dontgoogleme Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 If a boyfriend kept saying "we" in reference to him and an ex-girlfriend, is it normal? I even get confused, thinking he means me. He has pictures, even sex videos of them... but the fact his point of reference was her, bothered me. He said I can't change someone's history. Was I too sensitive? How big can the mountain get until you can't call it a molehill?
lydiamarie Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 honey i don't think this is a molehill he has sex videos of the two of them and pictures and he thinks of them as a unit, but not you and him? i don't think it sounds like something easily dealt with-unless you call leaving easy. you deserve better.
faux Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 Originally posted by seaelegans If a boyfriend kept saying "we" in reference to him and an ex-girlfriend, is it normal? I even get confused, thinking he means me. How else would he refer to it? "My ex-girlfriend and I"? "She and I"? "We" falls right in there, and means the same exact thing. If I was going to tell you about how My mother and I went to have dinner last week, and we had coffee for dessert, would that be confusing? How is this confusing? How do you think he means you and him when he says we? If your boyfriend was talking about something involving both him and his ex, the word "we" makes perfect sense to be used. Do you not agree? He has pictures, even sex videos of them... but the fact his point of reference was her, bothered me. He said I can't change someone's history. Was I too sensitive? So what if he has photographs, or sex videos of the both of them? So long as he isn't looking at them while in a relationship with you, I do not see a problem with it. I have photographs of some of my exes, to keep as mementos, but those are locked in a little box, and are just keep-sakes to preserve bits of my past. I, as well, have some erotic videos and photographs including ex-girlfriends, but that's only natural to want to keep those sorts of things; they are part of my past. Of course, looking at these things, or obsessing over them, is not a good sign. I'm only saying that it is fine to keep them in a little chest for memory's sake, to be taken out once in a blue moon. If there are erotic items, then those should not be viewed while in a committed relationship. If your boyfriend came right out and said that yes, he has those things, I don't know what to think. If you asked him if he had any such things, and he told you the truth, then respect his honesty and his right to keep such materials. If you found this while snooping, then there are trust issues which will, or already have begun to, bring about the end of this relationship. How big can the mountain get until you can't call it a molehill? That would depend on how much more unnecessary dirt you plan to throw on top of it, unless there is a great piece missing from your story. If there are much larger parts of your story missing, I think it might do some good to elaborate. From what you've given me, I cannot make much sense of it. If you were to add more, I could give better input. As of now, I have to go the broad route and say that your boyfriend does have a right to keep mementos such as this, and that "we" is in very common use when talking about yourself and other people.
dontgoogleme Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 Well, some examples, not taken out of context: (Driving by Flemings, steakhouse) Him: I remember one time when we went in and everyone stared at us. Me: You never took me to Flemings. Him: Oh, I was talking about her. (Biking) Me: I'm glad you took me biking, I would never have done this myself. Him: Yeah biking is good, that's when we stopped going to the gym. Me: What gym? Him: Oh, I meant her and I. (Cooking) Me: Can you hand me the olive oil? Him: This olive oil we bought in New York plus that cheese is still good after a year! Of course, she took half of it when she moved out. Me: Great to know. (Having Sex) Him: Your p***y looks like my ex's. Me: <suddenly not feeling in the mood> And I said I was okay with the pictures and videos - I didn't expect him to think I was the one, I have no right if we were dating and testing the waters. But he asked me to marry him. I couldn't even take it seriously. I've posted about the marriage question before - we did have deeper issues, but since he asked me why I broke up with him, I brought up this topic about the "we" and he said it had no merit. So I was just wondering in case I meet another jerk.
WB Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 Sea, this is already a small mountain. When someone keeps talking about his ex, especially in everyday conversations like that, it shows he doesn't place you at the same level as his ex. This is the behavior of someone who doesn't care about you. You should tell him your feelings and if he doesn't change, then you are looking at Mt. Everest. Believe me, I've been down that road before. It never ends well.
Max Zoom Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 Max thinks that a gentleman would have returned the sex videos to his ex-girlfriend when they broke up. However, your boyfriend can send the videos to Max instead and Max will see that they are cared for with discretion. Your boyfriend strikes Max as being immature. Max also thinks your boyfriend knows exactly what he is doing when he refers to his ex in a manner that confuses and hurts you.
Mr Spock Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 Originally posted by seaelegans Well, some examples, not taken out of context: (Driving by Flemings, steakhouse) Him: I remember one time when we went in and everyone stared at us. Me: You never took me to Flemings. Him: Oh, I was talking about her. (Biking) Me: I'm glad you took me biking, I would never have done this myself. Him: Yeah biking is good, that's when we stopped going to the gym. Me: What gym? Him: Oh, I meant her and I. (Cooking) Me: Can you hand me the olive oil? Him: This olive oil we bought in New York plus that cheese is still good after a year! Of course, she took half of it when she moved out. Me: Great to know. (Having Sex) Him: Your p***y looks like my ex's. Me: <suddenly not feeling in the mood> And I said I was okay with the pictures and videos - I didn't expect him to think I was the one, I have no right if we were dating and testing the waters. But he asked me to marry him. I couldn't even take it seriously. I've posted about the marriage question before - we did have deeper issues, but since he asked me why I broke up with him, I brought up this topic about the "we" and he said it had no merit. So I was just wondering in case I meet another jerk. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH you just made me laugh Dump him. He's not emotionally involved with you at all. I agree with Max that he knows what he's doing.
savethedrama4allama Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 Umm...yeah. "You're pu**y looks like my ex's"??? A good reply to that one is "your penis is reminiscent of my exes, except half the size." How would he like that? Okay, we all know that our significant others went places and did stuff with their exes, but to bring it up all the time about things as insignificant as olive oil is rediculous. Obviously he is living in the past a bit if he is looking at that bottle of olive oil and thinking of his ex instead of what he is making for dinner with you. And to remark on your danger zone resembling his ex's....that is just wrong. Why would you care to know? Maybe he has something wrong with that filter between brain and mouth which is called inhibition. I don't know what to tell you as far as advice goes, but if you are looking for validation: it is a mountain. Save
Mr Spock Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 Ok, I get it now-you've already broken up with him....good. I'm still chuckling over your post.
dontgoogleme Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 Okay, for those who hate corporate management, who are in corporate management and hate corporate management, i.e. everyone: He says he always uses "we" to instill a sense of teamwork since he has the laborious job of managing people. I said, "We think you're full of sh*t."
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