What happened?? Any thoughts welcome

[nightsky76]

We started dating about 8 months ago now. It was great. She has a very vibrant personality and was really into me. Things just seemed to fit really well between us, she was always telling me how "easy" things were with me and how comfortable she was around me, etc etc... I felt the same way for the most part. She was quick in moving things forward - inviting me over pretty much every day, talking about a future together and asking me to move in with her. I told her we could talk about it more next year, after my lease was up and on better footing to make a life together. She has two little girls so I wanted to be considerate of them too and not just throw myself into their lives. I never once tried to speed our relationship up, I was all about taking our time... but she moved things forward very fast and I just went along with it - after all she seemed like a great fit for me honestly and being around her just made me really happy.

 

The last few months she seemed to be a little more disconnected from me - she had a rough summer with issues with her sister and mom and some medical issues she had. She kept apologizing to me for "not being herself" and asked me to please stay with her through this... I told her of course I would and I know this isn't the way she usually is. She still wanted me to come over every day, same old stuff.. just not as close affectionately. Like maybe the "honeymoon period" was fading for her... which seemed quick but I know she was under a lot of stress over the summer.

 

So we are at her friends house a few weeks ago over labor day weekend and she is once again trying to console her friend about another poor choice for a boyfriend (all her close girlfriends are single and most of them have man issues). And I am a little irritated because she's been there the last 3 days straight and we haven't had any time to ourselves. Just fyi I never tell her what she can or cant do or where she can go etc, I am not that guy... I know she has her own life and friends and her life shouldn't revolve around me. I just wanted a day for me and her to hang out together - we used to do it all the time and I know things have changed, but every now and then would be nice. I guess my irritation showed, I was pretty quiet and just taking in all the drama, so she asks me whats wrong and I ask her why she asked me to come with her.I tell her I could've stayed home and did other stuff while she spent time with her friends because I am the odd man out in this situation. She gets upset, tells her friend that we're leaving, and I take her home and then go home myself. She texts me a little later and says shes crying and she needs some time because she doesn't know what's wrong. She tells me she feels like I'm suffocating her and insecure and she doesn't know if its her or the situation or whatnot. So I ask her if she wants me to just get my things from her place and we just separate and she says thats not it at all - she asks for a week apart to clear her mind and I say ok. It was a long week. We texted a little that week, she said she missed me so much and she loves me and thats not the problem. She said she can't get her head around how she's feeling but she will do her best to explain it to me when we meet Tuesday. She did ask me over Saturday, to watch a movie and no drama or questions, and I did - just sat together and watched a movie then I went home afterwards.

 

We met for dinner next Tues and she said she doesn't know what happened or why she is so freaked out all the sudden, but she loves me more than she's ever loved any man and she doesnt want to lose me. She asked if we could go back to just dating and not seeing eachother every day. I tell her I probably ccould but it depends on what happened and why she feels like this now. She said she really doesn't know, she is just scared and very independent and feels like she needs her own space too along with our together time. I told her I never tried to take that away from her. She said she doesn't feel like she can give 100% to me right now, and her kids come first, then her career, then herself, and she wants to make sure she has those things in order and doesn't lose sight of that. I asked her if we go back to just dating and seeing eachother once or twice a week and end up getting close again will she just freak out and push me away again and she said adamantly that she won't, she just needs time to grow into it slowly and not be so afraid. She ased me to promise I will stick through this with her and I said I will. She asked me to pinky swear on it, that really made me smile.. I did. She said nothing will change between us except the frequency we see eachother. That was two weeks ago.

 

Things have changed quite a bit since then. She rarely calls, texts, or messages me anymore. I see her about once a week now and the last time I saw her alone was 2 Saturdays ago. That night she went out to dinner with a friend beforehand and asked me to wait at her house for her. She came home about 11p and we went to sleep together, that was it. I saw her last Thurs and Sun as well (she invited me) but she had the kids so it was really just hanging out for a few hours and laying with her watching TV after she put the kids to sleep, then leaving after she fell asleep. It seems we have taken a huge step back, we've actually never been this disconnected since we met - I didn't think this is what she meant by what she told me.

 

I'm feeling like I should just let go and leave her alone and we go our separate ways - but I promised her I would wait and she said shed "be back". She still says she loves me sometimes, still contacts me a couple times a day... but its nothing like before. For my part I still try to show her I'm around - I say good morning and good night to her if she doesn't first, try to make small talk once or twice a day.. but I never ask to see her or try to carry a conversation on too long, she wanted space after all. It just seems like all her quality time is being spent with her girlfriends and she is just spending the little time she does with me as a side thought - because she feels bad or obligated. I would hope its because she wants to see me but it just doesn't feel that way. I flat out asked her if she wanted to break up though when this first came up, and she said she wanted me. Wouldn't she have taken the out I was giving to her if she didn't want me? I don't want to become bitter and resentful towards her. I really do love her a lot but I am starting to take a lot of this personal, and I don't want to hurt her with it all any more than I want to be hurt with it. She asked for us to go back to dating, and she said it was because there was too much on her plate basically - so me talking about "us" or revealing my hurt over this to her isn't going to do anything to help us or the stress she has indicated she's already feeling. Do I just sit around and have faith that she is just trying to clear her head and "find a place for me" or just pack it in? How much time should I wait this out if that's what I decide to do?

 

The plus side, if there is one, is that seeing someone infrequently and having a pretty hands off relationship doesn't work out so bad because I am studying and working a lot. But the little time I do have it would be nice to feel like someone wants to spend time with me, and in my opinion there should always be a little time to just say hi or I love you or I miss you... that's all fading away fast it seems. This is also our first real rough patch, is this typical, and if I end things now is that me giving this up way too easy? Or am I just coming off as a doormat by trying to keep this relationship going?

 

Any thoughts? Sorry I know this is long...

Edited September 25, 2012 by nightsky76

[nightsky76]

Sorry, I pasted it in from a word doc and it messed it up pretty bad. I fixed it as best I could. Hopefully it still reads ok

[nightsky76]

Ok I spent quite a bit of time reading here tonight and I think I have gathered that I basically need to get the rest of my things from her place, graciously, and give her complete space - for her to really figure out how she is feeling and for me to keep from getting immolated if things go any further down hill (which it sounds like they very well might).

 

I know the post was long and I'm sorry it was probably hell to read and hence no replies, I just didn't want to miss anything petinent and I guess was writing as much for myself to get it off my chest as for any potential helpers to read.

 

My only question now is... I only contact her once or twice a day now, and mostly I'm just answering contact she initiates. I also don't ask to see her, haven't in about two weeks. I let her ask to see me and then just accept. Should I cut all this out too and completely "break up" or just keep things like they are, with the exception of my clearing out of her place and let her take the next step - whether to move back further or whatever she might have in mind?

[Paloma875]

The problem is that she is getting what she wants out of the situation and you are not....she is also probably thinking that you are cool with how everything is, because you have pretty much accepted it all.

 

If you are not ok with how things are you should tell her-from her point of view, she thinks everything is fine and it isn't.

 

 

hope it all works out for you. best wishes

[nightsky76]

Maybe I will write her a letter or something today, drop it off at her house w/ flowers or something... something she can read on her own time and without me standing over her that lets her know how I feel about all this.

 

I already told her though, when we first talked... I told her that I understand she needs to back things up because of the feelings she is having and I would help her any way I could because she said that her feelings about me haven't changed. I'm just worried that me bringing up how I am taking this and that this is hard for me is going to be taken negatively by her.

 

For whatever reason, she wants space from me, and all the while is telling me she wants me. It feels like shes being selfish and wants everything on her terms sometimes, but I also feel like if I can't give her this (if its a temporary thing) then that is pretty selfish - and clingy and suffocating - of me.

 

I'll write a letter, someone let me know if I should deliver it lol sigh.... wish I was better at this

[Paloma875]

if she is aware of how you feel, really feel, then yes, she is being selfish. If she isn't, and you have been playing down your thoughts/feelings to accommodate her need for things to go slowly then no she isn't being selfish.

 

You should approach this with her in a manner that reflects one of the above.... if she is under the impression that you have been fine with how things have been then you shouldn't make such a grand gesture about it, it will freak her out. If she is aware of how you feel, then write a letter, but really flowers, cards...its all sweet but never the determining factor on whether she will consider what you want out of this....but its better to know now whether or not she is even considering something more committed with you, unless you get it all out in the open.

 

 

So this isn't really about what she wants....she's made it clear by the way things have cooled down between you...what this is about is whether you want to be involved with someone who is unavailable for the kind of relationship you are looking for. Do you want to wait it out or do you want to let go?

[nightsky76]

I just spilled it.. Im pretty sure we are done .

 

Today was just another extension of yesterday, and even a little teeny bit colder. So I asked if I could see her later and she told me shes pretty busy and said we were planning on Saturday, and asked me whats up. I told her nothing and I just wanted to talk to her and it could wait until Saturday. She asked me again, so I just told her.

 

I told her that I feel alot more has changed between us than just seeing eachother less, and I was confused because she told me nothing else would change. She admitted she has been "shutting down" towards me in her words, and doesnt know whats wrong and is so mad at herself for it because "I am such a good and wonderful guy." She said she is going to talk to her therapist tonight to try to help her clear her mind and find out whats going on. Really??? Maybe you just don't feel it for me anymore - duh..

 

I told her I couldn't go on with things as they were - the not seeing eachother as much part is fine its the not feeling like we even have a connection part (not my exact words - I was much nicer), and told her if she isnt feeling like I am the one for her anymore she just needed to let me know so we both could stop putting ourselves through this. She asked for me to give her tonight to get her head together and we would talk tomorrow... well see, Im guessing this is over though

[flitzanu]

Ok I spent quite a bit of time reading here tonight and I think I have gathered that I basically need to get the rest of my things from her place, graciously, and give her complete space - for her to really figure out how she is feeling and for me to keep from getting immolated if things go any further down hill (which it sounds like they very well might).

 

I know the post was long and I'm sorry it was probably hell to read and hence no replies, I just didn't want to miss anything petinent and I guess was writing as much for myself to get it off my chest as for any potential helpers to read.

 

My only question now is... I only contact her once or twice a day now, and mostly I'm just answering contact she initiates. I also don't ask to see her, haven't in about two weeks. I let her ask to see me and then just accept. Should I cut all this out too and completely "break up" or just keep things like they are, with the exception of my clearing out of her place and let her take the next step - whether to move back further or whatever she might have in mind?

 

 

yup, get your things back and move on. she gave you the "i want time" and "i want to step back from being together" speech, which means that's a softblow breakup.

[geegirl]

I'm guessing it's over too. If someone has to crack their head and even seek their therapist for guidance in terms of deciding if they want to be with you, chances are they don't. It's a stall tactic because they don't know how to confront you with the bad news.

[lukas]

It's a stall tactic because they don't know how to confront you with the bad news.

 

That is very accurate! It's interesting how it works like that and how people have trouble rejecting someone.

[nightsky76]

I dont get that part at all... I flat out asked her twice now, made it easy for her to say it... told her I wouldn't be bitter and resentful and I understand things change, feelings change. JUST SAY IT!

 

She still won't tell me whats going on... needs to go talk to someone tonight to figure it out even though she just told me she knows shes pushing me away, however bad she feels about it. I already know the answer, and even if its not the answer I now have to break up with her even if she wants to keep going because its obvious to me she is not as ready as she thought she was, and now I will watching my step around every corner - so its broken.

 

Its like they want it to hurt as much as possible lol sigh.... I don't want to become angry and bitter and hateful, so just keep it from me until I am and really blow this thing up good!! sigh...

 

I know its over. Today she did not say she loved me - not once... first time in eight months.

 

Thanks everyone. I know what I need to do and I will do it. Just gonna wait until we talk tomorrow. I told her I would let her get her thoughts together tonight. We work together (I know stupid) and I sit right next to her in a meeting so thats gonna suck... but its sucked this whole month and I've gotten pretty numb to it because she hasn't shown me much affection anyway.... Its ok. I need to regroup and then meet someone who wants to be in a relationship with me.

 

Thanks again for letting me get this out and reading. I will let y'all know how it goes tomorrow.

[geegirl]

I dont get that part at all... I flat out asked her twice now, made it easy for her to say it... told her I wouldn't be bitter and resentful and I understand things change, feelings change. JUST SAY IT!

 

It's dumpers remorse. She can't be in the relationship anymore, yet she too fears the thought of being alone, not having that security blanket, etc. All those emotions however cannot overshadow the fact that she has to face the truth about how she feels. So she needs to seek a therapist to help her through it, help her convey it, help her feel settled in her decision.

 

Time to move on.

 

Hopefully you get your closure tonight.

[MonsterMash]

Shes banging someone else. Let her go. Don't contact her at all.

[nightsky76]

She's not banging someone else, or at least if she is she has balls of steel to still invite me over, have pictures of us all over her house, see me pretty much every day until about 2 weeks ago, and be "indisposed" this week - and have someone on the side. I'd almost have to congratulate her for that feat if it were true. I am guessing that's not the issue here.

 

Nevertheless, it is over . I sent her a text this morning after leaving her alone after we talked yesterday and asked her if she had time to get her thoughts together. She texted back that she did but wanted to talk face to face Saturday since that was the next time she had available to really spend some time together. I told her thats fine, but just let me know now if we're over so I know. I told her we could still talk Saturday but I couldn't wait until then wondering. She basically told me she can't do this anymore and thinks she needs to be alone. I told her I I love her, but I understand and thanked her for letting me know and not waiting too long to tell me. I told her I would see her Saturday and we could work out the rest of the details. Its over though... I also told her I didn't want this either, because we had something too special in my eyes to watch it turn into what it was turning into - she agreed.

 

I did ask her if we could spend Saturday together after we talk/I get the rest of my things and give her back her stuff, just one last day together, and she said of course and she would like that alot. I told her I'd see her Sat then... that was it.

 

Its over, but its for the best... neither one of us were happy and neither one of us were getting what we wanted out of it anymore - at least I know I was not, and she broke up with me so she either wasn't or doesn't know what she wants. I don't know what it is she wants exactly either - if I did I would've tried to give it to her... but at the end of the day it doesn't matter. She made her decision, and all I can do is wish her the best and hope she finds it, whatever it is. She made the comment that maybe we can revisit this someday... just fyi if anyone reading this ever hears that - don't hang on to that as a hope and not move on. She might come back in time, the most likely will not, but if she does come back there's a 99 percent chance all she will ever want is to be friends... and if you actually do get back together again and you haven't moved on and grown/lived your life in the mean time - she will just break your heart again, because you are the same damn guy it didn't work with the first time. Move on... do something... get over it.

 

Thanks everyone, it helped alot to share this... I need more friends lol

[flitzanu]

doesn't matter how busy someone is, there's 24 hours in a day. just be prepared in case that IS what's going on. there's ALWAYS time for another.

[Simon Phoenix]

doesn't matter how busy someone is, there's 24 hours in a day. just be prepared in case that IS what's going on. there's ALWAYS time for another.

 

Yeah, there's no such thing as "too busy". Everyone is busy for the most part.