I am the other Woman. Do I give up or try harder? At my breaking point.

[livelaughlove59]

Okayy so to start of just like many people on here, I am not the type to to post things online or go on forums but I really dont know what else to do. This will probably end up being a long confession so If you are able to spend some time reading it I would really appreciate it. Any advice I can get would mean the world to me since I really cant turn to anyone else.

 

When I say I dont know if I should give up or try harder It is about love not with my life just to make that clear.

 

I am 22 years old, female & confused. I honestly dont know where to start.

I work at a larger catering company where I started when I was 17 and worked my way up to management. When I was 18, a guy got hired there who actually worked right next door so I knew who he was. Kind of even helped him get hired. I will relate to him as 'Romeo".

 

So Romeo started and was the player to say the least. I was very attracted to him but knew I had no chance. He seemed to cocky for me and flirted way to much with every girl in that workplace. What a turn off. He eventually started dating someone there, little did i Know he also had a relationship out of the work place with a girl who did not have her papers to be here. He had been dating her for 6 years. I was in shock. what a dog! & the girl was oblivous had no idea of his dog ways. Eventually the work relationship with that girl did not work out she quit and was back to player status and lurking again.

 

My 20th birthday I invited him to. Got a limo and went to the club with all our friends. Still at the time was just friends, danced with him, everyone had a great time. And after that we kind of hit it off at work. The flirting began, the grabbing and just the fun and thrill. 6 months later after my birthday was another co workers birthday. He was there along with many other people. Everyone was drinking a little to much. He was very touchy and even kissed me in front of everyone. At that point I knew i was the new girl in his life and everyone else knew to, not to mention the jealous girls who liked him as well. Not to stray away from the story but at this point in time I still had not lost my virginity. It was something very important. Even though I had oppurtunities to do it prior and 3 boyfriends It never felt right but I guess that night it did.

 

I ended up losing my virginity to Romeo that night. Not really the way I pictured it happening though. Drunk, in a car with a man who had a girlfriend . I AM NOT PROUD OF IT just for the record.

 

Moving forward, It was quite awkward when we went back to work on Monday. People would gossip how we left together but of course we both denied anything and everything to protect our jobs. But as the weeks went by the awkwardness left and things heated up again. The flirting continued, the hooking up did and the lies just kept building up. My jealousness escalated and I was caught up in his spell. but at the end of the day I had to remember he was not mine and he was going home to someone else but It didnt seem to bother me as much as him flirting with people at work?

 

So then came along a girl at work who started to like him & me and her grew close and she would tell me she liked him and i would have to sit there and just listen because i couldnt let my secret out. But wow would it kill me . So i find out he hooked up with her and i lost my cool and basically in a 3 month nutshell i turned them against eachother and got her fired but she does not know any of that. I ended up telling her everything about me and him and she was blindsighted and hurt and ever since then even though she acted okay I knew she hated me which is fine we ended up ending our friendship over a drunken night.

 

At that point I didnt know who i became. That was not ME! I started that job the most sweet innocent girl ever. But that was nothing compared to how messed up things are now. A year went by we continued this 'work' relationship, my 21st birthday ended up being a big party at a hotel on the beach where i had lots of people including him who made it know yet again we were something. Kissing me all night, dancing and just never leaving my side. He confessed to me the next day he was marrying his girlfriend.

 

My heart sunk.. He said he HAD to. She did not have her papers and it was approaching her 21st birthday where she would get deported. So yeah he did it. He marrried her and to this day they are still married.

Now this whole time I was not just waiting around for him, I did have two boyfriend within that time frame, had sexual partners but somehow me and him would always get back to it.

 

But married? That was serious and I told him id never let him cheat on her with me. but that did not work out.

 

Now this next part is going to have your eyes wide open and you probably are going to rip my ear off with advice and yell at me but thats okay its why im here

 

Romeo started a new relationship with another girl while he was married and the other girl knew about it. The other girl even knew about the other girl ME!! So you could only imagine how we felt about eachother. Eventually his wife found out about her and left him but did not divorce or she would get deported. He had nowhere to go to, he asked to stay with me and I said no way! He ended up getting a place with the other girl and basically dated her for 6 months till he got sick of it and told me how he was not happy. Durning this time he dated her me and him would not flirt, not hook up not even talk that much, I told myself I was done and i convinced myself i was. He left that girl and moved back to his moms. Now my 22nd birthday was here and he came alone, I knew it was trouble and was i ever so right. After 6 months we were back at it and spent the night together. His wife took him back the next week.

 

My 22nd birthday was last month.. It is exactly one month from that day but yet his wife is 5 weeks pregnant? Does anyone seem to question that timing? He only saw her for the first time in 6 months 3 weeks ago but he swears its his.

 

A BABY??? Are you kidding me?

 

Its blow after blow with this guy but this was the last straw or was it? Work was the same, the flirting and at this point EVERYONE knew about us, even the big boss and it wasnt hiden anymore. People knew not to mess with me and same thing with him but yet again I knew when he left work he wasnt mine, he was hers.

 

But his mom lives here and his wife lives 30 miles south so durning the week he would stay local and go to her on weekends. Was she dumb?

 

So since the last real heartbreak of him going to live with that other girl I kind of played the same cards as him. I dated someone else and gave him the cold shoulder even when it killed me.

 

Just 2 days ago I came over and we sat and watched a movie, drank a little and he ended up opening up to me. He told me he loved me and told me im strong for understanding how he was married but always sticking by his side and for that he wanted me to be his girl. I told him he was crazy and does he hear what hes saying right now? He will never leave his wife. Why would i even get myself into that? What good does it for me? Yeah basically he wanted his cake & to eat it too. Its true but even though as you see these past 4 years I dont seem like the smartest girl with these decisons I have made I would NEVER be someones devoted official OTHER GIRL. I deserve better and with that yeah we hooked up, yeah we cuddled but his wife was coming to pick him up around 2am.

 

On the drive home I just lost it. I sat in my car and cried for hours. & I am not the type to cry. but soooo much was built up and those last 6 hours we spent together was so perfect yet so not real that it was the breaking point. What the hell am i doing? HES MARRIED. HE HAS A BABY ON THE WAY. HE HAS HOOKED UP WITH GIRLS IN THE SAME WORKPLACE. HE HAS HURT ME SO MANY TIMES. Yeah good times we have had were amazing and He has always been there for me and truly has been a good friend despite our secret relationship. So hes half heartless and half a good person truly. but still how long am i going to let this last? When am i finally going to move on with my life?

 

A couple of people do know the full story and everyone says the same. MOVE ON & i deserve better and how hes playing me & that I will never be able to move on unless he quits or I do at our job because if you think of it , we see eachother everyday. How will it be possible to move on if I see him everyday? Its not and maybe its time to move on??

 

But i do love him. I know i do & we have been at it for 4 long years & thats not easy to just walk away from. Before his wife got pregnant, me & him even had the baby talk of what we would name our kids and he said he wanted to have a baby with me. You dont just say those things to people. But hopefully he doesnt end up having two kids on the way because of what happened on friday night. As much as I would love to have a baby , i deserve to be with someone who will be with that baby 24.7 not have a wife and another kid! Am i out of mind? I honestly dont even know what I would do if I had a baby from him. I dont even want to think about that. All i know is I need to be done with this part of my life.

 

Do i give up or try harder? I cant compete with his wife. I would never be able to win him unless she finally leaves him or he finds out that baby is not his. I know sounds like an episode of jerry springer. ughh not the way i was raised AT ALL.

 

So tomorrow is typical monday . I will see him, the flirting begins and ill take him home & so forth. What am i doing? How much more can I take?

 

It breaks my heart to even imagine him not in my life but it breaks my heart more to know hes not mine & probably never will be. How do i move on? How do I work there but ignore him? Do i find another job? Do I continue this affair? I am officially stuck. This weekend has been full of tears, thinking and just listening to many songs that doesnt really help the situation.

 

I need help. & Please refrain from telling me I am stupid and a homewrecker and just negative things. i dont want to hear it. If you are here to help me then please tell me anything and everything .

 

I love him. but I know i love myself more.

 

Thank you for reading my bible of confession. It could of been longer trust me That was 4 years summed up the best I could but lord knows that story could be pages long.

[whichwayisup]

This guy has put a spell on you and even though you know he's bad news, a player, a liar, a cheater and not boyfriend or husband material, it's time to get him out of your blood. The past four years have been an emotional rollercoaster for you! Dramatic, intense, happy/sad, feeling jealously, doing petty things, manipulating situations.. That's not you! But, this situation has had this negative effect and changed some things, you've made decisions that are not good for you.

 

Time to end it. Detach and even quit your job to get away, start over with a clean slat. Those people around you are all associated with him.. God knows how many other women he's fooled around with.

 

If you want to feel better and have your life be more normal again, you need to totally end it with him and be strong, don't let him manipulate you anymore. He knows exactly what buttons to push so you'll cave. Your word means nothing to him (because your follow up actions don't meet what you tell him). Hope this makes sense.

 

Be strong! And, find someone in your life you can confide in. A bestfriend, a friend you can trust or a family member. You need to have someone to talk to offline.

[ThatJustHappened]

Ugh..this guy is disgusting. Walk away honey..and get yourself tested for STDs.

 

Everybody suffers from a broken heart at some point in their lives. This is your turn. Take all the lessons you can from this experience..next time you'll know better than to trust such a player.

[Ladydrib]

You're in love with a loser. You don't want to love a loser but you haven't let go of your belief that perhaps he's really a quality guy. You are blinding yourself with your own lies, because you already know all the ugliness of the situation. You will never have a normal (committed, healthy, etc) relationship with this person. Nor will he ever have a normal relationship in his life. So trying harder to make it a normal relationship is like trying harder to bring someone back from the dead, out of the grave. Trying harder will do absolutely nothing. You have only three options here. I think only one that will eventually make you a happy person again. So, the three options.

 

1. Accept what you see is what you get. And stay with him knowing that and not expecting anything to change.

 

2. Figure out how to forget him forever. (I believe you kind of want this, and I believe this would definitely make you the happiest once you get past the pain of letting go).

 

3. Continue fussing and fighting trying to change him, continue to stay with him, continue going insane and wasting your life.

 

Which one do you want? Those are the only options. The sooner you accept that, the better off you'll be.

[frozensprouts]

some advice-

 

(1) if you still work together, get a different job...somewhere far away from him

 

(2) block all his access points to you. Get a new phone number, block him from your facebook, email.etc.

 

(3) make a new group of friends to go out with...one that doesn't include him

 

(4) stop drinking, especially if you end up around him

 

(5) own this...I don't want to sound mean or cruel, but though you are young, you are fully capable of conducting yourself as an adult. Allowing yourself to be led along as if you are a little girl is really bad for you...when you do so, you give up all your power to him...don't do that! You are worth more than him- you deserve to be treated well by a guy who has no one else in his life

 

(6) once you have cut off contact with him, take things on day, even one minute , at a time...don't expect to feel 100% better right away...it may take some time- but it will be worth it- you'll have moved on to bigger and better things while he's still acting like a knobbish schoolboy...

 

best of luck to you...you can do it

[veryhappy]

At 22 you shouldn't be willing to try harder for men regarding anything. That's for married people with kids.

 

Learn to demand to be treated right, and don't accept to be second. Not at your age, by any means. 10 years from now it will seem like a silly youth thing.

[skywriter]

Do I give up or try harder?

 

Give up what? You can't give up someone you never had.

 

However you might want to try harder to give up! This guy is never gonna change, he is who he is, and he is alright with who he is.

 

I'd definitly consider getting tested for STD's.

 

I'm repeating what's already been suggested, do everything necessary to cut this unhealthy guy from your life, get another job, change of address, phone number, whatever it takes to remove him from your life.

 

and then! Do not contact him ever, no matter what!

[livelaughlove59]

Thank you I really appreciate your advice & It was an eye opener for me. These past two days at work have been very awkward to say the least. I have been ignoring him and just focusing on my work & he does things to try to get me mad on purpose and Monday I wasnt as strong I did end up exploding but today I held it together except moments in the bathroom where i needed to let out a good cry... I do have someone to confide in but she is thousands of miles away.. She does know what is going on and really has been holding me together through all this. Again thank you for your response!

[nofool4u]

I am the other Woman. Do I give up or try harder?

 

Why would anyone in their right mind tell you to try harder to further hurt someone elses wife?

 

But I'll digress on that point. You'd be doing his wife a favor if you snatched him. Then she can move on and find someone decent, and you can be stuck with the cheater/liar now.

[livelaughlove59]

Thank you I really appreciate your advice !!

 

As far as the responses about getting tested for STDS. I have done so & even though he has been with mutiple women, he is not dirty when it comes to sex. I am clean & so is he but thanks for concern.

 

To 'LadyDrib' you could not of said it any better. Blinding myself with my own lies. I know I am. I always make excuses for the situation , for HIM when their is no excuse! Hes married!!! I do need to forget it but it does break my heart just the thought of him not being in my life anymore because despite everythng we are good friends & i really cant imagine my life without him but i guess i have to now huh??

 

To "LadyGrey' trust me i was waiting to tell u in the story to say i dumped his ass too. but not yet. Whats so lovable about him?? wow.. i think more than anything its the way i feel around him, he makes me feel so good about myself & always compliments me and holds me & we always laugh & just can talk for hours. He has a charm about him where he can make you go from mad to happy in a second, not exacttly a charm it drives me insane. I am sure you can imagine how he looks since he seems like the ultimate bad boy. Green eyes, tatttoos, muscles, goregous body, amazing smile and a goofy laugh. I know ultimately i am that "fallback girl' like you say which when you put it like that sounds horrible. it has taken me this long to wake up and i am ready to get over this hump in my life , & the drama part is true, its non stop drama every day is a fight & nothing will ever change. he has been my addiction and because i keep allowing him to do this to me he takes advantage and im so DONE.. Thank you for your comments !!

 

to "frozenSprouts' wow did you just knock me on my head. I do agree I need a new job which as of right this moment I am working on my resume so thank you. I ultimately believe leaving the workplace where i see him EVERYDAY would be exactly what i need. Actually its almost the only way... We literally work Monday to Friday 7am to 4 pm. same shift. & you are right I have been led on and i am fully capable of cutting this rope and finally saying enough is enough. I was raised better & I deserve better. I gave him all the power. He has basicallly had a wife and me on the side and it makes me sick to my stomach to actually admit it. Thank you for your response, you have inspired me so much!

 

to "skywriter' harshhhh but hey i understand. you know what your right he was never mine and never will be. Hes mine at work and nothing more. I do plan on moving on with my life form here. thanks

 

 

Again thanks for everyones comments. I didnt think id get any feedback but wow this is awesome. I already feel stronger and its only day two but it has not been easy. Work has been horrible & i know sooner or later he will try to confront me on all this and i am going to look like a deer in the headlights because i dont know what to say, i know you are probably like UM DUH SAY NOTHING!!! its not that easy with him, hes pushy and demanding and will bother me till he gets an answer or a smile. Id want more than anything to find someone new and show him i can move on . i was dating someone 3 months ago but it did not work out, i sure know how to pick them :/ i am making this my goal to stick to this and push myself.. I know it wont be easy but i have no other choice. i will never be happy if i dont let him go. I can never even date anyone without comparing them to him ALL THE TIME. its annoying. My motivatiion is a song by adele someone like you,, its perfect and on repeat on my ipod. I will pray to god for forgiveness for what i have done but i feel bad for him i truly do. He will end up alone, his wife will find out once he tries this on another girl and he will have nonone. I was always there for him & now he not only lost me as a lover or whatever the hell i was but he lost a good friend because even he says so himself i have an amazing heart and i deserve the world. I am determined to not let this break me. I have got to stay strong & i plan to. Again any additional comments id appreciate, im sure this will be a long process and i plan on keeping everyone updated.

[livelaughlove59]

Why would anyone in their right mind tell you to try harder to further hurt someone elses wife?

 

But I'll digress on that point. You'd be doing his wife a favor if you snatched him. Then she can move on and find someone decent, and you can be stuck with the cheater/liar now.

 

 

--Okayy I understand their will always be negative comments, ill take it as harsh advice. Do you think i dont feel guilt for his wife? I feel horrible. But clearly she keeps taking him back over and over. Shes no angel herself. which i am NOT making excuses for him but their own relationship is a battlefield. I have made the decison to move on with my life so i do not plan to "snatch him' but thank you .

[stillafool]

You knew this guy was a player before you even got involved with him. He is doing what players do - play. If he truly meant that he loved you he would have married you not the other girl. As you see the minute she wanted him back he went back to her and now they are having a baby. It only takes one time having sex to get pregnant btw. The best thing for you to do is make it up in your mind you will not be his side piece anymore. I don't mean to sound cruel but that is exactly what he is using you for. He has who he wants at home and then he goes to work and plays with other girls. Let him go. If I were you I would find a new job and make a fresh start.

[livelaughlove59]

You knew this guy was a player before you even got involved with him. He is doing what players do - play. If he truly meant that he loved you he would have married you not the other girl. As you see the minute she wanted him back he went back to her and now they are having a baby. It only takes one time having sex to get pregnant btw. The best thing for you to do is make it up in your mind you will not be his side piece anymore. I don't mean to sound cruel but that is exactly what he is using you for. He has who he wants at home and then he goes to work and plays with other girls. Let him go. If I were you I would find a new job and make a fresh start.

 

 

WOW THANK YOU! Yeah are you ever so right! He went back to her in a minute! The thing is i was a fool all along. I knew he had a wife, he knew i knew the circumstances and i even agreed. I am no angel here but I am ready to put a stop to it. You are not being ccruel, i was a side piece, he claims he cares for me & would do anything for me but if that was true he would let me go and want me happy. Im literally in shock of how long it took me to wake up. I feel foolish, everyone at work knew. I am just ready for a new start!! Thank you so much

[whichwayisup]

As far as the responses about getting tested for STDS. I have done so & even though he has been with mutiple women, he is not dirty when it comes to sex. I am clean & so is he but thanks for concern.

 

This has nothing to do with him being dirty or not when it comes to sex. Clean kept people can get STD's too! Just because one may not show any symptoms of an STD, doesn't mean they don't have one or carry one. I'd get yourself re-tested in a few months just to be 100% sure.

[ComingInHot]

And I quote: "I knew I was attracted to him but had no chance".................

 

Re-read this again, and again, and THEN delete it, erase it, burn it because you were/are essentially telling yourself that you're not good enough, and that my lovely is simply NOT TRUE.

 

I'm taking off our "titles" here on LS for a minute to tell you this, because I read your post saying you already know what you should do ( believe me, when I post questions, a lot of times I too already know the answer) it's just the difficulty and pain that doing what you should entails.

 

In answer to your question ( that I still think was just a precursor to something different, see above*)... Should you try harder for him? Nah, I think you need to vision what life would be like for you if you did "get" him. The reality version, not fantasy, by the way*

 

I wish you the very best and I know a few ladies who may understand you & your situation better than myself, so LISTEN to them!

[skywriter]

LLL59,

 

I'm sorry for coming off as harsh, my daughter is older a few yrs older than you and so when I hear of younger women like you being played it really gets under my skin.

 

But hey, here I am now at 48 yrs old having to learn the lesson you are learning. My A is what brought me here and I'm finally getting my life back after being involved wiith a MM for nearly 6 yrs.

 

Just know you aren't alone and much of the advice you are given here is from first hand experience.

[bac]

I do not think that you are the other woman. I think you are one of his FWBs.

You believe that you have a romantic R with him because of the way he presents himself. I think he abuses you emotionally stating his love for you. If you want to try harder to have in your life a man who emotionally abuses you, it is your choice. He will never change into a decent BF/husband because he was not born this way. He will always cheat on all his wives and GFs. If you like the type of R (emotional S/M), you can always have the guy or you can replace him easily with many other guys like him.

If you go anywhere including online and state that you are fine with FWBs, you will get 1000s replies in the first 2 days. If you state that you are looking for FWBs with a married man, you will get even more replies from the men. The men are the worst men available and no one needs them.

Edited September 26, 2012 by bac

[Minka333]

You were a victim whose only fault was to love. When there's love you naturally hope. Hope he will change, hope he will stick with you, fight for you..etc.

 

But some things will never change. Acceptance is the only key to getting a closure. You love, get burnt, fall..and for sure you will rise up again. Charge everything to experience. No matter how bad the situation was, it still enriched your soul and you gained wisdom from it. One day, in the arms of a loving man you will look back and smile knowing you are in a much much better position.

[skywriter]

livelaughlove59It breaks my heart to even imagine him not in my life but it breaks my heart more to know hes not mine & probably never will be. How do i move on? How do I work there but ignore him? Do i find another job? Do I continue this affair? I am officially stuck. This weekend has been full of tears, thinking and just listening to many songs that doesnt really help the situation.

 

live, Have you considered why it breaks your heart not to have him in your life anymore? Seriously, ask yourself exactly what has he contributed to making your life better? Now, I'm not asking about his sense of humour, or if he buys the beer, or hangs out for a movie, or even how good he is in bed.

 

The people that are there for you when you're sick, or you have a flat tire and don't have the money until you get paid. The ones that care when someone in the family passes away, or wanna spend a special holiday or birthday with you. Those are the people who are there for the long haul.

 

Even the people who keep coming back after you've been in a bad mood and snapped on them. They love you enough to forgive, because they know what motivates your heart.

 

I'm under the impression that he's not the one. In fact, if you ask yourself, if someone new got hired at work, would you feel insecure and wonder if he was gonna try the new flavor of the week.

 

When you are truly loved, and valued, you should never have to feel insecure. It's a painful reality but you can learn this now and have all this behind you at a young age if you choose to.

[Fitz]

 

So Romeo started and was the player to say the least. I was very attracted to him but knew I had no chance. He seemed to cocky for me and flirted way to much with every girl in that workplace. What a turn off. He eventually started dating someone there, little did i Know he also had a relationship out of the work place with a girl who did not have her papers to be here. He had been dating her for 6 years. I was in shock. what a dog! & the girl was oblivous had no idea of his dog ways. Eventually the work relationship with that girl did not work out she quit and was back to player status and lurking again.

 

My 20th birthday I invited him to. Got a limo and went to the club with all our friends. Still at the time was just friends, danced with him, everyone had a great time. And after that we kind of hit it off at work. The flirting began, the grabbing and just the fun and thrill. 6 months later after my birthday was another co workers birthday. He was there along with many other people. Everyone was drinking a little to much. He was very touchy and even kissed me in front of everyone. At that point I knew i was the new girl in his life and everyone else knew to, not to mention the jealous girls who liked him as well. Not to stray away from the story but at this point in time I still had not lost my virginity. It was something very important. Even though I had oppurtunities to do it prior and 3 boyfriends It never felt right but I guess that night it did.

 

I ended up losing my virginity to Romeo that night. Not really the way I pictured it happening though. Drunk, in a car with a man who had a girlfriend . I AM NOT PROUD OF IT just for the record.

 

Moving forward, It was quite awkward when we went back to work on Monday. People would gossip how we left together but of course we both denied anything and everything to protect our jobs. But as the weeks went by the awkwardness left and things heated up again. The flirting continued, the hooking up did and the lies just kept building up. My jealousness escalated and I was caught up in his spell. but at the end of the day I had to remember he was not mine and he was going home to someone else but It didnt seem to bother me as much as him flirting with people at work?

 

So then came along a girl at work who started to like him & me and her grew close and she would tell me she liked him and i would have to sit there and just listen because i couldnt let my secret out. But wow would it kill me . So i find out he hooked up with her and i lost my cool and basically in a 3 month nutshell i turned them against eachother and got her fired but she does not know any of that. I ended up telling her everything about me and him and she was blindsighted and hurt and ever since then even though she acted okay I knew she hated me which is fine we ended up ending our friendship over a drunken night.

 

At that point I didnt know who i became. That was not ME! I started that job the most sweet innocent girl ever. But that was nothing compared to how messed up things are now. A year went by we continued this 'work' relationship, my 21st birthday ended up being a big party at a hotel on the beach where i had lots of people including him who made it know yet again we were something. Kissing me all night, dancing and just never leaving my side. He confessed to me the next day he was marrying his girlfriend.

 

My heart sunk.. He said he HAD to. She did not have her papers and it was approaching her 21st birthday where she would get deported. So yeah he did it. He marrried her and to this day they are still married.

Now this whole time I was not just waiting around for him, I did have two boyfriend within that time frame, had sexual partners but somehow me and him would always get back to it.

 

But married? That was serious and I told him id never let him cheat on her with me. but that did not work out.

 

Now this next part is going to have your eyes wide open and you probably are going to rip my ear off with advice and yell at me but thats okay its why im here

 

Romeo started a new relationship with another girl while he was married and the other girl knew about it. The other girl even knew about the other girl ME!! So you could only imagine how we felt about eachother. Eventually his wife found out about her and left him but did not divorce or she would get deported. He had nowhere to go to, he asked to stay with me and I said no way! He ended up getting a place with the other girl and basically dated her for 6 months till he got sick of it and told me how he was not happy. Durning this time he dated her me and him would not flirt, not hook up not even talk that much, I told myself I was done and i convinced myself i was. He left that girl and moved back to his moms. Now my 22nd birthday was here and he came alone, I knew it was trouble and was i ever so right. After 6 months we were back at it and spent the night together. His wife took him back the next week.

 

My 22nd birthday was last month.. It is exactly one month from that day but yet his wife is 5 weeks pregnant? Does anyone seem to question that timing? He only saw her for the first time in 6 months 3 weeks ago but he swears its his.

 

A BABY??? Are you kidding me?

 

Its blow after blow with this guy but this was the last straw or was it? Work was the same, the flirting and at this point EVERYONE knew about us, even the big boss and it wasnt hiden anymore. People knew not to mess with me and same thing with him but yet again I knew when he left work he wasnt mine, he was hers.

 

Just 2 days ago I came over and we sat and watched a movie, drank a little and he ended up opening up to me. He told me he loved me and told me im strong for understanding how he was married but always sticking by his side and for that he wanted me to be his girl. I told him he was crazy and does he hear what hes saying right now? He will never leave his wife. Why would i even get myself into that? What good does it for me? Yeah basically he wanted his cake & to eat it too. Its true but even though as you see these past 4 years I dont seem like the smartest girl with these decisons I have made I would NEVER be someones devoted official OTHER GIRL. I deserve better and with that yeah we hooked up, yeah we cuddled but his wife was coming to pick him up around 2am.

 

On the drive home I just lost it. I sat in my car and cried for hours. & I am not the type to cry. but soooo much was built up and those last 6 hours we spent together was so perfect yet so not real that it was the breaking point. What the hell am i doing? HES MARRIED. HE HAS A BABY ON THE WAY. HE HAS HOOKED UP WITH GIRLS IN THE SAME WORKPLACE. HE HAS HURT ME SO MANY TIMES. Yeah good times we have had were amazing and He has always been there for me and truly has been a good friend despite our secret relationship. So hes half heartless and half a good person truly. but still how long am i going to let this last? When am i finally going to move on with my life?

 

First of all, your story is absolutely stuffed full of red flags. So many red flags, that I can't even begin to address them all. Which is to say, you have a very dangerous way of ignoring important warning signs. Be aware. Others here have likened it to a blindness. I completely agree.

 

Second, of all -stories like this are why some people believe its better to be a "bad boy" and treat women like crap -than to be a nice guy (because allegedly nice guys always lose).

 

The deeper truth is this: when a woman has self esteem issues, she'll allow herself (and may even prefer) to be mistreated by a man whom she mistakes as "high value" or "out of her league". Because she believes that this man is her superior and "above her level" so to speak, then she'll also believe that she is not worthy of his affection/devotion. So she'll try to earn it instead. (by offering her virginity, being a doormat, offering cake, trying to outperform other women, etc. )

 

In other words, she'll willingly endure his abuse in order to win this supposedly "high value" man as her prize. And thus ultimately validate her self worth -once and for all against the naysayers and detractors.

 

The problem is that he reaps the benefits of your devotion without actually ever having to do anything to truly earn it! (No, simply being nice to you on your birthday and other such "bread crumbs" etc. do NOT count). And yet your self worth gets hinged upon a man who can never deserve it!

 

It's a paradox with no resolution! It's a catch-22. Its a downward spiral of trying to win his approval (once and for all!) in order to feel good about yourself. And it's a game you can never win.

 

Well, that is unless you finally figure out how to love yourself and validate your own self worth. Shore up your own self esteem. Demand to be respected (especially demand respect from you yourself). And break the perpetual cycle of abuse, "bad boys", and low self esteem.

Edited September 26, 2012 by Fitz