KansasChica Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 So, I dated some guys throughout my 20s, but just because they asked me out. I'm now 30 and looking back, I realize that I rarely (if ever) develop crushes on guys. If I did, it was for unavailable men or married men which I never acted on. I believe this is why I'm still struggling getting over my ex. It was one of the few times that my feelings were reciprocated. When I fell for him, I fell hard. It was one of the first times where I just couldn't wait to see him on a daily basis. Now that it's over, I'm having a hard time keeping hope that I will fall for someone else. At 30, I'm really ready to find someone. This is the first time I've really felt this way and one of the first times I've worried about my future happiness. Everyone says you have to be okay being alone and single before you can find a good relationship, but it's difficult because I'm feeling very anxious about the whole thing. Does anyone else have a hard time falling for people? Any advice?
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 So, I dated some guys throughout my 20s, but just because they asked me out. I'm now 30 and looking back, I realize that I rarely (if ever) develop crushes on guys. If I did, it was for unavailable men or married men which I never acted on. I believe this is why I'm still struggling getting over my ex. It was one of the few times that my feelings were reciprocated. When I fell for him, I fell hard. It was one of the first times where I just couldn't wait to see him on a daily basis. Now that it's over, I'm having a hard time keeping hope that I will fall for someone else. At 30, I'm really ready to find someone. This is the first time I've really felt this way and one of the first times I've worried about my future happiness. Everyone says you have to be okay being alone and single before you can find a good relationship, but it's difficult because I'm feeling very anxious about the whole thing. Does anyone else have a hard time falling for people? Any advice? I know that feeling of having a hard time getting over an ex. Honestly do online dating because its a faster means of meeting someone and you're 30 so you for sure don't don't want to waste time away you know? I personally have to opposite of that problem I fall in love with people like immediately especially if they like me too its like I am constantly liking someone and most of the time they just want sex... *******s
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Yeah, the older I am the harder it gets. I now get intense crushes that go away after two weeks. I don't remember last time I 'fell for someone"
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 When I was younger, I had many more crushes. As you get older, you become more discriminating about who you give your affection too. Although KansasChica, it kind of sounds like you purposely like unavailable guys and the men that are available to you may not get the best side of you. Perhaps you are over-romanticing your relationship with your ex because he is now also, unavailable to you. He won't be the last guy you can have strong feelings for. There will be someone else. But only when you are open to it. Right now you aren't. You might need a bit of a healing time.
DC4 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Perhaps you are over-romanticing your relationship with your ex because he is now also, unavailable to you. Oh I have been there. I am just climbing out of that mess right now. My new thing is to have little crushes that will never work out. Actually I have graduated to dating a man and waiting for the inevitable end that will be nothing short of a spectacular failure.
Mint Sauce Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Hi Kansas girl, 33 yrs old, 1 real crush so far, which lead to a 6yrs relationship (before she left me 3 months ago). I was married before that (10 yrs together with my ex-wife), but in hindsight never had a real crush on her. Just like you, I feel anxious to find the one, but worry as I've only experienced a real crush once. I don't want to wait another 10 years... So no, you're not alone. BUT, it's interesting that the girl that I did fall for so massively was at that time unattainable, as I was still married. Perhaps I needed that distance to not be overwhelmed with projections for the future. A kind of commitment fear, but in my case not entirely as I did marry, and never left my wife (she left me, partly because of me having falling for girl nr2). I think I've become more open-minded the last years, and hope that that will help me find someone new, but on the other hand, I've never met a candidate new partner the past 5 years... Nothing else we can do but see where life takes us, I guess.
Author KansasChica Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 Thanks all. I'm definitely trying the online dating route and trying to keep up the hope. All of my past SO's have been friends or acquaintances first and then it sparked into something more. I definitely have a habit of falling for unavailable men (or get into relationships that I knew weren't going to last). I've finally acknowledged that so I only hope that I can be more aware of it and move to something lasting (if only I can find that special someone)!
LittlePrince Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 So, I dated some guys throughout my 20s, but just because they asked me out. I'm now 30 and looking back, I realize that I rarely (if ever) develop crushes on guys. If I did, it was for unavailable men or married men which I never acted on. I believe this is why I'm still struggling getting over my ex. It was one of the few times that my feelings were reciprocated. When I fell for him, I fell hard. It was one of the first times where I just couldn't wait to see him on a daily basis. Now that it's over, I'm having a hard time keeping hope that I will fall for someone else. At 30, I'm really ready to find someone. This is the first time I've really felt this way and one of the first times I've worried about my future happiness. Everyone says you have to be okay being alone and single before you can find a good relationship, but it's difficult because I'm feeling very anxious about the whole thing. Does anyone else have a hard time falling for people? Any advice? Keep falling in and out of relationships. It worked before.
MrCastle Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 What is the definition of crushes here? I'm 24 and have had plenty of "crushes" (moderate emotional attachments) that either quickly faded or led to nothing. I've never been in love.
LittlePrince Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 What is the definition of crushes here? I'm 24 and have had plenty of "crushes" (moderate emotional attachments) that either quickly faded or led to nothing. I've never been in love. A crush isn't moderate.
Feelin Frisky Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Crushes don't happen by design. So ya can't force them. My crushes have always been a sudden realization that someone around me in my work or extra-curricula activity now seems ti be someone I overlooked and they seem like this magnet for my heart's interest-for better or worse.
Author KansasChica Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 I think my ex is still influencing my openness to other people as well. I loved what we had together- that comfort and ease. That was rare for me. I could depend on him, and well, he let me down. Now it's hard to make myself vulnerable again. I just feel jaded. I know I can't truly be interested in anyone else until I let him go, and that has been the ultimate struggle- probably the hardest in my life. 1
RogerWallace111 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 A crush isn't moderate. I'd say love isn't moderate, but a crush can be. I got my first post-ex crush a couple weekends ago. Waitress at a local spot, hadn't seen her before, was just so ****ing beautiful (in an understated, cute-as-f*ck way) and carried herself with a style I couldn't help but be super attracted to. A friend of mine who kind of knows her thinks she has a man though.
RogerWallace111 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I think my ex is still influencing my openness to other people as well. I loved what we had together- that comfort and ease. That was rare for me. I could depend on him, and well, he let me down. Now it's hard to make myself vulnerable again. I just feel jaded. I know I can't truly be interested in anyone else until I let him go, and that has been the ultimate struggle- probably the hardest in my life. I felt like this for a couple months after things ended with my ex. But once I could look back with a level head I was able to really realize that I could potentially develop that same comfort & ease with thousands of other girls. And she was my first love so, believe me, I was walking around fearing it might never happen again for a while... Just remember there is no shortage of awesome people, only the abundance of not-so-awesome ones makes it seem that way... 1
MrCastle Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 A crush isn't moderate. I see "Crush" as puppy love. High school type stuff. I haven't used the word "crush" since I was about 15 or 16 years old. If we're talking something more serious, I call it love. I've had plenty of crushes, never been in love.
carhill Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Does anyone else have a hard time falling for people? Any advice? Post 'puppy love' of adolescence, I've had two identifiable infatuations, which I define as an out of the ordinary physical and emotional response to an otherwise unknown human, in my lifetime. My advice would be to respect your style. If you don't 'crush' on people, OK. Don't. Expect that your love and romantic interests will flow from a different path. Expect that a lot of folks are walking a different path, as is normal in life. Accept that you're normal and feeling normal aspects regarding the end of a relationship. Accept that the process takes time. When you've felt the joy of a new love, and you will again in your life, this will all be forgotten. That's how life works. Each day is a new adventure. Good luck. 1
Feelin Frisky Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I see "Crush" as puppy love. High school type stuff. I haven't used the word "crush" since I was about 15 or 16 years old. If we're talking something more serious, I call it love. I've had plenty of crushes, never been in love. I've had several of these "things" for women that wouldn't denigrate by putting it down as teenage puppy love where she becomes this idealized focus of what someone might call "love". But it's not fair to call it love if you don't really know who she is. It's not a creepy "obsession" either where their is any fantasizing about her much less any kind of stalking or prying into her life. If the word "crush" doesn't work because it seems to juvenile, then there is probably no better word than infatuation. It is a wonderful feeling even if you never get the prize--it's innocuous and private and I' sure I'm not the only adult on the planet who has felt about someone this way but kept the secret admiration to him or her self. The way it can make one feel is "lovesick"--driven by the dream of this unreachable person who you do not approach for a number of reasons--them being married with kids one of the more typical.
SJC2008 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I know what you're talking about and they are rare for me too. My theory is that they can happen in two ways. One being that the person somehow triggers a gut level/emotional attraction really fast and the other is biology. Being that you just feel a "buzz" when you are around them which is basically nautures way of telling you that you would have a really healthy baby with this child, you're smelling pheromones.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Oh I have been there. I am just climbing out of that mess right now. My new thing is to have little crushes that will never work out. Actually I have graduated to dating a man and waiting for the inevitable end that will be nothing short of a spectacular failure. Yeah, I think this is a probably pretty common defensive mechanism for a lot of women. Why do you think your current relationship is going to come to a spectacular failure?
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