Husband's temper (long ramble)

[stromssa]

Hi everyone,

I am 35 years old, married 6 years, and no children. Though my relationship with my husband started out like a fairy tale, with him proposing after only 2 months of dating (I accepted, but with the condition we wait a year to get married so we would get to know each other better)--things have gone south rapidly over the past number of years.

 

My husband is prone to a fiery temper but he hides it well and doesn't explode too often. He's a "nice guy" to virtually everyone--holding doors for old ladies, being a good listener when people at work confide in him, etc. With me, though, he lets his temper show. He gets really worked up over minor annoyances and yells and screams and swears, getting a "wild" look in his eyes. He's stomped around, thrown stuff, kicked stuff. etc. This happens the most when some household appliance doesn't work properly or if he accidentally breaks something or loses something. He insists that none of this anger is directed at me, but it still intimidates me.

 

So, yesterday, we were visiting my hometown, which is nearby to where we live now. We were shopping secondhand (it was supposed to be 'my' day out and I enjoy shopping). I wanted to get a used VHS tape set for $3.75 and a few books; the total cost of which was under $5. My husband had offered to pay for whatever it was I got, even though he hates spending money on what he considers "unnecessary" things. So, he found a VHS tape he wanted for $1, too. I said, "You can't find it cheaper than that; you should get it" and he insisted that no, he couldn't get it, because spending around $6 would be "too much" and that he hadn't realized I'd wanted that VHS tape collection (as opposed to a single VHS or none at all) so he wasn't going to bother getting himself anything.

 

So, he paid for my stuff, whipping out a $20 bill to pay for $4.75 worth of used items. Meanwhile, I felt bad that I had wanted anything, since apparently $1 was too much for him to attempt to enjoy himself (the same thing had happened when we went out for breakfast at my fave coffee shop: I got an omelet and latte, he got a muffin and brought in his own bottled water to drink).

 

Afterwards, we were going to head out to Wal-Mart, because I needed a spool of ribbon for a craft project (which I found for 50 cents). As we were heading out there, we were on a road where the speed limit is 35 mph. We were behind someone who suddenly stopped in the middle of the road (there is no shoulder) to let someone off at the side of the road. This sudden stop angered my husband, who yelled, 'The middle of the road isn't a parking spot!!' and he quickly punched the gas pedal, the tires squealing as we lurched forward and he sped around the offending vehicle.

 

I asked him why he was unable to pass the car "like a normal person" instead of getting all worked up about it. He said 'What, are you mad at me because I passed the car? The middle of the road isn't the right place to stop.' I said, no, I wasn't mad because he had passed the car, but I was mad at the overly aggressive manner in which he did it, that I found it intimidating to be a passenger when he did that. He said, in a haughty tone, 'Well, excccuuuuussssee me!'

 

A couple of weeks ago, a similar thing happened: We were on the highway going home and were arguing about something (after having gone to marriage counseling earlier) and I said, "Maybe I should just leave!'. He slammed on the brakes and pulled over the shoulder to tell me to 'quit saying that!'. By this time, I was crying and told him to get back on the road and "let's just go home" and he said, 'I don't want you to keep saying that! I know either one of us could leave; that's the easy way out. I want to try and make this work."

 

Another time, we had found out his family was sick with the stomach flu when were going to visit them for Thanksgiving, but instead of canceling and visiting my family (who live right near us), he insisted we take a chance and visit his sick relatives. As I expressed concern on the 2-hour drive there, my husband did the same thing: Slammed on the brakes and pulled over to the shoulder and said, 'So do you want me to just turn around and go home then?' , but in a way that I knew it would be best to say, "No, go ahead, we can go" and so we did (and then got sick by the time we returned home). It was only when he was puking his guts out that he apologized for insisting we go and said, "We should have stayed home."

 

When he gets stressed or upset over something I say, I'll sometimes see him clench his fist and his whole body sort of shakes. One time he was rubbing my back and I felt him suddenly stop and felt the vibration of the barely-concealed anger above me as he clenced his fist. When I've called him out on it, he says, 'You could tell?' like he thought I wouldn't notice. Then he said, "I'm never going to hurt you; you know that, right?'

 

Sorry to make this so long; it's just that I find this behavior troubling and am not sure how much more of it I can take. The thing is, so much of the time he can seem agreeable, friendly, pleasant, just an all-around "nice guy." These flashes of temper don't happen every day or even every month, they're unpredictable. Yet, they seem vastly out of proportion to the issue at hand. He said he grew up watching his older brothers get riled up about things, but it seems both of them have grown out of it, from what I can gather. His dad is in his 70s but has the emotional maturity of a teenager, it seems, so I'm assuming my husband absorbed all of that and considers it "normal." Yet, why is it ok that I, as his wife, bear the brunt of this sort of behavior?

 

He really wants to be a dad (we were thinking of adopting due to my phobia about pregnancy and birth) but if his behavior intimidates me, how would it affect a child? And what good would it be for a child to see their dad react like that to the child's mother? My husband insists he would never show a child his temper, though.

 

Anyway, I wonder if anyone else had experienced behavior like this and if anything ever changes. It seems like my husband is self-absorbed and unwilling to grow up emotionally and just deal with annoyances instead of blowing up about them. He insists, "I just have to let it out sometimes" as justification for his behavior (our counselor told him that, too). He said, 'I'm sorry I can't be a saint like your dad, who never lets anything bother him. Some people just need to let off steam.'

[matt1974]

hi stromssa

 

i was saddened to read your post as your feelings and thoughts are exactly how my wife described how my behaviour made her feel.

 

i was the one with the anger issues and had suffered with this for a number of year with depression.

 

whilst i knew that i was struggling to deal with mundane day to day things, from poor driving, noisy children, unable to open a tincan etc i was blind to it.

 

can i offer you some simple advice, if you feel it is suitable, sit your husband down and let him know how his temper, flare ups and anger issues are of great cause for concern to you and that you feel he needs to seek help in managing these feelings.

 

my wife did this with me, there were young children involved in our marriage as well, and i will always be grateful for her help and support. i sought professional help and my GP and over a period of 2/3 months managed to understand and more importantly manage my anger issues and depression.

 

speaking from the other side, please do not leave this and also leave all your options open. make no promises on your relationship or marriage as your husband needs to control and manage his anger and temper for himself, not for anyone else.

 

it was this this, along with the other selfish acts that caused the breakdown of my own marriage and despite not now knowing what the future may hold for me i will always be eternally grateful for her unstinting support as dealt with my problems, something your husband needs to do and do quickly.

 

i write this completely independently and whilst it may not provide you with the comfort you are seeking it may be a way of helping you both whilst potentially saving your relationship. my wife spent 2 years feeling like she was walking on eggshells with my manic mood swings and fiery temper and whilst i was never physical it must have been absolute hell for her and my children to live with on a daily basis. don't expose yourself to anymore fear, it will break you down.

 

matt

[riverratt]

Nice post Matt.

 

I know a guy that his wife was going through this. He set cameras around and taped her and she didn't know it. He and their kids got her to sit down to talk about it and they showed her the films. It worked. She saw herself in "real life". She got the help she needed and ended up ok.