It Still Hurts

[belledandy87]

It's really been 2 months since my break up with a guy I've been with for almost two years. I understand that the breakup is still real fresh. For me, everyday it's a flash of emotions that come to me periodically. But for him, he's already moved on

When I lasted looked, really, on accident he had a dating site profile all set up to show he was ready for a long term relationship, and probably many other dating profiles. He has a tumblr where in a few posts, to me, that I really never existed in his life for almost the two years. He probably has a lot more on the web ... but I've closed myself off from that.

It hurts to think, all the times he told me he "loved me" and that "I'm his true love" .... was all really bull. I think what also hurts is his ability to move on without a scratch emotionally. I guess I also feel that, he is having such a good time (socializing with women, going out to eat, etc) ... did that make me ruin his fun while being with him?

I feel crippled with emotions, and at times I wish I could easily, too, roll off the past and move on.

 

I guess I take it one day at a time, and not think about it ... and that time heals. It just really sucks right now :(

[Mr Reptile]

If he wants a long-term relationship after 2 months he's not done with the breakup.

 

He is not used to not having someone around, people don't move on that fast.

And if he was "out" of the relationship long before it broke off then he's weak and selfish for not breaking up earlier.

 

My ex also kept me "inside" and didn't wanna go out with my friends etc, so you can imagine how fun I had with them when it ended, and I still have.

Yet, I still was hurt. He is going out to go threw this and you should do it to.

On the inside and when he's alone at night he hurts, everyone does, breakups are hard.

 

Go out and have fun you to!

And the best advice is as you said to take one day at the time

[Calico]

I guess I take it one day at a time, and not think about it ... and that time heals. It just really sucks right now

 

Time by itself doesn't heal fast, and not everything. You can probably spend years dwelling on the past and get yourself stuck in a way that prevents you from making any meaningful progress. You'll just rubberband. I wrote a bit about this yesterday.

 

I'm not over my breakup yet, either, and I spent the morning curled up in a ball, but every and all of my progress so far has required actively working toward healing. Just sitting there and waiting for that magic moment where it all suddenly makes sense and the pain dissolves is probably not a promising approach.

 

By actively working toward healing, I mean such things as:

 

• deliberately shifting your thoughts and breaking the circular thinking,
  
• making an effort to let go (possibly using visualizing, but also using your mind),
  
• giving simple meditation a try,
  
• forcing yourself to do things for yourself (that includes eating),
  
• reading useful books ("The Little Book of Letting Go" or "When Things Fall Apart"),
  
• consciously focusing on positive aspects (even if it's just the vastness of the empty sky, the beauty of flowers, the song of the birds),
  
• making new friends, either in real life or online, without looking at them as potential partners,
  
• writing lists of what wasn't great about the ex and the relationship,
  
• persistently identifying the advantages of the situation as whole and the present one,
  
• putting your goals for the next one, three, five days, a month, half a year, a year on paper.
  

 

And more. It's the emotional equivalent of the exercises you'd do after you had broken a leg and need to rebuild the muscles when the cast comes off. It's not easy, not pleasant, it frequently feels fake, and you'll relapse all the time, but it's better than being passive. For me, there are now some breaks on the cloudy sky and occasionally, I can see the sun. Still a long way, but I can't deny the progress. It's not there every day, and yesterday I curled up in my dark hole and just hurt, but time never stops, and everything always changes, everything is in flux. There is comfort in that knowledge.

 

I also believe that it's not necessarily the person we miss, but the sense of belonging, the togetherness, the co-dependency, the validation through another person (which is something we really need to tackle), the sense of purpose. Getting dumped is also really rough on the self esteem and triggers feelings of abandonment, especially if you had such issues before (divorced parents, etc.). Some of those don't indicate that we've had a healthy relationship, according to some people (personally, I'm not sure if mutual dependency is necessarily a bad thing, though definitely a dangerous one).

[belledandy87]

@Calico

Thank you for your response. It's really inspiring to know people understand and they have my back.

I guess I have to let it go, but there are nights where I think that he's just ... moved on quickly and living the life. I'm stuck in the same cycle. It's usually in the morning I feel good about myself, and then towards the evening my mind drifts and I think how he's doing. I know I should just not think about him, but ... I guess I'm at the stage where everything reminds me of him etc.

Though a lot of your suggestions are great, and I may try them for sure.

I hope all is well, and that you're doing great.

 

Thank you again.

[belledandy87]

@Mr Reptile

 

Thank you for your response! I understand what you're saying, and I believe it. I sorta wonder if he was having these feelings of wanting out way before the break up

He told me after the break up that he felt a "calm". Then the next couple of days he was just cheery.

I was living with him in another state. So within one month I lost my boyfriend, my home for 2 years, I had to quit my jobs cause it was too expensive living where I was. I am currently living back home with my family.

I thought that today ... I lost a lot of things. So I am giving myself a break, and taking it one day at a time.

 

Hope you're doing ok, and thank you again