My marriage/life decisions - where to go?

[Leelou]

I feel like I'm in a transition. For too many years I accepted my situation in my marriage, and just tread water to survive.

 

Background info: I've been married for 26 years, was faithful to a serial cheating H for the first 22 years, then I snapped and had an A of my own -- completely my own decision. I ended that recently, but that door is still 'open' as far as OMM is concerned.

I feel like I have no motivation left to do anything; my new Grad studies are interesting and yet I cannot focus on my studies to do my homework -- my mind is all over the place. I feel like quitting.

 

I am disturbed by my H planning his own vacations without me (a first in our marriage) -- he has two coming up in October and November, to the point where he isn't even coming home for Thanksgiving, but plans to for Xmas.

 

Our kids are both in college and I am suffering a bit from the empty nest syndrome as I was a SAHM for so many years.

 

I recently quit my job, mostly to focus on my full time studies.

 

I am aware that my M is basically non-existent but am feeling sad about this. Even though my H is narcissistic and a serial cheater, he's been away for so long that all that pain is but a distant memory, and so now I mostly remember the good parts of him and miss 'us'.

 

I am in a funk... I am close to quitting my studies and uprooting and going to see what H is up to where he lives (thousands of miles away)...

 

I don't know why I feel the way I do, but I feel lonely. I feel great loss in not having intimacy, love, affection, respect -- a working marital relationship. I feel lost and don't know what direction to take. I feel like giving up my studies, but will be left without anything 'meaningful' to do.

 

I don't know if I should try ONE LAST TIME with my H to salvage our M or let it limp along, where we both "know our place" and nothing nasty or mean gets said or goes down.

 

I just don't know.

 

Can anyone see anything in my situation or offer any advice?

 

I feel like infidelity took me down a wrong street and I don't know how to get back on track with my life, or where to go. All I know is that this, over the past decade, trauma severely affected me in every way, in that I have not fulfilled any potential and have made some bad choices along the way. I feel lost.

Edited September 24, 2012 by Leelou

[veryhappy]

Why did I think you had divorced your serial cheating husband? Why haven't you?

 

Whatever you do, don't quit school. I think you know that. Maybe file before his vacation so you sour his mood?

[Leelou]

We live apart. Maybe that's why you thought we were divorced?

 

I think you may be onto something when you suggest filing... but... I don't know if that will help resolve my uncertainties and indecisiveness (have lived in limbo for so long) or just throw us all, especially ME, into a worse life. Financially speaking he still sends me money, he still pays for us all. He also keeps half his money for himself in his own bank account, which he never did before.

Divorce will bring worse living conditions for me and the kids, there's no way I could keep the house (they come home as often as they can).

 

Perhaps I need to be thrown into a state of desperateness in order to get off my ass and start working hard.

 

About school -- I like what I study. I just can't focus on my homework, my mind jumps all over the place, it takes me all my effort to stay off the internet, it takes ten times longer to read my work. I don't understand why I am making this harder for myself. My brain cannot focus.

[BetrayedH]

We live apart. Maybe that's why you thought we were divorced?

 

I think you may be onto something when you suggest filing... but... I don't know if that will help resolve my uncertainties and indecisiveness (have lived in limbo for so long) or just throw us all, especially ME, into a worse life. Financially speaking he still sends me money, he still pays for us all. He also keeps half his money for himself in his own bank account, which he never did before.

Divorce will bring worse living conditions for me and the kids, there's no way I could keep the house (they come home as often as they can).

 

Perhaps I need to be thrown into a state of desperateness in order to get off my ass and start working hard.

 

About school -- I like what I study. I just can't focus on my homework, my mind jumps all over the place, it takes me all my effort to stay off the internet, it takes ten times longer to read my work. I don't understand why I am making this harder for myself. My brain cannot focus.

 

Dump the husband. Keep away from the MM. File for divorce. Take half of the assets. Stay in school. Adjust to a new apartment if necessary.

[veryhappy]

Would it bother you if he had someone else?

 

Would you want to go on vacation with him?

 

When do you plan to finish your studies? I could see keeping this arrangement by then, but not if your mind can't focus.

[Leelou]

Would it bother you if he had someone else?

Yes. It always has. Eventually to cope, I got my own 'someone else' and this helped me not care what my H was up to. H says he isn't taking any other woman on vacation with him (I asked him), he may be lying of course but I still felt I had to ask. Sometimes he has come clean in the past.

 

Before I signed up for Grad school, I asked my H if I could go on vacation with him, he replied okay, but then went on to say it was a boys five day ride across the country motorcycle vacation, and he should just forget about it and not go. So, I immediately said I wouldn't dream of going with if it was a boys thing only and of course he SHOULD go! THEN I signed up for school, and once he knew this, he then came back and said one of the guys was now bringing his wife on the trip, so I should come too... but I already had school so I declined. I suspect he may only have offered because he knew I couldn't miss a week of school...

 

Would you want to go on vacation with him?

Yes. He is going to an exotic location for his other vacation for a week, for his best friend's wedding... I asked him if he was taking another woman and he said he is not, and neither is he meeting another woman there... I didn't ask to go with on this trip, because I have not met these people and I am a little against them because they knew H was having an affair a few years ago and they let him have his affair as if it were a normal thing, so as far as I am concerned, they are not on my side.

But yes, I do like to go on vacation with him, we both have a thing for exploring countries together and have done so many times over the years. I have not gone anywhere in the last two years though, which is unusual. He would travel home to see us all. Ordinarily we used to go abroad every year, sometimes more often. I miss our trips.

 

When do you plan to finish your studies? I could see keeping this arrangement by then, but not if your mind can't focus.

By the end of next year -- I'd graduate in December 2013 if I could just buckle down and focus.

I feel like I am sabotaging myself in some way so that I am still dependent on him...? I'm so messed up.

 

Why did you ask if I wanted to go on vacation with H and if it would bother me if he had anyone else?

I know it is LIKELY that he HAS someone else, since that is what he does, even when we had a good marriage that is what he chose to do... so why would he not do that when we have practically zero marriage? But yes, it would bother me to know he does.

[Furious]

Leelou

 

You are one of my favorite people here. I don't think you realize how very special you are.

 

I want you to start envisioning a new life, a new home..so what if it's smaller, but it will be beautiful, and filled with your family and friends. Seriously consider divorcing, speak with a lawyer, be informed of your legal rights, get your ducks in order. You are not a prisoner to your husband's dysfunction, and don't let fear of the unknown paralyze you into staying in a toxic marriage.

 

As for the difficulty you're experiencing with your studies, it's understandable that it's difficult for you to concentrate.

 

Perhaps getting settled into a new life and then returning to school might be a better fit for you.

 

((((hugs))))

Edited September 24, 2012 by Furious

[eleanorrigby]

Hi leelou, can I PM you?

[Leelou]

Leelou

 

You are one of my favorite people here. I don't think you realize how very special you are.

 

I want you to start envisioning a new life, a new home..so what if it's smaller, but it will be beautiful, and filled with your family and friends. Seriously consider divorcing, speak with a lawyer, be informed of your legal rights, get your ducks in order. You are not a prisoner to your husband's dysfunction, and don't let fear of the unknown paralyze you into staying in a toxic marriage.

 

As for the difficulty you're experiencing with your studies, it's understandable that it's difficult for you to concentrate.

 

Perhaps getting settled into a new life and then returning to school might be a better fit for you.

 

((((hugs))))

Thank you, you made me cry when you said I am one of your favorite people here and that I am special. Thanks.

 

I didn't think of that option, perhaps first settling my situation, and THEN returning to school!

[Leelou]

Hi leelou, can I PM you?

Yes, sure, go ahead.

[Leelou]

He was okay about it, he did say he misses me and everyday he thinks about me (I don't think about him everyday, lol) but then he also said he is selfish and doesn't really want to give up what he has, his independence and not to have to answer to anyone, to come and go as he pleases, and his motorcycle rides all day on Sundays, and going to the bars.

 

I told him I feel we've reached a crossroads and if we keep on going the way we're going, we WILL be divorced within two years.

I said we should think about this...

 

We spoke for 45 minutes. I suggested my quitting school and going to stay with him to work on the marriage. I told him not to give me an answer immediately but to think about it (that's when he said he was okay with it, BUT... blah blah blah see above reasons).

 

After I got off the phone I was wondering if I would have to issue an ultimatum and move on in either the direction of divorce, or reconciliation. I know it's also up to HIM.

[eleanorrigby]

If he is sounding wishy washy about you moving to be with him, I would back way off.

[Leelou]

If he is sounding wishy washy about you moving to be with him, I would back way off.

 

No he wasn't wishy-washy. I did say for him not to give an answer now, but to think about it. At first he was a little defensive about his going on two vacations alone, but I clarified that was not the issue, but that it was more indicative of where our marriage was headed.

[BetrayedH]

Didn't sound like he needed to think about it. He doesn't want to give up his independence (or bars or vacations "alone") or to answer to anyone.

 

You sound like a wonderful and intelligent woman, LeeLou. You're accepting scraps from this man when you deserve better.

 

I know this crap hurts immensely and it's easy to justify keeping at it because you're doing your best to salvage your marriage. But you are way past the line of what is healthy for you to accept and it has severely damaged your sense of self-worth. I guarantee you are worth more than this. It is clear as day what a good and kind soul you have and you didn't (and don't) deserve this. There is a better life for you out there but it's not going to happen until you start moving towards it.

 

File for divorce. Your attorney will fight for half of your marital assets and alimony considering your disparity in income. And if this man comes crawling back, willing to do anything to keep you, then consider it. Otherwise, get started on your second life. It's not that bad and you just might find yourself enjoying it.

 

My heart goes out to you and I wish you strength.

[96nole]

Wow, what a tough time you've had.

 

It appears to me that you want a marriage where your husband is always there with you. Your husband just wants to date his wife (and anyone else) at his convenience. On top of it you live apart and that loss of companionship then led you to an affair.

 

This marriage is not going to work out. You know it's not and that's why you're depressed. However......and I'm probably going to go against the norm on this..... I see how you can use your situation to your advantage.

 

See a lawyer and understand your rights and what you can expect. But don't file for divorce yet. You are currently not working. You couldn't keep the house if you did divorce. Your kids enjoy the house. But your husband is still paying for everything. Probably out of guilt.

 

Keep the situation as it is for now with the plan to:

-Focus on your school work

-Then get a job. You won't even have to rush so you can get what you really want

-get all of your ducks in a row

-then file for divorce. You'll be in a much better position to move on with your new life. Both financially and emotionally because you took control. You may even be able to afford the house on your own if you want to keep it.

 

I know you feel bad about how your marriage worked out. Let's face it, it's not going to change. Your husband wants to live the single life. Even though he claims to be thinking of you everyday, that doesn't appear to be enough for him to give up the bachelor life style.

[Leelou]

I did take time off from school -- I dropped out that semester, but re-enrolled in January, and now I am about to finish up this degree! Time flies by.

 

H has not allowed me to visit him abroad, instead he has come home 4 or 5 times in the last year for several days at a time. He has been unemployed for several months now, and was only home with us for 6 weeks. He went to 'wait' for a job in the country he was working in for the past several years (he stands to lose a major tax break if he stays here for any longer).... then again, he may have gone back to be on his own, with another woman, but his own bachelor type lifestyle that he clearly seeks.

 

Without him working since Christmas, it was difficult for me to keep focused on my degree what with worrying about finances, credit cards, the kid's needs, etc. My daughter and I both took out student loans to manage. I am not sure if he did this (stay unemployed) to derail me, but thankfully I am graduating with a 3.9 GPA so the stress I've been under has not wrecked my degree.

 

Strangely enough, H is now about to start working for the company that offered him a job several months ago, but which he turned down back then, due to not liking the lack of authority he would have had. It's a little confusing to me, but I am just glad he will start work in July finally!

 

I hope to be able to be financially independent by the end of this year, so I can move on to being independent of him. It's a lot to achieve.

 

I am again in a state of transition now.

Edited June 22, 2014 by Leelou

[lollipopspot]

I did take time off from school -- I dropped out that semester, but re-enrolled in January, and now I am about to finish up this degree! Time flies by.

 

H has not allowed me to visit him abroad, instead he has come home 4 or 5 times in the last year for several days at a time. He has been unemployed for several months now, and was only home with us for 6 weeks. He went to 'wait' for a job in the country he was working in for the past several years (he stands to lose a major tax break if he stays here for any longer).... then again, he may have gone back to be on his own, with another woman, but his own bachelor type lifestyle that he clearly seeks.

 

Without him working since Christmas, it was difficult for me to keep focused on my degree what with worrying about finances, credit cards, the kid's needs, etc. My daughter and I both took out student loans to manage. I am not sure if he did this (stay unemployed) to derail me, but thankfully I am graduating with a 3.9 GPA so the stress I've been under has not wrecked my degree.

 

Strangely enough, H is now about to start working for the company that offered him a job several months ago, but which he turned down back then, due to not liking the lack of authority he would have had. It's a little confusing to me, but I am just glad he will start work in July finally!

 

I hope to be able to be financially independent by the end of this year, so I can move on to being independent of him. It's a lot to achieve.

 

I am again in a state of transition now.

 

Good for you!

 

Curious - what is your field of study/work?

[Leelou]

Good for you!

 

Curious - what is your field of study/work?

 

I PM'd you with my answer