guydownsouth Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Ex dumped me 2 weeks ago for what I assume was me being clingy, though she never said it specifically. She just said she was overwhelmed. When we first started dating, I was definitely not clingy, but I've convinced myself that as time went on I became clingy without realizing it. The fact that we're in school together and share a class didn't help. I just wish she knew that if I had realized I was being clingy, I would have immediately adjusted my behavior and given her more space. I just assumed she was happy with the dynamics of how much we were seeing each other. Maybe she dumped me because she thought this is just how I always am in relationships. She didn't give me a chance to fix it, which I EASILY could've. We've been NC for 2 weeks. In a couple more weeks, can I break NC to say something to her about this? A short, well-written text/email or something? Should I say nothing and move on? If I say something, maybe she'll give me another chance, maybe she won't. But regardless, I just know that this one thing is going to be bugging me if I say nothing.
Dblock10 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 so you never got a reason, then went into nc? hmm id have pushed for an answer if it was me, i dont like unfinished business. but yeah, maybe best to ask and see what response you get.
Simon Phoenix Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 He got a reason -- she was overwhelmed. I would say to the OP that if he's doing it in an attempt to get her back to not do it, because it won't work and he'll get his heart stomped. If he's doing it to set the record straight and doesn't care either way if she comes back, then it's a little better of an idea.
Author guydownsouth Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 so you never got a reason, then went into nc? hmm id have pushed for an answer if it was me, i dont like unfinished business. but yeah, maybe best to ask and see what response you get. She just said beginning at a new school is hectic (she's a grad student in a difficult program), she feels overwhelmed, wants to establish herself and make friends, and doesn't feel ready for a serious relationship. So I'm not sure if that was the reason or if it was a cover for another reason. If I message her, how should I word what I say?
Simon Phoenix Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 She just said beginning at a new school is hectic (she's a grad student in a difficult program), she feels overwhelmed, wants to establish herself and make friends, and doesn't feel ready for a serious relationship. So I'm not sure if that was the reason or if it was a cover for another reason. If I message her, how should I word what I say? Send a blank piece of paper.
Author guydownsouth Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 guydownsouth, Do you really need to go down in a Blaze Of Glory? Whatever you are thinking and wanting to do... do the opposite! Writing your Ex a letter and asking her to break up with you all over again is just going to make her not like you more and push her further away. Is that what you want? Being pathetic, weak and desperate is not attractive or desirable. Not to mention, it has NEVER worked, EVER! So my only option to have a shot with her is to go NC permanently? I'm just annoyed with myself that I had a great thing and messed things up by being clingy, assuming that was the reason. She was so interested in me in the beginning. It's frustrating.
Simon Phoenix Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 So my only option to have a shot with her is to go NC permanently? I'm just annoyed with myself that I had a great thing and messed things up by being clingy, assuming that was the reason. She was so interested in me in the beginning. It's frustrating. By doing this you are still coming off as clingy. You need to step back.
Author guydownsouth Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 (edited) So your advice is work on myself and go no contact? How do I act if I see her in class? Everyday when class gets out and 100 people are headed toward the exit, our paths usually cross and I have NO IDEA how to act. Should I be acknowledging her/looking in her direction? Edited September 25, 2012 by guydownsouth
love does not exist Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Stop being a pussy. Keep no contact.
Author guydownsouth Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 Stop being a pussy. Keep no contact. I got you, but what about when our paths cross in school, like when class gets out? Should I be pretending not to notice her if she is walking 2 feet from me?
suladas Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 If it will eat at you knowing you didn't try to get her back, do it. Yes if she rejects you (which is very likely) you'll hurt worse again. I tried in a dignified way with my ex, didn't work, I'd still do it again if I could do it over. It was part of the process of moving on. If you do it, just do it right and not in a desperate way.
Author guydownsouth Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 If it will eat at you knowing you didn't try to get her back, do it. Yes if she rejects you (which is very likely) you'll hurt worse again. I tried in a dignified way with my ex, didn't work, I'd still do it again if I could do it over. It was part of the process of moving on. If you do it, just do it right and not in a desperate way. How can it be done without looking desperate?
Mike_d Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 So my only option to have a shot with her is to go NC permanently? I'm just annoyed with myself that I had a great thing and messed things up by being clingy, assuming that was the reason. She was so interested in me in the beginning. It's frustrating. here, watch this:
bluescityangel Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I'm totally in your shoes guydownsouth. I feel like if I could get the reason....I might could fix it. I guess I am trying to get around the fact that he ended it with me and I don't know why. =( All I can say is that he knows how I feel. He knows I love him. To me, that is the important thing and if he can still walk away knowing that? Then do I really want him anyway? The answer is no. So IMHO if you cannot trust yourself not to go into a dissertation or even a short quip about how you are not the klingon she thinks you are? Then you don't say a word to her even if she is 12 inches from you. Nod if you must and keep walking.
thembones Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I went through this exact same thing and at about a month, I asked for the closure I thought I deserved. It was like she was breaking up with me all over again, unfortunately as someone already stated. I really needed this closure, because I had so many questions that I never got answered. After that, I really felt I could move on and a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I do not know the best route here, but I am personally glad I had my questions answered. But you do have to prepare to be denied access to closure. It sucks but there is nothing you can do about it. If you do meet in person, STAY STRONG as you possibly can. I cannot say that it will do much, but it might show that you are not a weak person and maybe make her think. Best of luck and God bless friend.
Simon Phoenix Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 How can it be done without looking desperate? It can't. The only way you should ever do this is if you truly don't care whether she comes back or not. Of course, if you are to that stage then you have no reason to put it all out there anyway. So just don't. It's a tragically bad idea. Right now nothing you say will be the right thing, so the best thing is to say nothing. This will be a gory car wreck if you follow through with this impulse. As for seeing her in class, be polite but short. Give her a nod if you must. Otherwise, there's no need to talk to her.
suladas Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 How can it be done without looking desperate? Well avoid things like I miss you, take me back things like that. Something more like asking to try things again, also don't blame yourself for everything when you contact her. It may come off a tiny bit desperate still, but nowhere as bad if you word it right.
suladas Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Only you know what's the best thing to do. Contacting them is not all about getting them back, it's also closure and knowing its time to move on. It's no mystery it will hurt worse if you try and get rejected but sometimes in the long run its better for certain situations.
Simon Phoenix Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Only you know what's the best thing to do. Contacting them is not all about getting them back, it's also closure and knowing its time to move on. It's no mystery it will hurt worse if you try and get rejected but sometimes in the long run its better for certain situations. I still think it's a terrible idea unless you really don't care about getting the person back and you are just looking to set the record straight. Even then it seems unnecessary, but if you truly have no desire to get the person back then it's not the worst idea in the world. However, I don't think the OP is at that stage. I truly think this will make everything worse -- from his feelings to his interactions with his ex. These never ever go well.
suladas Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Everyone gets closure in different ways. Many people feel they need to contact their ex and see if they are feeling the same way about trying things again (if the person trying to move on does want to get back together). And once they do that and find out most likely no, they know they need to move on. How many people would hate themselves if down the road they found out their ex wanted them back but neither person reached out? I think that would really suck. He knows his situation the best, and knows the risks with contacting her again, as long as he takes his time i'm sure he'll make the right decision.
LostOne1 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Everyone gets closure in different ways. Many people feel they need to contact their ex and see if they are feeling the same way about trying things again (if the person trying to move on does want to get back together). And once they do that and find out most likely no, they know they need to move on. How many people would hate themselves if down the road they found out their ex wanted them back but neither person reached out? I think that would really suck. He knows his situation the best, and knows the risks with contacting her again, as long as he takes his time i'm sure he'll make the right decision. that's kinda how I feel... I think my ex might be looking at me to make contact... But normally if we had any small fight, she was the first to contact me. But maybe after our major breakup, she wants to see if I will contact her instead of her chasing me always... But then again.. it's a risk and I don't want to rush it. The pain of her being cold.. if she is.. I think I can handle. She has already said the most painful things earlier a month ago. I do agree.. it might help a perosn move on knowing even after NC there is no chance or the ex still hasn't gotten over it all and has the hate still left.
LostOne1 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 You don't believe your Ex broke up with you? You need them to reconfirm it? Break up again? Your Ex not contacting you, didn't clue you in? Them dating someone else? You need to remind them that you are alive and exist? You think jarring their memory is all that is needed to want you back? People, if they wanted to be with you, they would! it's possible, but maybe they are thinking the same thing... that we don't want them, so they feel like they don't want to make a move. Then again your comments are right though.. if someone really wanted to be with you.. they would contact you in anyway. 1
suladas Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 You don't believe your Ex broke up with you? You need them to reconfirm it? Break up again? Your Ex not contacting you, didn't clue you in? Them dating someone else? You need to remind them that you are alive and exist? You think jarring their memory is all that is needed to want you back? People, if they wanted to be with you, they would! Who said they are dating someone else? My ex made it clear she didn't want a relationship with anyone at this point, and hasn't been out with anyone since. Like I said every situation is different. I'm going off of my experience, in that I did make contact, failed and it helped me to move on. I didn't want to move on knowing what could of happened. We both liked each other for months and no one spoke up for a long time, so knowing that I put myself out there this time to see. Again, everyone's situation is different.
suladas Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 it's possible, but maybe they are thinking the same thing... that we don't want them, so they feel like they don't want to make a move. Then again your comments are right though.. if someone really wanted to be with you.. they would contact you in anyway. Exactly. How do you know they aren't feeling extremely guilty about hurting you and to ashamed to make contact? It's rare, but it's happened i'm sure. There isn't much harm in making contact in my experience, just a couple days of setback, which in the whole pictures of things is nothing.
Simon Phoenix Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Exactly. How do you know they aren't feeling extremely guilty about hurting you and to ashamed to make contact? It's rare, but it's happened i'm sure. There isn't much harm in making contact in my experience, just a couple days of setback, which in the whole pictures of things is nothing. People also get struck by lightning occasionally.
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