How long ago did you break up?

[Charlotted29]

7 months for me now, it has been the worst time of my life and even lost my job because I couldn't cope doing it and dealing with the break up at the same time. However I have a new job now, just part time but i'm much stronger and think i'm getting there! He is still with the one that replaced me, and i'm starting to realise i'm alot better off than with someone with a neck tattoo.

[NailBiter]

@Nailbiter was there ever a time when you felt as though you were improving or has this been constant for you? I have thought about my ex constantly since we broke up but I recognise how much easier things have become. If not have you considered speaking to someone about your feelings? I went to a CBT therapist which helped so much!

 

 

There have been a few times where I felt ok. It's no doubt easier than it was before. Still sucks that it can ruin my mood for days at a time before feeling just ok until the next valley. I don't have a job so I doubt I could afford a shrink right now. I wouldn't even know how to go about finding one.

[TheDovic]

@Charlotted29 I know what it feels like to be in such despair you can't work. When my fiancee dumped me I couldn't work for almost 6 months. Luckily for me my employer allowed me to take it as stress leave so I didn't lose my job.

 

The moral of this story is that I was in such a bad place after 5 months that I couldn't work, go out and I was severely depressed... BUT now I'm doing a lot better. Although I have relapsed in general I am doing better and this should give hope as if I could change things so can you!

 

 

@Nailbiter it seems as though things are still tough, but maybe it's ok for your process of healing to be a bit slower than some others. Plus it's promising that you have some good times as I'm sure you can remember a time when it was ALL bad!

[shayla]

It has been almost 2 years, and at times it still bothers me. I don't miss him, I don't love him, he left me for another woman and married her 2 months later, so no, nothing about him makes me want him back.

 

I still have flashes of anger at times because of the way I was lied to, manipulated, and badly treated. Still after all these years I still feel this way, and I don't like it. Thankfully, the flashes come less often than they used to.

 

I've been lucky enough that I've never seen him since all this happened, it was a nasty breakup, complete with the email full of lies that he sent me for her benefit.

 

I think back to the way he treated me, and I want to smash him in the head. I think back to the lies he told me and I want to knock his teeth out. In short, I go back and forth from indifference to rage.

[TheDovic]

I still have flashes of anger at times because of the way I was lied to, manipulated, and badly treated. Still after all these years I still feel this way, and I don't like it. Thankfully, the flashes come less often than they used to.

 

This really helps Shayla because it is quite similar to what I'm going through, although rather than angry I become sad. It's really healthy to notice that whilst the anger is still there it comes less and less. I think this gap eventually starts to widen until the feelings are few and far between.

 

I started this thread through fear that I had experienced strong feelings once again for my ex, but from speaking to people like you I accept this is normal. Furthermore it has calmed me down as I now see how these emotions come in bursts, which is a lot better than having them constantly. In my opinion this is real progress!!

 

Thank you

[Jingle14]

I really do! The way my ex looks at me when she sees me isn't a look you just give to anyone. There is a lot of pain in her eyes and she frequently cries when speaking to me. My point is if the relationship had good times then it's likely your ex remembers them and misses them.

 

My relationship was a mess, but when I think back it's the good times which have strong emotions linked to them, therefore these memories are more potent. I think people are predisposed to remembering the good times even if they were in the midst of hell. Think back to your childhood. Your family may have been broken, you may have been bullied, but I bet the first thing you think about are happy carefree times!

 

Your ex contacts you though of her own free will, mine never does/would so that makes me doubtful that he does think of me, fondly or otherwise. What i love about your posts though is that you speak such sense and i find it hard to believe you're a man!!

I asked him about a month after he dumped me if he ever missed me, even for a second. His reply 'no, i can look back fondly and think of lovely memories as nice times but no i never miss you.' I was deeply hurt but i did ask - and this was a man who once counted down by text or email how long till we were together, missed me desperately.

Edited September 28, 2012 by Jingle14

[NailBiter]

 

@Nailbiter it seems as though things are still tough, but maybe it's ok for your process of healing to be a bit slower than some others. Plus it's promising that you have some good times as I'm sure you can remember a time when it was ALL bad!

 

While I can enjoy myself from time to time and it's not like a constant kick to the balls in terms of pain I still have a very dull feeling about life ever since she left. My life went from feeling like a medium-rare t-bone steak to an overcooked bland piece of beef. It's the worst. I woke up imagining her smiling face today. I didn't think I would still be so in love with her after 2 years. I only have one more year to go until the breakup length passes the relationship length and I'm scared that I'll never really get over her. The anger I used to use to beat down the sadness is completely gone.

Edited September 28, 2012 by NailBiter

[TheDovic]

Your ex contacts you though of her own free will, mine never does/would so that makes me doubtful that he does think of me, fondly or otherwise. What i love about your posts though is that you speak such sense and i find it hard to believe you're a man!!

I asked him about a month after he dumped me if he ever missed me, even for a second. His reply 'no, i can look back fondly and think of lovely memories as nice times but no i never miss you.' I was deeply hurt but i did ask - and this was a man who once counted down by text or email how long till we were together, missed me desperately.

 

Well I can assure you I really am a man or else something has really went wrong "down there!" lol

 

I think it's very important for people on this website (and in life in general) to understand that nothing stays the same. NOTHING, not one single thing!!! I imagine it was heart breaking when your ex said he didn't miss you as it bluntly showed you how much his feelings had changed. But does this mean his feelings won't change again??

 

From what I know of "dumpers" on this site (and from my own experience), immediately following a break up there is a real sense of relief, and on top of that the bad memories (which caused them to end things) are to the fore. Furthermore there is often someone else (or the exciting thought of meeting someone else) who is exciting and will make their dreams come true. However does this feeling last forever??? NO!!! Sure a lot of couples are happy, but this initial infatuation goes away. It's called "limerence" by the way. A psychological term for the great feeling at the start of a relationship.

 

The reason feelings wear off is that people cannot sustain one emotion for a long period of time, whether it be good or bad. I don't want to sound like a pessimist here because I'm really not, but if you look at your news feed on FB people appear just as miserable regardless of whether they're rich/poor, fat/thin, married/single! When I recall my relationship I had other things in my life to be miserable about, but now that energy is focused on my ex and how everything would be better if she came back (which it wouldn't be, but the heart wants what the heart wants!).

 

I've went off course a bit here, but the moral of my story is that human beings are changeable, and just one month after your relationship he was probably feeling a lot of relief. So maybe your ex didn't miss you then, but that's not to say he won't miss you again at some other point!

 

Ps, I'm not about giving false hope. I just think it's helpful to look at things rationally. And the fact is people's feelings change!

[msfreebyme]

8 months....its not that I miss him in general but I miss having a relationship. Since hes the only one I have had a relationship with I tend to think of him.

[TheDovic]

While I can enjoy myself from time to time and it's not like a constant kick to the balls in terms of pain I still have a very dull feeling about life ever since she left. My life went from feeling like a medium-rare t-bone steak to an overcooked bland piece of beef. It's the worst. I woke up imagining her smiling face today. I didn't think I would still be so in love with her after 2 years. I only have one more year to go until the breakup length passes the relationship length and I'm scared that I'll never really get over her. The anger I used to use to beat down the sadness is completely gone.

 

Hey dude, I don't really have anything to say which will make you feel better other than what I have already said. I do believe with all my heart though that even though the time scales for getting over someone appears to be different I think the end result is always the same. ALWAYS!!!

 

Try and think of one person in the entire world (discounting movies of course) who has been unable to get over someone. I was asked this question once and couldn't give an answer to it because I honestly didn't know anyone. And even if you pull one or two names out, the reality is that 99.9999999% of people appear to move on.

 

Now you don't want to feel like this anymore so you feel as if you're different, but the reality is you're just taking a bit more time than others. This doesn't mean it will last forever. There is no set time period for this. Look at some people who appear happy as ever weeks / months after a breakup, then there's people like me who are moving forward slowly but surely. Then there are people like you who are taking a longer time. The important thing to realise here is we all have the same finishing line. It's just some can't run as fast as others towards it, no matter how much you'd like to!

 

In saying this you sound like you might be depressed. I was extremely depressed following my breakup and had to take 5 months off work on sick leave as I was unable to leave the house. I was prescribed an anti-depressant and it helped unbelievably well. Have you spoken to a doctor about how you're feeling?

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

But do you think the dumpers look back and remember too in any way?

 

Everyone is different. Some will, some won't. I was a dumper at one stage, and I still think of her from time to time. Not in a romantic way, just nostalgic. Fact is, if they broke it off it means they had a reason and didn't think it was worth keeping on. Perhaps they just didn't feel as strongly as you. That's life; the ones you love don't always love you back.

[TheDovic]

8 months....its not that I miss him in general but I miss having a relationship. Since hes the only one I have had a relationship with I tend to think of him.

 

Think this is a really logical way to look at things. I miss having a relationship too but I know I'm not ready for another serious one just yet. In time though. Good luck!

[not-a-drive-by]

One more week til 4 months since BU for us. I have been busy these past few days, so he has been out of my mind for a bit. But today, it slowed down in the afternoon, and I started missing him again . I looked at a photo we had taken together months ago, and when I looked at his face, it felt like there is a huge distance between us. It feels like he has all of a sudden become a stranger. Someone I no longer know L(. If I am feeling like this, what is he feeling...if anything...

[KatZee]

Giving him a second chance , to prove that he has changed. It was an abusive relationship, and he has issues. Common sense would say I should stay the heck away from him, but he kept texting me from random numbers, and calling me. I'm giving this one last shot. If he ****s up, he ****s up, and I'm walking. I'm 100% in, but that doesn't mean I will take more abuse; so, that 100% depends on HIM, and how much HE is "in". That was my point. As for what I meant when I said I don't care if it doesn't work out: I meant that I'm not going to cry my eyes out like I did 2 weeks ago. I was traumatized, and these past 2 weeks I've been trying to process the trauma and shield myself from the same type of pain in the future. Sure, I will be disappointed, etc., but I will move on and just tell myself that it wasn't meant to be. There's nothing more I can do at this point, really.

 

 

 

Really? If he ****s up after I give him a second chance, it's my fault? I don't see it that way.

 

Yes, it is on you. Some people don't deserve second chances. If he made a small mistake, and you gave him a second chance, fine. But this guy is TOXIC. Toxic to you, toxic in a relationship. He's not good news, and you've been shown this. He's abusive, disrespectful, etc etc. You are already acknowledging you're going to be disappointed.

 

This isn't a second chance, this is very clear denial of who this person is, and a very naive belief that he's somehow "changed" now. He's not. He's going to tell you exactly what you want to hear to get you back, and then do exactly what he did the last time around.

 

You're already acknowledging that this is what's going to happen, so yes, getting back and going through this again is 110% on you.

 

You should be walking forward, not meddling in the past.

[Jingle14]

One more week til 4 months since BU for us. I have been busy these past few days, so he has been out of my mind for a bit. But today, it slowed down in the afternoon, and I started missing him again . I looked at a photo we had taken together months ago, and when I looked at his face, it felt like there is a huge distance between us. It feels like he has all of a sudden become a stranger. Someone I no longer know L(. If I am feeling like this, what is he feeling...if anything...

 

And that is the million dollar question we would all like to know. We presume - or i know i do - they are happy and that we never cross their minds but is this always the case, just dont know.

[paperboy48]

Don't fret. With the ex before the most recent one, I thought I'd never get over her. It took me about 4 years. Or maybe more like 3. I think I was just so used to missing her that once I really thought about it, I realized I was over it. You'll get to that point eventually. =)

 

Did you date during those three years?

[Charlotted29]

@Charlotted29 I know what it feels like to be in such despair you can't work. When my fiancee dumped me I couldn't work for almost 6 months. Luckily for me my employer allowed me to take it as stress leave so I didn't lose my job.

 

The moral of this story is that I was in such a bad place after 5 months that I couldn't work, go out and I was severely depressed... BUT now I'm doing a lot better. Although I have relapsed in general I am doing better and this should give hope as if I could change things so can you!

 

Dovic, I also had leave from work, about 2 months, but I felt so guilty about having it off and getting sick pay that I decided to leave. I wasn't that happy in the job anyway (call centre) so I saw therapists and worked through everything until I was well enough to work again (this was also 6 months). I never thought anyone would react as badly as me to a break up but it shows just how important these things mean to us.

 

Now around 7 months, like you I still have relapses. I cried for an hour last night after I saw the ex's new gf's facebook and how happy they seemed together. I know... I shouldn't have looked, but sometimes curiosity gets the better of you, you want to know why you ex chose this person over you.

 

She is now it appears best mates with all of his friends, and has got close with his family. She volunteers, and although vulgar in her vocab (which he as an immature 25 year old he probably finds endearing) she seems perfect for him. This hurts ALOT, and I can only describe my feelings as constantly 'glum'. I really worry that I can never find that level of normalcy and contentment again.

[River Rain]

Thirteen hours ago. Although I knew it was over three weeks ago, so I had that time to grieve until he dumped me by email last night.

 

I sincerely hope that I won't ever be missing him...but I think if I do, it won't be him, it'll be because I'm alone and missing affection.

[lemondrops11]

3 and a half months. I ended it (had too many 'doubts' throughout). Still think about him 24/7 and miss him terribly though. He was my best friend and first love

 

I know everyone talks about dumpers as though we're an evil force and it being a lot easier for us but I don't think that's always the case.

[TheDovic]

Dovic, I also had leave from work, about 2 months, but I felt so guilty about having it off and getting sick pay that I decided to leave. I wasn't that happy in the job anyway (call centre) so I saw therapists and worked through everything until I was well enough to work again (this was also 6 months). I never thought anyone would react as badly as me to a break up but it shows just how important these things mean to us.

 

Now around 7 months, like you I still have relapses. I cried for an hour last night after I saw the ex's new gf's facebook and how happy they seemed together. I know... I shouldn't have looked, but sometimes curiosity gets the better of you, you want to know why you ex chose this person over you.

 

She is now it appears best mates with all of his friends, and has got close with his family. She volunteers, and although vulgar in her vocab (which he as an immature 25 year old he probably finds endearing) she seems perfect for him. This hurts ALOT, and I can only describe my feelings as constantly 'glum'. I really worry that I can never find that level of normalcy and contentment again.

 

I worry about the same thing and have really started to question if I can ever love again. But then I see a lot of people on this site saying the same things I used to say which gives me hope because when I've been at different stages I've also felt like things would never change.

 

Initially I thought I would never stop crying... but I did! Then I was worried I'd never be able to go back to a normal life i.e. work, socialising etc... but I did! Then I was worried I might never be attracted to another girl... but I was wrong here too! Now I'm worried I will never love again, but given that I have been proven wrong these other times I have hope that what I (and you) am experiencing at present is perfectly normal and all part of grieving for a lost love.

 

Moral of the story is our brain tells us certain things and the intensity of the accompanying emotion makes us believe it is true. But simply feeling something does not make it fact. So for now we're allowed to think things will never change because that is just where we are at present!

[TheDovic]

3 and a half months. I ended it (had too many 'doubts' throughout). Still think about him 24/7 and miss him terribly though. He was my best friend and first love

 

I know everyone talks about dumpers as though we're an evil force and it being a lot easier for us but I don't think that's always the case.

 

Hey Lemondrops. Sorry things are so bad for you at present. Just to reassure you I don't think all dumpers are evil, but I'm sure you can understand why some people on this site think that as they have just had their hearts broken.

 

I agree dumpers aren't evil because I was dumped by a girl who still cries everytime she sees me as she misses me so much, but she doesn't want me back. So after 15 months she is still suffering which tells me it must have really hurt her to end things, but she must have thought it was for the best!