venusianx13 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 (edited) I am juggling something on my conscience recently... Is it necessary to come forward and tell your current partner that you had cheated in a past relationship, even if they don't ask? Long story short, I cheated in revenge at the end of a 5 year relationship which ended last year, after having been cheated on a few times. I was in a dark place, wanted out of the relationship, and even though I thought it was justified (initially), I ended up being consumed by guilt and self-hatred after it happened. My boyfriend is a wonderful, trusting and caring person. He disclosed to me that he has never cheated in any of his relationships before, and I wholeheartedly believe him... however, he never asked me of my history with cheating. Honestly, I think he assumes I never have, because of my strong moral compass, deep spirituality and compassion for others. This suddenly struck me the other day when he told me he wanted me to always be completely open with him, because he's my best friend and I should be able to tell him anything. Well, I hope this is true, because my conscience is beating me up now, and I feel that by not coming forward with this information, I am lying by omission, or perhaps misrepresenting myself? This was the one and only time in my life that I've cheated. Despite the circumstances surrounding it, I regret it. It did not enhance my happiness, did not liberate me... it made me feel worse than I already felt. The relationship with my bf/fiance was deteriorating rapidly, I had been cheated on by him multiple times, and he was lying to me on nearly a daily basis. Our relationship ended about a month after I cheated. (for various reasons, my infidelity being part of it). Any thoughts on this? Should I just leave well enough alone, since he truly never has asked? Or should I tell him? Edited September 24, 2012 by venusianx13
utterer of lies Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Any thoughts on this? Should I just leave well enough alone, since he truly never has asked? Or should I tell him? Don't. Most likely he'll become anxious, paranoid and will use this against you in fights. And even if not, why burden him. If you are disloyal to him, it's something different, but as long as you are not, don't burden him with this stuff. 1
BetrayedH Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Don't. Most likely he'll become anxious, paranoid and will use this against you in fights. And even if not, why burden him. If you are disloyal to him, it's something different, but as long as you are not, don't burden him with this stuff. I couldn't disagree more. Open yourself up to your BF. Show him your vulnerable side. You are going to get far more out of your honesty with this man than you will lose by disclosing this event. He's going to appreciate that you had the courage and character to confess. The fact is that you didn't cheat on him and you had some mitigating circumstances that you have processed. The fact that you are remorseful shows that you learned what you needed to learn from it. It's either that or keep this wall up between the two of you and keep feeling that twinge of guilt everytime he says something about your fidelity or how you two share everything with each other. Imagine that you stay together and get married. Will you really take this to the grave with you? Is it worth a lifetime of lying by omission? Honestly, just get it over with. Believe it or not, this is going to enhance your relationship. And you're not the kind of person that can keep this forever or you wouldn't be here asking the question. 2
twosadthings Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 You don't say how long you have been in your current relationship or what direction you think it will take. I do agree with BetrayedH that it is something you should be prepared to disclose certainly if it may surface by some other means. This way you can control the discussion. 1
ascendotum Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 (edited) For me if someone revenge cheats, then its justified (to a large extent). I feel it is not necessary to admit to this, but at the same time if it was totally fine in your mind, then you should be able to confess to it without shame. A number of times I have known people who have revenge cheated on their partner, but the evidence that they had was not conclusive. They went out and screwed someone else, only based on suspicion. That's not good enough justification. These situations are different, and if a gf confessed to me (and they have) that she has cheated on past partner/s because she 'thought' they were seeing others based on sketchy evidence, then this would be a red flag for me, that this could easily happen to me too. There is infidelity in a big % of relationships. the thing is though, most people are quick to admit how they have been cheated on in the past, but not how they are guilty of doing it. I know so many more people who admit having been cheated on that those who admit to doing it. In some of these 'cheating' posts a lot of people are quick to advice the poster to dump their partner on any confession of infidelity (even just sexting or pashing), and I am not saying that is bad advice, just that there are a lot of people who are in successful LTRs with past cheaters who are oblivious to their past shytty (maybe once off) behavior. People here will have different perspectives, but imo you should just let this past incident stay unmentioned unless he specifically asks you (given your description of it to us). Edited September 25, 2012 by ascendotum 1
sadguy82 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 If he don't ask, don't tell!! Keep it to yourself, It only hurt you and you learned something from it. Let go of the past, it's what made you stronger as a woman and no one needs to know that but you. Your sex life and past relationships are not for anyone else to know. Take what you have learned from them and vow not to make the same mistakes again. You sound like a good girl, go out there and show this guy you are. 1
Author venusianx13 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 Thanks for the feedback. No, in my mind, it was not okay. It made me feel like a dirty, disgusting human being. The relationship clearly should have ended prior to me cheating. However, in retrospect, I don't think it would have ended had I not cheated. In some way, while I regretted the act of sleeping with someone, I am grateful that it aided in finally ending the relationship I was in. I had concrete proof that my bf had cheated on me, three times, to be exact. And those were only the instances I had actual proof for; there were many other instances where I had suspicion based on his vapid stories and other circumstances that just seemed very off at the time. With my current bf, we have been together for 7 months and while it may seem like a short time to be looking at such things, we are clearly heading toward marriage. We want to have a family together. (We are both about 30 now.) Things are very serious, and having serious discussions about the future has prompted me to do some introspection, which is why this issue has arisen for me. I have a burning urge to open up to him about this. I'm not sure what to do yet. Perhaps I will keep it to myself unless he asks. In the meantime, as long as I'm not lying to him, I suppose my conscience will just have to be okay with that.
Sage45 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Sounds like a good plan to wait until it's brought up again. My concerns after learning something like this would be about whether my partner felt it was OK and/or learned anything from it. The most reassuring part of what you said was that the relationship should have ended sooner. I think most people have a problem with being lead on. If you're ready to pursue someone else, be honest so everyone is on the same page. The worst part of being cheated on, in my opinion, is having someone pretend everything is OK when it isn't. Having a partner tell me he's cheated in the past and then describe it as justified would not go over as well as having him describe it as a mistake and then tell me how he's capable of ending relationships instead of just sabotaging them now.
Woggle Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I have strong feelings against cheating and even I wouldn't hold something like that against you. It might not have been the best way to handle his cheating but he cheated first and you were hurting. It wasn't like you cheated on some great guy after you ran into some smooth talking player and then blame him for the whole thing. 1
B00ska Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 No. Do not speak on that. It will hurt you and hurt the other for no reason. Sometimes it is best to send it up instead of sending it out.
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