Broke up with ex because she wasn't 100% in it. Is it on me?

[hellodearest]

Me and my ex have a long history, she has always been not 100 percent in the relationship, she hasn't ever felt like she's "in love" though she does love me. She says that sometimes a tinge will come on and it comes and goes, and the "in love" feeling is never constant.

 

I'm her first real relationship. She's been "in love" with someone before she met me, but he didn't want a relationship, and it's scarred her.

 

Despite this, we had a really great relationship for two years and I love her like crazy.

 

She was talking marriage and babies and how she couldn't picture her life without me. She has told her friends just the thought of me missing from her life chokes her up and gives her an anxiety attack.

 

A few days ago, we broke up. We had a small argument and I asked her "Are you completely happy?" and she said she was for the most part, but the doubt is still there and she still doesn't feel completely "in love" despite feeling stronger about me more than she ever has in the past.

 

I broke up with her because I said after two years, I needed her to be 100 percent in. She didn't want to break up, but agreed.

 

I'm wondering if I made a mistake.

 

Right after the relationship, I had the feeling she rejected me, which she did in a way, though not intentionally. I had the feeling that SHE was the dumper, and I was the dumpee, and I'm operating under NC rules where I expect her to come running to me and asking for me back if she believed in the relationship.

 

I guess the last few days I'm hoping that she would change her mind and decide I was the one afterall.

 

This morning, I had a strange revelation and realized that she didn't want to end the relationship at all, and she was still hoping for her love to grow. Did I act rashly? I want to marry this girl, and she still wants to date me, but she just isn't sure of her feelings yet.

 

I've realized NC might be stupid here because I'm the one who ended it because I didn't want someone who isn't 100 percent into me.

 

What should I do?

[okiedokie]

I think you did the right thing, unless that is, you want to spend your life with someone you are never quite certain if they are 100% invested in you and the relationship.

 

I know what you are feeling right now, I broke from my last ex b/c she started to pull away and after repeated attempts to get her to discuss and work on things and her refusing, I felt I had no other choice but to end things. In my situation, I definitely believe that I was the default dumper. Yes, I pulled the trigger and technically ended things but in reality it was her passive aggressive actions that proved to me that she was not an equal partner in the relationship. Your situation sounds similar in that you were willing to work on things and were 100% invested but for whatever reason, she was not and you felt forced to make this decision b/c of it.

 

Here's the thing, you can't make someone love you. If she is going to figure out that she messed up and you are the one for her then she is going to have to come to that realization on her own, seaparate from you. The only way that can happen is if you create space in her life where you used to be for her to miss you. If you are constantly there after the break then she doesn't have the opportunity to feel your loss to the fullest extent.

 

NC is best for you right now b/c you still have feelings for her. You can't be friends with someone when you are still in love with them. I say this all the time, but it's true, friendship only becomes possible when both people have healed from the relationships end, worked on themselves and no longer harbor romantic feelings for the other person. That generally takes a long time and that is why NC is best for you to regain your footing and heal yourself without her pressence in your life. In reality, you need to heal yourself and move forward with your life...even if you desire her to come back at some point, unless both of you have taken the time to work on yourselves and healed and can approach the relationship as if it were brand new, then the same old issues will still be there and you will find that the destructive patterns will be there as well and the relationship would only fail again. The key is to heal yourself, move on with your life and do not plan on her coming back. That way if she doesn't, you win b/c you have taken the time to heal and better yourself and can take the lessons learned into your next relationship(s) free from the baggage you will carry unless you address it...or.....if she does come back and you have taken the time to heal yourself you get to decide from a position of strength whether YOU want to let her back into your life...I'm betting if you have done the heavy lifting you will be looking to see if she has done the same and if she hasn't you will recognize this and pass.

 

I hope this makes sence...

Edited September 25, 2012 by okiedokie

[flitzanu]

if she was 100% into you, don't you think she would have tried to stop you or contacted you SINCE this breakup?

[hellodearest]

I suppose this is where I am conflicted. I know she isn't 100 percent in it, but, she has said that she's almost all there. She just has doubts in the back of her mind. She has said that in her head she knows that I am the best person for her, but she just wishes she could get her heart to agree with her head.

 

I told her to forgive me for not wanting to communicate with her again. She said she would try not to contact me. She knows it would hurt me.

 

So - I guess... we were building up a relationship to be closer and closer, I've been 100% into it since the beginning, and the last couple months were great and I thought she was all the way in as well. She's so honest with me, and was willing to confess that she wasn't all the way into the relationship even though she knew by confessing this, it would end things between us. She doesn't want things to end, but can't get rid of that nagging doubt either.

 

I know space apart is good, which I'll continue NC for at least the next week just so we can get our heads back on straight, and I'll re-evaluate later I guess.

 

I just don't know, this time, I'm the one who is the dumper. She is in a situation where she wishes it was different and still wants to continue dating. I'm just unsure of what would make things better?

[Mike_d]

"If a girl told me "im 95% into you" I'd be 100% out the door a minute later. "

[okiedokie]

there's nothing you can do...she either feels it or she doesn't. It's not like she's in training to be in love, she either is or she isn't. It's no more complicated than that. It's admirable that she is honest with you. She is giving you the chance to move on and find someone who will invest 100% in you.

[hellodearest]

Thank you. Okiedokie, that rings true to a part of me, but a part of me feels like some just take longer to grow into love. You're right though, but I wish you weren't.

 

I guess, my mentality now will just be to let her contact me if she wants? Or should I NC?

 

Here's another thing, me and my ex, and one of our mutual friends bought tickets to a show for friday night. The venue is a block from my house. I haven't decided if I should go.

 

On one hand, I'll be going by myself then, I've told our mutual friend to go with my ex. I'll definitely see them as well. It's a music show, so it should be loud, but in between sets I'll be drinking alone.

 

I don't want to *NOT* go though, because then I'll look like a coward for avoiding her.

 

What should I do?

[Mike_d]

you didn't make a mistake. NC and let her miss you, while you work on moving on and supporting yourself, and eventually getting to the spot where you can have someone in your life that is 100% into you

 

you shouldn't go with your ex no matter what, you are not anywhere near cowardly for being gently with yourself. right now 100% of your effort should be in supporting you, if the sole reason is to avoid looking the coward then you need to shake yourself and reexamine your motivations.

[okiedokie]

Thank you. Okiedokie, that rings true to a part of me, but a part of me feels like some just take longer to grow into love. You're right though, but I wish you weren't.

 

I guess, my mentality now will just be to let her contact me if she wants? Or should I NC?

 

Here's another thing, me and my ex, and one of our mutual friends bought tickets to a show for friday night. The venue is a block from my house. I haven't decided if I should go.

 

On one hand, I'll be going by myself then, I've told our mutual friend to go with my ex. I'll definitely see them as well. It's a music show, so it should be loud, but in between sets I'll be drinking alone.

 

I don't want to *NOT* go though, because then I'll look like a coward for avoiding her.

 

What should I do?

 

How long were you together? I would agree with you that it takes some people longer than others to grow into love however i think that is when they are just starting a relationship and getting to know one another. If you have been together for a while she should be fully invested.

 

As far as your upcoming concert, personally, unless it was a show I was truely looking foward to, I'd probably pass on the show given the situation. I really wouldn't care what her opinion was regarding my decision. She already knows.

[okiedokie]

sorry I just re-read your original post and saw that you were together for 2 years. She absolutely should know how she feels.

[hellodearest]

I was thinking the same thing since we had been together for two years. She has depression and is self proclaimed "emotionally crazy".

 

She moved across the country with me to stay in a relationship with me while I attended grad school.

 

There HAS been progression though.

 

We've broken up before. The last time we broke up was for the same reason, she wasn't 100 percent in it. This was 6 months ago and came out when she told me she didn't want to move in with me when my lease ran out. We got into an argument, and after pressing, that's when she admitted her feelings about the doubts in the relationship.

 

We were broken up for a month that time, and when she came back, she told me she made such a big mistake and she couldn't see her future without me in it. She was talking marriage and kids ever since we got back together.

 

This recent time we broke up, a small argument happened and when I asked if she was happy, that's when she admitted that the doubt has persisted, though she still can't see her future without me.

 

I don't know what to do with this girl!

 

Yeah, I think skipping the concert may be the smartest idea. I'll play it by ear when the day comes, but I still think that I would be so much cooler if I just went alone to see the show and didn't actively try to talk to her or anything.

[Mike_d]

I'll play it by ear when the day comes, but I still think that I would be so much cooler if I just went alone to see the show and didn't actively try to talk to her or anything.

 

ok mr cool.

 

let go of your ego for just a few minutes. in 6-9 months maybe you can be mr cool in front of her. now? its a recipe for emotional disaster. What is to be gained by being cool in front of her? how that that help *you* move on? seriously, drop the ego

[okiedokie]

She may be incapable of giving you what you want. My last ex was this way and I just had to accept that and move on. Walking away was the hardest and most painful thing I've ever had to do.

 

I don't know your ex' history, etc., but it sounds like she may be emotionally unavailable due to her depression, in which case you will never get what you want from her.

 

I also suggest you read up on "push-pull theory" to understand the balance of healthy relationships and the dynamics of unhealthy ones. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is heal yourself which means NC...not LC...but hard NC...you need to disappear and you will have to be committed to your healing if she comes back trying to engage you again. It will be hard but you can do it if you are committed to moving on.

[okiedokie]

I was thinking the same thing since we had been together for two years. She has depression and is self proclaimed "emotionally crazy".

 

one last point...when someone tells you they are this and that....PAY ATTENTION....People will very often tell you exactly what they will do or how they will act...it's called foreshadowing...it happened in my relationship and I ignored the red flags b/c I thought "not me", "doesn't apply"...wrong...painful lesson learned...

[flitzanu]

I suppose this is where I am conflicted. I know she isn't 100 percent in it, but, she has said that she's almost all there. She just has doubts in the back of her mind. She has said that in her head she knows that I am the best person for her, but she just wishes she could get her heart to agree with her head.

 

I told her to forgive me for not wanting to communicate with her again. She said she would try not to contact me. She knows it would hurt me.

 

So - I guess... we were building up a relationship to be closer and closer, I've been 100% into it since the beginning, and the last couple months were great and I thought she was all the way in as well. She's so honest with me, and was willing to confess that she wasn't all the way into the relationship even though she knew by confessing this, it would end things between us. She doesn't want things to end, but can't get rid of that nagging doubt either.

 

I know space apart is good, which I'll continue NC for at least the next week just so we can get our heads back on straight, and I'll re-evaluate later I guess.

 

I just don't know, this time, I'm the one who is the dumper. She is in a situation where she wishes it was different and still wants to continue dating. I'm just unsure of what would make things better?

 

so is it a good idea to marry a chick that's i dunno, 60% into you and 40% into someone else? shouldn't matter how much she's into you, you're ignoring the obvious that part of her IS NOT into you.

 

even if it's 98% into you, that's 2% not. you should want someone 100%.

[hellodearest]

First off I want to thank you for taking the time in replying to me. I feel like passing this time and talking about the situation is very therapeutic!!

 

Haha, unfortunately, being "emotionally crazy" is part of what drew me to her. I just thought if she could love me... everything else would be fine, I'm willing to deal with anything as long as she is committed to me.

 

I'm sorry you went through a similar situation, there's no preparing in life for a break up.

 

She may indeed be incapable of giving me what I want, but I was getting more and more of what I want as time has passed. I really thought we had a strong relationship before this came out. She had picked out baby names and we had even looked at wedding rings.

 

I think she was ready to settle down and be with me, but I think that may be it - I think she's kind of "settling" with her heart because in her head she knows I will always be the kindest/caring/spontaneous guy she will

date.

 

I want her, but I don't want her if she has doubts and is settling. I'm happy with every other aspect of our relationship, she is affectionate and caring and honest and good to me. And it we WERE getting closer...

 

I guess, I dont know, I'm not ready to move on, but I can't stay broken hearted either.

 

That's why I'm so confused, I'm sure I could call her and hang out with her. When I left after we broke up, she said "I will always love you, and you deserve better."

 

I just feel like maybe I broke it off too soon!

[okiedokie]

In time you will see that you ignored significant red flags and in fact let it drag out longer than you should have.. It's understandable-- you loved her and wanted things to work. Now you know the score and that she is not capable of giving you what you want. Let her go and wish her well. She has done you a huge favor by being honest with you. I know it doesn't feel this way now but you will see it this way eventually.