Dblock10 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Question for ya'll if an ex still contacts you, once in a while say once a month if that, do you just be honest with them and tell them you do like to hear from them, but you find it hard to be a mate now from what we once had etc maybe in the future we could have more conversations or hopefully get a chance to meet. but for now letting it go is prob most healthy option for me.. or do you just reply in kind and keep it short don't ask questions back keep it to that kind of level thereby not revealing your weakness and boosting any ego (if thats a consideration?) obviously i'm concerned with what contact can bring and what sort of reply i send back if i do reply would insinuate to my ex. im not happy that we are not together and that she moved abroad but that is done, so ive got to accept the gravity of the situation. also cant be naive and think she hasnt or isnt getting it on with people. so yeah, not an ideal situation. dont really want to completely ignore her.
Sameold Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Ultimately you do not want to be her friend. Takes the man option. Tell the girl you have feelings for her and whilst you appreciate the sentiment of getting in touch the conversations can lead nowhere that you ultimately want. I guarantee you that if you choose to reply with any kind of regularity you will be watching your phone/cpy like a hawk and waiting and worrying about whatever comes next. The girl is living in Australia with no fixed date of return so think how crazy it sounds. The longer you stay in touch with her (including fb stalking and monitoring) then you longer you will fail to move on...it has been over a year now dude if I remember and the BU has outlived the relationship. Just man up and say how you feel, you don't want this friendship. I'm sure it would make her think more if you said how you felt in a strong, assertive manner and then just left it. Surely you only really want to hear from her if it revolves a romantic motive.
Mike_d Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 how many more months are you going to live as a martyr?
Author Dblock10 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 heres the thing, i have accepted she doesn't want to be with me, although ive never really stopped thinking about her on some level, (not heart wrenching sick feelings obviously) i feel i have got to a better place than i was 6 weeks ago. i feel more numb about it all. sure i dont want her as a "friend" but i also accept the situation now for what it is. leaving me with thinking about just staying in lc now and again. only other option is nc and deleting but i dont hate her..
Mike_d Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 you're clearly having trouble with the concept - NC doesn't require you to hate her. you just seem to enjoy sitting in your stuck spot refusing to move on. you're the one refusing to be honest with yourself. last post ever on the issue with you
Author Dblock10 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 no but the message it sends out to someone is that you hate/dislike them i feel. i understand what your saying. i'll figure this out, got to be true to myself i think.
geegirl Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 no but the message it sends out to someone is that you hate/dislike them i feel. i understand what your saying. i'll figure this out, got to be true to myself i think. You're so concerned about what she thinks. She didn't give two hoots about what you thought or felt when she changed her life around, left you out of it and moved away. At some point, you have to put your well being first rather than be concerned about how your need to prioritize yourself affects them. You're projecting your feelings of needing to be liked on her. She probably doesn't even care.
Author Dblock10 Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 You're so concerned about what she thinks. She didn't give two hoots about what you thought or felt when she changed her life around, left you out of it and moved away. At some point, you have to put your well being first rather than be concerned about how your need to prioritize yourself affects them. You're projecting your feelings of needing to be liked on her. She probably doesn't even care. not really i'm concerned with how it makes me feel more than anything, i dont want to mug myself off, but also dont want to feel like the bad guy as she has no idea about what i feel. and sure she probably doesnt even care one bit! but i know as a person she likes to be liked by everyone. i feel dumb for even talking about this! its all in the past and there is nothing anymore, prob easiest to just be friendly to her. nothing more or less.
geegirl Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Sameold's said, "your BU has outlived the relationship." Very telling. While she is living life in another country, meeting new people, creating new experiences, enjoying emotional freedom, making new friends...here you are talking about wanting to be liked and ex wanting to be liked, etc., a year after the break-up.
Author Dblock10 Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Sameold's said, "your BU has outlived the relationship." Very telling. While she is living life in another country, meeting new people, creating new experiences, enjoying emotional freedom, making new friends...here you are talking about wanting to be liked and ex wanting to be liked, etc., a year after the break-up. Ha I know! So sad.. however I too have since done many things and met new friends and ill be having one of the most fun and rewarding years of my life coming up. it's a year later sure but we remained in contact ever since lol
geegirl Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 it's a year later sure but we remained in contact ever since lol Exactly. Try something different. Maybe in a year you'll have a different story to tell.
mvc Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 know exactly what your thinking. unfortunately if you do one thing you will wonder if you should have done the other. only way of finding out whats the best thing to do is try and see what happens. not really advice sorry
Author Dblock10 Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 true mvc. i decided im going to be civil and mature about it. im not going to dig for any information. i care she is well and if she is happy then thats that, i'll find my happiness to. i dont want to be disrespectful and cold blank her but im not going to be dumb and spill feelings or what not. i know she hasn't contacted me out of feelings or wanting me back its on a friendship level, and she probably cares enough to ask how i am, so thats it
Calico Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 i dont want to be disrespectful and cold blank her but im not going to be dumb and spill feelings or what not. i know she hasn't contacted me out of feelings or wanting me back its on a friendship level, and she probably cares enough to ask how i am, so thats it More projecting and more missing the point. You'll be over her when you don't worry about whether or not you are "disrespectful" and simply just are not disrespectful. The result is the same, the focus and mindset are entirely different. Differently put: Words, thoughts, intentions, plans, ideas, considerations, interpretations, explanations, justifications all mean squat by themselves. There's only one thing that matters and gives meaning to all of those: Action!. Everything else is self-deception and getting stuck. 1
geegirl Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I think DBlock has to learn the hard way, in that he has to repeat the pattern until he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired of being in the same position. The thing is, if you have revisited this every which way you possibly can, and the results that you have been achieving have been nothing but the same since your break-up, then maybe it's time to look at this from a different angle. Simple. If you NC and you heal completely, the notion of "disrespectful" will not be of any concern or thought. It is because you will be indifferent. If you don't give yourself the opportunity to heal and completely disconnect, these little trivialities will always derail you from moving forward. You're trying to sound indifferent in your posts, as in, if it's A then it's A, I can accept that but it's not the point. The point is that for a year, a time span that has outlived your relationship (thanks to Sameold), you're still picking and picking at nothing. She makes a dent in your life by not being in it. You make no dent in her life by not being in hers. You believe the way you think is the way she will feel. Stop projecting. She will go on with her awesome life whether you're in it or not. At the end of the day, you're struggling with this because deep down inside you still have hope and you still want to have that door in some way cracked just enough if she ever wanted to walk back in.
flitzanu Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 heres the thing, i have accepted she doesn't want to be with me, although ive never really stopped thinking about her on some level, (not heart wrenching sick feelings obviously) i feel i have got to a better place than i was 6 weeks ago. i feel more numb about it all. sure i dont want her as a "friend" but i also accept the situation now for what it is. leaving me with thinking about just staying in lc now and again. only other option is nc and deleting but i dont hate her.. you don't feel "numb about it all" because you're typing outloud that you feel numb about it. you DON'T NEED TO TALK TO THIS PERSON AND YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO FEEL ANY BETTER UNTIL YOU ERASE HER COMPLETELY.
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