When will I feel better?

[yuppup]

I feel like I'm stuck in a perpetual state of sorrow. It's like the emotions of the breakup fused with the mourning of the loss of my dog, and I just can't move forward. I haven't even begun to accept it.

 

I stupidly broke NC yesterday, only to say that I couldn't believe she threw me away like this. It was so dumb and I totally regret it.

 

What's the next step in my healing? I'm even debating seeking help, but I don't know if that's too extreme. Is this numbness normal? I cried a lot in the beginning, but now I'm just shocked and so hurt.

 

I'm reasonably certain that she left me for someone new. That pretty much seals the deal for me that I do not want her back. No bargaining here that we could change and work this out. I just want to be happy again.

[Calico]

You broke NC yesterday, so yes, it's normal that you have been thrown back to a place near square one. What did you do and what happened?

 

How long has it been since the breakup? Besides NC, what have you been doing to feel better and to move on? As for professional help, there is never any harm in seeing someone , even if it may not be necessary.

[yuppup]

It's been almost 3 weeks. We had a very bad on again/off again relationship toward the end, and it was also a very abusive relationship. I feel like the emotions that I blocked from each time she hurt me during the relationship are all coming back.

 

I emailed her yesterday just to say how she picked the worst way to break up with me. It was dumb and I don't know what I was expecting. It's like I want an apology for all the times she has hurt me or screamed at me or hit me, but I know I'll never get it.

 

I feel like I'm finally out of denial of how bad it was. The abuse and everything. Emotions from stuff she did to me years or months ago are what I'm really trying to process. They just came out of nowhere, and I'm just in shock.

 

To better myself, I've been focusing on school. I also started doing yoga again, and lots of working out. I try not to have my social life revolve around a bar. I actually haven't gone out drinking since it happened, except for last night. Now I know to avoid that. I feel like the morning after, the depression is even worse than before. I also volunteered my time to the upcoming film festival. I just want as much positive socializing as I can get. I was really cut off for years from making new friends because of her extreme jealousy, and now I'm trying to meet as many people as I can.

[Calico]

For such a short period of time, everything you feel is "normal" in the sense that nothing about what happened feels "normal". Those waves of emotions, and lack of emotions, will be there for some time. It may get worse before it gets better.

 

You're fine. You'll be fine.

 

A few disorganized thoughts:

 

I think that maybe half of our problem is that we attach labels to events. What happened to us is "bad", we "didn't deserve this", it was "unfair", what they "did to us" is "terrible", and so on. By thinking this way, we victimize ourselves, which doesn't make us feel any better, but it gives us a bit of a sense of an identity. I feel that we could probably benefit from judging less and accepting more. From accepting that "things happen", without attaching a label to them. Most "bad things" are blessings in disguise. Life happens, death happens, sadness happens, happiness happens. It's just what it is, it's neither "this" or "that", it just "is".

 

Feeling sad, desperate, hopeless, unloved, rejected, all of this is "normal" in a time where what gave us a sense of normality and stability has crashed and burnt. What gets us stuck is that we keep telling ourselves the same stories over and over. It's the loop of "It should never have happened.", "If I had only know ...", "This hurt me so much.", "What if I had/hadn't ...", "Why did this happen to me..." thoughts. Then we re-live the situation that caused us sadness, over and over. It may be worthwhile to break out of the circular thinking by asking ourselves a pointed question: "What am I telling myself that makes me feel sad/hopeless/unhappy/hurt?".

 

The only reality you'll ever have is the present moment. The past is insubstantial and you can't go back to it and change it (you can drag it into the present and re-live it, but you still can't change what happened). The future is just an illusion. It's something you imagine as being either a little bit better or a little bit worse than your current situation, but you simply don't know what will happen.

 

So, there's the moment. Focus on the present -- ask yourself what right now is the problem, and if there is one at all. Not five minutes ago or in an hour, but now, this red hot second. If there is a problem, what is it? Then proceed to ask yourself if there is something you can do to change this problem. Do you want to? If there is nothing you can do, can you remove yourself from the situation? No? Then how about accepting it as something that right now you can't do anything about, so just surrender to it for the moment. Life happens now.

 

Life is ever-changing, and what we go through right now is proof of that. It's easy to label this as "bad", but if the "good times" (which weren't really so fantastic, or we wouldn't be in this spot) came to an end, so will the "bad times" (which really aren't so bad, because in spite of the pain and despair, we are a lot more alive than we were when everything was seemingly "fine"). Life keeps being birthed. It never stops bringing you new people, events, opportunities, "things", and yes, love too. But to see and experience these offerings you have to be present in the moment. You miss out on them if you are too busy telling yourself the stories of the past.

 

There, some thoughts that have been floating through my mind. I'm not always in an emotional place where I find appreciation in this utter mess so many of us are in, but there is comfort in knowing that these things-to-appreciate do exist. Look for them. Find the aspects about this situation that are worthy of your appreciation and gratefulness. Seize them and hug them.