ambustry Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 (edited) I am not good at expressing my feelings when in the back of my mind I know there is an audience other than me. I will try to remain the most honest I can be. My situation is as follows. About two months ago my girlfriend broke up with me. I don't normally post anything let alone my feelings, so you can probably imagine the damage that it did to me. This girl is amazing. She is kind, loving, smart, beautiful and has an amazing sense of humor. People are just drawn to her and her amazing human qualities. After two years of the relationship I was 21 and living in college. My relationship with her got so bland. I did love her but not to a degree where our life style was alright. We hanged out litirarly every day, rarely missing days of hanging out. This lasted 2 years. Then, one morning I just decided I could not take any more of this. So I broke up with her. It was not because I did not love her but because I lost all connection with the real world. We became so engrossed in the relationship, that I became blind to what was to the left and to the right of me. I hung out only with her, and lost connection with many acquaintances and some friends. I felt guilty at one point if I didn't call her or if I didn't hang out with her one day. To her this was the only acceptable form of a relationship. And so I ended it, I wanted to be alone and I wanted to see other people. After I broke up with her she called me the following day she needed someone to talk to about this and had nobody but me. I loved her, it killed me to see her in pain. I attempted to nurture her back to being alright with messaging over Facebook and texting over the phone. For a month right after the break up we talked and eventually I set up a day where we would see each other. Naturally, we got back together. The saddest part is that I tried to let the relationship die out on its own since we got back together. And I accomplished it but towards the end things did not go as planned. You see, I asked for more space in the relationship, I did not want it to be this close again. So we started to see each other less often like 3 to 4 days a week. And over the next year the relationship became exactly that which I wished it to be. I was in a relationship with a person who I loved and the way we spent time with each other was perfect. I no longer sacrificed my whole week and every hour of the day being with her. I'm not going to lie, I took her for granted. I began to see her in my life under every circumstance. That became scary. I got so attached to her that when she broke up with me over the summer it hit me like a train. Towards the last couple of weeks she went to Europe where we did not talk with each other for twenty or so days. When she came back we did not have sex because I just did not feel like starting it something didn't feel right and so we didn't have sex for about a month in total. By the way she is the type of girl who does not cheat or lie about that, so just take it for what it is, she did not cheat on me. But when she came back from Europe she, I guess realized, that she was not as dependant on me as she thought and so she ended it. The first time I got back with her after the initial two years was because I could not stand to see her in pain and it backfired like a bitch. I am now in pain because the only thing I can think about is how I lost something so dam valuable and difficult to find. I'm going to be honest I'm not great with girls. I'm an alright looking dude and I'm not stupid, but when it comes to girls I'm retarded. In fact I won this one over by being high at a party and acting purely myself around everyone like an alpha male. This attracted her to me. And surprisingly enough she was a type of a girl whose personality would not be attracted to this behavior, or I don't even know... anyway she fell in love with my personality. I am a kind person maybe, and I am good at communication. She liked that. Thats what kept our relationship alive, but what began it, was a confident type of behavior. If I could only act this way all the time, but my peak was back in the day I don't know where it all went. Maybe I got soft as time passed and I was in the relationship. Either way I need to do something. I don't know what but making myself a stronger person in this sense will make me be able to get over her. I need to better myself with a unique way of behavior and mentality but I do not know what that is. I don't believe things happen for a reason. I think things are random. What I just said I wish I could say with all honesty, but there is a little part of me that still believes in fate. Either way, I need to do something. I am 22 I am in college and this is my last year. I am trying to go to Sweden my last semester and maybe go to Israel over winter break. I never travel, I am doing this as a lastrl resort. I have to take my mind of these things. She destroyed my ego and my comfort zone. I will noe try to take advantage of my volnurability by pushing it even further. I will put myself out there and see what I do not yet know. I hope I will be lucky if not then ****. Edited September 25, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
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