Healing after affair with husband's best friend

[heart-aching]

I have a long story, but I'll try to keep it short and stick to the facts. Would appreciate any advice.

 

I have been married almost 8 years to a pretty decent man. He has his faults but don't we all. 3 years into our marriage I had a unplanned pregnancy. I was scared and didn't think we were ready to have a baby, but thought we could do it. My husband was even more scared, and strongly encouraged me to have an abortion. Because I loved him, I went through with the abortion. Hardest thing I have done in my entire life. 3 months later, I got pregnant again, and got another abortion. It hurts me tremendously to even write this. I have gone through so much pain and guilt over this. I know it doesn't help to punish myself over this, so I try to focus on forgiving myself as hard as it is. However, I don't know if I've ever forgiven my husband. I've told him how I feel, and he has apologized, but I don't think he realizes just how much this hurt me. I am still working on moving past it 5 years later. To make things worse, a year after the abortions, my mother was diagnosed with cancer, and had to go through some pretty major surgeries and a lot of pain (she passed away this year).

 

So this leads up to my state of mind before my affair. There were obviously some cracks in my marriage, and I was feeling pretty low. I didn't feel much emotional support from my husband and we were barely communicating or sleeping together. I was lacking attention or love, and I was losing any attraction to him. I was starting to focus on everything about him that annoyed me, and he was making me tense and agitated. I felt like I didn't really have a partner in life.

 

2 years ago - Enter his best friend of 15 or more years. I had know him for around 10 years at this point and knew him pretty well. He was married also (now divorced), and we would all get together occasionally to hang out, usually involving drinking. He would always flirt with me shamelessly. I witnessed him time and time again flirting with just about every girl he saw, and figured it was just part of his personality. I did like the attention, but I didn’t take it personally and never put too much stock in it. I always had an attraction to him, and our personalities meshed pretty well, but I never thought about acting upon those feelings.

 

He lives a distance away from us, but works nearby, so he started spending the night over here during the week. The three of us would usually go out for drinks and dinner and then come back to our place. One night we went to a concert and after a few drinks, he started rubbing my leg, while my husband was sitting right across from us. I was a little shocked, but I liked it and I didn’t stop him. I finally said something like ‘Stop torturing me. You know I’m attracted to you. I’m married and I’m loyal.’ That didn’t stop him. After we got home, my husband took the dog out for a walk and we were alone. He grabbed me and kissed me. I kissed him back and it was really nice. He told me he had wanted to do that for the longest time. I told him he flirts with everyone and how am I anything special? He said with me it is intimate and that we have good chemistry. Later after my H came back, we were all sitting together in the living room like nothing had just happened. I sat awake all night long.

 

It wasn’t long after this, we started our affair. On days I worked at home, he would come over during his lunch break. He would continue to come over and hang out with us and spend the night. In the morning, he would come to my bed after my husband left for work. Just writing this sounds so wrong. I had rationalized it in my head to somehow make it right. It didn’t happen very often, but right from the start of the affair, I felt in turmoil. I thought we would get it out of our systems and forget about it. But I ended up falling in love with him. He said he loved me too. It has lasted over 2 years now, but has slowed down dramatically. We have tried breaking it off multiple times, and we always end back up together for another time. He knows that I am constantly torn between making my marriage work or leaving. I have thought about leaving, but it always made more sense to me to stay. After I told him I wanted to focus on my marriage, he still would come on to me. It makes me feel so cheap and used, and I can’t believe I got myself into this. I feel his morals are all messed up and he doesn't respect relationships. I just don’t trust much of anything he says anymore. I know he has cheated on previous relationships so this is a pattern for him. I hate this feeling and I have promised myself I will not let him touch me again. He just recently met another girl who he is now seeing. We have agreed that we are finished, and I told him I want him to be happy in a fulfilling relationship, which ours will never be. He said he wants us all to go on double dates together! He is delusional! I feel sorry for this new girl. I just want to move on, and repair my relationship with my husband. He doesn’t know and I hope he never finds out. It would kill him. My punishment is having to live with this.

 

The issue gets complicated because of our friendship. I promised to stay friends with him, but I believe its damaged at this point and we need some time before that is possible. I am not without guilt, but I think he holds more responsibility. I know he’ll want to come over and hang out again with us, so I will have to allow that so my husband doesn’t get suspicious. It will take a lot of inner strength, but I know I am capable of moving past this.

Edited September 24, 2012 by heart-aching

[LoveTKO]

This is pretty easy and straightforward because it's a textbook example of what will motivate some women to have an affair. You perceive your husband to be a selfish person who doesn't take your feelings into account but lives his life according to what works best for him. He doesn't appreciate you or respect how you really feel about things that matter most to you (abortion, your mom, etc). You get the sense that it's all about him, and what compounded everything is the lack of intimacy and communication.........so, you got it from some other guy who showed interest and gave you attention.

 

I just don't get this part about your husband walking the dog and leaving you to alone knowing that there is some chemistry between the two of you. He can't be blind to all the flirting that went on between the two of you. Why would he allow this friend to stay with you all given the dynamics of this broken relationship? The bottom line is that you are ultimately responsible because you had/have then option to refrain from given into your needs.

 

Just tell this guys that he needs to respect your decision for not wanting to continue the affair because you want to work on your marriage. He needs to respect your husband too. Ask him how he would feel if your husband was sleeping with HIS girlfriend behind his back.

[BetrayedH]

Nonsense.

 

You cannot be friends with this man.

 

You cannot restore your marriage with this huge wall between you.

 

The fact is that in order to fix this mess you have created, you need to have no contact with this other man for life, you need to come clean with your husband, and you need to face the consequences of your actions. Anything short of this is a bunch of hooey. Taking your affair to the grave is no punishment for you; it is categorically designed to protect you. Quit fooling yourself. Haven't you done enough of that already?

 

Give your husband the minimum respect he deserves by knowing what has been going on in his marriage for the last several years so he can make his own informed decision about what he wants to do with his life. That's his choice and not yours. If he gives you the gift of reconciliation, be grateful and do whatever he needs in order to heal.

 

Go NC with the OM immediately and completely and find a time to confess to your betrayed husband. You will find a lot of support here if you choose to take this route. But get out of this denial business. Put on your big girl panties and own your actions instead of trapping your H in a sham of a marriage.

Edited September 24, 2012 by BetrayedH

[Sameold]

You have already destroyed your marriage, your husband just doesn't know it yet. Tell your husband so he can decide what happens, it isn't and shouldn't be your decision.

[Douchbag]

Am posting this to you mainly because you seem to use your abortion´s

as an excuse..Im sorry BTW about your decision for it..

 

I dont mean to be cruel or hart less towards you.

 

 

"Just friends". It dispels lots of the myths about affairs and is kind of frightening.

 

Assumption: Affairs happen in unhappy or unloving marriages.

Fact: Affairs can happen in good marriages. Affairs are less about love and more about sliding across boundaries.

 

Assumption: Affairs occur mostly because of sexual attraction.

Fact: The lure of an affair is how the unfaithful partner is mirrored back through the adoring eyes of the new love. Another appeal is that individuals experience new roles and opportunities for growth in new relationships.

 

Assumption: The person having an affair isn’t “getting enough” at home.

Fact: The truth is that the unfaithful partner may not be giving enough. In fact, the spouse who gives too little is at greater risk than the spouse who gives too much because he or she is less invested.

[whichwayisup]

He doesn’t know and I hope he never finds out. It would kill him. My punishment is having to live with this.

 

You have to tell him. If you don't and someone else does (aka a neighbour, the bestfriend, or maybe someone else) your husband will freak out and kick you out immediately then go beat the living shi.t of his so-called best friend.

 

And no, there cannot be ANY friendship. That's done and buried..The minute you two crossed the lines, that innocence and platonic bit of the friendship ended forever. HE is a cancer to your marriage and definately no friend to your husband. Fact is, double betrayal is the worst kind of infidelity. Your husband may or may not forgive, but he'll never forget.

 

Tell him the truth..Better for him to hear it from you than from someone else.

 

Also, get some counselling..You have been through emotional turmoil (2 abortions) and it did affect your marriage, what you felt for your husband.. so how you handled all this has to change so it never happens again. With your husband or anybody else (if you two do divorce).

[Ninja'sHusband]

Obviously it's not going to work out with the OM, he sounds like a real piece of work...

 

but is it possible to work things out with your H?

 

I dunno if other people really get what you went through. I dated someone in highschool who had just had an abortion in secret with very little support from her exboyfriend. It was a horrible horrible experience for her, just unimaginable. The trauma of losing a baby, the shocking experience of the procedure, the guilt of what you have done, the feeling of loneliness since noone knows. I also saw my wife go through a miscarriage, I had never seen her in so much anguish (emotional, not physical). Feeling the baby die within her was just soul wrenching. What if she had done it on purpose, adding the guilt in? What if she had it 2x? What if she had a husband to blame for it? Wow, that's some serious resentment to hold back. Have you really delved into and had counseling on the experience of having two abortions? That's no light matter, and I wonder if you'll ever be able to forgive your husband for pressuring you into it. Even when I knew that my wife's baby might not be mine I NEVER considered asking her to have an abortion, even when she asked me if that's what I wanted. My answer was an immediate definite "No, don't do that to yourself or that baby". So anyway, I would take a long hard look at your feelings toward your husband and if they are salveagable. If not, do the honest thing and leave, don't prolong something that is hopeless. If he doesn't know what a horrible experience abortion is...you need to tell him and let him know what kind situation you are truly in. He might not understand the magnitude of it...but honestly now he probably won't care. Infidelity is the ultimate sabotage, it's like throwing a grenade at an already bleeding heart.

 

Sigh....I wish I knew the solution....I hate these threads

[Steen719]

Obviously it's not going to work out with the OM, he sounds like a real piece of work...

 

but is it possible to work things out with your H?

 

I dunno if other people really get what you went through. I dated someone in highschool who had just had an abortion in secret with very little support from her exboyfriend. It was a horrible horrible experience for her, just unimaginable. The trauma of losing a baby, the shocking experience of the procedure, the guilt of what you have done, the feeling of loneliness since noone knows. I also saw my wife go through a miscarriage, I had never seen her in so much anguish (emotional, not physical). Feeling the baby die within her was just soul wrenching. What if she had done it on purpose, adding the guilt in? What if she had it 2x? What if she had a husband to blame for it? Wow, that's some serious resentment to hold back. Have you really delved into and had counseling on the experience of having two abortions? That's no light matter, and I wonder if you'll ever be able to forgive your husband for pressuring you into it. Even when I knew that my wife's baby might not be mine I NEVER considered asking her to have an abortion, even when she asked me if that's what I wanted. My answer was an immediate definite "No, don't do that to yourself or that baby". So anyway, I would take a long hard look at your feelings toward your husband and if they are salveagable. If not, do the honest thing and leave, don't prolong something that is hopeless. If he doesn't know what a horrible experience abortion is...you need to tell him and let him know what kind situation you are truly in. He might not understand the magnitude of it...but honestly now he probably won't care. Infidelity is the ultimate sabotage, it's like throwing a grenade at an already bleeding heart.

 

Sigh....I wish I knew the solution....I hate these threads

 

Me too. So sad.

 

Heart-aching, whatever happens, stay away from the friend for many reasons, but one big reason is he is, in my son's words, a douchebag. He is no friend to your husband, uses women and moves on. Good God, he wants to double date and still come to your home, his friend's home when he has been screwing his wife behind the friend's back. He is a piece of crap and you know it.

 

Please find a good counselor and start working through all of the issues you are confronting. You need to do this right away. You may not be able to save your marriage,, but even so, if you do not get some help soon, you will not be successful in future relationships. Not telling your husband is not the way to go. Put all of your cards on the table and find out what is there for the two of you. If you don't, it is not fair to your husband and it won't help you heal in any way.

 

Good luck, be strong and get better.

[Madman81]

By secretly sleeping with your husband's "best friend" (I put that in quotes because, with friends like that, who needs enemies?), you and he have both massively disrespected your husband, and made a fool out of him over and over again.

 

By continuing this charade, by being "just friends" with the BF, and by not coming clean with your husband, you are continuing to disrespect your husband and make a fool out of him.

 

Say you fix your relationship with your husband but by some miracle manage to avoid ever seeing the BF again. With your husband in the dark, he'll continue to hang out with his BF. Little will he know that his so-called buddy spent two years porking his wife.

 

If you have any love or respect for your husband, you need to give him the full truth, now. It's pointless to even talk about "repairing" your relationship with your husband unless you do that, because you'll be "repairing" a marriage that's largely based, right now, on a massive lie and deception.

 

At least if you come clean of your own volition, your husband may be able to forgive you, because he won't have found out on his own by checking your email or your phone. Or his BF won't get drunk and blab to somebody. You need to, at long last, give your husband the respect of allowing him to decide which people he wants to have in his life. That's his decision to make -- not yours. And you've spent the last two years making that decision for him, for your own ends, with no consideration for his rights.

 

You've taken the path of least resistance for long enough. As they say, it's time for you to "put on your big girl panties and own your shyt".

[heart-aching]

Thank you everyone for your well thought out responses. Some harsh, but definitely deserved. I agree I have been making excuses and I am a coward. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this so it is confusing. What every one of you said makes sense to me. I always hated cheaters and I became one. This is my first step towards doing the right thing. I haven't been to counsuling, but I have looked into it. I know I need it. You are right that I need to tell my husband in order to have a chance at repairing our marriage. His mother also died this year, so I feel it would be pouring salt in his wounds. Sounds like another excuse, but I don't know how much he can handle. I have to time it right. And you are right about ending the friendship. Thank you all so much for your advice and not bashing me too badly.

[whichwayisup]

Your husband is probably a hell of a lot stronger than you realize. And, he probably knows 'something' has be 'off' for a quite a while so he may not be totally shocked to find out you've cheated on him. The thing that will shock him is who you cheated with.

 

Yes, DO counselling. Don't put it off. Make the call tomorrow, get strong so you can come clean to your husband.

[2sure]

I was feeling your pain and confusion right up to where you said..."I am not without guilt but feel he holds more responsibility"

 

You don't get it.

[heart-aching]

2sure - you are right. Part of my delusions. I have to take full responsibility. I am not innocent.

[Michael Johnson]

There's no excuse to withhold this from him. Either you tell him or you should get a divorce. No real friend sleeps with his buddy's wife and vice versa. That's just wrong and the 2 of you carried on for years. He never deserved what you caused, ma'am.

[mercy]

Wow, you are really angry at your h. What better way to get back at him than have an affair with his friend.

 

You need counseling to get over that anger.

 

You both made the decision to abort. It is easier to put the blame on someone else rather than deal with your emotions. Seriously, see a counselor to help you through this.

 

Work on forgiving yourself. You haven't healed from this and I don't think you will without help.

[2sure]

Saying she has to tell her husband is absolutely right. We tell people that all the time. You can't fix this and move on together, period,unless you do it with everything on the table. Sure.....

 

But how? How do we suggest she tell him something like this?

 

I think first,OP has to figure out what she wants. But quick.

[heart-aching]

What I really wonder is if this is something that is forgiveable. This is going to scar him for life. If I were in his shoes, I'm not sure what I would do. It is the ultimate betrayal on a marriage, and I don't know how anyone could move past this. I thought about leaving him just to spare the worst pain but I don't know how I would explain that without telling him about the affair. I made up my mind that I do want to stay married. Guess its a matter of figuring out a way of telling him the truth and let him decide if he wants to stay with me. I don't deserve it.

[Ninja'sHusband]

What I really wonder is if this is something that is forgiveable. This is going to scar him for life. If I were in his shoes, I'm not sure what I would do. It is the ultimate betrayal on a marriage, and I don't know how anyone could move past this. I thought about leaving him just to spare the worst pain but I don't know how I would explain that without telling him about the affair. I made up my mind that I do want to stay married. Guess its a matter of figuring out a way of telling him the truth and let him decide if he wants to stay with me. I don't deserve it.

 

Whatever you do, don't minimize it. That's the worst thing possible because once he knows, he will stop at nothing to find the real truth. Once more lies are discovered things get much much worse. If you tell him the truth from the start, he'll have that much more faith in you. Answer his questions honestly. Also tell him how much you love him.

 

Another thing you normally do is to say you'll never see your AP again...in this case...ugh, it's his best friend so I dunno what to say there. I guess that's up to your H to figure out.

[whichwayisup]

Your the married one and could and should have always prevented this from happening. However, your husband should have been there for you too.. Feeling neglected is not an excuse but having that feeling can open a door for seeking attention elsewhere.. Maybe your husband has some small responsibility for this outcome.

 

No, her husband is not responsible for her choice in how she handled this. She felt neglected, she could have spoken up. Gone to counselling.

He is partially responsible for the state of the marriage and the problems in it but he is NOT responsible for her choice in cheating on her husband with his bestfriend.

 

That's like partially blaming a woman for getting raped because of wearing a low cut blouse or a short skirt.

[SoleMate]

Is there any chance your H set you up to have this A? I ask because I find the leg rubbing and dog walking incidents to be almost unbelievable without positing your H's complicity and/or conspiracy. Who watches his best friend feel up his wife's leg and then makes a point of leaving them alone together a moment later?

 

Your H, that's who.

 

Not that it makes your situation any easier, unfortunately.

[Steadfast]

The way I see it, you took on the weakness of others (your husband and his 'friend') and made it worse by adding a bunch of your own to the mix.

 

No. You are not innocent.

 

If everything you wrote is true, I can certainly understand your guilt. The real issue isn't your husband's cowardice towards fathering children (which is tragic) or his panty-dropping friend (who is slime) but your decision to go along. It's in the past, but for whatever reason you lacked the courage and desire to do the right thing when the right thing needed to be done.

 

Please understand I hold a firm position against abortion. More than any 'choice' is the termination of who has no choice or responsibility of it.

 

The only way out is the way you came in. Back track all of your steps by telling your husband the truth and your lover goodbye forever. Forget any promise of friendship to him; he deserves none. He can clean his own slate.

 

IMO, your marriage is over. Too much damage from not enough heart. On the bright side, you have the chance to learn and grow from these huge mistakes and make something of yourself. I dare say you cannot do that until you develop the character to stand on your own and have the courage to do what you know is right and proper. Stop screwing yourself over and in time, you'll stop doing the same to others. Start today. It's not too soon.

[LoveTKO]

The reason why I mentioned finding it peculiar that he went and walked the dog while leaving you two alone after a night out is because of a personal experience that I had . This friend of mine was in somewhat similar situation in his marriage. The strange thing about the whole ordeal is that he always encouraged me to take his wife out, stating that he didn't have time for her because he was tired all the time. He also mentioned the fact that is was aware that she is attracted to me. This is not an excuse to have sex behind someone's back, but based on what you wrote in your post there isn't a snowball's chance in hell that he wasn't aware of the chemistry between you two.

[BetrayedH]

Ok, you've decided you want your marriage and you agree that you need to tell your husband in order to repair the marriage. We're getting somewhere. For the time being, let's get off the guilt trip train and get focused on what you need to do.

 

Here's the good news. By disclosing your affair, you double your chances of reconciling compared to it being discovered. The stats for staying together at 2 years put you at about 70%. But there is a hell of a lot you can do to increase those odds. Most waywards step in about 10 piles of sh|t at first. Let's avoid that.

 

First, get the book, How To Help My Spouse Heal From My Affair. It's a quick and easy read but it will give you a decent foundation.

 

Second, write the OM a "No Contact" letter indicating that you are going to restore your marriage and that this is the last time there should ever be contact between you. Commit to having no contact with him for life.

 

Third, get into the mindset that this was not your husband's fault in any way shape or form. If you have a bad marriage, the ethical/logical/healthy/respectful thing to do is to either fix it or divorce. You chose neither of those but instead chose an unethical/illogical/unhealthy/disrespectful path and acknowledge that it violates even your own standards. Something within YOU permitted that to happen. Your H does own 50% of the state of the marriage. But plenty of people have unhappy marriages and don't cheat. As a matter of fact, your H was in the same unhappy marriage and didn't cheat. You have to own 100% of the decision to cheat. Steel yourself to avoid any kind of blameshifting. Any excuses for the infidelity will not be received well.

 

Fourth, sign up for therapy today to help you determine the "why" behind your decision to cheat. Proactive steps like this will help him see that you are committed to the marriage and made the choice to stay freely. Of course, the therapy may well help you process the abortion drama as well.

 

Fifth, find the strength to be completely honest with your husband. I mean COMPLETELY honest. One of the largest hurdles your H will wrestle with is his ability to believe what you say. If he can't believe you, he will never be able to recommit to you. More lying after the affair is disclosed will absolutely kill any faith he has in you. You will begin over again at step 1 (if you're lucky). Many waywards only share what the betrayed spouse already knows and continue to keep secrets "to protect" their spouse. They trickle the truth (which all eventually comes out anyway) and each revelation is like DDay all over again. I cannot stress enough how you need to rip the bandaid off. You don't need to volunteer graphic information immediately (some don't want to know the details) but you do need to be willing to answer every single question, no matter how awful, without defensiveness or dishonesty. If he asks, tell him. Period. Get yourself mentally prepared for this.

 

Sixth, sit down and tell him. Apologize profusely. Tell him you will do whatever it takes to repair the damage that you have done. Tell him that you love him and only him. Then let him react.

 

You may expect him to immediately be done and never look back. We all expect that. That's actually very rare (25% or less among men; about 10% for women). Most will waffle back and forth for quite a while in shock and dismay. He will be on a rollercoaster of emotions. Support him through all of it and ensure him that you will stay.

 

It is said (and wisely so) that it takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. Don't expect him to "get over it" anytime soon. Be prepared for the long haul. In my mind, a truly remorseful wayward spouse holds far more of the cards than what they expect. If you play them right, reconciliation can and does happen.

 

I know you can do this. It's step one towards living an authentic life of which you can once again be proud. But you are the one that has to make the choice. What say you?

[ver13]

IMO you need to let you H know what you two have been up to and let him make up his own mind as to what he wants to do. The OM is not his BF what so ever look at what he did to him, which also say's a lot about you too. In M a lot of high drama can be gotten over as long as both partners know what is really going on in the first place. But they have to know what they are facing and be given the opportunity to make a life decision for themselves. Just put yourself in his place what if it were your BFF that he did this with and you found out by accident how would you feel, what would you say? What if he framed the reason's for the A in the same way that you have posted here? How is this supposed to work it's way out when at the next BBQ your buddy show's up and touches his leg on the down low in the kitchen. Because she hasn't gotten the message yet. This will be painfull that's for sure but what other choice do you have if you want to try and save your M. The result may be the ending of the M but your already headed in that direction by internalizing this situation that you are in right now. H needs to know what happened from you not anyone else like his supposed best friend.

[Bittersweetie]

Ok, you've decided you want your marriage and you agree that you need to tell your husband in order to repair the marriage. We're getting somewhere. For the time being, let's get off the guilt trip train and get focused on what you need to do.

 

Here's the good news. By disclosing your affair, you double your chances of reconciling compared to it being discovered. The stats for staying together at 2 years put you at about 70%. But there is a hell of a lot you can do to increase those odds. Most waywards step in about 10 piles of sh|t at first. Let's avoid that.

 

First, get the book, How To Help My Spouse Heal From My Affair. It's a quick and easy read but it will give you a decent foundation.

 

Second, write the OM a "No Contact" letter indicating that you are going to restore your marriage and that this is the last time there should ever be contact between you. Commit to having no contact with him for life.

 

Third, get into the mindset that this was not your husband's fault in any way shape or form. If you have a bad marriage, the ethical/logical/healthy/respectful thing to do is to either fix it or divorce. You chose neither of those but instead chose an unethical/illogical/unhealthy/disrespectful path and acknowledge that it violates even your own standards. Something within YOU permitted that to happen. Your H does own 50% of the state of the marriage. But plenty of people have unhappy marriages and don't cheat. As a matter of fact, your H was in the same unhappy marriage and didn't cheat. You have to own 100% of the decision to cheat. Steel yourself to avoid any kind of blameshifting. Any excuses for the infidelity will not be received well.

 

Fourth, sign up for therapy today to help you determine the "why" behind your decision to cheat. Proactive steps like this will help him see that you are committed to the marriage and made the choice to stay freely. Of course, the therapy may well help you process the abortion drama as well.

 

Fifth, find the strength to be completely honest with your husband. I mean COMPLETELY honest. One of the largest hurdles your H will wrestle with is his ability to believe what you say. If he can't believe you, he will never be able to recommit to you. More lying after the affair is disclosed will absolutely kill any faith he has in you. You will begin over again at step 1 (if you're lucky). Many waywards only share what the betrayed spouse already knows and continue to keep secrets "to protect" their spouse. They trickle the truth (which all eventually comes out anyway) and each revelation is like DDay all over again. I cannot stress enough how you need to rip the bandaid off. You don't need to volunteer graphic information immediately (some don't want to know the details) but you do need to be willing to answer every single question, no matter how awful, without defensiveness or dishonesty. If he asks, tell him. Period. Get yourself mentally prepared for this.

 

Sixth, sit down and tell him. Apologize profusely. Tell him you will do whatever it takes to repair the damage that you have done. Tell him that you love him and only him. Then let him react.

 

You may expect him to immediately be done and never look back. We all expect that. That's actually very rare (25% or less among men; about 10% for women). Most will waffle back and forth for quite a while in shock and dismay. He will be on a rollercoaster of emotions. Support him through all of it and ensure him that you will stay.

 

It is said (and wisely so) that it takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. Don't expect him to "get over it" anytime soon. Be prepared for the long haul. In my mind, a truly remorseful wayward spouse holds far more of the cards than what they expect. If you play them right, reconciliation can and does happen.

 

I know you can do this. It's step one towards living an authentic life of which you can once again be proud. But you are the one that has to make the choice. What say you?

 

Betrayed offers a lot of really good advice here. And I'm coming from the perspective of a WS who is reconciling with my H. I was very fortunate that my H gave me a second chance. It is not an easy road, and even though we are now 2+ years out from d-day, and things are going well for us, there is always work to be done on maintaining our relationship. Good luck to you.