QuarterSnr Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 OK, a little advice perhaps. I'm gay and have been seeing this girl for 6 months things are mostly great (aside a slight wobble when she had an issue with her father and decided to shut everybody out completely). She lives in the next town over so seeing eachother can be difficult but not impossible We met through a sports team. About a year ago, before we got together my girlfriend and this other girl on the team looked like they were going to get together at one point - our coach who's a bit of a female dog, waded in and sabotaged that for them. I've been seeing my girlfriend since March and basically this other girl and my girlfriend are now best friends, family-like (as has now been explained to me). They both live and work in the same town - the other girl works in town at a bar so has late hours and such but lives on the outskirts and my girl lives close to town and they crash at eachother's houses from time to time out of convenience. OK, safety, I get that. Walking home at stupid o clock in the morning in the dark isn't safe. (This other girl now has a boyfriend and they are crazy happy together). The thing is, they sleep in the same bed whenever they stay over eachother's places and it makes me really uncomfortable. (There's another girl my girlfriend works with who stays over sometimes - there is a camp bed that she uses.) I mentioned it to my girlfriend, quite casually that it as a matter of fact makes me fairly uncomfortable that she sleeps in a bed with this girl and she took like a day to think about it and was like "Well, I'll guess we'll have to find an alternate arrangement..." in a fairly disgruntled tone. I don't know if she sees it from where I am. We're gay. It just... I don't know. I went to a mutual friend, also dating a girl and just sortof said, "Is this normal in a relationship? Am I allowed to be uncomfortable with that?". I do have anxiety and overthink so wanted to know if it was just me or not. My girlfriend overheard and now she says that I'm supposed to be the one person she can talk to etc. She feels like my talking to somebody else about it is a "betrayal of trust". Is it? (I have a chronic illness so the sports team are the only people I see outside of the house, thus mutual friends). I DO trust my girlfriend, I just don't trust this other girl. Am I being unreasonable? Was my asking for advice on this (first serious relationship) a breach of trust...? I feel like it's a breach of my trust to an extent - she sleeps in a bed maybe every fortnight with a girl who she was almost involved with. When I stay at my girlfriend's, I always feel odd knowing that this other girl has been here, in my place. :-( (I didn't even know about it until she casually dropped that she and this girl had been watching TV in bed over the phone one night. I would've spoken to her beforehand if such a situation came up with me - or stick said person on the camp bed.) Is there some way I can help her see my side without her getting pissy? I have very strong feelings for my girlfriend... maybe it's just the big green monster. Is it ok to feel uncomfortable? (My girlfriend lives with her mother. They're moving out of their house and into temporary accommodation and maybe moving into a house or flat *with* this other girl - separate rooms and all but I do feel quite jealous as I feel uninvolved.)
darkmoon Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 (edited) "family-like (as has now been explained to me)" family-like = a red flag and they aren't taking your feelings into account - so i'd gently i'd ask them why they're not cuz instead they're expecting you to handle a loaded emotional gun, such is this bed-sharing of theirs, i couldn't handle it, she could sleep on the couch give an ultimatum or date others to cheer yourself up they're making you sad and either they care about that or they don't, i'm sorry for you xx Edited September 25, 2012 by darkmoon
Emilia Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 (I didn't even know about it until she casually dropped that she and this girl had been watching TV in bed over the phone one night. I would've spoken to her beforehand if such a situation came up with me - or stick said person on the camp bed.) Is there some way I can help her see my side without her getting pissy? I have very strong feelings for my girlfriend... maybe it's just the big green monster. Is it ok to feel uncomfortable? (My girlfriend lives with her mother. They're moving out of their house and into temporary accommodation and maybe moving into a house or flat *with* this other girl - separate rooms and all but I do feel quite jealous as I feel uninvolved.) Of course it is ok, are you kidding me? Your girlfriend is sharing her bed with someone who could be a potential lover. She should understand how that makes you feel and put an end to sleep in the same bed with this girl. If she doesn't show any understanding and isn't putting an end to it, she is selfish and you should dump her ass. No question about it. 1
Author QuarterSnr Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Thankyou for your advice. We've talked about the bed sharing thing and she still doesn't get it ("she's my best friend") but she will put a stop to it. Now, the thing is, she still says I've betrayed her trust as I was talking about her feelings to the mutual friend in regards to the bed thing. This is incorrect. I was saying that I never know how she feels because she doesn't show it and that I was worried that she doesn't care. How is my talking about this a betrayal of trust? She won't talk to me about it or gets exceedingly defensive, i.e the bed thing so I'm at a loss as to what to do about it, hence my talking to the mutual friend. The night she overheard, the girl involved drunkenly sits me down and is all "I would never do anything... I love both of you guys, you're awesome etc". I pointed out that this means she had effectively told the girl about something we'd talked about. My girlfriend argues that it involves her so she had to tell her that I was unhappy with it. The fact that this other girl has blabbed to me something that they've actually talked about as opposed to me talking about something we haven't talked about is more of a betrayal of trust than mine (if it even is one...?).
Emilia Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Thankyou for your advice. We've talked about the bed sharing thing and she still doesn't get it ("she's my best friend") but she will put a stop to it. Now, the thing is, she still says I've betrayed her trust as I was talking about her feelings to the mutual friend in regards to the bed thing. This is incorrect. I was saying that I never know how she feels because she doesn't show it and that I was worried that she doesn't care. I used to think this way too when I was younger until I learned to accept that people will seek their friends' opinions about relationships. The way I go about it is that I try to encourage my other half to talk to me rather than 'run' to someone else to talk. How is my talking about this a betrayal of trust? She won't talk to me about it or gets exceedingly defensive, i.e the bed thing so I'm at a loss as to what to do about it, hence my talking to the mutual friend. One golden rule I have is that I don't talk to anyone about anything sensitive UNLESS I raised it with my partner/bf first. Perhaps you can tell your girlfriend this. You tried to talk to her first but you felt you weren't getting anywhere and you felt you had to discuss it with someone else too. The night she overheard, the girl involved drunkenly sits me down and is all "I would never do anything... I love both of you guys, you're awesome etc". I pointed out that this means she had effectively told the girl about something we'd talked about. My girlfriend argues that it involves her so she had to tell her that I was unhappy with it. The fact that this other girl has blabbed to me something that they've actually talked about as opposed to me talking about something we haven't talked about is more of a betrayal of trust than mine (if it even is one...?). Your gf had to tell the other girl as now they aren't sharing a bed I'm assuming. The thing is though, when you make a stand it will be talked about, some will agree with it and some won't. It's what you want though so own it. Feel free to call other's BS on when you think they are taking the p***. People will eventually learn that you will stick up for yourself. Not a bad way to be
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