SidLyon Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Yes an e-mail was sent. It was brief and to the point. "OW, Sid has discovered our affair. I will be removing this account and I will not be contacting you again. Please do not try to contact me. Lyon" My fWH wanted to just go quiet after d-day and didn't even want to let her know why and that there had been a d-day. I felt that after more than 6 years(!) an explanation to her was warranted. I felt that during the A I had been treated like a piece of rubbish (or trash as you Americans would say). I guess she might have felt the same, but at least she got an explanation and she had also been forewarned by him that if I found out, the A would end.
AnotherRound Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 As the BW, no, I didn't ask for an NC letter. Of course, I didn't ask him for NC with his girlfriend, so an NC letter wouldn't have made sense. I talked to her very briefly on the phone, and simply told her that I knew about the affair and that was it. I didn't think it was my place to tell him what to do with her at that point, as it was his relationship with her and he had to make a decision. I had already decided that I wanted a divorce, so I wasn't bothered by the fact that they would continue theirs, and they did for a short time. So, nope, no NC letter. As for when I was the OW, nope, no NC letter, or attempts at NC at all. Of course, my situation was a little different in that the stbxw seemed to be okay with the affair as long as it was discreet, and he and I always were while we were together, so there were no problems that way. ExMM did call me and ask to talk to me in person after his stbxw filed for divorce. I had no idea what he wanted to talk about and agreed. He said that he was talking to me in person about the divorce out of respect for me and our relationship, and told me that he felt as if he needed to try to reconcile as he had made many mistakes in the marriage (prior to the A in how he handled it, in his mind), and wanted to try to make some wrongs right if that was possible. I appreciated him telling me in person, even though we weren't together and hadn't been for quite some time (almost a year at that point). I'm not sure who the NC letter would benefit really, other than the BS? I can see why it would make them feel better, but to me, if the WS is not interested in the AP any longer, wouldn't an NC letter by kind of unnecessary and redundant? Although, I don't understand APs that continue to pursue a relationship with a WS after they have been told that the WS is not interested. It seems very disrespectful to me for the AP to continue to insert themselves when even the WS is saying the relationship is over. As the BS, even when exH and I were attempting to reconcile after the divorce, I didn't ask for NC. I just accepted that he might choose her (or someone else) and if that's what he wanted, then that's what I wanted him to have. I certainly didn't want him to be with me only out of a sense of obligation, or bc he had promised to swear off another person (that he might really love) - not that this is true in all cases, but I would much prefer to be "chosen" vs feeling like if he had a choice it wouldn't have been me??? Maybe the NC letter doesn't make everyone feel that way, but I think it may have felt that way to me???
beenburned Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 AR, Some AP go crazy when the WS tells them they are stopping the affair and recommitting to their wife/marriage.(simply because the WS didn't choose them) After my SIL broke up with OW#1, she stalked and harassed the whole family(wife, child, and WS), to the point they took out a restraining order on her! This was a true "bunny boiler" situation!
AnotherRound Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 AR, Some AP go crazy when the WS tells them they are stopping the affair and recommitting to their wife/marriage.(simply because the WS didn't choose them) After my SIL broke up with OW#1, she stalked and harassed the whole family(wife, child, and WS), to the point they took out a restraining order on her! This was a true "bunny boiler" situation! Yes, I've heard of this, and exMM had a bunny boiler OW after me... I just see it as somewhat pathetic, and feel sad for them. For me, if someone tells me that they don't want to be with me, that's all I need to hear and I'm gone. I can't imagine begging someone to be with me, or trying to insert myself into another relationship - I think I would feel humiliated???? And, when exMM came to my house and told me he was going to honestly try to reconcile, that was fine with me. I didn't necessarily agree (I thought it might be kind of pointless in his situation), but I understood why he wanted to, and was respectful of that, in that I did not attempt to contact him or whatever. Of course we had been broken up for a year almost at that point, so, there was that. I don't know if it would have felt differently if I had been the OW when he decided to reconcile, but I'd hope that I wouldn't go all bunny boiler! I'm all about choice. If someone chooses me, great. If they don't, fine. I just let them choose, and I don't try to influence their choice, bc if I'm in a relationship with someone, I want it to be bc they WANT to be there, and CHOSE to be there. I'm so glad that I'm not in the affair any longer, and will never be in that situation again - all the possible drama is just too much. Of course, some people are bunny boilers even without the affair situation - exs sometimes get like that too...
beenburned Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I, nor my H, have ever sent a no contact letter. In cases where the OW doesn't realize that a d-day has occurred at MM's home, I guess there needs to be some sort of communication to let them know what has happened. And if the WS has decided to end the affair and recommit to his/her spouse and marriage, the OW/OM needs to be told of this information. I would think the purpose of such a letter is simply to inform the OW/OM of the WS's intentions for the future. However, if the letter is simply sent to be cruel and intentionally cause AP further pain, I find that completely unnecessary. And this could lead to harmful actions, especially to innocent people.(BS and children)
underwater2010 Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 As a fow, reformed, here is my suggestion for a NC letter. Name, I have decided to recommit to my marriage with whole heart and mind. Having this affair with you was a grave mistake on my part. I should not have done this to my spouse/family or to you. I request that you do not contact me as I'm moving forward with the decision and it will serve no purpose for myself or you. I am removing all avenues of our prior contact. I wish you peace and healing. Signed...... I realize that including how much I love my wife/husband and telling the ow/om what a terrible mistake or how terrible they think the ap is might serve to make the bs feel better, it imo is rubbing salt in the wound and it is inviting a response from the ap out of anger. The above is short, and clear without being insulting. Spot on. It is clear and to the point.
Snowflower Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Some marriage reconciliation sites/books/advice recommend that the WS (under the guidance of the BS) send a NC letter to the AP explaining that the BS is aware that the A happened and that the A is now over. It was baptism by fire for me after d-day so I had never heard of a NC letter nor did I request anything like that from my H. A letter like that was something I heard about much later, when we were months into reconciliation. For the record though, I haven't read here on LS where "most BS" require that a NC letter be written and sent. Some have had their WS send them, some haven't. I don't think it does much good though because the AP will continue to try to stay in contact if they so desire. Nope, a NC letter would not have been my style and I would not have asked my H to do that...unless he had wanted to, which I don't think the thought occurred to him either.
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