befuddled1 Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 I recently met a seemingly nice guy who's 38 yrs old, never married, no kids. He has admitted to me that his *longest* long-term relationship was a mere 6 months, and that part of the reason for that is that he had 2 supposed "bad experiences." Now, haven't we all had bad experiences, relationship-wise, in one form or another? Isn't that just part of life? Lots of us have been cheating on, abused, betrayed, you name it ... but don't the vast majority of us get over it at some point and just carry on, and accept that not everyone out there is going to screw us over? I mean geez, who hasn't been burned before, right? He admits he hasn't dated much in the past 5 years (his words, "not much at all in the past 5 years") but admits to apparently having had a "couple" of dates over the past 3 months. I have a feeling that a guy this age, with such incredibly limited relationship-experience is likely a little lost, and would take someone a lot more patient than I, because at this age (I'm 37), I'm well past the age of having to "show/teach" someone what a relationship is about ... the importance of communication, trust, friendship, commitment, compromise, intimacy, etc. I'm not sure I'd be up for the challenge of investing time in a dating-greenhorn. Would you also consider the above a "red flag"? What kind of further questions would you ask or would you be inclined to just not bother with a fish like this one? Thanks in advance for your responses/insight.
reasontosigh Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 I have a feeling that a guy this age, with such incredibly limited relationship-experience is likely a little lost, and would take someone a lot more patient than I, because at this age (I'm 37), I'm well past the age of having to "show/teach" someone what a relationship is about ... That's well beyond my patience quotient too. And I already know I'm certainly no candidate for sainthood!!! He has admitted to me that his *longest* long-term relationship was a mere 6 months... I guess the only question I would have is at what point in his life did this take place. It sounds to me like there's too many dots left unconnected. I don't think I would bother, really, unless I had gotten to know this person and had been friends for a while first.
moimeme Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 You don't have to have been in a bunch of relationships to learn how to be in a relationship. What you have there is a man with little baggage. Just because some people don't date a lot doesn't mean they aren't or wouldn't be good relationship material. The converse is also true, for that matter. OTOH, I know some very good, thoughtful and nice people who deliberately have not dated by the dozen. Look for some other signs. Has he got friends that he's had for years? Does he have a steady work history in terms of having been employed with good employers? Does he have a lot of interests to keep him busy? What does he say he did with his time when he was not dating? If he has a bunch of friends, see if you can arrange to attend an activity that includes them. You can learn a lot about a person by how he is with his friends and how they treat him. If they are all very nice and clearly treat him with affection and respect, you may have found a gem. I say go out with the guy a few times and see what he's like. If he's charming, engaging, and treats you well, why not give him a chance? There are much worse things one can say about oneself than that one has not dated a lot.
Samson Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 So the guy's "nice." BUT "nice" IS JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH? Apparently, NOT. If he's "nice," then why do you think you'll need to "show/teach" someone what a relationship is about ... the importance of communication, trust, friendship, commitment, compromise, intimacy, etc.. Do these things not come with being nice?
befuddled1 Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 Originally posted by Samson So the guy's "nice." BUT "nice" IS JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH? Apparently, NOT. If he's "nice," then why do you think you'll need . Do these things not come with being nice? Say what? I said he's seemingly nice, I have only just met him, I can't say for sure yet if he's truly nice or not. Everyone seems nice on the surface. This isn't about me dissing a "nice guy", as you seem to be implying. Niceness has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that a man nearly 40 has had only one very brief long-term relationship in all of his dating years. Everyone, for the most part, is nice to some degree, but it doesn't the odds are high that they'd make a good companion. And no, I don't think that you can automatically assume that one's experience and knowledge of communication, commitment, compromise, intimacy etc (within the confines of a relationship) will just manifest themself, all because the person is "nice." I've always believed that relationships are growing experiences....they teach us about ourselves, they teach us about life, they teach us how to open up to other people, they teach us how to love and be loved............and if someone has only a smidgen of relationship experience in their nearly 40 yrs of life, what do you think the odds are that they're going to understand the dynamics of a good solid healthy relationship? I think the odds are very low. I have been in a good number of long term relationships, I've dated a lot over the years (though I admittedly am a lot more selective these past 3-4 yrs)....and I've learned a lot from these experiences......some bad, but a lot of good. How can someone who, for "whatever reason" (of which I'd be curious to know, but possibly will never truly know), has strangely limited experience be at the same place in life as I'm at? I'm looking for someone who's at the place where they know what they want in someone, versus still trying to figure that out. I'm also concerned by the fact that he claims his very limited dating/relationship experience is due to a couple of "bad experiences".......what could that say? Could that say that he has difficulty putting bad experiences behind him, such that they have a really long-lasting impact? Is he not someone who likes to take challenges? Is he low in the self-esteem department? (cuz that is a huge turn-off to me) Was he sexually molested as a child and has issues related to that? Does he have abandonment issues? He hasn't lived in this area very long, just recently moved here......so likely doesn't have a significant "friend" network yet (which is understandable).....so I have no true idea (or would I likely ever) if he has close friendships, or if he's had a stable career/job over his working life or if he just goes from job to job. I'm looking for someone who could potentially be someone I settle down with one day....not someone who's wet behind the ears and is still very immature in terms of dating/relationships. I don't know, it's just very weird to me and I'm not sure if I can be bothered.
sally1530 Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 Wow! Sounded just like my ex-finace.. I just broke up with him 3 months ago... hes 38, never married no kids... he said he only had two 1 year relationships...and they ended badly... and of couse me after I found out he was cheating 28 days before our wedding... uggg!!! Hey if the guy is from Illinois and his name is Tim.... let me know.... you want to watch out for him.... hes trouble.
thecake Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 I might wonder about this but maybe he's just really picky about who he's involved with...? This makes me wonder about myself now because aside from my brief marriage I haven't had any really long term relationships.
moimeme Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 I don't know why you're even asking. You seem to already have made up your mind. You have your own answers to all possible questions. So give him a pass. You may lose out on a great guy but he'll lose out on someone who has so many preconceived impressions that she's willing to eliminate him on them rather on his own lack of merits (if that is even the case).
Kizzyfur Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Look for some other signs. Has he got friends that he's had for years? Does he have a steady work history in terms of having been employed with good employers? Does he have a lot of interests to keep him busy? What does he say he did with his time when he was not dating? If he has a bunch of friends, see if you can arrange to attend an activity that includes them. You can learn a lot about a person by how he is with his friends and how they treat him. If they are all very nice and clearly treat him with affection and respect, you may have found a gem. Originally posted by befuddled1 ............and if someone has only a smidgen of relationship experience in their nearly 40 yrs of life, what do you think the odds are that they're going to understand the dynamics of a good solid healthy relationship? I think the odds are very low. How can someone who, for "whatever reason" (of which I'd be curious to know, but possibly will never truly know), has strangely limited experience be at the same place in life as I'm at? Oh man... going by what y'all have said I'd be the worst for dating material. I may not possess a lot of personal experience, but I do know the dynamics of a good, solid, healthy relationship. I'm looking for someone who's at the place where they know what they want in someone, versus still trying to figure that out. I'm also concerned by the fact that he claims his very limited dating/relationship experience is due to a couple of "bad experiences".......what could that say? Could that say that he has difficulty putting bad experiences behind him, such that they have a really long-lasting impact? Is he not someone who likes to take challenges? Is he low in the self-esteem department? (cuz that is a huge turn-off to me) Was he sexually molested as a child and has issues related to that? Does he have abandonment issues? Talk to him about it if it bothers you so much. Maybe he's just been waiting for someone who does fit his idea of what he's looking for. Will settling for something you know you're not interested in teach you more about who you are and what you are looking for??
dudesomewhere Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 if you know my posts...butthead remarks aside...whether you like my posts or hate them... I've been involved with 4 ppl...all women , one was to lose virginity...second was what I guess you would call a relationship but only lasted 2 months (I really consider 1 month ), 3rd was a 1 nighter...4th...4th is an enigma After losing my virginity at 22 for the sake of doing it so women didn't think I was a loser, I didn't get involved with anyone for a solid 7 years. So you can judge me by my experiences as well...I really don't mind. I love who I am. I love the fact I don't get around. I love that I will look for that rare sparkle in the swarm of people in the world. Meanwhile, while I wait...I enjoy my family and my baby nephew and niece. And if I might say, that will soon to be nieceS! hehe...my new baby niece arrives some time in December and I can't wait. Another innocent life for me to love . So...I may not now much by most people's standards, but I like what I know. I like my outlook on what things should be...for me.
Kizzyfur Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 You know... come to think of it, even if he had been in many "long-term" relationships, aren't all relationships different?? I mean, what worked for one relationship may not work for another. For example: I know someone who's been married 8 years. Now, his wife is satisfied with lying around in bed all day. Okay, this may work for HER... but I would rather be DOING things with my guy. To me it seems it would be easier to teach a guy how the dynamics work for you rather than to REteach a guy... wouldn't it??
Kizzyfur Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 And if I might say, that will soon to be nieceS! hehe...my new baby niece arrives some time in December and I can't wait. Another innocent life for me to love congratulations dude
befuddled1 Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme I don't know why you're even asking. You seem to already have made up your mind. You have your own answers to all possible questions. So give him a pass. You may lose out on a great guy but he'll lose out on someone who has so many preconceived impressions that she's willing to eliminate him on them rather on his own lack of merits (if that is even the case). Preconceived impressions? Come on, let's be real here. The guy is nearly 40 and he's had one brief serious relationship. For whatever reason, he's got issues and a major lack of experience when it comes to relationships. I don't need to get involved with someone who obviously has some hangups. I've never in my life met any guy (or dated) who has such a pathetic relationship history. It makes ya wonder, and life is short so I'll just move on and find someone who has more going for himself in that department. As for why I'm asking, well geez, Moi, why does anyone here ask questions? Most people know the answers before they type the post (eg..people who ask, "I'm involved with a married man, is it wrong?), but they post as a way of sorting things out, and sometimes it takes writing things down to come to a clear decision.
moimeme Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 You maybe want to reread your post. It's awash in prejudgement. The poor guy hadn't a chance with you - you've already decided he has 'issues', 'hangups', and has a 'pathetic' history. This without getting to know him. But hey, give him a pass. He might be the best guy you'll ever know, but you'll never know.
sylah Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 Oh, Befuddled, OMFG, I think we are in the same boat. I've been in many 2 long term relationships before in my life -- one which lasted 7 years and one that lasted 5. I dated in between then and have had a total of 11 partners in my life, including my current partner. He's 37 and his longest relationship has been 2 years and he's never lived with a woman. I live in my own place and so does he. But, I find his level of maturity with respect to relationships leaves a lot to be desired, considering that he's 5 years older than me. He just has a very different way of perceiving things and the pricelessness of that level of intimacy, and you really learn a level of love that you had never imagined before. It's really strange. I asked him once, "Have you never lived with a woman?!?" Never. Have you also noticed that people (both male and female) have an obsession with physical perfection before they ever live with anyone but there's a personality transformation/growth of some sort when they reach a level where they live with their significant other? He has no idea that intimacy is not only about sex. He has no concept of love. I firmly believe that co-habitation leads to love while love doesn't always lead to marriage because sometimes you realize that you're not good for this person just because of maybe the practicalities of the personality dynamics within the relationship? He has no idea of the hurt behind it. He does not know how to achieve the comfort level. I am facing this same problem. He sort of thinks he can live with me, sort of thinks he cannot. He's hurt because I'm afraid of what may follow and I hesitate at the step of being the first woman he's ever lived with outside his immediate family -- simply because I believe he's not ready for that level of intimacy. It's a lot to handle. You have to deal with potential emotional hurt if it doesn't work out. He still has unrealistic expectations of conflicts -- he does not know how to compromise -- he doesn't know how to use fights constructively. Although, I'll admit, he is learning...
InmannRoshi Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 This is the second edge of the famous double standard. Women quantity of their partners to be used as a judge of character, but yet its still okay to judge men by how few they have?
sylah Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 Originally posted by InmannRoshi This is the second edge of the famous double standard. Women quantity of their partners to be used as a judge of character, but yet its still okay to judge men by how few they have? This brings up an interesting point. My friend and I were noticing about the reversal in roles at times...how men want commitment without actually knowing what it entails. So many women around me fear that level of commitment and more and more I'm seeing women who don't want to commit anymore. My bf and I have had about the same number of sex partners. However, I do question his experience with long-term relationships and the level of thinking that is accomplished with the experience. Sex doesn't necessarily equal intimacy. The number of sex partners a person has is not an indicator of ability to be intimate. A lot of these men who've never been in any sort of deep commitment will almost fake the fear of commitment, because society tells that they should be afraid of it -- but they don't know what they fear. My bf is curious about what it's like to live with a woman. He told me that he was with this woman and he thought she was "the one". He said he gave her a promise ring and the whole shabam. But, he never lived with her. You can never know if someone is "the one" if you have not lived with them. I asked him why he had thought she was "the one" (until she cheated on him and he said that she was emotionally unstable). There are so many other things associated with intimacy. I've noticed that people who've lived with a partner have different expectations and criteria for choosing partners, as well.
InmannRoshi Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 Well, our grandparents generation did not have much experience with living with other people before they got married, yet they seem to have done a whole lot better on this marriage stuff than we have. Primarily because they had a better expectation of what marriage is and the old time courting rituals seemed to have lend itself toward people building the foundation of their relationships on friendship more than instant gratification of initial attraction. You can find red flags in anyone if you want to find them. Too few relationships. Too many relationships (if he's such great husband material, why has he been divorced 2 times?). But I know if I posted something on the board that said "Hey everybody. I seemingly met this great girl, but I have one problem. She seems to have had a lot of partners and boyfriends (at leat by my standards). Does that mean that she's needy and insecure and not worth my time" I would have been smacked down for being so judgemental. Deservedly so.
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