aiyam Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I've been seeing some text messages between my husband and his co-worker. Having a past that consist of being cheated, I got paranoid. I also notice that the messages were being deleted. That was a red flag to me. I felt I am being cheated. I know that he will not go to the sexual side of cheating but I really feel hurt and rejected. With that, I started checking his phone, and since its an iphone I cannot read the past messages in detail but I can see some of them with the search capability. It made me feel worse, seeing them yet not knowing. It also showed some call history. They are not long conversations but the frequency bothered me. Last night, being a woman, I insist on asking him, and making him say that he did flirt with her. He said, it was nothing. That it don't mean anything and that I am the love of his life, and he loves me. And if it would make me feel better, his gonna delete the number on his phone and keep his distance from her. But, what was done was already affecting me. I am now, sad and my self esteem is beginning to drop, big time. I know I haven't been back to my pre pregnancy look, and that staying at home, and not working has been sucking out my confidence as I am in a foreign land supporting him. I don't know how to drive, and there is no decent public transpo that I can utilize. I am literally stucked at home. this is not something i am ready to talk with my friends, which in any case they are thousand miles away from me. i know myself, and I know that I'd be thinking about this for a long time. It is hurting me so much. I don't feel like talking to him, nor being beside him. I even removed our profile picture together, instead I place a solo picture of myself and our baby, so iof me? I even dreamt about this last night. I guess I am that badly hurt. i am actually in confusion on how to deal with this.
Author aiyam Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 I hope someone can give me insight as I don't have the courage to share this to people i know
Cb3657 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 hello you should read some other stories on this site there are many examples of this behaviour evolving into a affair. I will say you have to stop blaming yourself or the way you look, this is not the problem. Think of it this way did the man you married marry you because your pretty or did he marry you after getting to know you. There is plenty of cheap sex out there, even with pretty girls, so I think he married you for you. You should try to reset the situation. If he has not cheated and really cuts contact its time to get a babysitter and go out with each other, when I was first married it seemed like the kids were all we talked about it got quite boring. Get some other couples for dinner rebuild the reasons you got toghther in the first place. Good luck
NervisPervis Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I'm guesing he didn't tell you about how much he was communicating with the girl. It was an affair. You don't recover from an affair with "sorry, my bad. Won't do it again. Now what's for dinner". That's called rug sweeping. He's got some explaining to do. You are not going to get over this until you work on it, and he needs to do the heavy lifting. 11 years after rugsweeping in my marriage, it came to a head again and now we are close to divorce. We don't like each other much now. If we had dealt with back then, things may have been different. As of right now, it's BAD!
Author aiyam Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 hello you should read some other stories on this site there are many examples of this behaviour evolving into a affair. I will say you have to stop blaming yourself or the way you look, this is not the problem. Think of it this way did the man you married marry you because your pretty or did he marry you after getting to know you. There is plenty of cheap sex out there, even with pretty girls, so I think he married you for you. You should try to reset the situation. If he has not cheated and really cuts contact its time to get a babysitter and go out with each other, when I was first married it seemed like the kids were all we talked about it got quite boring. Get some other couples for dinner rebuild the reasons you got toghther in the first place. Good luck Hi cb357. Thanks. Part of what you said was right. He married me for me. We are into our third year of marriage, and it never has been smooth because of finances, being far from home, and the stress from his work. I hope resetting will be that easy, but i am afraid its gonna be hard for me, and im not sure on how he will handle that, especially that he has a lot of stress from work.
Author aiyam Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 I'm guesing he didn't tell you about how much he was communicating with the girl. It was an affair. You don't recover from an affair with "sorry, my bad. Won't do it again. Now what's for dinner". That's called rug sweeping. He's got some explaining to do. You are not going to get over this until you work on it, and he needs to do the heavy lifting. 11 years after rugsweeping in my marriage, it came to a head again and now we are close to divorce. We don't like each other much now. If we had dealt with back then, things may have been different. As of right now, it's BAD! Im not sure about that, and i actually want to know more but afraid that would be too much pressuring. I want this to work, but i want to be real happy and i want to be worry free. If only i have work or friends that i could go out with, it might help. But staying at home, leaves me no choice but to rethink things over and over again, and that makes my head and heart ache more.
kae Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 ok i met an african lady who gave me some grandma like advice..here goes 1. There will always be another women.. not an affair but the competion aspect. 2. Its ok to be a stay at home wife.. just keep the house clean, keep the kids quiet, keep him fed with REAL meals and look like a lady and smell good 3. Ignore other women.. they make you insecure.. and play on it. Insecurity is what will drive your man to another woman. Look at it this way, if youre secure..she`ll become insecure. 4. Sweet talk is key.. AND soft spoken discussions of problems wow.. i remembered. hahaha Good Luck
BetrayedH Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 You have no idea what the text messages said?
Author aiyam Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 That type of naive thinking will get the rug pulled right out from underneath you. You need to quit depending on him to be your entire life. You're making all kinds of excuses for being "trapped" in the house. Take a driving course, join a club, get a hobby. Stop living your life solely for this man who can't even show you the respect you deserve for sacrificing everything and everyone you know and love to live in some godforesaken 3rd world country. You're WAY too dependent on the man and it's a complete turnoff for him. That doesn't give him the right to disrespect you, however. It's not that I'm being dependent on him. I want to take driving course but it's gonna cost and we have to put our baby to a daycare or sitter and that would add up dollars again. And finances are just enough or sometimes not. We talked last night and he said that he is owning up to his mistakes. He said that he would do everything to make it up, and earn my trust one day at a time. He said that he is still in love and wants me, and doesnt want me to go away, and he is confident that he can not do the same mistake again, and if he did, that i can just leave him together w our baby. No talks, that how confident he was that he will not hurt me again. He said that maybe he was clouded by our small fights toward finances.
Author aiyam Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 ok i met an african lady who gave me some grandma like advice..here goes 1. There will always be another women.. not an affair but the competion aspect. 2. Its ok to be a stay at home wife.. just keep the house clean, keep the kids quiet, keep him fed with REAL meals and look like a lady and smell good 3. Ignore other women.. they make you insecure.. and play on it. Insecurity is what will drive your man to another woman. Look at it this way, if youre secure..she`ll become insecure. 4. Sweet talk is key.. AND soft spoken discussions of problems wow.. i remembered. hahaha Good Luck Thanks kae. I know that at least i have to take care of myself again, not just for him but mostly for myself. I have been put down by being home, and I guess i just have to make the most out of it. I know eventually that i will be able to work again, but should not wait for that for my confidence to build up. Mind over heart.
Author aiyam Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 You have no idea what the text messages said? I have some ideas. Like the innocent jokes or friendly stuffs that is just too frequent. He will not put sexual stuff or more, that is for sure. I just dont want to let that continue and lead to more texts or calls. I was his friend and that was how we started, and i want him to go to me even if the problem is w me.
Author aiyam Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 Just an update: we've been trying to talk about it, and he said that he is really sorry that he has hurt me. He said that there were really no intentions of cheating. It was just a communication thing, of hi hello what r u doing, and nothing else. He said that maybe it was just about his ego, being the girl has been coined beautiful by people in their workplace, but nothing more. He said more than anything it is me, and our family he wants to be with. That he will not let another wrong decision happen and hurt me. I am willing of course to make this work, i know i havent been the best wife, but no one deserves to be hurt. We are both young and i know we have to learn. I told him that everytime he is out in the gym i feel like maybe he is texting her and he said one of the things that should help me is him leaving his phone with me while he is there and he will just bring my phone in order for us to contact each other. And he said that he will now be more conscious of his actions, and if another thing like that happens, he said that i can go,no talks, he said he is that confident that he wont let that happen again. What do u think?
Ninja'sHusband Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Reading the thread over again (I don't think I've responded until now)... I'm not sure there's enough information to call foul yet. How long ago did you give birth to your child? Is there a chance that you are experiencing postpartum depression? Can you tell us more about how he's been acting, or if there are anymore red flags? After going through what I've been through I would never suggest closing your eyes...but you have to balance it as well. Constant jealous suspicion can drive a good(or otherwise) spouse crazy and push them away. He definitely shouldn't be hiding texts, that is suspiciuos but doesn't necessarily mean anything has happened yet. I hope things work out for you
I'm nuts Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 I think there are a few clues in there. You say you don't think you've been the best wife, and you also talk about small fights. Not making excuses but this can wear someone down and they can look to someone else to talk to who doesn't give them grief, because they don't live together they don't see that side. With todays technology it is an easy trap to fall in to, I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but I can see clearly why and how easily it can happen.
Author aiyam Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 Reading the thread over again (I don't think I've responded until now)... I'm not sure there's enough information to call foul yet. How long ago did you give birth to your child? Is there a chance that you are experiencing postpartum depression? Can you tell us more about how he's been acting, or if there are anymore red flags? After going through what I've been through I would never suggest closing your eyes...but you have to balance it as well. Constant jealous suspicion can drive a good(or otherwise) spouse crazy and push them away. He definitely shouldn't be hiding texts, that is suspiciuos but doesn't necessarily mean anything has happened yet. I hope things work out for you Yes you are right. I also believe no foul done yet except for the messages being deleted and phone calls i was unaware of. As far as I can recall, no more red flags. He has been the same. And every morning before leaving for work, he kisses me and our boy, and says I love you to me, and won't go until i said it back. I know that yeah it might push him, but i am also trying to control myself, and better myself as well. Not only i don't want to push him away, but i also want the confident me before. I am just sometimes confused on how to act. I want to reach out more but afraid that he will think that i will always be like that even he does something wrong.
Author aiyam Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 I think there are a few clues in there. You say you don't think you've been the best wife, and you also talk about small fights. Not making excuses but this can wear someone down and they can look to someone else to talk to who doesn't give them grief, because they don't live together they don't see that side. With todays technology it is an easy trap to fall in to, I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but I can see clearly why and how easily it can happen. So what do you suggest I do? Sometimes we fight over finances because he can't control spending money for clothes, shoes and etc. he has too much of everything already and as much as i want to give everything he likes, i can not because we have debts, and bills to pay for. I tried letting him control his finances but it doesn't work. I love him, and will want to be with him for worst and good times.
Author aiyam Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 So what do you suggest I do? Sometimes we fight over finances because he can't control spending money for clothes, shoes and etc. he has too much of everything already and as much as i want to give everything he likes, i can not because we have debts, and bills to pay for. I tried letting him control his finances but it doesn't work. I love him, and will want to be with him for worst and good times. And also, i am not having postpartum depression, our boy is now two years old.
Owl Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Relationship/marriage counseling. Getting into an environment where the two of you can talk about the difficult things with a neutral third party acting as referee can help a LOT.
Author aiyam Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Everything seems to be getting normal again. He gave me his phone yesterday before he went out to play basketball. We had a good morning, and i am looking forward to a wonderful weekend 1
Recommended Posts