping you get along without him, he is too stupid to see it.
Author StartingOver4 Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Thanks, riverratt! You're probably right.
riverratt Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 @ Starting over - I'm in a similar situation to yours. My husband & I separated this summer. I was the one finally put a stop to our negative cycle of misery (i.e. I left). In my case my husband claimed he didn't want a divorce, but at the same time he refused any kind of help to improve our relationship. Status quo with extreme disrespect in front of our young teenage son and putting a face on his violent outburst and nasty behaviour wasn't cutting it anymore. I put a lot of time and effort into creating a beautiful, calm space for myself and my son. I even invited my (ex) husband over for a meal (he did me a favour) but sent him packing when he started to criticise my new home. Civil interaction but with *my* rules now. I see him around on occasion, with a patronizing smirk & nod, but I now realize thats his insecurity showing. I smile cheerfully and move on. Some people are negative and will be forever. You can't let them get you down either. Bob's post is interesting to me. My wife left because of things I did but they weren't bad. Life gets in the way and people don't nurture a relationship. She says she is done with no regrets after only being out of the house for few weeks. I didn't do bad things, just not enough good things. I see that. She said she closed up and didn't want to talk. We share responsibility. What is weird to me is that she told a lady, we both know, that when she is ready for another relationship that she hopes she can find another man like me. ??? How am I supposed to take that. I would be willing to try again, still. We can't file yet because of financial reasons. I feel like I want too so I can get closure. Part of me still doesn't want too. I am working on me and I am involved in finishing a remodeling project on the house. She has her own feelings and can have them. I can too. I am doing NC as much as possible. We do have a child and when we do talk it is fine. We have actually talked about us a few times and things were fine. As of the past few weeks. Her ugly tones haven't shown. She acted very mad for awhile after she left. I guess she was going through a wide range of emotions as I was but I didn't let them show to her.
Author StartingOver4 Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Hi sapientia. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. My husband also claims to not want a divorce, but won't go to counseling or really talk to me. He thinks it's all in my head. How are you feeling about things? I'm not doing well. I don't miss him, but I'm very depressed. Everything feels so overwhelming. I just want to be happy.
Author StartingOver4 Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 I'm glad you're doing well. It's been 3 weeks for me, and I'm a mess. There is comfort, though, in hitting rock-bottom. Nowhere to go but up...
riverratt Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I'm glad you're doing well. It's been 3 weeks for me, and I'm a mess. There is comfort, though, in hitting rock-bottom. Nowhere to go but up... Amen to that.
riverratt Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 But when I look back at how I treated this amazing woman who gave me three incredible kids, I just want to puke. Good. You realize that. Have you forgiven yourself?
Author StartingOver4 Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 Hi sapientia. No, I'm not working. I'm in school part-time and watch my 3-year-old. I have some savings that we're living on for now. Work probably would go a long way toward keeping my mind occupied. I've got a 3-year school plan, but am considering scrapping it all for some stability. I don't know.
riverratt Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Nope. Long way from being able to. You have to be able to do that. Forgiveness doesn't mean forget. It is doesn't mean that you condone what you did. It means that you except what you did and realize what it was. Don't try to get over it, learn to live with it. You MUST do this or you will never heal.
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