Do I have double standards or is he being unreasonable?

[kasami2k4]

First off I'd like to say games and the internet are a very big part of our lives. He's addicted and I used to be. We met online, then met irl - that was 7 years ago.

 

Recently my boyfriend of 7 years (and father of my children) became close friends with a girl. Actually.. He called her his best friend. Since then I have been a jealous wreck about this girl. You see, I'm no longer one of those people who think that a man and a woman can become close friends without the sex factor coming in the way. He says he sees her as a sibling or a guy. Things have happened that have made me more jealous of her.

 

I asked him to play a game with me, he turned me down and said he didnt like leveling with people.. then I saw him leveling with her. Of course I reacted with jealousy. Now he says its because I get bored easily and start doing something else. Okay thats fair. Still felt replaced. She started playing with another guy and he got jealous and possessive. I reacted with jealousy again. But the thing is, he's gotten upset in front of me being replaced before by a MALE friend, and hes completely straight.

 

I'm still upset he's possessive of a female who isn't me. He used to talk to her a lot (not type, talk), a few hours every day and sporatic texts throughout the day, called her his best friend, then when I got mad, switched it to sibling. Said he saw her as a guy. I just wasnt comfortable with the situation.

 

I got paranoid, checked his facebook messages, seen stuff like her saying "Hows my buddy? I miss my buddy" and him going "Aww thought I was the only one"

 

I was too jealous. I wanted her gone. He removed her reluctantly. Refused to say goodbye at first, then did when I told him I felt like not saying goodbye meant not a real end. Removed her from facebook, the games they played together. (Dota2, world of warcraft, diablo 3, heroes of newerth)

 

After the kids, I havent felt great about my body. I saw a camwhore on his MSN messenger and flipped out at him.. Turns out it was a bot.

 

Now here's the thing - my boyfriend gets very upset when I talk to a certain guy. I talked to this guy to complain on 3 separate occasions about my boyfriend talking to this girl. I think I did it because I was talking to him to be spiteful and because I felt angry and like I was sharing my boyfriends affection with her.

 

My boyfriend says I have double standards, because I don't want him talking to this girl, but I can talk to this guy. It was 3 short conversations and it was while my boyfriend was still talking to this girl - before he removed her. It's weird, I feel this need to know everyone he knows. He doesnt believe me.

 

He says I do too many things for attention. For example, I put my picture in my avatar usually. Not a **** picture, just my face, no cleavage or anything haha.. I take lots of facebook pictures of myself. Before I met him, I got drunk one night and flashed a bunch of people. I know, sick, unclassy. It was like 8-9 years ago, before I met him. Had a bad breakup at the time. I'm more grown up now.

 

Also I occasionally visit chatrooms at night (because im up with the baby - but btw, the people I flashed were just in random chatrooms too) and talk to a bunch of the same people at once. Usually male, like 70% male. I've agreed since he removed her, no more chatrooms.

 

 

I told him I wouldnt talk to guys anymore and I removed every guy from my facebook. Then when the guy he didnt want me to talk to typed something to me on a GAME, I replied to him, and my boyfriend got upset. The guy didnt private message me just said it outloud. I said fine, whatever, and I blocked him. I told him I would be tempted to reply to him if he asked me something, so better I just not see his messages. My boyfriend got upset and said I shouldn't even be tempted to reply to someone he felt uncomfortable with me talking with, since he couldn't talk to his female friend.

 

He angry I can have male friends but hes angry he can't have this female friend.

 

Thing about my boyfriend, is hes a pretty moral guy. He's stubborn, he loves me to pieces. He tries so hard to relieve my insecurities with everything. He says I just make him more paranoid because I told him, I can only have one very close connection with a man and if I feel a connection with another man, as the connection to the other man grows stronger, the connection to the original man will grow weaker. I was expecting him to say "Hey me too, I see your point!" but I got no such admission. He said he has boundaries and sees her as a man.

 

And yes, during the day, I spend a lot of time with the kids. I'm a stay at home mom waiting for my citizenship. But late at night I am just.. so so tired I don't want to deal with them, especially since I barely sleep at night as is. Trying to fix the babies schedule, she gets like this once in awhile.

 

Here are my questions

 

DO I have a right to be paranoid?

Does he?

Edited September 24, 2012 by kasami2k4

[Ninja'sHusband]

What you are describing does sound a bit excessive to me. If it was only in one game I wouldn't be so worried, but they were hooked up on Facebook.

 

I don't think you should have to remove all guys from facebook, there just shouldn't be this "best friends" kinda thing going on. I don't think you should be confiding in other men about your relationship though. There a big thread earlier how a woman got taken advantage of that way, and it happens a lot.

 

Honestly at first I was wondering if it was even a girl at all, a lot of guys pose as girls online..but since they are on Facebook, that's probably real.

 

Another point, you can't really police him. It's only going to cause more problems. Hopefully he does the right thing, you can tell him what you want, but you can't force him. All you can do is communicate clearly, and walk away if it's something you can't tolerate. It's hard to keep the anger in check, but it's important.

[BetrayedH]

Neither of you have very good boundaries and this kind of interaction with people of the opposite sex is flirting with danger. You are both right to be "paranoid."

 

Get the book, Not Just Friends, and both of you read it.

[kasami2k4]

What really bothers me is he is EAGER to be this girls support pillar. And she always seems to need support.

[BetrayedH]

What really bothers me is he is EAGER to be this girls support pillar. And she always seems to need support.

 

Some guys really want to be a KISA (Knight in Shining Armor). Some women really want to be saved. This is not his job. He is your knight and yours alone. Again, this is a very dangerous boundary to cross and most people are very naive about how easy it is to fall into an affair. It happened to me when my wife got too close to her boss. They had a 13-month affair. Prior to this, she knew nothing about appropriate boundaries and neither did I. We just trusted each other regardless of the setting. Not smart. We did a poor job of safeguardging our marriage. The fact that your man has stumbled into this does not make him a bad person but he has to extricate himself from this pattern or it is just a matter of time before him saving some girl involves giving her an orgasm.

[loveunlimited]

here's rad; how about you both agree to not go gaming on your computers for a whole month and just spend time talking to each other and discussing everything and anything under the sun except her and him? why not invest in one another instead? it might pay off, particularly as your investment includes offspring. jesuschrist alive, get a life - together!

[kasami2k4]

Ouch Betrayed =[ That really hurt at the end. The orgasm thing. He just swears they're just friends. When I freaked out about best friend, he changed it to sibling. I got the book "Just friends" and reading it is making me angry and aggressive. He is refusing to read it at all. he says he trusts himself completely, and since I told him last night

 

"I can only have one very close connection with a man and if I feel a connection with another man, as the connection to the other man grows stronger, the connection to the original man will grow weaker"

 

I threw that on the table. He was hurt.

 

Another note, he became friends with her first, THEN her boyfriend at the time. They broke up and he became her support pillar. Now that hes friends with both he says its a guy boundary and he'd never cross it.

[BetrayedH]

Ouch Betrayed =[ That really hurt at the end. The orgasm thing. He just swears they're just friends. When I freaked out about best friend, he changed it to sibling. I got the book "Just friends" and reading it is making me angry and aggressive. He is refusing to read it at all. he says he trusts himself completely, and since I told him last night

 

"I can only have one very close connection with a man and if I feel a connection with another man, as the connection to the other man grows stronger, the connection to the original man will grow weaker"

 

I threw that on the table. He was hurt.

 

Another note, he became friends with her first, THEN her boyfriend at the time. They broke up and he became her support pillar. Now that hes friends with both he says its a guy boundary and he'd never cross it.

 

Sorry, no hurt intended. I've been on the real end of that one so hopefully you'll forgive a little bitterness on my part.

 

Not sure how you got the book so quickly (I just mentioned it two hours ago) but his refusal to read it is a huge red flag. It's this simple...if reading a book is too much of an investment for him to make towards this relationship, how much more do YOU want to invest in it? I suggest a serious ultimatum that includes ending the relationship if he won't address this issue.

 

The book made me hurt and angry as well. That tells me it's hitting close to home. If he won't establish his own boundaries about what is acceptable ina relationship, I suggest you set your own boundaries about what you are willing to accept in a relationship. Then stick to them.

 

Good luck.

[LuckyLady13]

Do you have a right to be paranoid? It's hard to say from my point of view and I'll tell ya why!

 

My best friend is an avid gamer. WOW, Diablo3, etc and gets so incredibly attached to people he plays games with. He's never bothered to meet any of the people in real life but once in a while these friendships have migrated to talking (obsessively with each other while they're also obsessed with the game) and FB type stuff.

 

Nothing ever really came of any of it.

 

Also, I have plenty of male friends and that's all it is. We're friends. Friends for 12-20 years! No problems ever. We just have stuff in common and get along and talk but our spouses and SO's always come first. That's probably why there's never been any problems.

 

But then there's something that shot right to the forefront of my mind when I first started reading your post that just really got to me! I did have a male friend for 8 years. His new girlfriend got paranoid of our friendship and started questioning it. The guy's own sister stood right up and said "if something was going to happen between these two, it would have already" and "they're like brother and sister". He started saying I was like his sister to his new girlfriend a lot after that. This went on for a few weeks. You would think things are fine being we'd been friends for 8 years already and you'd think his sister was right. I believed her. We were both WRONG!

 

After being with this new girl for a few weeks, he suddenly comes over my house one day out of the blue without her and tries to kiss me, tells me out of nowhere that he's wanted me so bad and all this BS I couldn't believe was coming out of his mouth!

 

When I look back at that and also my current friendships right now, NONE OF US say we're like brother and sister EVER. If you ask me, that's just an excuse to be close to someone and have the people around you be okay with it.

 

If you don't want him being so close to other women though, you do have to step up and do the same. Walk the walk. You can't be talking to a bunch of guys and I agree that you two should take some off time with computers in general (no chat, no games) and spend time with each other building your relationship. It sounds like you guys are distant and on shaky ground right now.

[kasami2k4]

I have a kindle Betrayed. It's available as an ebook. I grabbed it up right off the bat! off an ebooks website. Lucky lady the same thing has happened to me, many times unfortunately. I thought I would just be friends with a guy and then they'd add me to facebook and tell me how much they wanted me in when we were in highschool. Even men in relationships have come forth. I blocked them instantly and I told my boyfriend. He got upset, paranoid, but I think he was grateful I told him.

 

And another thing luckylady.. I have given up chatrooms. I rarely play games anyway. Him though? He's an addict. I'm more the artsy fartsy type.

Edited September 24, 2012 by kasami2k4

[BetrayedH]

Ah, I figured it was a real book since you said something about throwing it on the table. Be careful with that thing!

 

I have a feeling you'll talk him into reading it during a more calm conversation. Good luck.

[kasami2k4]

I didnt mean I threw the book on the table haha, I meant I threw the words on the table that the more emotionally attached you become another man, the more detached you will become with your partner. And thanks everyone, we've been having this problem for a long time.

[loveunlimited]

well dealing with it like I suggested is long overdue then.

[ThatJustHappened]

This doesn't sound like a particularly healthy relationship at the moment. It sounds like you both have reasons to be angry at each other. Perhaps a nice long chat about boundaries and the future is in order.

[kasami2k4]

I agree. Already laid the rules, no more guy friends for me, no more girl friends for him. Our entire relationship he has told me a guy and a girl can't be friends - except for him, because he's an exception. He's full on admitted this is hypocritical of him.

[loveunlimited]

I agree. Already laid the rules, no more guy friends for me, no more girl friends for him. Our entire relationship he has told me a guy and a girl can't be friends - except for him, because he's an exception. He's full on admitted this is hypocritical of him.

This is so immature, it should be perfectly possible for you both to have friends of the opposite sex providing you are both respectful of each other and put one another first. there's no problem in knowing other people, you just have to respect boundaries. Spend more time together as a family; they will soon establish themselves.

[kasami2k4]

Guys listen.. Don't judge. He works a long day every day, he comes home, he's tired so he plays games. I stay at home all day every day with the kids. Games are meant for all ages, and heck, with all the blood splatter everywhere, I'd hardly say they were meant for 14 year olds. While you may disagree with the way he chose to live his life, at least he is not going to bars and getting too drunk to remember the night before. He doesn't even drink. Some people choose to drink on a regular basis while at the same time calling people who play videogames immature. This cracks me up. My boyfriend is a man child, but at least he is not a man slut or a drunk. I was only bothered he formed a close connection with another girl online - even though he finds her entirely unattractive and says she looks like a man.. Which.. I guess she kind of does.

 

Despite her looking very unfeminine I didn't think my boyfriend was a shallow person - in fact I love and admire him so much, it would absolutely DEVASTATE me beyond the point of return (And Ive been cheated on before, which crushed me. First love with his best friend. So him befriending a girl stirs up memories), so I saw her as a threat.

 

Loveunlimited a few years ago, I would have agreed with you. However, I am 28 years old now, and there has not been ONE SINGLE male friend of mine (whom I talked to on a regular basis) who did not eventually come onto me. Not ONE. We need to work on our boundaries. I think you are right about that.

 

Pointers for the ladies. This thread shed some light on male thought pattern for me.

 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/9425245/Mens-friendships-with-women-driven-by-sexual-attraction.html

Edited September 25, 2012 by kasami2k4

[kasami2k4]

Guys listen.. Don't judge. He works a long day every day, he comes home, he's tired so he plays games. I stay at home all day every day with the kids. Games are meant for all ages, and heck, with all the blood splatter everywhere, I'd hardly say they were meant for 14 year olds. While you may disagree with the way he chose to live his life, at least he is not going to bars and getting too drunk to remember the night before. He doesn't even drink. Some people choose to drink on a regular basis while at the same time calling people who play videogames immature. This cracks me up. My boyfriend is a man child, but at least he is not a man slut or a drunk. I was only bothered he formed a close connection with another girl online

[Spectre]

To answer your question yes you are using double standards. You don't like him talking to a girl, so to remedy that you go talk to some guy and you don't see why that wasn't the best move? I don't care why you talked to the other guy, you essentially tried pulling the "do as I say not as I do". That is not something you pull on your spouse, that is something you pull on your children.

 

Seems like you are both hypocrites, I think the problem is though..you gave your bf ammo. Now he can say "well you did it too" and nothing you say really can change that. Saying you only did it because you were upset at him or something is only going to exacerbate the issue even more. Why not choose a female to complain about this to? Especially since any guy you complain to is just going to take your side no matter what even if you are wrong, you know why? Because they want to sleep with you. Now I'm no Nostradamus but let me guess what this other dude said to you: you are right and your boyfriend is all wrong.

 

It also seems weird if you make a habit of being up late at night and talking to a bunch of dudes in chatrooms, and yet you still made an issue over him talking to a female? I don't get it. Should you not practice what you preach? Don't get me wrong, your bf definitely crossed lines, but you didn't help the situation by doing the same thing you are telling him not to do.

 

I will say anyone judging this guy for playing video games needs to stop being so silly. Nothing wrong with playing games, there is no more or less wrong with that then going out bar hopping on weekends, etc. In fact, you'll lose more brain cells bar hopping then you will playing video games. So, that little nonsense way of thinking needs to be nipped in the butt. This is not the 1980's, adults can enjoy video games just as much as anyone else.

 

So in conclusion: for this relationship to work you both have to have a big talk about boundaries. If you aren't going to be friends with members of the opposite sex then STICK to that, don't throw that to the wind once you get upset. He also doesn't get to say he can talk to girls still, even if he acknowledges he is a hypocrite..well, a hypocrite who knows they are a hypocrite is still a hypocrite. I can't say I blame you guys for not wanting each other to have friends of the opposite sex. In a perfect world this would be okay and nothing bad would ever come of it, but this isn't a perfect world..and in reality it is playing with fire. Far too many affairs or one night stands happened between people who were "just friends" for it to ever be a good idea.

 

On this board alone you can go around and you will almost trip over the corpses of all the relationships ruined because one person felt they just HAD to have a "friend" of the opposite sex. I'd say go read topics and take a shot of booze for every topic you find where someone ended up fooling around with a "friend" but I'm afraid anyone doing that would die of alcohol poisoning very quickly.

Edited January 12, 2015 by Spectre

[loveunlimited]

same post as in september 2012...

[Mal78]

Guys listen.. Don't judge. He works a long day every day, he comes home, he's tired so he plays games. I stay at home all day every day with the kids. Games are meant for all ages, and heck, with all the blood splatter everywhere, I'd hardly say they were meant for 14 year olds. While you may disagree with the way he chose to live his life, at least he is not going to bars and getting too drunk to remember the night before. He doesn't even drink. Some people choose to drink on a regular basis while at the same time calling people who play videogames immature. This cracks me up. My boyfriend is a man child, but at least he is not a man slut or a drunk. I was only bothered he formed a close connection with another girl online - even though he finds her entirely unattractive and says she looks like a man.. Which.. I guess she kind of does.

 

Despite her looking very unfeminine I didn't think my boyfriend was a shallow person - in fact I love and admire him so much, it would absolutely DEVASTATE me beyond the point of return (And Ive been cheated on before, which crushed me. First love with his best friend. So him befriending a girl stirs up memories), so I saw her as a threat.

 

Loveunlimited a few years ago, I would have agreed with you. However, I am 28 years old now, and there has not been ONE SINGLE male friend of mine (whom I talked to on a regular basis) who did not eventually come onto me. Not ONE. We need to work on our boundaries. I think you are right about that.

 

Pointers for the ladies. This thread shed some light on male thought pattern for me.

 

Men's friendships with women 'driven by sexual attraction' - Telegraph

 

You used the example of someone who drinks everyday (aka an alcoholic ; addiction) with someone who games, presumably every day (also an addiction). Hence one calling the kettle black.

 

Having friendships of the opposite sex while in a relationship is very much a slippery slope if there isn't clear boundaries and/or trust. My H had a friend/co-worker that I was fully excepting of until he decided to go out for drinks with her alone after work without telling me or inviting me. Her bf was to meet them after he was done work which would make for an innocent scenario and no need to omit telling me the full truth (he said he was meeting up with friends aka her boyfriend). Funny/stupid thing was her bf happened to live across the street from us so when he emerged from his home I was there to meet him to get the "real" scoop. He had no idea what was going on.

 

My H's excuse: I knew you would be angry if I told you the truth...pfft.

 

Fast forward 10 years, this friend/co-worker ended up marrying my H's bff and the have two beautiful daughters together (not the same guy as above discribed). I've become very close with my H's friend (girl) and would now consider us closer than he was with her. I have had the fortune to ask if my H was ever inappropriate or if any lines were crossed or teetered on. She confessed he was playful (shooting elastics at her in the office) and would hang around her desk when he was bored but chats were strictly platonic and I or the kids were often talked about.

 

I don't think either one could maintain a close "couples" friendship if there was more to it. We hang out at least once a week. I trust both wholeheartly.

 

I think if clear boundaries were set, and these "friendships" could be enjoyed inside AND outside the marriage that would be fine. A boundary would be: they are never alone.

 

Another friend of this girl (male) drops by the house during the day when she is home by herself with the kids. Honestly, I feel this is highly inappropriate (he is engaged) but they have been best friends since kids and they share times as couples more time than not. They have dinner all together several times a week. Both partners are ok with this so who am I to judge the boundaries they have set.

 

As for the brother/sister thing...pfft! I've pulled that before in highschool to keep from getting my a $$ kicked from a raging/obsessive ex gf.

 

I'm close to my brothers, don't however speak/chat with them regularly at lengths.

[loveboid]

He sees you talking to guys so he's talking to girls.

 

Doesn't sound to me like there's an emotional connection going either way with you two.

[ArtsAndCrafts]

What I want to know is who is watching the children while you two juveniles play on the computer at all hours? Because clearly all the gaming is the number one priority for both of you. Not your marriage.

[Els]

Guys listen.. Don't judge. He works a long day every day, he comes home, he's tired so he plays games. I stay at home all day every day with the kids. Games are meant for all ages, and heck, with all the blood splatter everywhere, I'd hardly say they were meant for 14 year olds. While you may disagree with the way he chose to live his life, at least he is not going to bars and getting too drunk to remember the night before. He doesn't even drink. Some people choose to drink on a regular basis while at the same time calling people who play videogames immature. This cracks me up. My boyfriend is a man child, but at least he is not a man slut or a drunk. I was only bothered he formed a close connection with another girl online - even though he finds her entirely unattractive and says she looks like a man.. Which.. I guess she kind of does.

 

Despite her looking very unfeminine I didn't think my boyfriend was a shallow person - in fact I love and admire him so much, it would absolutely DEVASTATE me beyond the point of return (And Ive been cheated on before, which crushed me. First love with his best friend. So him befriending a girl stirs up memories), so I saw her as a threat.

 

Loveunlimited a few years ago, I would have agreed with you. However, I am 28 years old now, and there has not been ONE SINGLE male friend of mine (whom I talked to on a regular basis) who did not eventually come onto me. Not ONE. We need to work on our boundaries. I think you are right about that.

 

Pointers for the ladies. This thread shed some light on male thought pattern for me.

 

Men's friendships with women 'driven by sexual attraction' - Telegraph

 

Guys listen.. Don't judge. He works a long day every day, he comes home, he's tired so he plays games. I stay at home all day every day with the kids. Games are meant for all ages, and heck, with all the blood splatter everywhere, I'd hardly say they were meant for 14 year olds. While you may disagree with the way he chose to live his life, at least he is not going to bars and getting too drunk to remember the night before. He doesn't even drink. Some people choose to drink on a regular basis while at the same time calling people who play videogames immature. This cracks me up. My boyfriend is a man child, but at least he is not a man slut or a drunk. I was only bothered he formed a close connection with another girl online

 

Interesting copy-paste from 3 years ago...

 

What was the point of that, OP? Are you still having problems?

[autumnnight]

To answer your question yes you are using double standards. You don't like him talking to a girl, so to remedy that you go talk to some guy and you don't see why that wasn't the best move? I don't care why you talked to the other guy, you essentially tried pulling the "do as I say not as I do". That is not something you pull on your spouse, that is something you pull on your children.

 

Seems like you are both hypocrites, I think the problem is though..you gave your bf ammo. Now he can say "well you did it too" and nothing you say really can change that. Saying you only did it because you were upset at him or something is only going to exacerbate the issue even more. Why not choose a female to complain about this to? Especially since any guy you complain to is just going to take your side no matter what even if you are wrong, you know why? Because they want to sleep with you. Now I'm no Nostradamus but let me guess what this other dude said to you: you are right and your boyfriend is all wrong.

 

It also seems weird if you make a habit of being up late at night and talking to a bunch of dudes in chatrooms, and yet you still made an issue over him talking to a female? I don't get it. Should you not practice what you preach? Don't get me wrong, your bf definitely crossed lines, but you didn't help the situation by doing the same thing you are telling him not to do.

 

I will say anyone judging this guy for playing video games needs to stop being so silly. Nothing wrong with playing games, there is no more or less wrong with that then going out bar hopping on weekends, etc. In fact, you'll lose more brain cells bar hopping then you will playing video games. So, that little nonsense way of thinking needs to be nipped in the butt. This is not the 1980's, adults can enjoy video games just as much as anyone else.

 

So in conclusion: for this relationship to work you both have to have a big talk about boundaries. If you aren't going to be friends with members of the opposite sex then STICK to that, don't throw that to the wind once you get upset. He also doesn't get to say he can talk to girls still, even if he acknowledges he is a hypocrite..well, a hypocrite who knows they are a hypocrite is still a hypocrite. I can't say I blame you guys for not wanting each other to have friends of the opposite sex. In a perfect world this would be okay and nothing bad would ever come of it, but this isn't a perfect world..and in reality it is playing with fire. Far too many affairs or one night stands happened between people who were "just friends" for it to ever be a good idea.

 

On this board alone you can go around and you will almost trip over the corpses of all the relationships ruined because one person felt they just HAD to have a "friend" of the opposite sex. I'd say go read topics and take a shot of booze for every topic you find where someone ended up fooling around with a "friend" but I'm afraid anyone doing that would die of alcohol poisoning very quickly.

 

Did you read all her posts? She doesn't do chatrooms anymore. Or is this yet another one of those "woman" things....