Need to tell my story and get some input!

[fillintheblank]

Ok here goes. Please don't slam me. I know this was wrong. I need some support, please. It all started 4 years ago. I'm not even sure how it started. I started talking to a coworker and it lead from there. At the start he was NOT married but was with the girl he ended up marrying. I was and still am married. It (as always) started out as us just talking, being friends. I didn't think of him in that way. He had a great sense of humor and I enjoyed the laughs but didn't think about him once he walked away. I, in a way, think he kind of liked (crushing on) me before I did him because he would go out of his way to talk to me and spend as much time with me as possible. He would show up when I was taking a break every time he could. Then one day I did start thinking of him more. That lead to flirting and flirting lead to touching and touching lead to us meeting each other. I liked him but I didn't think I would develop feelings for him. Boy was I WRONG! After we met the first time he went cold for a bit then he started to warm up after a while saying it was guilt. That seemed to be the theme with him. He was hot and cold. Anyway, I have made it very clear that I am open to meeting again. He said he cant go through with it but does want to but again he CANT(wont) do it. He is nice to me, still talks to me a lot although not as much as he did in the beginning. He even still flirts with me and sometimes brings up stuff we have done together. So my question is, why does he act this way if he isn't interested in continuing our affair. If he was truly done with me wouldn't he avoid me or at least have very little to do with me? And why does he bring up past meetings? If I was finished with someone I wouldn't want to talk to them unless I had too and even then I would make it short as possible. I am so confused by him. If this has been going on for 4 years does that mean he is unhappy in his marriage? I am having a really hard time with this. Part of me wants to tell him where to go and part of me( the bigger part) wants to hold on in hopes he comes back. I am a mess. Please, any advice and take on this would be great. Again, I know it was wrong and some will say I deserve this but please refrain from pointing that out.

[underwater2010]

So my question is, why does he act this way if he isn't interested in continuing our affair. If he was truly done with me wouldn't he avoid me or at least have very little to do with me?

 

He is keeping his options open. The only thing stopping him is the guilt. Also, the only thing you guys have in common is work and the affair.

 

And why does he bring up past meetings?

 

Same as above

 

If I was finished with someone I wouldn't want to talk to them unless I had too and even then I would make it short as possible. I am so confused by him. If this has been going on for 4 years does that mean he is unhappy in his marriage?

 

Actually no. Your affair started before he even married her. Also, you can turn the question on yourself. Why do you care if the affair is over? Are you not happy in your marriage?

 

I am having a really hard time with this. Part of me wants to tell him where to go and part of me( the bigger part) wants to hold on in hopes he comes back. I am a mess. Please, any advice and take on this would be great. Again, I know it was wrong and some will say I deserve this but please refrain from pointing that out.

 

Part of you moving on will come for others pointing out what you did is wrong. That being said you have to want to move on yourself. Is does not sound like you want to at this point.

 

If you want an absolute answer as to if you should wait, then tell him your feelings. Let him know that you want him. See what his response is. Then you need to be willing to come clean with your husband and ask for a divorce.

 

If you want to be finished then quit talking to him about anything other than work. In fact I would try to find another job. Seeing him everyday is just a reminder of what you were doing.

[fillintheblank]

He is keeping his options open. The only thing stopping him is the guilt. Also, the only thing you guys have in common is work and the affair. The guilt part may be true but we do have a lot in common besides work/affair. We talked a lot before the affair and we are a lot alike. That and the laughs are the reasons I could talk to him so much.

 

 

Actually no. Your affair started before he even married her. Also, you can turn the question on yourself. Why do you care if the affair is over? Are you not happy in your marriage? I am complacent in my marriage.

 

Part of you moving on will come for others pointing out what you did is wrong. That being said you have to want to move on yourself. Is does not sound like you want to at this point.

 

If you want an absolute answer as to if you should wait, then tell him your feelings. Let him know that you want him. See what his response is. Then you need to be willing to come clean with your husband and ask for a divorce.

I did tell OM that I wanted him. Thats when he said he Wants to but Cant .

[underwater2010]

He is keeping his options open. The only thing stopping him is the guilt. Also, the only thing you guys have in common is work and the affair. The guilt part may be true but we do have a lot in common besides work/affair. We talked a lot before the affair and we are a lot alike. That and the laughs are the reasons I could talk to him so much.

 

 

Actually no. Your affair started before he even married her. Also, you can turn the question on yourself. Why do you care if the affair is over? Are you not happy in your marriage? I am complacent in my marriage.

 

Part of you moving on will come for others pointing out what you did is wrong. That being said you have to want to move on yourself. Is does not sound like you want to at this point.

 

If you want an absolute answer as to if you should wait, then tell him your feelings. Let him know that you want him. See what his response is. Then you need to be willing to come clean with your husband and ask for a divorce.

I did tell OM that I wanted him. Thats when he said he Wants to but Cant .

 

That means that he is done. Do both of yourselves a favor and stop all communication that does not have to do with work. It might hurt for awhile, but it will get better. Niether one of you are available for a relationship. You are both MARRIED. I would tell him that you are both going NC. And you have to mean it. Please realize that if the BSs find out there will be hell to pay for both of you.

 

Since you work together, do you have to communicate or do you work in other departments?

[fillintheblank]

Since you work together, do you have to communicate or do you work in other departments? We work together in the same department a lot. Our jobs depend on us communicating.

[whichwayisup]

What is it you're really looking for or hoping to happen? To continue the A and continue to be married? Or are you looking for him to end his marriage so then you can divorce your husband, then the two of you will get together, make a go of it?

 

Do you have children to consider in this mess? I say mess because sooner or later your husband IS going to find out the truth..Someone you work with might spill it to him, or he'll find out on his own. Or MM's wife could find out and tell your husband. Work place affairs are hard to hide, especially since you two work together so closely.. Don't you think others in your office are talking about this when you two aren't around?

 

I say tell your H the truth so he can decide if he wants to fix things with you or end the marriage. To stay and continue to sneak around, lie to him and give your heart and body to another man isn't fair to your husband. How would you feel if the situation was reversed and it was your husband doing this behind your back with one of his female collegues? Give that some thought.

[underwater2010]

Since you work together, do you have to communicate or do you work in other departments? We work together in the same department a lot. Our jobs depend on us communicating.

Then you need to figure out what you want. If it is your husband, I would look for a transfer or another job. It does not sound as though you and your AP have good bounderies. At least not enough to just talk work and that is it.

 

Let us know what you decide.

[Artie Lang]

what is it you're asking, exactly?

 

how to get him to keep the affair going?

 

sounds like he's grown a conscience.

[MissBee]

Ok here goes. Please don't slam me. I know this was wrong. I need some support, please. It all started 4 years ago. I'm not even sure how it started. I started talking to a coworker and it lead from there. At the start he was NOT married but was with the girl he ended up marrying. I was and still am married. It (as always) started out as us just talking, being friends. I didn't think of him in that way. He had a great sense of humor and I enjoyed the laughs but didn't think about him once he walked away. I, in a way, think he kind of liked (crushing on) me before I did him because he would go out of his way to talk to me and spend as much time with me as possible. He would show up when I was taking a break every time he could. Then one day I did start thinking of him more. That lead to flirting and flirting lead to touching and touching lead to us meeting each other. I liked him but I didn't think I would develop feelings for him. Boy was I WRONG! After we met the first time he went cold for a bit then he started to warm up after a while saying it was guilt. That seemed to be the theme with him. He was hot and cold. Anyway, I have made it very clear that I am open to meeting again. He said he cant go through with it but does want to but again he CANT(wont) do it. He is nice to me, still talks to me a lot although not as much as he did in the beginning. He even still flirts with me and sometimes brings up stuff we have done together. So my question is, why does he act this way if he isn't interested in continuing our affair. If he was truly done with me wouldn't he avoid me or at least have very little to do with me? And why does he bring up past meetings? If I was finished with someone I wouldn't want to talk to them unless I had too and even then I would make it short as possible. I am so confused by him. If this has been going on for 4 years does that mean he is unhappy in his marriage? I am having a really hard time with this. Part of me wants to tell him where to go and part of me( the bigger part) wants to hold on in hopes he comes back. I am a mess. Please, any advice and take on this would be great. Again, I know it was wrong and some will say I deserve this but please refrain from pointing that out.

 

You're married right? Are you unhappy in your marriage?

 

It seems as though he wants to do the right thing and be done with the A...that said, it's not always easy for people to decide this and never look back. He is around you and probably still acts that way out of habit and because he's not putting any real effort into stopping.

 

As a married OW the dynamics are different. The single OW can be the one to expect the MM to make some decision, decide to be with her, etc. If you're a married OW...then you have some of the same responsibilities/decisions a MM has. Are you done with your H? What do you expect out of this A? Do you want it to go on forever? Do you want it to turn into a real R? Or do you simply want this man's attention and your ego is bruised because he's decided to be done?

 

You have some choices to make yourself....even if you "figure him out"....then what?

[fillintheblank]

What do you expect out of this A? Do you want it to go on forever? Do you want it to turn into a real R? Or do you simply want this man's attention and your ego is bruised because he's decided to be done?

I think you nailed it with that part. Thanks for making me realize something that should be so obvious but wasn't.

[fillintheblank]

What is it you're really looking for or hoping to happen? To continue the A and continue to be married? Or are you looking for him to end his marriage so then you can divorce your husband, then the two of you will get together, make a go of it?

 

Do you have children to consider in this mess? I say mess because sooner or later your husband IS going to find out the truth..Someone you work with might spill it to him, or he'll find out on his own. Or MM's wife could find out and tell your husband. Work place affairs are hard to hide, especially since you two work together so closely.. Don't you think others in your office are talking about this when you two aren't around?

 

I say tell your H the truth so he can decide if he wants to fix things with you or end the marriage. To stay and continue to sneak around, lie to him and give your heart and body to another man isn't fair to your husband. How would you feel if the situation was reversed and it was your husband doing this behind your back with one of his female collegues? Give that some thought.

No. Neither of us have children.

[Artie Lang]

maybe he's just tired of the "same 'ol thing." i mean, it has been going on for 4 years now.

 

he got his fill, already.

 

 

do your husband a favor-- DIVORCE him.

Edited September 26, 2012 by Artie Lang