Just curious. NC letter

[wanting more]

Im just curious. In all the posts about A I see that most BS ask, request, make the WS send a NC letter the the AP. has everyone here had their WS send that? No reason, just curious

[underwater2010]

Nope. The affair had ended before I found out. I just told him if he talks with her again our marriage is over. Then I told her that I would release all the videos and pics she sent. (she believed me). I also told her husband about the affair.

[NordicStripes]

I had him call her with me present. He did that immediately and had no problem with it. He told her that she was the biggest mistake he'd ever made, that he had never cared about her and that he didn't want to hear from her again.

 

She did text him a couple of times and he called her back once to tell her to stop texting (which really upset me, I thought he should've just ignored her). When she e-mailed him not long after, he immediately told me, didn't reply, cancelled his emailaddress and made a new one that she didn't know. He also changed his phone number to make sure she couldn't contact him again.

[canuckprincess]

Im just curious. In all the posts about A I see that most BS ask, request, make the WS send a NC letter the the AP. has everyone here had their WS send that? No reason, just curious

 

Hmmm let me check, nope no letter lol. I guess if the relationship was over before dday then no need for a NC letter. That's not what happened to me

[waterwoman]

I never got to see the texts or hear the conversation that they had when H ended it. He told me it was over for good, when pressed he told me the bare minimum. So I asked him to send a NC letter to her. He did. It didn't help because there was as much love for her as for me in the words he wrote - 'I am sorry for hurting you' and ' I know what we shared was special' etc. In fact that letter has made it harder for me to cope since it was sent. The fact that he refused to blame her for any part of my pain was the right and decent thing to do, but it made it worse for me.

 

Yesterday when I was out at my first counselling session, without my prompting, he wrote another one. It was simpler, more blunt, it dwelt on how much he loved me, how much he had hurt me and how he regretted ever starting the affair. He told her I was his best friend as well as his wife and his lover and he had lost sight of that in the excitement of their relationship. He made no mention of her feelings or his for her. It wasn't deliberately cruel but if she had seen it I think it might have upset her. But she WON'T see it - I told him not to send it. There is no need.

 

Today I can see some light. It's as if a weight is lifted. I am smiling again for no particular reasons.

 

In my case this NC letter was for me, not her.

[Spark1111]

No, I didn't make him send a NC letter.

 

He eventually told her to stop calling him, months later, while we were still separated.

 

She wanted to be friends...still.

[mercy]

No, h had broke it off before dd.

 

Do you think you deserve a letter, wanting more?

 

h's affair was just sex. If he had told her he loved her and they had this long affair then maybe she should have gotten one. But the OW in my case knew from the get go that it was just about sex. She's the one that suggested it.

 

And no I don't think she deserved a damn thing. She got what she wanted so I thought she should just go away when he was through with her. But she didn't.

 

Anyway yours was different, I think what he did to you was disgusting.

 

You doing ok?

[mercy]

No, I didn't make him send a NC letter.

 

He eventually told her to stop calling him, months later, while we were still separated.

 

She wanted to be friends...still.

 

Oh for the love of god does she not know the definition of 'friend'?

[Furious]

I did not insist on a NC letter. Actually I believe that NC must be something that the WS or OW/OM implements of their free will and not as an order from the betrayed spouse. In essence this is the true test of remorse and will determine whether reconciliation is possible.

[wanting more]

No, h had broke it off before dd.

 

Do you think you deserve a letter, wanting more?

 

h's affair was just sex. If he had told her he loved her and they had this long affair then maybe she should have gotten one. But the OW in my case knew from the get go that it was just about sex. She's the one that suggested it.

 

And no I don't think she deserved a damn thing. She got what she wanted so I thought she should just go away when he was through with her. But she didn't.

 

Anyway yours was different, I think what he did to you was disgusting.

 

You doing ok?

 

 

 

I go up and down to be honest.* but thankfully i've had more ups.* my 2 youngest kids are involved in sports and i love being a "park mom" so that helps alot that i'm on the road 5-6 days/nights a week with them :-)

 

I don't know that I deserve a letter (maybe I feel I do in a sense*).* I think about it every now and then what would that even do for me??* I have NO plans of contacting him ever again and then really, what could he say in it??* Don't contact me again?* ok, that's a given for me.*

 

I think back*sometimes to when*xMM would say he could never imagine me*not being in life, (not just as an AP*but as a friend) and then*I*know now how that was so much bullsh*t coming out of his mouth.**I still just have*all these questions for him (I know they'll never be answered, and even if they*were he'd probably lie).* How*could he lie to me for so long,* how could he throw me under the bus and make me out to be this crazy obsessed person.* He broke my heart and just moved on.* How could he be the oposite of what I thought he was??* ( a man that loved me, but loved his family and didn't know how to deal with that)

*

 

I think*a hard thing for me if to think of the future and look back on these 3+ years and remember it as a regret.* I've learned a*lesson and will never let*this happen again but 3+years of lies is hard to digest*when thinking about*your past.* I know*I have things I regret now in my past, but its never been a 3 year thing.* hope that kinda makes sense*

[BetrayedH]

My wife worked for the OM and I gave her 90 days to change that situation and then commit to NC for life. I also met with the OM to find out from the horse's ass's mouth what his intentions were. I made it clear that his superiors and his wife would find out if I discovered anything further in the meantime. I ended up telling his wife anyway as I lost my mind with them continuing to work together. He transferred right at about the 90 days. Never did a NC letter.

[wanting more]

I know I don't need a NC letter to not contact him again. I guess deep down I'd like an explanation from him. But then again. There's no explanation that would make me feel better. An I'm sorry?? I know that wouldn't matter to me now. I know everybody says closure is over rated but I guess being in the spot I'm in just makes it a little tough. Just know, i won't let this linger in my mind , just kinda in the forefront for me now.

[Ninja'sHusband]

No, no letter. We are divorcing. NC was the deal breaker.

[mercy]

I go up and down to be honest.* but thankfully i've had more ups.* my 2 youngest kids are involved in sports and i love being a "park mom" so that helps alot that i'm on the road 5-6 days/nights a week with them :-)

 

I hate sports but love grandsons games!

 

I don't know that I deserve a letter (maybe I feel I do in a sense*).* I think about it every now and then what would that even do for me??* I have NO plans of contacting him ever again and then really, what could he say in it??* Don't contact me again?* ok, that's a given for me.*

 

Write yourself a letter from him. What others can't or won't give you, give to yourself.

 

I think back*sometimes to when*xMM would say he could never imagine me*not being in life, (not just as an AP*but as a friend) and then*I*know now how that was so much bullsh*t coming out of his mouth.**I still just have*all these questions for him (I know they'll never be answered, and even if they*were he'd probably lie).* How*could he lie to me for so long,*

 

Well, he was a proven liar. Right? Someone said something yesterday that reminded me of what my dad use to say to me on the first day of school, he'd say, look around at how a kid treats others because that's how he's gonna treat you. Sometimes we don't want to see that. We think oh they just do that to others not me. Your MM lied to his wife disrespected her in the end he did the same to you. Tough lesson to learn but it's one you'll never repeat. That's what mistakes are, lessons and when we are through learning them, we don't repeat it.

 

how could he throw me under the bus and make me out to be this crazy obsessed person.* He broke my heart and just moved on.* How could he be the oposite of what I thought he was??* ( a man that loved me, but loved his family and didn't know how to deal with that)

*

Blinders, you saw what you wanted to see.

 

I think*a hard thing for me if to think of the future and look back on these 3+ years and remember it as a regret.* I've learned a*lesson and will never let*this happen again but 3+years of lies is hard to digest*when thinking about*your past.* I know*I have things I regret now in my past, but its never been a 3 year thing.* hope that kinda makes sense*

 

The whole three years haven't been filled with lies. Think of all the memories you have with your kids. Focus on that. Don't wipe out three years of memories. They are your memories don't allow him to steal one more thing from you. You remember it any way you want.

 

Have you ever read Let it go by T.D. Jakes?

 

Seek joy, you'll find it!

[mercy]

Here it is -

 

 

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

 

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, "They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us." [1 John 2:19]

 

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

 

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!

 

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains... LET IT GO!!!

 

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth... LET IT GO!!!

 

If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents .. LET IT GO!!!

 

If you have a bad attitude... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.. LET IT GO!!!

 

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ... LET IT GO!!!

 

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!!

 

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2010!!! LET IT GO!!!

 

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!

 

T.D. Jakes

[BetrayedH]

I know I don't need a NC letter to not contact him again. I guess deep down I'd like an explanation from him. But then again. There's no explanation that would make me feel better. An I'm sorry?? I know that wouldn't matter to me now. I know everybody says closure is over rated but I guess being in the spot I'm in just makes it a little tough. Just know, i won't let this linger in my mind , just kinda in the forefront for me now.

 

You're in the same boat with a lot of us, wm. I sure as hell would love an explanation of what the hell happened to my wife, to my marriage. 19 years is a long time. How much of it was a lie? Were there other men? Why keep lying to me during a reconciliation? Was I so bad of a husband? Is she still with him? Was the whole reconciliation a lie? Did she just take it underground?

 

I will never have answers. And I still have to deal with her for basically the rest of my life. I'm coming to grips with the lack of closure. At this point I just wish for NC. Not gonna get that either when we share a 6 year old and a 10 year old.

[Summer Breeze]

Here it is -

 

 

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

 

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, "They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us." [1 John 2:19]

 

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

 

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!

 

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains... LET IT GO!!!

 

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth... LET IT GO!!!

 

If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents .. LET IT GO!!!

 

If you have a bad attitude... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.. LET IT GO!!!

 

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ... LET IT GO!!!

 

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!!

 

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2010!!! LET IT GO!!!

 

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!

 

T.D. Jakes

 

That is amazing Mercy! Thanks for sharing it.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Here it is -

 

 

 

 

 

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

 

 

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, "They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us." [1 John 2:19]

 

 

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

 

 

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!

 

 

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...LET IT GO!!!

 

 

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains... LET IT GO!!!

 

 

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth... LET IT GO!!!

 

 

If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!!

 

 

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.... LET IT GO!!!

 

 

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ... LET IT GO!!!

 

 

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents .. LET IT GO!!!

 

 

If you have a bad attitude... LET IT GO!!!

 

 

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!!

 

 

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him... LET IT GO!!!

 

 

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.... LET IT GO!!!

 

 

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.. LET IT GO!!!

 

 

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ... LET IT GO!!!

 

 

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!!

 

 

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2010!!! LET IT GO!!!

 

 

 

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!

 

 

 

T.D. Jakes

 

Or just get some good ole hypno therapy like that dude in Office Space

 

I think I actually lived that for a while...I told my manager and my manager's manager that I should be fired. Instead they gave me tons of support and leeway. Then they promoted me to virtual lead of my group. It made zero sense! I've been so lucky...but I think honesty and being able to accept things or let them go is an important skill.

 

Ah here's the prayer, I had never seen the whole thing before:

 

(change can mean letting go I think, getting out of a bad situation)

 

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

 

~ Reinhold Niebuhr

[DBella]

A NC letter wouldn't give me any peace of mind or do anything for me at all. She has no self-worth and her obsession with my H is beyond crazy. For all I know, he could tell her in front of my face that she doesn't mean crap to him, and then she would try to contact him later on at night to let him know it is okay, they can continue sleeping with each other and he had to do what he had to do in front of me so he could keep his family together.

 

Why do I assume this? He told her over the phone that he wasn't interested in her anymore and that he was going to work on his marriage and still, she sent him a couple of email messages begging for him to go meet her somewhere. She seems to be the type that finds a thrill with the whole secrecy thing, she doesn't mind at all being on the side and on call.

[mercy]

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

 

~ Reinhold Niebuhr

 

Beautiful beautiful poem. It hung in my bedroom, as a child, for as long as I can remember.

 

Thank you for sharing it!

[mercy]

Or just get some good ole hypno therapy like that dude in Office Space

 

I think I actually lived that for a while...I told my manager and my manager's manager that I should be fired. Instead they gave me tons of support and leeway. Then they promoted me to virtual lead of my group. It made zero sense! I've been so lucky...but I think honesty and being able to accept things or let them go is an important skill.

 

Amen to that!

 

I don't know what Office Space is but I'll google it.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Amen to that!

 

I don't know what Office Space is but I'll google it.

 

Definitely It's an awesome comedy. People at work quote it constantly, maybe even more than Python's "Holy Grail". It deals with infidelity as well, specifically the fact that often the betrayed partner is the last one to know.

[wanting more]

Here it is -

 

 

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

 

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, "They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us." [1 John 2:19]

 

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

 

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!

 

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains... LET IT GO!!!

 

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth... LET IT GO!!!

 

If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents .. LET IT GO!!!

 

If you have a bad attitude... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.... LET IT GO!!!

 

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.. LET IT GO!!!

 

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ... LET IT GO!!!

 

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!!

 

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2010!!! LET IT GO!!!

 

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!

 

T.D. Jakes

 

Thank you. This is great!!! I've copied it to my desktop so I can read it over and over.

[wanting more]

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

 

~ Reinhold Niebuhr

 

 

I know the Serenity prayer but had not heard the rest. Thank you. I also copied this one to my desktop.

[wanting more]

I get you wanting an explanation but that isn't the same as a NC letter.

 

Wanting, you aren't there yet, it takes a while, but there is NOTHING he could say to make you feel better.

 

My situation was different, (he lied about being married) but by the time I found out the truth, they really were separated and yes we talked 2 or 3 times after he knew I knew, but it made no difference. Nothing he said or could have said, would have made me understand it or made me feel better.

 

Later I heard through the grapevine they got back together and that's fine, none of my concern, but if he had then sent me a NC letter.......I would have been absolutely furious. I mean there would have been hell to pay, because I didn't contact him, had no intention of contacting him and if he had been arrogant enough to send me something like that, well I can tell you that some of the things I thought about doing to him when I was so angry..........well something would have happened.

 

I think if you got a NC letter, that was curt and short, I think you'd be pissed off..........there is nothing he could say that will make you understand him or why he did what he did.

 

Thank you. I do appreciate all the words. After I write them on here and get all the responses, my feelings seem to fall in place. Thinking about what you said about a NC would really piss me off. And yes, there is NOTHING he could say to make me feel better.