alexa137 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 why is my past ruining my future? my bf broke up with me because i dated a few guy he knows, but they were like 10 yrs ago, he cant let it go he says he cant keep thinking that every dude he sees i slept with! i said dont ask then! i dont ask him so i cant find a way to get him back, he gonna throw all this away, i thought he had deep feelings for me but i dont understand im so confused and i shouldnt be sorry for my past, i kinda knows how he feels but ive learned to let it go! he says he wont change no matter what i say its depressing! i told him the only thing he needs to worry about is that I want him to be my last thought he was the one thought he cared and was into me but now i wonder and ive spent alot of time with this guy more than any! i can go on but i dont know what to say or do to get him back! i was starting to love him, i was enjoying him alot etc.. you know but its the past! iugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LittlePrince Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Probably should have held off until you found the one.
SensitiveTJ Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Well, this is a complex situation. I think getting over the fact that our SO has dated and cared for other people is something we all overcome. Some of us do it better than others. I want to bring up two things. 1- Retroactive jealousy. There's a lot of talk about this on Loveshack, and rightfully so because it seems to be a very common problem. Your boyfriend is struggling because he imagines you being with these other people which he knows, and he is jealous. Pretty natural reaction. To some degree, we all want to imagine our partner is "just ours" and ours alone. Rarely the case, obviously. But the good news is, provided your BF is willing, that retroactive jealousy can be overcome. 2-One other consideration, is how your BF perceives your past relationship partners. Specifically, does he perceive them as superior or inferior partners, in comparison to himself? If the former, then he may be entering a depressed state because he feels like he can't match up. If the latter, he may lose respect for you as a girlfriend because you dated guys he doesn't think much of. It bring you down, in his eyes, to associate with these people who are "lesser" than he is. I know, because I've broken up for girls for exactly that reason. I think this situation is harder to deal with. There are a lot of other questions you could ask yourself, too. Are these past relationships still present in your life? Do you or your boyfriend see them regularly? If so, that's a problem. No one likes to be reminded of the last person to touch their partner before them. I don't blame anyone for that. I would recommend doing whatever you can to truly put these past relationships away, out of sight and mind. It sucks being reminded of the guy before you-who wants that?
Author alexa137 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 i dont what it is but he wont change his mind, he says dudes think differently! well only him because ive never had to deal with this withno other dudes keep in mind though ive only had 2 other boyfriends in my adult lifetime(24 yrs) and he probably has the been the best etc out of all the men in those years he cant get it out of his mind he wont talk to me all day! he cant go on with me, and says he had to move on i cant change his mind, i guess i shouldve lied about who i dated cant help it it was someone he knew, ive lived in the same town for all my life so yes ive dated and know alot of men here i cant change his mind i dont know what to do!
SensitiveTJ Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 There's really nothing for you to do, other than be supportive and make it clear that he is the one you want and care about. Beyond that, the jealousy is something that he must overcome, if he is committed to making things work between the two of you. How did this problem come about? I'm just curious. You say you live in a small town. Are both of you natives?
Quiet Storm Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 If he told you he can never get over it, believe him. Respect his feelings and move on.
Author alexa137 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 im shocked and devastated! i just texted him and said i would leave him alone and hope he will reconsider we met actually on a social/dating site called t agged! its weird because he has lived here since 1998 and he was friends with my ex best friend but we never met before! he looked familiar though and now that i know more about his life he ive seen him before. we talked a little awhile ago but he said he is saving himself from whatever against me he doesnt judge me but it will be in his mind forever and i thought this was the guy i might marry! i didnt want to date anymore ive said any and everything i can to make him not leave me! its not working!
ascendotum Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 im shocked and devastated! i just texted him and said i would leave him alone and hope he will reconsider we met actually on a social/dating site called t agged! its weird because he has lived here since 1998 and he was friends with my ex best friend but we never met before! he looked familiar though and now that i know more about his life he ive seen him before. we talked a little awhile ago but he said he is saving himself from whatever against me he doesnt judge me but it will be in his mind forever and i thought this was the guy i might marry! i didnt want to date anymore ive said any and everything i can to make him not leave me! its not working! Its a shame this 'i thought this was the guy i might marry!' guy likely is not going to be the one. Look, if you break up he could easily really miss you and want to get back together. I don't know if that would be a great idea unless you can get assurances he has dealt with it and is over it, and is not just suppressing his retroactive jealousy...for the time being because he misses the sex, and ends up sabotaging the relationship again in 6 mths time when he bumps into one of these guys or in the lead up to a wedding. It is a guy thing, getting hung up over knowing some of your friends, especially any sleazebag/playa ones, were sexing you up before you. One is too much for some, but when you said 'a few guys he knows', then quite a few guys will have a hang up over that. The vast majority of guys wont get all worked up over unknown guys you will have had as lovers/bfs in the past, but when its friends or playa mates its a different story. Sorry. You have not done anything wrong or can really do much more to get him back beyond stating how much you adore him the best, and give him some space to miss you.
Author alexa137 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 it was 3 guys in the area, which i dont think is alot at all! i am almost 42 yrs old! i never knew a guy to be jealous or have this issue about the past, and ive dated and tallked to alot of men and even talked to one today and 3 of my girlfriends and they think its crazy to be hung up on the past especially 10-15 yrs ago!
morichu Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 If the latter, he may lose respect for you as a girlfriend because you dated guys he doesn't think much of. It bring you down, in his eyes, to associate with these people who are "lesser" than he is. I know, because I've broken up for girls for exactly that reason. This is true big time. I remember meeting this guy in one of my ex-gf's circle of friends and after talking with him, found out he was a college drop out and really wasn't a bright person. So I didn't think much of him at all since I don't associate myself with anybody like that. Turns out that this was her ex-bf from awhile ago and I found out that they were still close friends. My respect dropped immensely, and I ended up dumping her with really no problem at all even though she thought she "screwed me over". This is something she just didn't understand.
LuckyLady13 Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Alexa, I think maybe you should see this as a lesson learned. Some men can't take the idea that the woman they are with had been with other men. It is his problem if he can't deal with the fact that women don't stay celibate until they meet him! What I mean by lesson learned is you should be honest if asked about your past but there's a such thing as discretion. You knew this guy so you may have been able to avoid this with him by telling him you'd rather leave the past where it is. If you knew he couldn't handle the truth too well. Did he expect you to be a 42 year old nun? I have an ex who had this same problem as the guy you're dealing with here. My ex said to me "I wish you were never with anyone before me" and I should've known that was a red flag. For the next few years of our relationship, he could not let go of the idea that I didn't live in a convent full of nuns before we dated. Meanwhile, he was going on about how great his ex-girlfriend was before me (who cheated on him) and I hardly said a word. Some of us know that the past is the past and the present and future is where we need to keep our heads at. Some...obviously didn't get the memo. I'd say leave this guy alone. Let him have plenty of time to figure out what's more important. Your past...or YOU!
stillafool Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Sorry OP people shouldn't ask for the truth if they can't handle it. I would certainly guess that this is the reason why so many women lie when asked the "question". People need to grow the heck up. Let this jerk go he isn't worth it.
Author alexa137 Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Well, this is a complex situation. I think getting over the fact that our SO has dated and cared for other people is something There are a lot of other questions you could ask yourself, too. Are these past relationships still present in your life? Do you or your boyfriend see them regularly? If so, that's a problem. No one likes to be reminded of the last person to touch their partner before them. I don't blame anyone for that. I would recommend doing whatever you can to truly put these past relationships away, out of sight and mind. It sucks being reminded of the guy before you-who wants that? there is no other man in my life not was there was any 3 mths prior to meeting this guy, i dont see or talk to any others! we spent almost everyday (evening) and all weekends together he doesnt see them reguarly he doesnt have time to do anything but work mon-fri 8am-7pm then either my house or home
LittlePrince Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 i dont what it is but he wont change his mind, he says dudes think differently! well only him because ive never had to deal with this withno other dudes keep in mind though ive only had 2 other boyfriends in my adult lifetime(24 yrs) and he probably has the been the best etc out of all the men in those years he cant get it out of his mind he wont talk to me all day! he cant go on with me, and says he had to move on i cant change his mind, i guess i shouldve lied about who i dated cant help it it was someone he knew, ive lived in the same town for all my life so yes ive dated and know alot of men here i cant change his mind i dont know what to do! Most men wouldn't be able to move past this since sloppy seconds are disgusting and even worse when you know who you are coming after.
LittlePrince Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 it was 3 guys in the area, which i dont think is alot at all! i am almost 42 yrs old! i never knew a guy to be jealous or have this issue about the past, and ive dated and tallked to alot of men and even talked to one today and 3 of my girlfriends and they think its crazy to be hung up on the past especially 10-15 yrs ago! 1 guy beyond the one you marry can be a lot. It is all relative.
looks Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 i dont what it is but he wont change his mind, he says dudes think differently! well only him because ive never had to deal with this withno other dudes keep in mind though ive only had 2 other boyfriends in my adult lifetime(24 yrs) and he probably has the been the best etc out of all the men in those years he cant get it out of his mind he wont talk to me all day! he cant go on with me, and says he had to move on i cant change his mind, i guess i shouldve lied about who i dated cant help it it was someone he knew, ive lived in the same town for all my life so yes ive dated and know alot of men here i cant change his mind i dont know what to do! the problem is he probably really likes you and it hurt him at a deep level to know you've been with all these other men and he's just now getting to you
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