Do you want others to think your family members are great too?

[Thinkalot]

I do. Especially my mum. I want everyone to like her....especially my fiance. I am an only child, and for many years it felt like mum and I against the world. I know she has faults. I see them now (I didnt when I was younger....in fact I didn't until a few years back!). I love her so much though, I have come to realise I want to shield her faults from others.

 

She got angry about some stuff on the weekend. She acted emotionally and unfairly. My fiance knew...because he heard my phone conversation with her, and saw my tears afterwards. his also seen it happen before, and for a time, he and mum did not get on at all. They do now though, which has made me even more determined it seems, to try and shield any of her faults from him.

 

Yesterday she said sorry...I forgave and was ready to move on like nothing happened. Of course my fiance is a lot more wary, and while he'll also move on,he won't forget. And it certainly hasn't built any extra closeness.

 

Now, my main lingering upset, is that...that I wish he had not seen that side of her...that he could just see her many good points...and think she was terrific. He thinks she's nice, and helps her out etc, because she is my mum. That's it. He also finds some things she does extremely frustrating, and does judge some of her actions.

 

He said I'm always jumping to her defence, and trying to protect her. I realised, I do! I also feel so dissapointed and sad if she acts in a way which is not fair...I want her to be all these wonderful things I guess. For so many years, I looked to mum for guidance, and really could see no wrong in her.

 

Can anyone relate?? Is this how parents feel about their kids? Can anyone help me understand why I do this, or how I can try and let go of this need to have everyone so perfect between everyone else...and to have this vision of my perfect mum?

 

I've struggled with this one for some time.

[johan]

Here's my take on it.

 

1: You should be completely loyal to your mother. But that doesn't require you either to ignore or to try to conceal the crappy parts of her behavior. Trying to cover for her is actually kind of disloyal if you think about it. It's a form of rejection. You may not agree with everything she does, but you need to respect her by letting her be whoever she is.

 

2: You aren't responsible for her relationships with other people. I believe every two people should negotiate their own relationship. It's best for you to let your fiancee and your mom work out their own problems as much as possible. That's how I've handled things with my girlfriend's daughter. Don't complicate it by trying to manage it. They may never see eye to eye, but you have to have relationships with both of them. Hopefully they can develop enough respect for each other that you can all enjoy being together. But it isn't your job to make it happen. Maybe it will work out better if you just let it happen.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks for that Johan. You are right. Fortunately we can all enjoy time together now, which in itself is a good thing, and I should be relieved we have that. They wont ever be best buds, and that's OK too I realise. At least we can be happy when we are all together...even if the relationship between them doesn't go too deep.

 

As for shielding the crappy parts of her behaviour--yes, I suppose I should just accept it, and stop worrying about how that changes the way my fiance sees her. I guess I can't control that ...and wanting them to be each others best friend, just because I love them both, is living in a fairytale.