Bozo1 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Hi I have been married15 years and have 2 children (9 and 11). Things have not been right over the last year or 2. I have been unhappy and we have not been close, as husband and wife should be. We have had rows, no intimacy and lost our way. It came to a head a few months ago when I told my wife I was not happy. She was stunned and very upset. She said we were just busy people with 2 jobs, 2 kids etc and we should work at it. We "pretended" for a little while (for the kids) but I was still unhappy and now she knew she picked up the signs. After a long upsetting talk I left. I packed a bag and went to stay at our holiday home. The point of me leaving was to time for space and to think. We told the kids I was away with work. (it happens sometimes). My wife had a little breakdown in my absence. Friends and family had to come and stay with her. She has been off work ill, lost weight and been very very upset and cries a lot. I came home with the intention of ending it. I had a plan, I was to talk to her and then talk to the kids. When I got home I could not do it to her. She was crying and pleading. I hestitated and felt so bad for doing this to her and being the "bad person". She talked about the effects on the kids, her not waiting to be a single mum etc. She said because I am hesitating and can't "go through with it" I must have feelings. So I stayed. She is a little better but I can't reach out for her. I can't give her the love and intimacy and tactile touching she wants. Its not that I don't love (she is the mother of my kids and I married her for 15 years) its just not "there" for me. So I am home. And miserable. She is saying there is a wall around me and I dont communicate, we just pretend happy families for the kids. Advice? I need independant impartial experienced advice. B
loveunlimited Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Then you need counselling. even if you do break up and go your separate ways, counselling will help you communicate with one another. She has grown dependent on you, but you are doing her no favours by hanging around out of pity. compromise is stupid if it in fact means that one loses while the other appears to win that's not compromise that's capitulation. you owe it to yourself and to her to be honest and not put a brave face on it. if you don't like it, do something about it. find a counsellor, go and see them and put your case forward calmly and rationally. you love her you are just not IN love with her any more. she will need individual counselling to get to the root of her obvious dependency, because falling apart like that is understandable, but that was all consuming and over the top. Get professional help. And you - don't pity her and do things out of guilt and sympathy. that's just an insult. If you say you're going to do something, do it, but don't sacrifice your credibility just to make her feel better because that's just self defeating.
Decisiontomake Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I've seen lots of people go through this and ultimately my opinion is that if you know you want to leave, then you should leave, and be honest with the person. Now, as a contradiction to that, I believe you should take time in coming to that decision, and to have worked at what the issues are (as in MC) before that decision is made. But once the decision is reached, once the work has been completed, it should be followed through. Just my opinion though. Not born out of my own personal experiences.
Ninja'sHusband Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Why have you been unhappy? Why are you putting your wife through this?
LuckyLady13 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 You said she was stunned when you told her you weren't happy. She shouldn't have been stunned if you've been unhappy for a long time so I really have to wonder what's going on here with your communication skills with her. And she sounds like she went into a state of shock. You said you two "pretended" for a little while. I really agree with other people saying you need counseling because you should already know "pretending" is not working on things. I'm not seeing from your original post how you tried to really do anything about your own unhappiness. It has to come from you! Then, you left. Bozo, what exactly is it that you have done to work on your own happiness? And what have you done to correct the problems in your marriage besides pretend and then walk away? Either which direction you go from here, I'm going to be plainly honest with you. You are going to bring your unhappiness everywhere you go because... ...no matter where you go, there you are!
riverratt Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Sounds like you both are where a lot of us are on LS. She is where I was at and you are where my wife was. The pain she is feeling is very bad and tough. She should come on here a read some posts. It will help her and it may help you with wanting her "back". Giving you advise would be like me my ex advise. I would say before you leave her behind decide what you want. Be careful and not say things that will build her hopes up then drop a bomb. Be careful of what you say. I got that a lot. It makes it worse for her.
willowthewisp Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 You said she was stunned when you told her you weren't happy. She shouldn't have been stunned if you've been unhappy for a long time so I really have to wonder what's going on here with your communication skills with her. And she sounds like she went into a state of shock. You said you two "pretended" for a little while. I really agree with other people saying you need counseling because you should already know "pretending" is not working on things. I'm not seeing from your original post how you tried to really do anything about your own unhappiness. It has to come from you! Then, you left. Bozo, what exactly is it that you have done to work on your own happiness? And what have you done to correct the problems in your marriage besides pretend and then walk away? Either which direction you go from here, I'm going to be plainly honest with you. You are going to bring your unhappiness everywhere you go because... ...no matter where you go, there you are! +1 I usually stay away from "leaver" threads as the "leaver" usually ends up attacking anyone who does not agree with them on their thread, just like they attcak the spouse they are leaving to justify their own choices. However, in the hope that you will not be one of those OP, I agree whole heartedly with the above. Think and remember it is said of out of care FOR YOU!
trippi1432 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 OP - Is it more that you feel unfulfilled that is causing a general unhappiness? You stated that you have been unhappy for the past year or two, and then talk about the lack of intimacy. Was that intimacy there before the "rows" and were the "rows" what caused the lack of intimacy..on your part or on hers...both? Taking it a step further, how did you feel when you left? Could those feelings be contributing to the misery you are feeling now?
riverratt Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I agree whole heartedly with the above +2 willow.
Ami1uwant Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I agree with others...you didn't talk about the issues of what changed to make you surprise her like you did. This is where you really need to do counseling to find out hat is amiss. It's hard to pretend when nothing was done to try to make it change. This is what makes communication so important.
riverratt Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Awaiting OP's return.... I think we upset the OP
defense7575 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 dont do that to your wife, divorce sucks, your just prolonging the enevitable. do what u gotta do, so the both of u can move on
Author Bozo1 Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 (edited) Hi all Sorry not been on-line to reply timely to posts. My internet connectivity is not been great lately. The original post was a "fire and forget" type post knowing that I would get responses and could read them later. Whilst I appreciate that the comments "The OP is gone", I would never post my life here (and my biggest problem) and then not check in to read and reply. I also appreciate that people have replied and considered my lack of response as "being offended" - not true, you dont post your life on here and not expect replies you dont want to hear, opinions are like ass's, everyone has one. So to address some questions before I move on to more of a post... (I dont know how to quote so will put === and === either side) ===Then you need counselling.==== I have done counselling as an individual, not as a couple. I have done it twice. I did through a free charity and then via the private healthcare we have a at work. Both ended early and both counsellors stated that I am unhappy in my marriage, that is the issue and I deal with it. ===She has grown dependent on you, but you are doing her no favours by hanging around out of pity=== I know, your right. But how do I grow the balls to leave? ===I've seen lots of people go through this and ultimately my opinion is that if you know you want to leave, then you should leave, and be honest with the person=== Same answer. When I leave my wifes world and my kids will crash down. I don't know if I am strong enough to pick up those pieces. ===Why have you been unhappy? Why are you putting your wife through this? === I am unhappy as I don't feel fulfilled. I am not getting from the marriage what I feel I need. Why I am putting my wife through this? I don't know. I am not good and have issues, I know that, but surely she deserves the truth? ===You said she was stunned when you told her you weren't happy. She shouldn't have been stunned if you've been unhappy for a long time so I really have to wonder what's going on here with your communication skills with her. And she sounds like she went into a state of shock. === She did go into shock. She went from being a high flying confident woman, to a person who is off sick from work (still) and begging me to stay. That hurts. I think it hurts me, but for her to go through this as the victim is worse for me. ===Giving you advise would be like me my ex advise. I would say before you leave her behind decide what you want. Be careful and not say things that will build her hopes up then drop a bomb.=== Build up her hopes? I feel like crap for doing it. One consistent piece of advice from everyone (from this forum to male friends) has been dont raise her hopes to then dssh her. I try, but me merely being home has done this. === usually stay away from "leaver" threads as the "leaver" usually ends up attacking anyone who does not agree with them on their thread, just like they attcak the spouse they are leaving to justify their own choices. However, in the hope that you will not be one of those OP, I agree whole heartedly with the above. Think and remember it is said of out of care FOR YOU! === Hi trippi, I want to hear your views, please don't assume that I only want to hear what I want to hear. I am on the verge of a big decision, that will crush the people I care about. ===OP - Is it more that you feel unfulfilled that is causing a general unhappiness? You stated that you have been unhappy for the past year or two, and then talk about the lack of intimacy. Was that intimacy there before the "rows" and were the "rows" what caused the lack of intimacy..on your part or on hers...both?=== the intamacy was kind of there. We would be intimate sometimes, but on her terms. I have lost count of the amount of times I have gone to sleep feeling lonely, frustated and absent. ===Taking it a step further, how did you feel when you left? Could those feelings be contributing to the misery you are feeling now? === I'll be honest (as I can be honest here) I felt great away from home. I could live my own life, dictate what I did, go where I want, when I want. Eat a meal when I want, go to bed when I want, get up when I want. It was no hardship. Is that bad? ===Awaiting OP's return.... === I am here! ===dont do that to your wife, divorce sucks, your just prolonging the enevitable. do what u gotta do, so the both of u can move on === Your right. How do I get the courage? There are kids here. ===There doesn't sound like any serious dealbreaker or even acrimony. In this case, I would have said they should wait it out. Sure, they can communicate better but, really, these periods happen in long marriages. Its a case of 'this too shall pass'. But, the way he dropped the bomb, this sounds like there's someone else. Just my opinion, of course. === This is the comment I really wanted to reply too. There is no one else in the sense of an affair. What there is from me is envy. I spent a few days with my brother when I left. He is married, like me, has kids, like me, job, mortgage, daily grind, all like me. But he had more than me. He had a wife he truly deeply cared about. A connection with her deeply inshrined. He cared about her, he went out his way to love her, he listened to her, they talked like equals, they genuinly wanted to hear about each others day. They snuggled and kissed when they thought I was upstairs. They touched, the loved and they cared. I was jealous. I envied all that. I DONT HAVE THAT. I punched the air and loved my brother and his wife, then I went to his spare room and cried. I DONT HAVE THAT. Over the past couple of years, I have met women through work who are pretty and interesting. The accidental touch of hands as I hand her a cup of coffee sends electric though my veins. The fleeting second glance as she leaves the room. I DONT HAVE THAT with my wife. I want it. I dont have the courage to leave. I look at the kids at bedtime and go to the garage and weep. I hear them talk to me about their dreams and I weep. I goto bed next my wife and want to be anywhere but here. Sorry. Bozo Edited October 1, 2012 by Bozo1
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