Is it really time to leave? Long story....basically an essay

[CreativeLady]

Hi all, I'm a 32 year old woman, been with my husband (37yrs old) for 10 years, married for 2 and everything is falling apart right now.

 

When we first met we hit it off immediately and moved to another city together after dating for 4 months. I had known some of his family members for years, but had never met him before. He was married previously (together for 8 years, married for two) and had been separated for just under a year when we met. His ex-wife is a cocaine addict and the relationship was very unhealthy.

 

So we moved to our new city, not knowing too many people. I flew out prior to moving to interview for jobs I had applied for, while he moved out with no plans, one month before me. I was able to secure a job, while he had trouble. Finally one of my coworkers heard of something that might work for him and he was able to start working a seasonal position (landscaping) It should be said that he is also an artist (painter) and I also work in a creative field. This is something that was definitely attractive to me in the beginning, being with another creative person.

 

Time went on, I worked like crazy (I work in fashion and the hours are long) while he continued his seasonal work, until the physical labour started to take its toll on his back. At this point we had been discussing opening a boutique/gallery together. It had been a dream of both of ours throughout our lives, so we thought we'd give it a go. I continued at my full time job, and began paying all our expenses. Since the store was also something I was part of I was comfortable with this compromise, I felt like it was my project as well.

 

This is when a lot of the more serious problems began...and resentment began to build. The city we live in is mainly french, and my husband resisted and continues to resist learning french, which is quite important when working with the public. Time and again he would not take my advice RE how to improve things in the business. I was still working full time and could not also do all the store work myself, so I came in on evenings and weekends to help, but he would/could not make the business work for various reasons. We had signed a 5 year lease, so here we were, making no money, luckily enough to pay the store expenses, but not enough to cover anything else. The responsibility was squarely on my shoulders and I felt alone.

 

During this time I was laid off from my job, luckily with a great boss who gave me advance notice. I decided that it was time to finally follow my own dreams and start my own clothing line. I had been selling my designs on the side and had saved some money to make sure I could cover our expenses, so I dove into it. I worked from home to save money and basically just hustled my buns off. Somehow I managed to continue paying all our bills myself, while starting my own business. Our retail business however continued to flail, and my husband stubbornly would not take my business advice.

 

During this time, after a particularly bad holiday season in which my husband agreed to take part in a holiday artisan fair that was a large investment, in which he lost $3000 and I lost a week of work (I went with him to the show to help him) he proposed. We had discussed marriage previously and he said he never wanted to get married again. This had made my sad initially, but I had come to terms with it, and was pretty shocked when he proposed. I was excited and said yes of course, I thought it was just what I wanted. It should also be said at this time that we have NO kids and don't want to have any, we both really agree on this point.

 

Finally our lease was ending and we agreed it was time to shut things down. Throughout this time my husband had still been working on his art and had some encouraging successes. When we closed the store I told him that I thought he should still pursue his art, and that I could continue supporting us as long as he made a really strong effort to make his passion profitable. I would have been over the moon if someone had told me they would support me while I was starting my own business and I wanted to give this gift to him, however after 6 months he was still not able to contribute.

 

At this point I received a large and exciting order through my company and in order for us to take it on we decided my husband would start helping me at my company (I have had a separate studio space for almost 4 years now) He worked with me for 8 months, and it was really not good. One of the major problems we have is that he does not initiate problem solving or take on responsibility to decision making. It makes me feel like all the weight is on my shoulders. One of the things he DOES take on though is household responsibilities like cooking and laundry and much of the cleaning. He's a morning person and wakes up early and does many of these things. Over the years I've let him take on more and more, due to my resentment over having to carry the entire financial burden.

 

For the past 3 years we have also been having sex problems as well. Sex was good in the beginning (however I often faked orgasms....so stupid, I know), and we are very open minded about toys/etc however about 3 years ago sex started to become painful and really not enjoyable for me. We struggled with this for about a year, with me becoming very uninterested and resentful at the constant pressure, and him becoming frustrated by not understanding why this was happening. I had sex MANY times while really not wanting to, and being in pain, and it was really not the right thing to do. Almost 2 years ago we discovered I had a large uterine fibroid (non cancerous) but it was causing many problems including pain during sex, cramping/bloating, pressure on the bladder and heavy bleeding.

 

This past spring I was finally able to have the fibroid removed, however due to its large size it had to be removed through the abdomen, so the surgery was similar to a C-section, but the fibroid obviously has to be cut out of the uterus, it doesn't pop out like a baby

 

I had always wondered how my husband would function during a time of crisis...he tends to panic and freeze. I really hoped he would step up and take charge during this time, but it was a disaster. I was not allowed to bring a purse to the hospital (no secure place to lock it up) so I told him this and made sure he knew he would have to bring money on the day of the surgery. I gave him my credit card and interac card during this time to make sure he would have money. On the day I had my surgery he forgot to take out money for parking and ended up dropping me off at the front door of the hospital alone with my bags so I wouldn't be late to register. I then went in and proceeded alone, hoping he would eventually find me in the giant hospital...I was holding back tears and feeling so alone. Finally he found me and we continued on with the process of checking in. About 10 minutes before I'm to go into surgery he says "oh I didn't put enough money in the meter, I have to go refill it!" I was so worried I would be going into surgery before he got back, which almost happened...he got back right before I went in. The last thing I said was that I wanted him to be there when I got out...not right outside the door, but once I was wheeled back into my room...and he wasn't. I was alone for almost 2 hours, immediately post surgery. It was very upsetting but I knew if I got emotional and started crying the stomach pain would be killer, so I held it in.

 

The recovery at home in the following weeks was also not great, he really could not get it through his head how much pain I was in and how truly immobile. This is already SOOO long so I won't get into the details, but I felt really let down and alone.

 

In July I went home to another area to visit family and sell my designs at a local music festival that I sell at every year with a friend. It's my favorite time of the entire year, however my husband will not come, he says it's not his scene. While there I ran into an old boyfriend, and although nothing physical happened we spent a lot of time together and I was blown away by the attraction I felt for him. I really couldn't even believe that feelings like that were possible, I had shut them off for so long. To talk to someone about feelings and ideas, as two adults, was amazing.

 

Now, this isn't about the old boyfriend, but rather the realization that running into him caused. I feel like my husbands keeper, his mother or his older sibling. I'm not actually attracted to him at all anymore...our connection got lost somewhere along the way.

 

I told him all of this as soon as I got back, and he is totally devastated. We have started seeing a counselor (both together and individually). I know that I'm not happy right now, and that he REALLY wants to work on things, but how can you fall back in love with someone? He's let me down so many times, but he is a nice and caring person and very sweet. He's good at the "little things" (ie. cooking me dinner, saying i love you, hugging, etc) but back at the "big things" (ie. financial responsibility, decision making, communicating)

 

What to do? We've been living in limbo for the past 2 months and it's hell.

 

I'm sure I've left things out, but this is a long enough post as it is....I'm lost and feel so sad and dead inside right now....

[Decisiontomake]

Hi CreativeLady

 

That was a great post in terms of explaining your back story, where you're at and how you're feeling right how. I wanted to respond as although I don't really have answers as such, I understand what you're talking about as my issues with my husband have been very similar to yours.

 

Take a look at previous posts as far back as 2009!

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/182664-how-do-you-know-when-you-need-go-unhappily-married-separating[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/225522-how-do-you-know-if-its-pattern-incompatability-just-blip[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

 

I've posted recently about some issues I've been finding, more within myself at this stage that with him, but they are born out of the issues I've had with him. Make sense? Anyway, I've put some comments on your post below. Keep posting here, I've had some great advice from the members that have helped me take a cold hard look at where I am.

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

Hi all, I'm a 32 year old woman, been with my husband (37yrs old) for 10 years, married for 2 and everything is falling apart right now. I'm 39(today actually!), and have been with my husband for 21 years, married for 18.

When we first met we hit it off immediately and moved to another city together after dating for 4 months. I had known some of his family members for years, but had never met him before. He was married previously (together for 8 years, married for two) and had been separated for just under a year when we met. His ex-wife is a cocaine addict and the relationship was very unhealthy. My husband had also been married before I met him. Felt the same connection you did with yours.

 

So we moved to our new city, not knowing too many people. I flew out prior to moving to interview for jobs I had applied for, while he moved out with no plans, one month before me. I was able to secure a job, while he had trouble. Finally one of my coworkers heard of something that might work for him and he was able to start working a seasonal position (landscaping) It should be said that he is also an artist (painter) and I also work in a creative field. This is something that was definitely attractive to me in the beginning, being with another creative person.

 

Time went on, I worked like crazy (I work in fashion and the hours are long) while he continued his seasonal work, until the physical labour started to take its toll on his back. At this point we had been discussing opening a boutique/gallery together. It had been a dream of both of ours throughout our lives, so we thought we'd give it a go. I continued at my full time job, and began paying all our expenses. Since the store was also something I was part of I was comfortable with this compromise, I felt like it was my project as well. A few years ago we moved from the UK to America. It was for a work opportunity I had, and we wanted a better life for our family (we have kids - I know you don't). At first he couldn't work due to VISA restrictions, but this actually turned into 3 years of him not working - he was enjoying life not doing anything whilst I, like you, was working like a banshie woman keeping us supported.

 

This is when a lot of the more serious problems began...and resentment began to build. The city we live in is mainly french, and my husband resisted and continues to resist learning french, which is quite important when working with the public. Time and again he would not take my advice RE how to improve things in the business. I was still working full time and could not also do all the store work myself, so I came in on evenings and weekends to help, but he would/could not make the business work for various reasons. We had signed a 5 year lease, so here we were, making no money, luckily enough to pay the store expenses, but not enough to cover anything else. The responsibility was squarely on my shoulders and I felt alone. Totally get the responsibility bit about feeling as though it's all on you. My husband has always been a passenger in this respect, knowing deep down he doesn't need to worry about stuff like that as I'll do it. I think I faciliated some of this myself though as I'm very driven - as you sound to be - and so taking charge and leading forward kind of comes naturally to me. It's not until you do that for a while that you realize how heavy the weight of what you create becomes and by that point the marriage has settled into a "you do it all" kind of place.

 

Finally our lease was ending and we agreed it was time to shut things down. Throughout this time my husband had still been working on his art and had some encouraging successes. When we closed the store I told him that I thought he should still pursue his art, and that I could continue supporting us as long as he made a really strong effort to make his passion profitable. I would have been over the moon if someone had told me they would support me while I was starting my own business and I wanted to give this gift to him, however after 6 months he was still not able to contribute. My husband continually spoke about efforts he was going to make; get training to make him more employable, look to get his CV out to lots of places to get a good job etc etc. All words, and no action unfortunately.

 

At this point I received a large and exciting order through my company and in order for us to take it on we decided my husband would start helping me at my company (I have had a separate studio space for almost 4 years now) He worked with me for 8 months, and it was really not good. One of the major problems we have is that he does not initiate problem solving or take on responsibility to decision making. It makes me feel like all the weight is on my shoulders. One of the things he DOES take on though is household responsibilities like cooking and laundry and much of the cleaning. He's a morning person and wakes up early and does many of these things. Over the years I've let him take on more and more, due to my resentment over having to carry the entire financial burden. My husband too looks after the house well, but honestly, I'd take a big pile of built up laundy any day if I had more of a partnership ethos out of him!

 

For the past 3 years we have also been having sex problems as well. Sex was good in the beginning (however I often faked orgasms....so stupid, I know), and we are very open minded about toys/etc however about 3 years ago sex started to become painful and really not enjoyable for me. We struggled with this for about a year, with me becoming very uninterested and resentful at the constant pressure, and him becoming frustrated by not understanding why this was happening. I had sex MANY times while really not wanting to, and being in pain, and it was really not the right thing to do. Almost 2 years ago we discovered I had a large uterine fibroid (non cancerous) but it was causing many problems including pain during sex, cramping/bloating, pressure on the bladder and heavy bleeding. My problem was the opposite, in that our sex life dwindled through meds he was taking following a brain injury.

 

In July I went home to another area to visit family and sell my designs at a local music festival that I sell at every year with a friend. It's my favorite time of the entire year, however my husband will not come, he says it's not his scene. While there I ran into an old boyfriend, and although nothing physical happened we spent a lot of time together and I was blown away by the attraction I felt for him. I really couldn't even believe that feelings like that were possible, I had shut them off for so long. To talk to someone about feelings and ideas, as two adults, was amazing.

 

Now, this isn't about the old boyfriend, but rather the realization that running into him caused. I feel like my husbands keeper, his mother or his older sibling. I'm not actually attracted to him at all anymore...our connection got lost somewhere along the way. Totally, totally get this - I connected with an old boyfriend via FB and have to confess I wasn't attracted to him at all physically, but the attention, the conversation, the feeing of escaping what I was unhappy in is what led me to feel an attachment outside of my marriage. No longer talking to the ex and it was nothing big in terms of ever being a direct threat to my marriage. Like you, it was more an awakening for me as to what I was missing.

 

I told him all of this as soon as I got back, and he is totally devastated. We have started seeing a counselor (both together and individually). I know that I'm not happy right now, and that he REALLY wants to work on things, but how can you fall back in love with someone? He's let me down so many times, but he is a nice and caring person and very sweet. He's good at the "little things" (ie. cooking me dinner, saying i love you, hugging, etc) but back at the "big things" (ie. financial responsibility, decision making, communicating). My husband found out about the flirtations with my ex and was devastated too - because of what it meant I'd been thinking in terms of needing some kind of stimulation outside of the marriage rather than it being a threat itself. BUT, boy did it wake him up and make him look at what I was missing from him.

 

 

I'm sure I've left things out, but this is a long enough post as it is....I'm lost and feel so sad and dead inside right now...I get this too and from the IC I've been having, thats just a way of protecting yourself. You're blocking emotions and that's what leaves you with the dead inside feeling.

 

You asked if it's possible to fall in love with your husband again. I would say the bottom line anwer to that is yes BUT it depends on his actions now, and how you recommit and effort to seeing him change. Like me, you're probably cynical he can do it. You have a laundry list of references to show that he hasn't before, or that he's tried at things and failed, so you're probably resigned that he'll try at saving the marriage, or re engaging or whatever, and fail at that. I had to learn not to think that way, and to judge on current actions, not past. Bloody hard to do as I'm waaaaaaaaaaaay too analytical, but it's valid advice.

 

I hope the fact that there's others out here with some of the same "gripes" will be helpful.

 

I'm in a place now where I'm navigating my own madness - in that I've become restless and a cliched mid-life crisis candidate! However, I'm working hard to ride it out. You sound as though you're doing all the right things - the IC, the MC - it's all positive and pro-active. Give it some time to sink into your psyche - it may be that after all of that has truly been digested, you may decide your marriage is not to be BUT, give yourself some time to let the conclusion, either way, be thought through at a natural pace. Yes, that makes for limbo but you'd be in limbo if you became single again anyway, so the alternative limbo might be a better one in the long run.

[CreativeLady]

Decisiontomake - thank you so much for taking the time to read my long, long post...it's nice to know other people have dealt with similar issues...I will now take the time to read the links you included, thank you!

[Ami1uwant]

Sorry this happened.....

 

In my marriage I had simlar sex issues. Had her go through tests but never found out what it was. She would always complain of pain after but I was as gentle as you could be with it. After force I heard of a condition that fit her symptoms.

 

We're it me I'd want to know what was wrong and had you go to a dr to fnd out.

 

An issue in this appears to be a inflict in sexual roles....

 

What if you were the man doing this and he was a women..what would the reaction be?

 

It is as if you have an expectation that he make as much as you in money. Some guys have fields that just don't make enough or their values are monetary but rather have a life outside of work.

 

Another issue...you two really shouldn't have worked together so much. I understand occasionally or one travels with the other for a show. Ths drove a separation in the relationship because it became more f a boss-employee thing. He may have not made decisions you wanted because it was your business....thus your job.

 

 

It's common an issue in marriage is the financial and responsibility one.

 

It was the biggest reason for my failure. When I met her she wanted to have a uccesful career. A opulent years n a medical issue came up, I supported her in this..but she isn't work for 6 months. Then she didn't want to work. Besides that I did 90% of the housework. I couldn't get past her not working. I honestly believe she had an emotional affair on the computer with someone else.