half_ofa_heart Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I haven’t posted my own thread in quite some time but I have a question for the FOW out there… At what point did you let go of hope? Was it BEFORE or AFTER you ended the A? I have done everything to end the A including going NC. Although it hasn’t been complete NC since we work for the same company as well as live in a small town therefore run into each other from time to time, for the most part its NC. The A ended in Feb of this year and I’ve had good days and bad days. Certainly seeing him and even worse when I see THEM together, it’s a bad day but for the most part I am confident the A is over. Then I run into him and talk to him and he tells me how a day doesn’t go by that he’s not thinking of me… it’s as though he’s watering and fertilizing that seed of hope that I thought I had sprayed enough round up on to kill bamboo!!! When will that seed of hope be dead forever?
mercy Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 My sisters last seed of hope died when his last child graduated and he had another excuse as to why he wasn't going to leave....yet. Yet never came. And still he cheats just not with her anymore. Wonder what his excuse is now.
veryhappy Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 (edited) He needs to get his finances in order. He'd lose too much. She's helpless wihout him...they're self generating these excuses. half_ofa_heart, you need to keep conversation to a bare minimum. You also need to punch and slap him metaphorically to end talking about the A. He's disrespecting you andsettig you back. He has no business feeding you bs about thinking of you daily. He should find a therapist to deal with that, not dump it on you and go home to his usual life. Stand your ground, and don't put up with that. If you still want him, let him know to notify you once he'll be available. You won't be able to let go of hope if this is what you want if he still has way to bs you. Edited September 24, 2012 by cutedragon 1
Ladydrib Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I haven’t posted my own thread in quite some time but I have a question for the FOW out there… At what point did you let go of hope? Was it BEFORE or AFTER you ended the A? I have done everything to end the A including going NC. Although it hasn’t been complete NC since we work for the same company as well as live in a small town therefore run into each other from time to time, for the most part its NC. The A ended in Feb of this year and I’ve had good days and bad days. Certainly seeing him and even worse when I see THEM together, it’s a bad day but for the most part I am confident the A is over. Then I run into him and talk to him and he tells me how a day doesn’t go by that he’s not thinking of me… it’s as though he’s watering and fertilizing that seed of hope that I thought I had sprayed enough round up on to kill bamboo!!! When will that seed of hope be dead forever? For me it died when he said he was going to get divorced because he had found he could not live without me, but then he never did anything. I realized at that point that he and I wanted different things. He wanted an affair and I wanted a real relationship or none at all. Although he always said he didn't want an affair and wanted to make it right, I no longer believe that because when he finally stopped circling about what to do, his actions did not back up his non circling words. That's when I realized he was only going to do whatever it took to keep me as an affair partner. And you are so right, he is totally planting a seed in your head. Why would anyone say anything like that unless they were trying to keep some door open, or some bridge unburned? That's exactly why he said it. Just in case. And he does this at the expense of your emotions. Let him go. Look at the reality of the situation. Don't listen to his words. Know that's all he has to offer is words. Good luck. 1
Author half_ofa_heart Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 He needs to get his finances in order. He'd lose too much. She's helpless wihout him...they're self generating these excuses. half_ofa_heart, you need to keep conversation to a bare minimum. You also need to punch and slap him metaphorically to end talking about the A. He's disrespecting you andsettig you back. He has no business feeding you bs about thinking of you daily. He should find a therapist to deal with that, not dump it on you and go home to his usual life. Stand your ground, and don't put up with that. If you still want him, let him know to notify you once he'll be available. Honestly the contact is few and far between (like twice in a given month at the most) and most of the time, it's casual "how ya doin" cuz he's with his wife, it's only when she's not around that he'll talk of the A. Of all the times I have tried to end this, this time, he has really done EVERYTHING to not contact me. He knows I'm hurting and realizes he can't ever give me what I need so he's doing what he can. I just need to learn to NOT allow the seed of hope to be watered. That's where I'm having a hard time. I can't rely on him to do it for me, I need to do it on my own. 1
veryhappy Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 If it's your hope then, and you want to kill it, the way to do it is to face reality. Write it down: Reality is he has no plans of being with me. Reality is he is very married. Reality is that he lied to me. Reality is that he has set me back when I was trying to move on. I'm sure you can find plenty. Instead of flying on the hands hope, focus on reality. Focus on his actions or inaction. Don't lie to yourself, and hope will die as a consequence. 4
Author half_ofa_heart Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 If it's your hope then, and you want to kill it, the way to do it is to face reality. Write it down: Reality is he has no plans of being with me. Reality is he is very married. Reality is that he lied to me. Reality is that he has set me back when I was trying to move on. I'm sure you can find plenty. Instead of flying on the hands hope, focus on reality. Focus on his actions or inaction. Don't lie to yourself, and hope will die as a consequence. Thank you Dragon! I just got thru telling myself to close my ears and open my eyes. Thanks for the reminder.
whichwayisup Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Then I run into him and talk to him and he tells me how a day doesn’t go by that he’s not thinking of me… it’s as though he’s watering and fertilizing that seed of hope that I thought I had sprayed enough round up on to kill bamboo!!! When will that seed of hope be dead forever? Half,,,been thinking of you..Glad you posted . Okay, stop allowing him to 'go there' with you. Tell him to keep those thoughts thoughts and feelings to himself as you don't want to hear it from him. Remind him that the A is over and that talk of the A, of him missing you is pointless and hurtful too. Then walk away from him. He isn't thinking of you and what it does to you when he says stuff like that. How it keeps the door open, a tiny crack and that gives you a seed of hope that 'one day...'... Time to make yourself get over it and not go there either. IN your head, don't ever allow yourself to fantasize, wish or hope. Wish I had a magic wand to wave at you, so it would all disappear and be easier on you. 2
canuckprincess Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Honestly the contact is few and far between (like twice in a given month at the most) and most of the time, it's casual "how ya doin" cuz he's with his wife, it's only when she's not around that he'll talk of the A. Of all the times I have tried to end this, this time, he has really done EVERYTHING to not contact me. He knows I'm hurting and realizes he can't ever give me what I need so he's doing what he can. I just need to learn to NOT allow the seed of hope to be watered. That's where I'm having a hard time. I can't rely on him to do it for me, I need to do it on my own. You said from time to time you see your xmm and his wife together, does his wife know about your A. How long were you involved with your mm? When you ended it how long before he didn't consume your every thought?
Breathless Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 If it's your hope then, and you want to kill it, the way to do it is to face reality. Write it down: Reality is he has no plans of being with me. Reality is he is very married. Reality is that he lied to me. Reality is that he has set me back when I was trying to move on. Hope is a the killer of recovery I think. Its been a little over a year of complete NC for me and my xMM. Well almost complete NC - I see him from time to time on the road but we completely ignore each other and do all in our power to get away from each other as fast as possible. But considering we are both married and went NC the day after DDay, it's understood. We went NC without a word, we just stopped existing in each others world. It was more of pride that kept me away at first but now it's for self preservation. I'm still fighting every moment of every day to R with my BH just as I believe xMM is doing with his BW...but it still doesn't help with the occasional HOPING! Each and everytime I see him on the road and each and every time he turns his head away from me drives that stupid dagger deeper into my heart. It literally sets me back for a few days with the thoughts of him and day dreams of how things were between us before DDAY. Then I start to remember how he always turns away - turns his back on me - and I start to feel rejected and worthless. It's a cycle that I wish I could break and its the stupid feeling of hope that always kick starts the vicious cycle. Once the cycle is broken I am able to see reality again - reality of my BH who comes home every night with smile and a kiss ready for me. The reality that the man who broke me, who rejected me, who proved that I was not worth the inconvenience that I caused in his life, is making it blatantly clear - he does not want me. So the pain of hope is delivered by me by my own hands. Your MM may say all these things to you every time you see him - but it's you who allows the hope to seep in and it's you who starts to believe the words he says. But it's also you who chooses not see to see his actions - he is still married to his wife. Blah...hope will fade eventually for you and for me...but it's up to us as to when it does. 1
frozensprouts Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 i expect it would be hard, but just walk on by with your head held up high looking straight ahead...
AnotherRound Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 I haven’t posted my own thread in quite some time but I have a question for the FOW out there… At what point did you let go of hope? Was it BEFORE or AFTER you ended the A? I have done everything to end the A including going NC. Although it hasn’t been complete NC since we work for the same company as well as live in a small town therefore run into each other from time to time, for the most part its NC. The A ended in Feb of this year and I’ve had good days and bad days. Certainly seeing him and even worse when I see THEM together, it’s a bad day but for the most part I am confident the A is over. Then I run into him and talk to him and he tells me how a day doesn’t go by that he’s not thinking of me… it’s as though he’s watering and fertilizing that seed of hope that I thought I had sprayed enough round up on to kill bamboo!!! When will that seed of hope be dead forever? For me, it wasn't really hope, bc I had no idea what I wanted with him. The affair was sufficient while I was very busy getting degrees and working and pulling LONG weeks - it fit nicely with that. But then, when all that stopped, and I had a chance to breathe, I realized that I didn't want the affair anymore. It wasn't about him, or wanting him to leave his wife, I honestly wasn't thinking like that. It was more that I just didn't want to do what we were doing any longer. And I honestly had no idea if I'd want to do anything with him ever again - but I KNEW that I wouldn't want the affair ever again, and I haven't. So, I realized before I ended it that it wasn't going to work the way it was for me any longer. So, I guess prior to ending it my "hope" was gone. But I wasn't actively hoping for anything (I think you're saying hope that you will be together, or it will work out, or something like that?), I was just deciding that what I had was not what I wanted - and not really thinking about what I wanted, just knowing what I didn't want. And, since everyone is trying to R, I can imagine that would be difficult. But honestly, I would try to see the situation realistically, in that it's not a reflection on you or your self worth or your "market value" - it's much more about him when he ignores you, or turns away, or whatever. My exMM used to always say, "it's not about the caliber of the woman", and that makes a lot of sense to me. It's not you vs her, as in rejection, it's your marriage and his marriage - 2 completely separate things that are independent of the other. And if you are both trying to reconcile those relationships, then that is where the focus is - not on "not wanting" you or rejecting you, but choosing to reinvest in his marriage, as you are. I think if you focus on the fact that you are "rejecting" him too in favor of reconciling with your H, you will see the situation a little more clearly. And maybe, with realizing that it's not about you or your worth, some of that hurt will subside and allow you to realize that you are making choices too, and you are also choosing not to be with HIM. So, it's a mutual agreement to focus on your marriages - not a rejection of each other as people. 2
Author half_ofa_heart Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 I have no desire whatsoever to go back to being the OW!!!! The hope I had (and sometimes have) is that we could be together. I miss the time we spent together. I don't miss feeling like the option! I know the more distance between us will kill the hope... it's just a matter of time.
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