My affair. ( sorry so long)

[wanting more]

*

I sit and try to go back to the beginning of our R to try and work out in my head how I let myself get as involved as I did.*

I had worked with xMM for 3 years prior to getting involved with him.* We talked daily work wise and got along very well.* He's older than me and it was just a fun, casual work relationship.* The thought never actually crossed my mind to get involved with him.* We traveled together lots of times and there were many nights of going out for a drink after work, sometimes with others co-workers, sometimes alone if we were away.* It was fun.* There wasn't an underlying attraction, there wasn't flirting, it was just fun.* fast forward 3 years and I was supposed to travel with a couple people from work for a big event, at the last minute I couldn't go and while he was there, he started texting me at night,* wish you were here,* wish it could've worked out,* we're all at **** like last time, it'd be so much fun if you were here.* About a month after that, he and I had to travel, but only about an hour and a half away, as we're making plans he asked if I could spend the night so we could do some business calls the next day.* I said yes but never thougth anything more about it.* The day we traveled was a work day but very casual with a customer.* We drank most of the day,* had a business dinner that night and after went to the hotel where there was a bar.* We sat for hours talking and laughing. We decided to go to a different bar and when we got there, it really was just looking at each other, and we kissed.* I know the alcohol played a big part in it (not excuse, just a* part of the how it started)* We went back to the room and had sex for the 1st time.* The next morning wasn't ackward or uncomfortable (would've been better if it had been i know).* we did our work and I came back to the office.*

*

*I don't remember the texts or conversations after that but obviously it escalated between us.* The following week he asked me if I could go away with him and I said yes.* I flew and met him and I remember how excited he looked to me,* we had 2 days together and it was fun and exciting and I know alot people talk about the "fog" but for me it was my fantasy world(I know fog is the same thing but then I liked the idea of my own fantasy world).*

*

He never talked about his life at home except for his kids.* He never said anything bad about his W, whom I had met a couple times at work events but we never really talked at all.* I knew his kids were everything to him, and they had just found out they were expecting their 1st grandchild.* We talked everyday and 1/2 the night.* We'd talk the entire weekend to 12-1 in the morning. (now i do realize how rediculous that was, i'd hate to even add up the hours now that i think about it)**and I guess in the back of my mind*I just figured he and his W weren't that close because like I said, it was hours and hours late into the night.* I can remember probably about a year into the A we went to dinner and*I looked at him and told him I was falling in love with him,* his response was YES!!!!! (and though*I hate to admit how*naive I was, his response just pushed me over the edge*from falling in love to being in love).* We had 2 great years I'll never be able to describe.* A few months after I told him I loved him he told me he loved me.* I was so happy,* he fit in my life so well because it wasn't full time.* I had*so much going on with 3 kids that the in between time was filled with him.* I never thought about his W.* He talked*so much of his kids and grandkids.* I guess I thought I filled the "in-between" time with him like he did me.* I know alot*of people comment on the lies the MM tells the OW about life at home with*his BS but my MM never did,* he never said he loved her,* he never said he didn't love her,* he never said they weren't having sex at home,* I certainly never asked if they were.*

*

I had traveled out of town and made*plans to come back on a*Thursday night and he made sure he was in town and we'd spend the night together.* There were weather issues and*my flight kept getting delayed.* I ended up landing at almost 11 and when i walked to the baggage he was standing there waiting for me.*Well the next Monday he came into work and told me that someone had saw him there,*saw us walk away together and had told BS.* 1st d-day.* He met me a couple days later and told me what he was telling her, he had denied we'd ever had sex to her and just played it off as close friends, he'd drank too much and ended up staying with me that night.* Really far*fetched lies in my eyes but I didn't want him out of my life, he said he didn't want me out of his.**She had sent me a couple emails asking me to verify what he had said about our R and I lied and agreed with him.* I got another one a couple months after where she said he had admited to her we had sex twice.* I never replied and never heard anything from her again.* We had a couple rough months and even one when he told me he couldn't be with me anymore,* he couldn't live the double life,* it was soo hard because we still worked with each other and saw each*other almost daily.* about 4 weeks after that we had to go away for work again.* this is*when things started back between he and I.* obviously it was different, not texting all hours of the night but we were together again.* And as silly as it sounds now, I did feel "special".* I know as he did what he was risking by still being with me.* I've*said before in other posts*that I wasn't thinking*how I was hurting his W,* I just never thought about her.*

*

Time passed and then he got another job,* he texted me all his new info the day he left.* It was strained again between he and I because even thougth its was in the same field it was still different so he had alot of learning to do. I had told him a few times that what we had was not enough for me,* and he'd always do more,* call more,* text more,* see me more and I fell back into the same routine as before.* He asked me to go away for our 3yr whatever.* In my eyes things were good again.* Then 2nd d-day.* Everybody's seen my posts,* he threw me under the bus,* blamed me for everything and has not said a word to me since,* which I do know now is a good thing,* no dragging things out,* and had made me see what he really is,* a POS.* Its also helped me really realize the pain I've caused her.* That guilt I struggle with daily.* I did send her an email that gave specifics about our 3 yr R and i did offer my sincere apology.* I guess the reason for my posts is that yes, I was wrong to be with a MM, yes I knew what I was doing (to an extent as I also know now how naive I was) but I know alot of BS feel the OW throws themselves on MM,* as the BS told me how*I perused him, dangled myself in front of him until as a man he just couldn't say no.* I'm not asking for sympathy, (*I know I don't*deserve any) but I guess just as a FOW,**I fell for his lies.* I wanted to believe I was special to him and he*played it all out so that I wanted more and*more from him.* *

*

*

sorry this was so long,* i guess its kind of my own journeling but also the responses I get from BS and OW have really helped me in my struggle to get over him and try to get past the guilt I have.

*

[frozensprouts]

it sounds like you are owning your role in all of this, so it's a good sign for you , as if you know where things went wrong, you can prevent making the same choices in the future...

 

it sounds like you do have empathy and compassion for his wife, as well as a lot of guilt...from my point of view, you are equally responsible for her pain, look at it this way...you are showing her while lot more care and compassion than he is. you feel bad about what happened and would like to try and make things better...

 

if I remember correctly, you have done what you can to try and make up for your part in her pain...that's a good thing...you've done what you can now it's time to let go and to begin to forgive yourself

 

now you need to allow yourself to move on...show some kindness and compassion towards yourself...be good to yourself and look forward to the time when none of this will really matter anymore...a time when you'll be happy with yourself and maybe even have a new , single man in your life who is devoted only to you

[wanting more]

For your words. I do look forward to one day him not being in my mind

[mercy]

I think it was a great post, wanting more.

Your self worth is not wrapped up in what others think feel or say. And I'm going to keep repeating that till you believe it.

 

Also at some point you are going to have to forgive yourself. You need to be kind to yourself.

 

Have you ever heard of the 5 stages of grief?

 

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross - 5 Stages Of Grief Model | Curious Tendency

 

You are a good kind loving person, believe that. And you deserve forgiveness and love. Love who you are, accept yourself.

[frozensprouts]

For your words. I do look forward to one day him not being in my mind

 

 

you'll get there...even little steps will help-just keep moving forward and you'll end up where you want to be

 

but in the meantime, be kind to yourself- you are worthy of being loved by someone who only has eyes ( and space in his heart) for you

[Furious]

WM

 

I admire the effort, honesty, and reflection you've expressed in your post.

 

I can feel the hurt you're feeling and also the courage you've shown despite it.

 

I'm rooting for you, I want you to find peace and happiness in your future and I believe you will get there.

[BetrayedH]

By my count, that's four BSs here to support you. That should say something to you.

[wanting more]

That says more than you'll ever know. I really do appreciate you all listening to me and your support.

[wanting more]

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Journaling is good, it lets you see where you are, see where you've been and make a road map for where you want to be.

I'm probably very little help but I wanted you to know that I understand the getting in over your head part. Sometimes I'd give anything to be able to go back to that moment before it happened and just undo it... because it's certainly never easy.

I hear it gets easier with time, I think eventually everything becomes the past and you can move on. Babysteps. When things hurt too much, just remember, you can do anything for the next 10 seconds... no matter how much it hurts. Count to 10, then move on. Soon it'll hurt less.

 

Thank you for your words. I always heard about people journaling but just assumed that would keep the hurt present, but I've learned it really does help.

[wanting more]

I'm here for you wanting more and I think you are going to be fine given some time.

 

Do look at the stage of grief link, it will help you understand what is happening to you and that you aren't crazy.

 

I think your post was very insightful and it explains how so many affairs happen.

 

After reading it, it's neither here nor there, but I bet you were not your xmm first affair.

 

 

Hugs........

 

Saying that about not being xMM 1st affair does make me feel better some. I guess because maybe thinking he's experienced in this means that he knew exactly what to saw to keep me wanting him. I always thought I was so special and that he must really love me, I mean who says I love you if you don't really mean it after 3 years. But I now know I was just a game for him. Doesn't make it better, just makes me not as hard on myself because I fell for all his lies. Hope that makes sense.

[LaCurieuse]

My affair started very similarly.

 

We worked together to some extent for three years before anything happened, and although I respected, liked and admired him, I would have never thought or wished for a moment that something would happen between us. He knew I was looking for a job a change and suggested we brainstorm together about possible next steps at a conference we were both travelling to overseas. He is older, "wiser" than me and has been around longer in our industry.

 

We met up at a customer event, had great fun, had a couple drinks, left the place, went to another bar, spoke about my future and career, and ended up at his hotel room. I suppose close, repeat contact at work for an extended period of time allows you to build the blocks of a possible relationship without actually realizing it. The trust, admiration and friendship was already there!

 

I ended up in that situation because I trusted that if he was there with me, then it meant he could be (either divorced, or separated).

 

When he told me he was married a couple of weeks later, I was already head of heels for him. Like you, I chose to ignore the W as I felt like she was for him to deal with, not me. Over time, it got more difficult to feel that way. His wife somehow discovered our A three months into it, but he continued to see me. It got harder for each of us to continue as time went on, as the benefits we got out of it were met with the dark, painful side of the A.

 

We have recently gone NC because a) she wants him to work on their marriage and he feels a huge sense of responsibiility towards her and b) I refused to remain in the background as I believe he cannot truly work on anything while continuing to see me.

 

He just sent me a card in the mail today and a necklace with a heart pendant. He wrote that he thinks about me every hour of every day and that he is sad not to spend my birthday with me...so he is sending me his heart.

 

I cried when I received it today. What in the world am I to make of such a gift?

 

I am sorry to speak about myself on your thread - I just wanted you to know how many of us there are out there with similar stories to tell.

 

An A can throw you into the deepest well of sadness and pain; I think we are lucky here to have virtual hands reaching in and pulling us back to the surface.

 

My thoughts are with you.

[wanting more]

My affair started very similarly.

 

We worked together to some extent for three years before anything happened, and although I respected, liked and admired him, I would have never thought or wished for a moment that something would happen between us. He knew I was looking for a job a change and suggested we brainstorm together about possible next steps at a conference we were both travelling to overseas. He is older, "wiser" than me and has been around longer in our industry.

 

We met up at a customer event, had great fun, had a couple drinks, left the place, went to another bar, spoke about my future and career, and ended up at his hotel room. I suppose close, repeat contact at work for an extended period of time allows you to build the blocks of a possible relationship without actually realizing it. The trust, admiration and friendship was already there!

 

I ended up in that situation because I trusted that if he was there with me, then it meant he could be (either divorced, or separated).

 

When he told me he was married a couple of weeks later, I was already head of heels for him. Like you, I chose to ignore the W as I felt like she was for him to deal with, not me. Over time, it got more difficult to feel that way. His wife somehow discovered our A three months into it, but he continued to see me. It got harder for each of us to continue as time went on, as the benefits we got out of it were met with the dark, painful side of the A.

 

We have recently gone NC because a) she wants him to work on their marriage and he feels a huge sense of responsibiility towards her and b) I refused to remain in the background as I believe he cannot truly work on anything while continuing to see me.

 

He just sent me a card in the mail today and a necklace with a heart pendant. He wrote that he thinks about me every hour of every day and that he is sad not to spend my birthday with me...so he is sending me his heart.

 

I cried when I received it today. What in the world am I to make of such a gift?

 

I am sorry to speak about myself on your thread - I just wanted you to know how many of us there are out there with similar stories to tell.

 

An A can throw you into the deepest well of sadness and pain; I think we are lucky here to have virtual hands reaching in and pulling us back to the surface.

 

My thoughts are with you.

 

 

Thank you. And my thoughts are with you. I couldn't imagine (or maybe I could) how confusing it is to receive a gift.

[wanting more]

Wanting......let's give him the benefit of the doubt for a few minutes.

 

I mean.........really there is no way to know if he was totally playing you and didn't mean a word he said or if he was just a selfish typical arse and got caught up in the affair with you and when he said it and he meant it in that moment.

 

My point..........is, in time you will come to accept that it doesn't matter that much which one is was and truthfully as hard as it now to accept that, some day it really won't matter to YOU.

 

I promise.......it's true. Sweet time, is your best friend.

 

Sweet time!!! You make perfect sense.

[truthbetold]

He just sent me a card in the mail today and a necklace with a heart pendant. He wrote that he thinks about me every hour of every day and that he is sad not to spend my birthday with me...so he is sending me his heart.

 

I cried when I received it today. What in the world am I to make of such a gift?

 

I am sorry to speak about myself on your thread - I just wanted you to know how many of us there are out there with similar stories to tell.

 

An A can throw you into the deepest well of sadness and pain; I think we are lucky here to have virtual hands reaching in and pulling us back to the surface.

 

My thoughts are with you.

 

This seriously pi$$es me off for you. I know you're hurting and I'm sorry you learned this lesson in pain. I hope when the sadness subsides you will be able to harness your anger. From an outside view, he lies about he marital status (by omission still he knew what he was doing, he wanted you to fall into love he manipulated it that way) Now he says he "wishes" he could be there for your birthday but instead you have a cold metal heart trinket (it could be thousands the value isn't important for my reference) to replace having his real heart? You should be insulted. It's arrogance LaCuriese for him to think he can throw money on the problem and hit you where a woman has a soft spot for such tangible things to hold dear. It's cruel and awful to do to you when he knows he can't give you what you need and never should have started in the 1st place. Honestly I think for those 2 transgressions, I wouldn't have him back if I were you no matter the outcome of the marriage. Because it's insulting and you should think of yourself as better and higher than that. I understand there's a whole lot more to what happened between. But he really does come off as a selfish manipulative jerk.

 

Wanting,

 

I'm so sorry for the t/j. I thought your journeling was very heartfelt. Remember that guilt is not to mire you into misery. It's meant to be a motivator. You seem to be well on your way to that journey that will lead you out of the pain. I wish you peace and patience while you heal.

[ThatJustHappened]

WM..you keep thanking other people for their posts, but you deserve to be thanked as well. Thank you for showing everyone here, BSs, OWs, FOWs, and the like that it can be done, and it can be done while maintaining your dignity, sanity, and sense of humor.

 

Break ups are awful, and break ups where more than one other person is involved are even worse no matter what side of things you're on. I hope I don't sound condescending, but you should be proud of yourself for having such strength.

 

Hugs to you.

[heartbroken33]

I too have a similiar story. Once his wife found out I was chopped liver, nothing. useless, a means to an end. they don't ever leave their wives for us and I wanted to think I was "special" to like he told me but the truth is I have noticed things in the last month more and more like this is a pattern with him. Always looking for attention from other women and flirting to the extreme, talking about sex in an inappropriate way to other females (his wife doesn't stop him she let's him get away with murder) etc etc

I will write more later. I feel so used but he swears he didn't use me, that we had an "emotional connection" he never shared with anyone else. I don't know what to believe, however, the last time we talked was about a week ago and he said "I need a break" and he also said a few times "I don't know what the future will hold" whatever the f*ck that means! so I have implemented the NC Rule for now and haven't talked to him since. he also has not reached out to me. I am devastated but also miss him very much.