Caught snooping---please help me --- I dont want to lose him!

[StartingAgain]

Honey, IT WAS THAT BAD. Period. Snooping through someone's phone log, diary, underwear drawer, medicine cabinet, whatever, without their knowledge and then using what you find to spy on them is flat out wrong. Because you cannot understand this basic ethical principle, you also don't understand that when your privacy is so fundamentally violated, you have ever right to ask someone to leave your home. I'd be willing to bet if this happened to you, you'd be singing a completely different tune.

 

I don't understand how so many people anymore don't seem to undrstand that you do not own your BF or GF. People are trying to equate the dating relationhsip to a marriage, where the couple have the same rights, responsibilities and commitments to one another. It just isn't so. It's just dating, even if it's dating exclusively.

 

I was married to a woman for seven years. In all that time she never once picked up my cell phone and rummaged through my calls. She didn't care, nor should she have. If she suspected that I was up to no good, she would have confronted me outright.

 

Ladies, if you think for a minute that rummaging throug a cheaters call logs and other things wis going to stop him from cheating, you couldn't be more wrong. It will just drive him farther underground. It's a waste of time.

[LikkleMissConfused]

Starting Again

 

You had direct and irrefutable evidence that you man was cheating. Samantha doesn't; she has ONLY a suspicion with no evidence whatsoever.

 

No I didn't have direct proof, only two years we broke up the truth has come out. I snopped and looked around I felt sick by this and thought I was goign mad and his lies didn't help, but I HAD NO PROOF, and actually ye sI found my current BF looking through my phone about 9 months ago because he thought i was up to no good. This was two months after we met. No I didn't kick him out of the house, yes i got angry but then i also relaised that i have snopped before, so i asked him what made him do that, he told me, we discussed I told him I was not up to anything he was feeling insecure i tried to make him feel secure as i do have a lot of males friends from infant school and he has met 50% of them the rest i don't see much but they text me.

 

The thing is I didn't lie to him ontop. So I think he knew the truth. And so does a women or man who has suspiciions. I had all these thoughts and he was doing stuff right under my nose but i never got any proof, and after leaving him he stalked and harrassed me for two years and only after he smashed all my windows at home because I don't respond to him and he joined my gym and grabbed me by my throat and threatened me, the gym manager kicked him out, only when it got that serious all neighbours and people that I kind of knew started to tell me stuff that he did even his sisters.

 

So go with your gut GIRL. The worst thing about it StartingAgain was that he made me think I was mad and physco and insulted me all the time, he used to say "Your a bitch a slapper dog, no one will want you etc etc" But then he would call me in the middle of the night and say "Your such a beautiful person you deserve better than me"

 

I have learnt the hard way, in the future if I have any suspicion yes I do talk to the person and did try and talk to my ex but he wasn't having it. Depending on there reaction and my gut feeling I take it from there. From Samatha's post she sounds as deperate as I was and and best for her to cut away from the situation get control and see things clearly.

 

StartingAgain I love readind your posts, and i'm sorry for what has happened to you especially as you were married, but atleast you got a admission to the affair. My ex had a another partner/s all the way through and still he continued to persue me. I had no closure no evidence nothing. I have had to go on my gut and I think eventually Samantha will have to as well.

 

Remember something if my ex's or S BF wasn't acting strange we would not have to snoop, and when you try and discuss something but you know your not getting the truth, that is the only way to find out the truth. You can't continue without knowing. Yes I only recently found out about my ex's truth and I feel free now. I know I made the right decision, I shouldn't have looked for evidence I should have left when I tried to talk to him but he just hit me.

 

I hope you understand my point SA?

[SamanthaX]

I am just so confused. He He keep wavering between loving me completley and just being outright cruel. He asked what I would do if he slept with someone else. I don't know why he is doing that. I asked him to work with me on keeping the lines of communication open. In other words, not joking around and saying he was making love to another woman when I ask him what he did because he thinks I am beong nosy. He has been doing things like this for a a long time--he gets mad when I ask him who he is out with and what he doing. He says I dont know them so what does it matter? He is just driving me to distraction. I can't sleep or eat. I just want to be with him and he keeps pulling away and away. I know I acted poorly but he is constantly taking me on an emotional roller coaster. I mean guys.....How do yo ugo from being at home most of the time (always on weekends) to all of sudden going out pretty much every night? I don't know what I am supposed to think....how many baseball games and poker games can one really attend? I just started getting more nervous when he started going out all the time and then he stopped calling me when he got home. We used to talk for hours every night and frewuently throughout the day--he always calls me like 6 times when he gets home from work/ Now, he doesn't want to talk and I am the bad guy for wondering where our "routine" went. I have offered to move there so many times but he just keeps saying he might move here. Weve been doing this since 7 months in. I just want to be with him. Why is he doing this to me He is making me into this whiny, needy, and paranoid nag when all I want is to be his partner. I know I should walk away but I just can't. I just woke up with a panic attack because he was in my dreams---when I am with him I sleep so soundly. He was out until 1230 last night and I just cant handle it. Why would he be so motivated to change his behavior? What us going on? I want to trust him and stop being jealous--I told him I was willing to go to counseling. I can't sleep.

[LikkleMissConfused]

FIRST OF ALL IT ISN'T YOU

 

I have been through all this before don't do it to yourself. A man is simply not worth it. I has asthma attacks whilst he was in bed with another woman, my ex the one who cheated and I never had any concrete proof until two years after i left him, he used to say he had another girl sucking his c*ck, then he would say i slept with soemone else, he is doing it because he is trying to tell you something. Do you really want to be with him eventually you won't I can guarentee that. Just book yourself a holiday go to your parents and tell them whats happening they will give you support to do the right thing. You do not deserve to be treated this way. He is out doing what do you think?

 

For gods sake girl wake up! You really love this guy in a few years you won't you will relaise.

[beautiful]

SamanthaX..........this has zero to do with your bf! Period end of ?!

This is all about YOU! and your own in-securities. What kind of a relationship will you have with him or anyone else for this matter if you feel that you need to "snoop"?

 

Not a very healthy one I assure you.

 

You need a game plan, meaning; Find out why you are so insecure. Get some help with that before you are entering a healthy relationship with someone.

 

I think there is nothing more degrading to a person than "snooping" into someone else's business out of jealousy. What is the point? You will find what you are looking for and than what? What is the point to be with this guy and in the back of your mind you have zero trust?

 

Yes I think what you did was wrong however it is not the end of the world and certainly NO REASON to kick you out of his house or to lie to you about it. That to me is seriously fishy!

 

No man, No woman is worth loosing your dignity over!

 

Have some self respect and most of all self love and know better. I understand why you did what you did. Do not be so hard on yourself OK! However do get some help.

 

If you don't you will destroy every potential healthy relationship along the road. Being with a man does not define your life. YOU define your life. How you feel about you , defines your life and most of all your HP does.

 

I don't care what anyone one this boards says, everyone has "snooped" at least once in their lives with a partner. No matter in what shape or form. I feel if you suspect your partner to be unfaithful, confront it right of! Follow your gut feelings on this always, it tells us what is what.

 

Forget about the "snooping" and start living your life for YOU! If this bf loves you and cares for you (I can't see this by throwing you out and telling you a lie) he will get over it and behave in a way that is loving and respectful to you. If not, no loss! You move on and take care of yourself!

 

You way to involved and allowing this guy to have "power over". Take charge of your life and live it for you!

[LikkleMissConfused]

I agree with you beautiful your post is exactly what I am trying to say.

 

 

 

No man, No woman is worth loosing your dignity over!

 

Have some self respect and most of all self love and know better. I understand why you did what you did. Do not be so hard on yourself OK! However do get some help.

 

But one thing is he is playing her heart strings, Beautiful I am strong and have dignity sometimes when your in love and young you lose sight of the important things. Its not her insercurities its the fact that she knows the truth but won't admit it to herself and realise that she will be ok without him and probably be much happier without all this emotional crap.

 

Right now she needs to think about herself not him or the relationship.

[sally1530]

I snooped once... thats it.. found he had profile and picture (with shirt off) on lavalife.com in intimate encounters stating he was single , looking for sex. He was doing this our entire 14 month relationship...even 28 days before our so called wedding that now never happened. I forgave him the next day, and three days later he cancelled the wedding , kicked me out the next day. I gave him back the ring... and he never wanted to talk to me again... hmmm pretty harsh dont you think?

[LikkleMissConfused]

Sally you had a lucky escape. He couldn't handle your forgiveness because he probably knew what he was like. To do that 14 months of your relationship that is shyt.

 

I've read your previous mails and you snooped just like i did and I'm not insecure just wanted to know the truth from his both but i never got that so I made my own decisions and if he wanted to prove me wrong he could have but he couldn't he just got nastier and nastier.

[sally1530]

I could that he would be mad that I invaded his privacy... but I shouldnt have found anything... if I didnt find anything , he would have never known I snooped. That would have been the end of that....but I found something, and had to confront him. He lied and lied...and well I did forgive him after totally going off on him... I was just so mad... I blew my top... I could have handled myself better, but each time he lied, the more mad I got.. I did forgive him and well he thought he damaged me beyond repair... well he damaged me...but not beyond repair... he thought he knew me so well...but he didnt...and so he cancelled the wedding thinking I couldnt trust him and he couldnt trust me.. I do feel strongly it could have been work out if he was willing to admit his wrong and confess the full truth...and would have stayed off that site and been more open with me. He felt ashamed , embarrassed and didnt think I accepted him for who he was... I did accept him, but didnt like the lies and secrets...

 

I feel bad that he hates me so... but maybe that is what he has to do in order to not take the blame for his actions... and not to feel bad about himself and his actions...

 

If I was the one for him , he would have never cancelled the wedding and would have done anything to work on our trust issues... like I was willing...

 

So its a sad story.... but hopefully someday I will have a happy ending to this by finding the man who is my equal.

[YellowLioness]

Hon.. I know you're getting alot of advice.

 

Love is not cruel, Sam. If he loved you, he would not play games with you, and hurt you.

 

He is acting like you cheated on him.

 

Perhaps he is the one who cheated, and is sort of reversing the roles because he feels so guilty about it.

 

What he feels for you isn't love. You are going to get f*cked over if you continue in this relationship.

 

Even if he does take you back, I guarentee that he will dump you again out of spite.

 

I am not going to make any judgment calls on what happened to get you into this situation. I"m just telling you what's going on now. You had better get out while you still have some of your pride and self respect in tact.

[sally1530]

he dumped me 3 months ago... we sent a few nasty grams to each other but the last one was a month ago. I have no intentions of talking with him again.

 

He has not told any of his friends what happened yet... so he is at fault.... because he has no real good story to tell them why he kicked me out of his life.

 

I am disappointed that he put me through all this considering he knew I lost my mother within that same year....

 

Anyway, I have a date tonight and going to try and enjoy being in someone else's company.

 

Thanks for your advice! :-)

[Rae-gun]

Ok, here's an easy way to solve this:

 

Ignore him. Find your own interests. Don't call him, don't respond if he's verbally abusing you, and take back your life. This will have three benefits:

 

1. You won't be so dependent on him or his approval, and won't feel so lost if it does end for good.

2. He'll start to contact you. I guarantee this.

3. You'll have more self-esteem and won't feel the need the snoop.

 

If you let him treat you like crap, regardless of what you did, you're setting up a dangerous precedent of him thinking that it's ok to treat you like a whiny, needy, clingy little b*tch. Do you really want that?

 

Regarding StartingAgain, who think it's so easy to confront someone, let me just say that it doesn't always work that way. I had an ex who was a GREAT liar. However, even when I WOULD catch him, he would STILL continue to lie and lie and lie, even if I shoved concrete proof in his face. In her case, she's not positive what's going on, although it sounds like he's cheating on her. Either way, she did wrong, but he vastly overreacted, and is now acting like a dick.

[honey2005]

People are trying to equate the dating relationhsip to a marriage, where the couple have the same rights, responsibilities and commitments to one another.

 

When I date someone it's with the intent of marriage.

 

Because you cannot understand this basic ethical principle, you also don't understand that when your privacy is so fundamentally violated, you have ever right to ask someone to leave your home

 

I understand snooping in something very personal like a diary, but in a cell phone? There shouldn't have been anything bad in there for her to find anyway. If he didn't have something to hide he wouldn't have gotten so upset. Period.

 

I'd be willing to bet if this happened to you, you'd be singing a completely different tune.

 

And I'd be willing to bet I wouldn't have my ex's phone number in my cell phone, and anytime my boyfriend wants to look in my cell phone, he's free to. He won't find numbers in there that shouldn't be in there.

 

I'm not saying she was right to look in his cell phone, but I'm not saying she was completely evil and should have been thrown out of his house either. He was showing lots of signs that he was cheating, so what did he expect her to do? Sit around while he did it and told her lies? Because he DID tell her lies.

 

Beautiful, I think you said that very well, and that's some great advice.

 

My advice, Samantha, is not to sit around and let him have total control. He shouldn't be as angry at you as he is and he's just using it to get at you. It is your business where he is and what he's doing. You're not being nosy for asking. You're giving him yourself totally, and he's treating you like major crap. Telling you he's sleeping with someone else just because you ask where he is? That's low. You deserve better.

[YellowLioness]

She's right, Samantha.

[SamanthaX]

I just don't get it. He has changed so much in the past month. Always out--never wanting to talk. GUys: what does this mean? have I just annoyed him too much? How could his social life change so quickly? I know we are on opposite sides of the country...I just want the man I love back. He told me he forgives me for what I did. We were talking yesterday and he is just so uninterested in what I have to say. He is sick of talking about the relationship and says I bore him b/c I just want to talk about us and nothing else. I tried to talk to him about other things but he just doesn't seem interested. He said our problems aren't about the violation of trust. He is just negotiating whether or not he can live with my flaws. And, he hasn't decided. But, now he is really really messing with my head. He told me he loved me yesterday and then 5 min later--he didnt know. He asked me what i would do if he cheated on me. I asked him why and he said he ws just curious. What kind of person does that to someone they are supposed to love?He told me he was going to have a visitor this weekend. I asked who and he said "a friend." Wont tell me who or from where. He says it is none of my business. I Imed him today just to say hi. When he finally got to me he said he was leaving to meet his friend. He said they wanted to have sex before they went to the ballgame. Ignored his comment. I asked if he would come see me next weekend and he told me maybe. This is just so messed up. I know he is probably sick of me always crying and acting jealous...wanting to talk about us. Men don't like that. But, I just want us to maintain a good friendship when we are not together. When we are, its great--like last week. But, I just dont know what to do. I can't leave him. I love him too much.

[Pained]

This guy is a loose cannon, and you're obsessing over him. As hard as it is, try to ignore him for a solid week. Don't take his calls, don't respond to his IM's, just let him have his space. Don't take the bait. This is getting ridiculous. You're clinging and he's being an ass. Practice NC to stop both of these things.

[honey2005]

You shouldn't be letting him treat you like this. He doesn't know if he can live with your flaws? Excuse me, that's not the way you treat someone you love. I think he just likes being in control and knowing that he's hurting you and calling all the shots. Don't play his stupid games. You deserve so much better. He told you he wanted to go have sex before the game?? Maybe he is trying to be mean to you so you will end the relationship and he won't have to. I've had that done to be before. Just don't talk to him for awhile. Like Pained said, try no contact for a week or so, and see if he comes around. If he keeps acting like a jerk, let it go. There are PLENTY of other guys who would love to have someone like you. You say you need to stop acting jealous and crying because guys don't like that. Well if he really loved you, whether you were jealous or not, he would talk to you about what's going on and try to work things out with you, not treat you like this. I know it's hard for you to see, but he is treating you sooo badly. Try not talking to him for awhile, and if that doesn't work, I suggest you leave. You KNOW you deserve better.

[SamanthaX]

Thank you guys for being there for me this past week--It has been so hard and I dont have anyone else to talk to....

 

He is being horrible to me and I just can't believe someone could be so mean--this was happening before the incident as well. I just thought our vacation was turning point....I guess it was a vacation mirage. I don't know what is happening. I have done everything to keep this guy. I am totally open and honest--no secrets. Nothing but love and respect. He doesnt give me any of the things a boyfriend should. Yet, I stay...

 

I want things to turn around but I just dont think they will. Why is he such a coward? Is he cheating? I just want to know the truth. He scolded me saying he had to deal with the incident in front of his family and he was embarrassed. I felt horrible. He told me later that was a lie. I just can't keep them straight. I mean he was recruited by the FBI....He knows how to be strategic and covert.

 

I will never know the truth. I just want to wake up on morning and feel normal again. I can't sleep...I dream of him all the time.

 

How did this happen to me? I just wanted a normal, loving relationship. Why and how is he so mean to me? How can someone be so horrible to someone so close to them?I just dont get why he would do this long-distance. If it is not good for him, why does he continue to travel to me and spend money on me? Why not find someone to use locally? My parents have always thought he was unstable--my mother calls him the devil. Yet, I go back again and again. I instituted a NC period before. It didnt do anything--he said he hadn't noticed but he called me 5 times a day. Doing it now, well, I just don't think it is mature.

 

I told him as I always do--If you want us over---just tell me. He is still undecided. I just dont understand. Is he cheating? I am so heartbroken.

[honey2005]

Maybe he just likes controlling you, and the fact that you're so far away means he can get by with alot more.

How can someone be so horrible to someone so close to them?

 

I asked myself that over and over when my ex dumped me for no reason. I would cry myself to sleep at night because he had been so horrible to me, but I would keep praying that he's call me the next day and we could work out what happened. But he never did, and eventually I got over it. It still hurts to think about him and the way he used to be, because I really thought he was the nicest guy in the world, I'd never met someone so sweet and kind. Well I was completely wrong. He was only nice when he was talking to me, and then after he met someone else, BAM he was a complete jerk. My point is, I know you're hurting right now, and the longer you continue to talk to him and hope he decides it's not over, the longer you're going to be hurting. Why are you letting him decide when it's over? You're the one who is getting used and treated like dirt here, not him. You're giving him all you can, honesty, love, respect, and all you're getting in return is comments like "I'm going to have sex with this girl" and "you're psycho". You don't do that to people you love!

 

If you keep in contact with him, and he keeps treating you like this, you're not going to feel any better. I really doubt he will break up with you any time soon, you're a big ego booster for this guy. The fact that there's a girl across the country who would do anything for him, take all kinds of insults, and still want to be with him is something he can really brag about to his friends. My advice is to tell him that either he changes his attitude and learns to treat you better FAST, or you're done. Don't let him have all the control. If that doesn't snap him back into reality and make him realize that if he doesn't shape up, he's going to lose a great girl, then he totally DOES NOT deserve you. And if he doesn't realize it, then it's HIS LOSS, not your's. You can move on and find a great guy who does love and respect you, instead of some controlling jerk. You need someone who will give you back what you put into the relationship, not someone who will take and take until you have nothing left to give. Good luck:(

[SamanthaX]

He hasn't called me at all. How do you all of sudden stop calling someone you are in a relationship with? I am so pissed. What should I do? Just not call him anymore? Woud that be immature? He has a friend in town this weekend and is busy. I called him late last night. He said he would call me later. No calls. He is ruining my vacation and my life. What is the consensus out there about changing phone numbers to end contact and save myself? I cant let him play with me anymore.

[honey2005]

It wouldn't be immature not to call him. Just go and enjoy your vacation, if he wants to talk to you he will call. I think when he does you should tell him to stop contacting you until he can grow up. Don't let him treat you like you're not important anymore. You deserve a guy who respects you, not treats you badly and plays these mind games with you. If he stops calling you, don't worry about it, you can move on and find someone better. Much better.

[SamanthaX]

I will go enjoy my vacation. I mean--he is bothering me from 5000 miles away. So sad. When he does call, what should I say? I know you said to grow up but I would like to say something with a bit more oomph. I know he is going to say he has just been busy or he needed to think. But, come on, a five minute call isnt hard--esp. if it is someone you care about. I can't believe I am in this situation.

[honey2005]

You need to make sure he knows you're not going to be waiting around for him to decide if he wants to be with you or not. Just go out, have fun, and if you miss his call don't worry. Even if his friend is there it wouldn't hurt him to call and check up on you. He really seems to like to be in control, so don't let him have that. When he does call, tell him he has to decide if he wants you or not because you are tired of waiting around, and if he makes you wait much longer you're going to decide for him. If he really loved you it wouldn't be that hard of a choice to make. He doesn't know how lucky he is, and if he doesn't get his act together he is going to lose something really special. You've waited around for along time, and took a lot of crap off him. Not to mention you're five thousand miles away, on vacation, and instead of having a good time you're worried about him. I don't think girlfriends get much better than that.

[Aire]

Oh my god! Just reading this post gets under my skin.

 

Sam, this guy is playing you. You need to walk away from this relationship. When he calls just tell him you are busy, in the middle of something and that you will call him back shortly and then just never call him back.

 

You need to move on with your life and let this a$$ go. I had to laugh when you said he was recruited by the F.B.I. I would bet a whole lot of money that that is one of many of his lies.

 

It's time to think about yourself. No contact with this guy. Start doing stuff for your self because you are number one. Work out to make yourself feel better. Go shopping for some new things. Get busy with some friends. Find things to do that will keep you busy. It's all about you right now. You have to get your mind off this guy. Remember he is not the guy you think he is. The guy you think you know does not exist.

 

Good luck Sam, I wish you all the strength you need to get through this. I will pray for you.

 

Aire

[SamanthaX]

Why do you say he doesn't exist?

 

I just don't understand it and don't feel like I will ever know the truth.

 

I am an educated woman and I feel like I am being played.

 

He is so frustrated with me. I broke things off and he said thank you for being so mature. Then said that he had to go. I got mad at him and told him that he was losing a good thing. How could he just throw someone like me away? I have been faithful, loyal, and loving. I may get sacred of losing him but I am a pretty good girlfriend aside from my paranoia. He said he didn't need someone in his life. He had had that before with his previous girlfriend and he had ended it. I couldn't believe his words. I started harping on him. Asking how someone could be so damn cruel and insensitive. Saying I am the only girl for him one week and then he wants to break up with me the next. Such highs and lows! How could he expect me to act calm and together when I was being taken on a rollercoaster. We talked some more and he said that he was just messing with me and things weren't over. That he was still mad at me and I had to deal with it until he got over what I did.

 

He said he'd call me later...he didnt. Being the idiot that I am, I called him. He was an ass and said I was being paranoid and he didn't want to deal with it because it was boring. I keep telling him to work with me and help me not be so paranoid by involving me more. He said I just have to trust him and just because he doesnt want to recap his day---well, it doesn't mean anything is going on because he has been faithful. He wants us to talk about anything but where we are going. We were on the phone for while and then bam, he loves me and I am so pretty. I can't extract myself. I went for a surf lesson, took a 3 hour walk, went shopping...but, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I don't know how to stop this. I need help and I can't get it. My parents are sick of me talking about it and they just want him out of my life--they dont like him because of the way he has treated me over the past 2 years.

 

 

I know I am defending him, but what if he is telling the truth? Is anything real? I just dont know anymore. Does he love me?

P.S. He was recruited....I saw the paperwork, etc. and his father and I discussed it.

 

 

I know I may be overstaying my welcome on this thread but I just feel so helpless. I am getting all this advice from all of you...and I appreciate it. I know I need to decide for myself but I just can't make sense of it. I just don't want to mess something potentially good up. PLease help. I just want to stop hurting.