DavidG Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Hi everyone! My girlfriend (now ex?) and I are both 29 and have been together for roughly 1.5 years. We have talked about marriage, having kids and basically all that comes with having a life together. Recently, we started to have problems with our social lives together and instead of manning up and fixing them, I just went the selfish route and did nothing about it. Simple things like going on vacations, festivals, etc. I had limited time for (being that I am in grad school for Engineering) and I just sat back and did school work instead of realizing what I was doing. Now we do spend a lot of personal time together but going out as a couple has been seriously limited. We have also had a couple of small break ups over this but have always come back to each other. About a month ago, she broke up with me and we did not speak for 2 weeks. She had met a "rebound" and spent her time with him and I pretty much did the same except that hers was more geared towards becoming serious. After the two weeks, I realized that I was a complete idiot and I did want to be with her no matter what I had to sacrifice. I realized that I needed to make the time that she needs and I am more willing than ever to do so. Here is the issue...we have been talking/texting for the past two weeks. She broke it off with her "rebound" as well. We talk about marriage, kids, etc... and have been randomly spending time together, although we are NOT together. I am pretty much trying to be 110% perfect in her eyes and I feel like i'm making progress but she wont get back with me. She simply tells me that she does not know what she wants and if she wants to be with me (even though we talk about the future). I realized that I messed up but I have never been in this situation and do not know how to approach it. I cant sleep, focus, etc. and I feel like i'm getting dragged along and we are hanging out as friends (although we do kiss but that's as far as it goes). Please advise me on how to go about this. I feel like if I go no contact i'm going to make her think I don't want her but if I contact her too much, I seem desperate. She also said she isn't interested in anyone else but just wants to be alone. What do I do? Thanks in advance! Dave
bluefairy812 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Hi everyone! My girlfriend (now ex?) and I are both 29 and have been together for roughly 1.5 years. We have talked about marriage, having kids and basically all that comes with having a life together. Recently, we started to have problems with our social lives together and instead of manning up and fixing them, I just went the selfish route and did nothing about it. Simple things like going on vacations, festivals, etc. I had limited time for (being that I am in grad school for Engineering) and I just sat back and did school work instead of realizing what I was doing. Now we do spend a lot of personal time together but going out as a couple has been seriously limited. We have also had a couple of small break ups over this but have always come back to each other. About a month ago, she broke up with me and we did not speak for 2 weeks. She had met a "rebound" and spent her time with him and I pretty much did the same except that hers was more geared towards becoming serious. After the two weeks, I realized that I was a complete idiot and I did want to be with her no matter what I had to sacrifice. I realized that I needed to make the time that she needs and I am more willing than ever to do so. Here is the issue...we have been talking/texting for the past two weeks. She broke it off with her "rebound" as well. We talk about marriage, kids, etc... and have been randomly spending time together, although we are NOT together. I am pretty much trying to be 110% perfect in her eyes and I feel like i'm making progress but she wont get back with me. She simply tells me that she does not know what she wants and if she wants to be with me (even though we talk about the future). I realized that I messed up but I have never been in this situation and do not know how to approach it. I cant sleep, focus, etc. and I feel like i'm getting dragged along and we are hanging out as friends (although we do kiss but that's as far as it goes). Please advise me on how to go about this. I feel like if I go no contact i'm going to make her think I don't want her but if I contact her too much, I seem desperate. She also said she isn't interested in anyone else but just wants to be alone. What do I do? Thanks in advance! Dave hi dave, it sounds like you should give her space. it does look like you ARE going somewhere with the fact you guys are talking and she broke it off with the rebound. you are obviously a REAL man in realizing you needed to change. i think you should give her what she wants and go NC honestly... if she needs space, give it to her. let her see life without you so she can realize what she wants instead of stringing you along.
Author DavidG Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 hi dave, it sounds like you should give her space. it does look like you ARE going somewhere with the fact you guys are talking and she broke it off with the rebound. you are obviously a REAL man in realizing you needed to change. i think you should give her what she wants and go NC honestly... if she needs space, give it to her. let her see life without you so she can realize what she wants instead of stringing you along. Thanks so much for the reply! Should I stop responding to her texts and calls all together? NC is in most situation the only way since it either gives you the time to get over him or her or it allows you both time to miss what you've had together and to reconcile if possible. Just today she texted me when she woke up with a simple smiley face and then she called me about an hour ago. It was just small talk but I feel that if I stop responding, she will take it as I am done trying. Maybe she just wants to know I am still there but this is the hardest part for me to understand and approach. Thanks again!!
yoman38 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 honestly I don't think she is that into you at this point. I'd just try to retain sanity and give her space. Take this time to distance yourself and start working on yourself.
bluefairy812 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Thanks so much for the reply! Should I stop responding to her texts and calls all together? NC is in most situation the only way since it either gives you the time to get over him or her or it allows you both time to miss what you've had together and to reconcile if possible. Just today she texted me when she woke up with a simple smiley face and then she called me about an hour ago. It was just small talk but I feel that if I stop responding, she will take it as I am done trying. Maybe she just wants to know I am still there but this is the hardest part for me to understand and approach. Thanks again!! i think you should talk to her to get some closure, make it clear this is all or nothing. hope for the best but prepare for the worst. she might take the "i need space so get out of my life right now" route. after this, go NC completely. let her see what life is like without you. honestly its hard and everything but you need to put everything on the table. it's not right to keep you there not knowing what happens next. it's not fair to you and it delays you from moving on.
salmagundi Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Hey DavidG, I have to jump in here because I've gone through exactly this. We broke up, went nc a 2-3 weeks and then started talking, hooking up etc. She was giving me all kinds of signals that things were looking up for us, but all without promising anything. Thats the clincher, if she is telling you she doesn't want to give you hope, if she says she is afraid of hurting you or letting you down, if she says she is confused or doesn't know what she wants than all of that probably means she doesn't want you...its just that she's doesn't want to be alone and you are comfortable and comforting. In other words, you are at risk of being her emotional crutch. Thats what my ex did, probably without meaning to, she made me her rebound. Which sucks in just about every way. You have to remember that dumping somebody hurts too. In my experience, women have almost as hard a time dumping someone they once loved (and probably still do) and they go through many of the same stages of grief...shock of separation, loneliness, insecurity etc. Not saying she's using you to get over you. Just saying she might be. In any case, ask yourself "what is she waiting for to make up her mind?" Do you think she's waiting for you to say something magical that makes her choice clear again? IS she waiting for you to serenade her under her window? Or is she keeping you around while she bides her time to see what else comes along? If so, you are going to be left holding a bag of s?&t all the while realizing that you will have broken up with her not once, but now twice. And it will suck to be you, believe me. I vote for telling her that you appreciate her need to get her head sorted out, that you want to be with her, but that she can't expect you to just dance on the end of her line while she works it out (or not). Tell her to take some time, figure it out and when she does, she can tell you all about. And see if you are still around or even interested. Good luck, hope it turns out better than my story:)
veggirl Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 You should tell her the truth: -you are not interested in being friends -you are not interested in an undefined "relationship" -she can call you when she knows what she wants and you'll re-assess then, depending on where you are at yourself use that time to go NC and move on.
Author DavidG Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 Thanks Salmagundi- im sorry your situation turned out bad but I appreciate the input. Your probably dead on (as well as the other responders). And even if it were to somehow work, time is the only way to tell. Any other approach will look desperate and unattractive. Thanks everyone for telling me what I didnt want to here....AKA: reality Now for the hard part!
bluefairy812 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 it will be very hard just keep coming back to loveshack, keep your mind occupied... I absolutely recommend going to the gym with some friends to release endorphins, it helps out and you won't think of your ex i bet! you will be focused. also try to read things that will help you let go and move on. that its my problem now :/ so i need to get past it one way or another.
Author DavidG Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 You should tell her the truth: -you are not interested in being friends -you are not interested in an undefined "relationship" -she can call you when she knows what she wants and you'll re-assess then, depending on where you are at yourself use that time to go NC and move on. I actually did that the other day. It just ended up with "i cant tell you now because i am not sure exactly what I want anymore" Time for NC
Author DavidG Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 it will be very hard just keep coming back to loveshack, keep your mind occupied... I absolutely recommend going to the gym with some friends to release endorphins, it helps out and you won't think of your ex i bet! you will be focused. also try to read things that will help you let go and move on. that its my problem now :/ so i need to get past it one way or another. Thanks bluefairy! I will definitely stay around loveshack! I wish the gym thing worked for me! Ive been competing in MMA and going to the gym 6-7 times a week so it is just a normal part of the day...which means this actually is ruining my concentration/strength gains (if that makes any sense:D). Reading is surely on the list! Thanks again!
Author DavidG Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 Well everyone was right. I had a weak moment and drove past her house and the "rebound" that she broke up with was there. I guess today is day 1 of NC. Thanks for all the replies! Its funny how you try and convince yourself against reality and people looking from the outside in can tell you how it really is!
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