4 Years - What to make of things 80 days NC

[Sameold]

I know many of you have heard this before but I guess I just want to write this down as my head feel like dynamite...so if you're fed up of reading turn away

 

1) 4 years together, a good 4 years, both 25

2) We both get jobs on grad schemes, we move halfway between them with us both having a big commute

3) Things start getting harder as work increases but not being normal realms

4) After going on holiday with her mates (4 other girls all with bfs themselves) we see each other and have a laugh and joke and an ice cream

5) Next day back in flat after work and boom its over

6) I checked her facebook account and saw some messages that crossed the line with some guy at work also on the grad scheme. I would consider them as emotional cheating as they were just flirty and not nice to read. She was adamant she didnt cheat but said she understood they were wrong and she ****ed up.

7) She moves back home and then eventually in with a mate on the grad-scheme to the town where she works. It felt like she had to put her life there. She never had a big group of friends before all in one place or at least not since uni. This was a group ready made.

8) I tried to reconcile for 1 month but it got me no where. I then went complete NC aside from emailing about flat we had. I have deleted her off fb. She has changed her privacy setting on lots of my good friends that were connected to her on fb. I know she cried after the break-up and after our run ins after the BU there was a lot of crying and emotion with me in the room and when I left. Although the very last time she was cold, but apparently could not stop crying after.

9) I know for a fact through her older sister she never spoke to her family about all this and got mad whenever they brought it up.

10) Shes now with the guy I found messages from and he recently took her on a "suprise" holiday and she tagged them in to the airport (she never ever used to do corny things like that).

 

Right...so I don't want her back as she totally betrayed my trust and never even said we were struggling or communicated it in anyway.

I'm seeing someone else now but taking it verrrryyy slow.

 

Guess I just don't get this, it feels like gigs bigtime. I'm also struggling to accept that maybe she doesnt even think about me despite us in May 2012 having had 4 years together and looking at buying houses and all normal stuff. I guess I don't know how she can be as happy as it seems. If she is happy then howcome so fast? Where is the guilt? Does she ever feel it? I was great to her and we had an amazing 4 years......I ended it just texting her to say how disgusted I was with her cheating, pre meditating behaviour which I think was a rather well educated, factual way to leave it.

 

What do you guys think? Was I right to leave it like this? What do you do now to stop this crap running through your head? I guess despite me not wanting her back I one day want her to realise all she threw away for some simple convienience and flattery on a stupid superficial graduate scheme. How can she be living the perfect dream life? It doesnt seem right. This guy just seems like he was there at the right time, he isn't good looking and I can imagine just pounced from friendsville when things were slowly worsening with us.

 

I feel I lost her to a job/town.

Edited September 24, 2012 by Sameold

[Exit]

I hope when you mention "seeing someone" you mean that very lightly, as in casually dating and not even an exclusive couple yet. Why bother trying to find a connection with someone else when you are only 80 days out of a four year relationship and obviously nowhere near healed from what happened? Part of the reason relationships are so terrible these days is because so many people out on the dating seen are too fresh out of their last relationship and looking to compensate by hurrying up and moving on to the next one.

 

Screw gigs. I'm guessing you picked up that idea around these forums. It's stupid. A breakup is a breakup. There is no system for diagnosing that a certain breakup involves a girl who is going to run off and party for a few months or years before returning with her tail between her legs to admit she made a huge mistake. Every breakup in the history of the universe has been a case of the grass being greener, the dumper is choosing between choice A and choice B and they choose the one without you. That's it. Doesn't mean they are coming back.

 

You did the right thing by going NC, removing her from facebook, etc. Although you mention getting information through her sister. Stop talking to ex's family members as well, that doesn't help.

 

You caught her flirting with this guy online and now that's who she is in a relationship with. It means her heart was wandering when you first suspected it and now she is with that person. Keep up the NC and move on. And back to my initial point, don't hurt someone else in the process by moving so quickly to try dating again. You are still struggling with a lot of questions about is your ex happy and why doesn't she feel guilty that a lot of people experience during the very early stages of a breakup. You are not done grieving. If casually seeing someone means you have someone you meet for coffee once in a while that's great, but if you're at all trying to pull off a relationship with someone right now, stop.

[todreaminblue]

I think that it wasnt meant to be for you and your ex....i am sorry about this the only thing i can say is that even though you have thoughts running through your head.....and they are crappy it is better you have them now than later....the more time you think everything is fine the longer it takes you to get over it.......it is better to have the truth and move on.....you are not living a lie or an illusion....it is over....and you can have the chance at spe4nding more time with someone who tags you in airports too......if you are going to watse time which is precious waste it on someone who feels the same for you....dont waste it on pipe dreams.......when the pipe is absent without leave(awol pipe dream)....good luck ...chin up..theres a pipe you need to find...deb

[Sameold]

It wasn't exactly a pipe drean, we had four happy years together...also you will see I don't want her back so it is no pipe dream but just me struggling badly to accept how someone who loved me so much not so long ago can just destroy it all.

 

Anyway, I think ultimately I will never really understand how someone can change so much but I am glad I found the truth and made sure I did/said what I needed to. I guess in life no matter what happened before when someone behaves so badly then you have to cut them out completely.

 

I am taking it slow with the new girl, we are just dating and seeing each other once a week or so. I like her but I am aware I need more time to lose my feelings of hurt, anger and disgust and also put those feelings of love firmly in the cupboard as they existsed with a girl that doesn't exist in that way anymore.

[Tree_Salmon]

I know many of you have heard this before but I guess I just want to write this down as my head feel like dynamite...so if you're fed up of reading turn away

 

1) 4 years together, a good 4 years, both 25

2) We both get jobs on grad schemes, we move halfway between them with us both having a big commute

3) Things start getting harder as work increases but not being normal realms

4) After going on holiday with her mates (4 other girls all with bfs themselves) we see each other and have a laugh and joke and an ice cream

5) Next day back in flat after work and boom its over

6) I checked her facebook account and saw some messages that crossed the line with some guy at work also on the grad scheme. I would consider them as emotional cheating as they were just flirty and not nice to read. She was adamant she didnt cheat but said she understood they were wrong and she ****ed up.

7) She moves back home and then eventually in with a mate on the grad-scheme to the town where she works. It felt like she had to put her life there. She never had a big group of friends before all in one place or at least not since uni. This was a group ready made.

8) I tried to reconcile for 1 month but it got me no where. I then went complete NC aside from emailing about flat we had. I have deleted her off fb. She has changed her privacy setting on lots of my good friends that were connected to her on fb. I know she cried after the break-up and after our run ins after the BU there was a lot of crying and emotion with me in the room and when I left. Although the very last time she was cold, but apparently could not stop crying after.

9) I know for a fact through her older sister she never spoke to her family about all this and got mad whenever they brought it up.

10) Shes now with the guy I found messages from and he recently took her on a "suprise" holiday and she tagged them in to the airport (she never ever used to do corny things like that).

 

Right...so I don't want her back as she totally betrayed my trust and never even said we were struggling or communicated it in anyway.

I'm seeing someone else now but taking it verrrryyy slow.

 

Guess I just don't get this, it feels like gigs bigtime. I'm also struggling to accept that maybe she doesnt even think about me despite us in May 2012 having had 4 years together and looking at buying houses and all normal stuff. I guess I don't know how she can be as happy as it seems. If she is happy then howcome so fast? Where is the guilt? Does she ever feel it? I was great to her and we had an amazing 4 years......I ended it just texting her to say how disgusted I was with her cheating, pre meditating behaviour which I think was a rather well educated, factual way to leave it.

 

What do you guys think? Was I right to leave it like this? What do you do now to stop this crap running through your head? I guess despite me not wanting her back I one day want her to realise all she threw away for some simple convienience and flattery on a stupid superficial graduate scheme. How can she be living the perfect dream life? It doesnt seem right. This guy just seems like he was there at the right time, he isn't good looking and I can imagine just pounced from friendsville when things were slowly worsening with us.

 

I feel I lost her to a job/town.

 

I feel you man. I have a very similar story except we were almost 6 years.

 

She's probably not living the dream life, it may just look that way to you because its hard for us to accept that they could move on so easily.

 

Best thing you can do is enjoy your life and keep moving forward. Take all relationships slow and I honestly think you shouldn't date for a while since this still bothers you.

 

I'm only around 55 days NC

Edited September 25, 2012 by Tree_Salmon

[CopingGal]

Part of the reason relationships are so terrible these days is because so many people out on the dating seen are too fresh out of their last relationship

 

Yes, YEs, YES!! I agree, it's so true. I was nothing but a rebound for my ex and didn't even realize it until after I left him and processed the relationship. I was simply nothing more but a rebound. He hops from woman to woman to woman.

 

Next time I want a man who takes time to heal. I'm not going to be anyone's rebound person anymore.

[CopingGal]

 

I am taking it slow with the new girl, we are just dating and seeing each other once a week or so. I like her but I am aware I need more time to lose my feelings of hurt, anger and disgust and also put those feelings of love firmly in the cupboard as they existsed with a girl that doesn't exist in that way anymore.

 

Sorry, but seeing the same person once a week is not taking it slow. That's darn fast esp. for someone who just got out of a relationship. You are not going to put feelings in the cupboard by dating someone else once a week so soon after this break up. You need to be alone and process this relationship. You need to go through the pain and suffering instead of avoiding it by being with this person. You need to suffer, suffer through it. It sounds sadistic, but it's actually true. Don't be afraid to feel the pain. Welcome it. It will lead you to healing.

[Sameold]

Perhaps you are right.

 

I have never been here before though. I will always feel something...I can't articulate how much I loved this girl and how good we were together until one day it all just seemed to vanish and I saw this side to her that is unforgivable...But that is just it, I will never just not care and I can never forgive her so I can't just wait to feel indifferent or I will be here forever..

 

She was the most important thing in my life. I know I need to be careful with the new girl and we are being but I actually feel like developing genuine feelings for someone else may help to put the hurt of the break-up and the way I was treated behind me.

[Sameold]

Saw the new girl yesterday, things are getting much more comfortable now. Silences are comfy and not awkward. We are making each other laugh and we both seem to be enjoying the physical intamacy although have come nowhere close to sleeping together.

 

I'm 4 months post BU and yeh maybe my head is a bit messed up at how someone you loved could burn you so bad and out they blue but honestly seeing this girl is certainly helping me see that ultimately I will be genuinely happy again with another girl.

 

My advice is take dating which a cautious approach but don't just assume that it is too soon. Get out there and talk to people, it is a lot healthier than wallowing and who knows what might happen if you are true to yourself and the other person in knowing how fast you should move.