abbey3 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] I have been with my boyfriend 15 months- it has been a rocky road yet we always seem to remain together. My boyfriend is 7 years older than me and i am his first committed relationship in around 5 years. He had no problem committing to me (making me his girlfriend, introducing me to his family and friends, spending all his time with me, booking holidays together) However he was always quite pessimistic about the future and liked to 'take things as they come'. I know he has a fear of dependency and this comes from a bad childhood and the fact he was depended on from a young age. However it has led to me being insecure and constantly worried about the future. When i ask him about the future he says he wants a future with me and doesn’t want to be with anyone else. But he never really openly talks about it. My next biggest problem is Love. I will admit because i felt insecure i pushed it from a very early stage. He told me he would never say anything he didn’t feel and would always be honest. He now tells me he loves me but if i ask if he is in love with me he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what it feels like. Things have got so bad we have started going for counselling together because we both want to make this work. Am i wasting my time though? does he know already im not the one which is why he wont tell me he is in love with me? I know he cares about me and loves me, but if he doesn’t feel in love with me am i setting myself up for heartbreak? Now when he does tell me he loves me im uncomfortable because I feel like he is just saying it to keep me happy. Is he staying with me because we have fun and he likes being with me for now? Then i wonder why he would bother with counselling. I feel maybe i should give him more time...but how long? Im so confused, any advice?
loveunlimited Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 my thoughts are jumbled.... he needs' fixing' because of his past but you can't fix him, he has to do that. it's only been 15 months but i would say generally people are sure of themselves much earlier than this. unless he sees a therapist and addresses his issues (if he admits he has them and that they even need addressing) this problem will carry on. you want him to be someone he can't be. you have to decide what you want because he already knows. he doesn't want to be rushed, cornered of committed ahead of any time he's ready. you want, need? more. Your next move is your choice. it doesn't depend on him, it depends on you. decide.
Author abbey3 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 Thankyou for your reply.. I agree with you i cant change him, and maybe yes i do need more. But my biggest fear is that he dosent really love me. He wants me to move in with him next year, and he tells me he isnt scared of commitment but that he dosent like to rush things. Think im just scared of being strung along...
loveunlimited Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 what do you mean, biggest fear? he has already told you he doesn't love you. He said he loves you but doesn't know if he's in love with you, by now, he should pretty well know. Now it sounds to me rather than him having fallen out of love with you he is just holding himself back right from the beginning and preventing himself from opening up. that's his problem, and as i said, in therapy one he should address, if he even wants to go down that road. but you can't let it be your problem or let it bind you. he doesn't love you the way you want, and no amount of hanging on will change that. get out now. that alone may be the catalyst he needs to want to address his issues, but if he doesn't then i was right. You're not the one, and he won't change. 1
Author abbey3 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 Again thankyou for your honest reply. We allready are going to therapy together..surely that is a sign he wants to make it work?
loveunlimited Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Again thankyou for your honest reply. We allready are going to therapy together..surely that is a sign he wants to make it work? not necessarily. who organised the therapy, or suggested it? How open is he during sessions? do you suspect he's holding back? finding the problem, isn't the cure to the problem, it depends on how hard he wants to work at this. or if actually it's even worth it. therapy isn't designed to keep people together, it's designed to keep people focussed but you may actually not be compatible, it happens. at the risk of repeating myself, he can't give you what it seems you want, and if he hasn't been able to fulfil your needs up to now, even therapy may not change it, it may just confirm it. darling, hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
Author abbey3 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 I suggested the councelling, and he has been open in sessions. However we dont really focus on him having an 'issue' as such... just more on the fact that i dont feel loved or that he is fully commmited to me. I have always over anylyzed and worried about things but i feel i actually have a valid point this time! He has explained that he is scared of being depended on and that he has never really felt in love with anyone before. You are right he isnt giving me what i want..but im just worried i am pushing it too hard (i have done this for the past 8 months or so) and maybe if i can relax a little things will naturally happen...
FitChick Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I doubt any man could give you what you want. Only you can do that. You should continue with some sort of therapy on your own as it seems your own therapist takes that point of view. Your boyfriend seems very clear on the situation. He is taking things one step at a time. How old are you both? 1
loveunlimited Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Yeah, you're right, maybe they will. or maybe you can waste another 8 months relaxing this time, and once he sees you have taken the pressure off, he will realise you have complacently accepted the situation, you 'get it' and you're cosy with the fact that he's 'afraid to commit' and you're happy to just go along with the ride. "However we dont really focus on him having an 'issue' as such... just more on the fact that i dont feel loved or that he is fully commmited to me.". And how is this working? What solutions have come forward? how does he plan to remedy that? What measures has he voiced to se whether he can at least meet you half way? Oh my God woman - forgive my being blunt, but just how many red flags do you need waved under your nose before you finally get that this is not the relationship of your life, because he isn't treating it like you are? You cannot compensate for his failings to input what you need, you cannot love enough for 2.
Mrlonelyone Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 (edited) A man may change but if it's a real, genuine, change it will be for him not you. Some people need to hear the I love yous. Some people don't. He is who he is, could you live with him if he did not change? Can you be comfortable with who he is? Relationship counselling can change how you both relate to each other, not who you are. You choose how you will be treated by who you lay with. Edited September 25, 2012 by Mrlonelyone 1
Quiet Storm Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I think 15 months is long enough know if he's in love with you. He already knows you and what you have to offer, so waiting will just drag this out. He seems content to stay in the relationship because he likes you and you provide him companionship. Since you want more than that, I would say that you two are not compatible.
Author abbey3 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 I doubt any man could give you what you want. Only you can do that. You should continue with some sort of therapy on your own as it seems your own therapist takes that point of view. Your boyfriend seems very clear on the situation. He is taking things one step at a time. How old are you both? I am 21 he is 27.. I know it sounds like I am being a fool!! Maybe I am.. But the fact that he is commited to me in so many ways makes me wonder if I am over reacting. Spends all his time with me and wants me to move in, and was willing To go for councelling in order to help us. Neither of us want to settle down anytime soon but because I am so worried About the future it's all I focus on. I can accept him as he is now if I felt he did love me-but I don't. But I also don't want to leave as I feel I could be throwing away a good relationship
CarrieT Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I am 21 he is 27.. I know it sounds like I am being a fool!! Nope - sounds like you are maturing into a young woman who doesn't really know what it means to be in an adult relationship. A LOT is going to happen and change for you emotionally over the next five to ten years. Too much to try and force a permanent relationship who is just coming out of what you are about to enter. Take your time and don't worry too much about trying to find definitive answers in therapy; at your age, they don't exist yet. Trust me - I've been there. I was in therapy from the age of 18 to 28, trying to figure out exactly what you are right now with various partnership who "loved me but couldn't say they were in love with me." It will all be far more clear as you approach your 30s.
Quiet Storm Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 If it's a matter of him feeling the love but just not expressing it in ways that you can feel it, he can learn that. There is a book called the Five Love Languages that explains how people have different love styles. For example, many men have "acts of service" as a love language. They may fix things for you, carry your groceries, warm up your car as a way of showing they love you...but if your love language is "physical affection", you won't feel loved. The books teaches you ways to express love in your partners "love language" and not just your own.
Author abbey3 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 Nope - sounds like you are maturing into a young woman who doesn't really know what it means to be in an adult relationship. A LOT is going to happen and change for you emotionally over the next five to ten years. Too much to try and force a permanent relationship who is just coming out of what you are about to enter. Take your time and don't worry too much about trying to find definitive answers in therapy; at your age, they don't exist yet. Trust me - I've been there. I was in therapy from the age of 18 to 28, trying to figure out exactly what you are right now with various partnership who "loved me but couldn't say they were in love with me." It will all be far more clear as you approach your 30s. He tells me this the last relationship i was in was very young, we were in love (or So i thought) and it was easy Now I'm in this relationship and it's confusing!! And I would say I am a mature person... When you say you have been here before, do you think it's worth sticking out and stop forcing things and have fun? Or is it better to cut ties now? I know no one can tell me what to do if you have been there before what is your advice?
FitChick Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Actions speak louder than words. I'd much rather have a guy act like he loved me instead of saying he loved me but his actions said the opposite. Talk is cheap.
Author abbey3 Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Actions speak louder than words. I'd much rather have a guy act like he loved me instead of saying he loved me but his actions said the opposite. Talk is cheap. This is his opinion also- that actions speak louder than words. And he really does treat we well and show me that he loves me. But its so difficult because i dont really believe he is really in love with me i am desperate to hear those words for reassurance.
LittlePrince Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Keep pushing. Maybe you can push him into a marriage and then a quickie divorce.
Author abbey3 Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Keep pushing. Maybe you can push him into a marriage and then a quickie divorce. I dont want to push thats the point. I want to learn to relax and just enjoy my relationship and let things naturally happen. Which is what he has asked me for too. But if thats the case will i end up heartbroken down the line as he never really was that into me.
LittlePrince Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I dont want to push thats the point. I want to learn to relax and just enjoy my relationship and let things naturally happen. Which is what he has asked me for too. But if thats the case will i end up heartbroken down the line as he never really was that into me. You are only with him because he isn't easy with the love thing. You love the conflict.
Author abbey3 Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 You are only with him because he isn't easy with the love thing. You love the conflict. No i definatley do not like the conflict!! and i dont believe that a relationship should have this much conflict in either. I just want to feel secure and confortable in the relationship, maybe its something i need to work on myself as i am depending on him for my hapiness.
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