11 year relationship over, how do i move on?

[Axolotls]

My wife and i have been together for 11 years, we married young (she's 28 now and i'm 30), we did everything together and traveled a lot. We've had problems like most couples do but have always worked through it and learnt from our mistakes.

She left me 2 months ago and moved in with her parents, basically she recently bought a horse and at the time between her job and her horse commitments i didn't see her for 2 weeks, she'd be gone before 7am before i wake up and she'd come home after 9pm, have a shower, tell me she's tired and she'd get in bed and fall asleep, she left because i told her i wasn't happy with the situation and asked her to spend more time together. She didn't like it, said she was going for a walk to think then stayed at a friends house (admittedly i did tell her to move there for good if she thinks it's acceptable to run away from the problem like she always has) and collected her stuff the following week.

 

After that i was very confused, i didn't understand what was going on. She gave me the "i need space and time" speech, told me there is nobody else but she needs to find herself again.

I've had issues from my childhood and i don't take to being walked out on very well but i did my best to give her space. Two weeks later she said she was sorry and all this time she thought it was my fault and she was angry at me but she had realised that she was to blame, i still didn't understand but accepted it and asked her to move back in with me. She said she wouldn't move back in with me again but that we could start dating 2 or 3 times a week.

 

How do you start dating someone you've been with for 11 years?? I didn't like it but it was the only way she would allow me to see her, i tried really hard for a week but i just couldn't handle having to drop her off at her parents after the date, it killed me inside and she wouldn't stay over at mine, still saying she needs space and time.

I told her i couldn't do it anymore because it was hurting me too much and begged her to move back in with me (i've since realised i have what they call "codependency"), she said it's the only way she's prepared to move forward and if i wasn't comfortable then we shouldn't do it.

 

That was the last time i saw here, since then i've heard she's been going out every weekend with her friends (single and just come out of bad relationships) and surrounding herself with my friends (she likes attention and people feeling sorry for her) and she bought herself a car. I told her she's acting like she's moving on and i need to know if she still wants to be with me but she just said she's confused and needs space and she's only trying to keep herself busy.

 

She wouldn't see me after that and we had no contact for what feels like forever, i didn't want to put pressure on her but 2 nights ago she sent me a Facebook message of all things to tell me it's over and she can't see a future with me anymore. I don't know if it was only attention seeking, i feel i gave her space but that was the only thing she could say.

The next morning i begged her back and would change however she wants me to ( i know i can be a better person within myself, i guess we can). She said she might have decided too soon but needs more time to figure out what she wants.

 

This morning i asked to meet up with her but she said it's too soon to see me (it has been over a month!) and she needs space and time. I was losing my mind and wrote her a long e-mail just gushing out what she means to me and how i feel, i sent it and she hadn't even read it yet but confirmed with me that it is over via text. I feel so stupid now, i completely opened up to her and got shot down, no idea what is going to happen now!

 

Sorry about the long story but i feel i don't have anyone to talk to (no real friends or family here), I see myself as a strong man but my problem is i've been so anxious and lonely for the last 2 months, i sleep roughly 3 hours a night, i can't concentrate on anything, i feel physically sick all day, i've lost so much weight because i can't eat, i have no energy anymore to do anything, i lie in my bed all day thinking, i have no motivation anymore, i haven't been to work in 3 days, i'm completely lost and i fear things are about to get worse.

I've been to my GP and she prescribed something to sleep, they worked for 2 days but now have no effect, i don't drink or do drugs because i know it will make things worse in the long run. I have one session a week with a councillor and it has brought up my childhood but not made anything feel any better, i'm starting to lose hope that i will ever lose this pain, i don't know what to do!

 

Please help.

[KatZee]

I'm sorry but this isn't a relationship, this is a MARRIAGE.

 

Your WIFE is acting like this is some high school romance. It's not. She doesn't get to just walk out, move back in with her parents, and act like a sorority sister. She made a vow before God, and entered into a marriage with you.

 

She sounds like a child! She can't just run away from her problems and move out and refuse to see you. That's not fair to you, it keeps you in limbo. Is she planning to file for divorce? Is she planning on coming back?

 

She's all sorts of wrong in that she's saying you need to "date her" by seeing her 2-3 times a week and then dropping her off back at home?

 

SHE'S YOUR WIFE.

 

I'm sorry but you need to take your balls back from this person and demand she see you to discuss what's going on. She's either in this marriage and is willing to fix it (IE: individual counselling, or a marriage counselor) or she's out the door and you file for divorce.

[Mint Sauce]

Axolotls,

 

I fully agree with KatZee. Your wife is behaving in a very immature way. Perhaps she got married a little too young...

Unfortunately, this probably implies that the situation won't improve any time soon. As KatZee says, you can still respect the boundaries of the marriage by not having them abused by her. Be very firm.

 

The pain you experience is very recognizable for many people here (I myself lost 10kg over 2 months this summer, and suffered the same lack of sleep). Just take it day by day, it will subside.

 

Hang in there

[Mint Sauce]

ps: you may need to look for another counsellor. In this phase, you should be discussing the acute pain, the current situation. When the dust has settled, you can discuss deeper issues such as the co-dependency. But don't beat yourself up about that. Even if you brought some of your issues into the marriage, that does not give her the right to act as you describe.

[LuckyLady13]

Ax, I am so sorry to hear you're hurting like this. This situation is very unfair to you.

 

Have you ever heard about a person mentally checking out of a relationship before they actually move out? This is what she's done. She was already mentally moving on before she even left.

 

But I also agree with Kat - She is your wife and you need to take your balls back!

 

She sounds like a spoiled child and you haven't filed for divorce yet? While she's running around with your balls in one hand and your heart in the other?

 

She can't be married to you and be your wife and DATE YOU a few times a week at her convenience. That's not a marriage!

 

You and her are on two different pages in two different books. You're interested in being married, working out your problems and being in a relationship. She's interested in running around, acting confused (she's not) and playing games.

 

You need to hand her walking papers (file for divorce) if she wants to not be married to you anymore. Marriage isn't something to play games with and peoples hearts and lives aren't something to play games with either.

 

Don't wait for her to "come around" or get un-confused. You two are on different pages. You want a marriage and a relationship right now and that is one of your priorities but not hers. I know that has to hurt...knowing she isn't interested the way you are but you know what? There are women out there right now at this moment feeling exactly the way you do who want the relationship and take marriage seriously and there is someone out there on the same page as you are. You should be with that woman.

 

Also, you said you weren't seeing her very much and then she'd come home and crash out? I'm sorry but it sounds like there's another guy already and if there is, that's why it's so easy for her to walk away like this and play games and you are left there with your heart ripped out.

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

[paperboy48]

I agree with everone else, your wife is acting very immature. Is this an all of sudden situation? Did you see any signs of this happening?

 

As far as the pain is concerned....it is probably going to be the toughest thing you have and will ever encounter.

 

You should open up to friends, famly, even co-workers you are friends with. It does get better, I am on 9 months from a 16 year relationship. Around the fifth month I started the acceptance phase. You will have a new normal life without your wife, the pain will still be there but instead of feeling the pain from your head to your toes, you will only feel it to about halfway up your stomach.

 

Try to stay busy with people, hobbies, work...Do something you have always wanted to do.

 

Keep the faith.

[paperboy48]

I also agree that it sounds like there is someone else...I am sorry to say that.

 

After about five to six weeks of our seperation, my wife started seeing someone else...I knew she was by her going out to clubs, being all jazzed up on a Friday night when I picked up the kids. She of course told me she wasn't, around mid-summer she revaled to me she had been seeing someone since 5-6 weeks into our seperation.

[Axolotls]

Thank you so much for the quick replies, i'm taking it in and really appreciate all your advice.

 

Yes i agree, i think we did marry young, i was her first and only lover, boyfriend and husband. She has only ever been with me and i dread to think that this is the outcome of that but i can't turn back time, it's happened and i can only deal with the here and now.

 

She does act childish and immature and it has always been something i've struggled to live with but she has her faults and i have mine and I've tried to avoid making a big deal out of it in hope she "grows up" but this is a situation i wish she could just see how immature and selfish she is being and i've tried so hard in every possible way but i kept being pushed away and rejected.

 

I know she is taking advice from her friends and family, her new friends are poisoning her mind because they couldn't hold a 1-2 year relationship and they resent their ex's and think all men are bad, i've tried pointing it out to her to show her how it's effecting her "space and time" but i get attacked with "why can't you just be happy for me that i have new friends" Her family have all had multiple failed relationships and have always looked at us with some disgust at how happy we were for so long...well not anymore.

 

I was the one that saved her parents marriage when her mother told me she can't live with her husbands drinking anymore and she is going to leave him. I confronted him shook sense into, it wasn't nice but i felt i had to do something, he's now 2 years drink free and a much happier man. I wish he could do the same for me now.

 

Yes i think she is playing games and is possibly testing me to see how far she can push me before i give up...but i have given up now, she is stringing me along for long enough and i can't take it anymore.

 

She does have me by the balls and need to decide that this has gone on long enough, i can't go on this, would a separation be enough leading on to divorce if nothing improves?

 

I know she's my wife and we are in a marriage but believe me i've tried everything to get her to see that and she just can't, i don't want to give up on her but i'm at end of my rope and i just can't hang on anymore, it is just too painful to hang on anymore.

 

If there was another guy, it would make it easier for me but i don't think there is and at the end of the day i can't stop her but i would rather no and she keeps denying it.

I understand the mentally checking out thing, it makes sense now, we just got a joint loan cover for her £6000 debt and my £2000 debt and she left me just after that went through and now i'm stuck paying off her debt for the next 5 years, she had this all planned and can't believe she could be like that.

 

My head is such a mess right now.