I think I need to date older men.. Young guys are not doing good lately

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

So I think I need to date older men like 28-35 because no guys my age want to actually be in relationships and like i just want a relationship that leads to marriage and babies I don't understand I am 21 you would think by about 22 or 23 after college guys would be wanting to think about babies and marriage and settling down. I used to date guys who were younger like 23 but have children because then you know they like kids and the ones I dated wanted more eventually so it was like being in a family that was already started. Unfortunately none of those relationships worked out the way I hoped. I am not like telling guys I'm with that I want to get married and have babies off the bat but I definitely think that when you say on your dating profile that you are looking for a relationship you should be looking for a relationship not a screw buddy. It's just so complicated to date and it sucks to keep meet guys who want no real commitment. I don't know what to do I mean I know 21 is young to be considering marriage and babies but most people meet their spouse around now and date for a few years then get married and have babies and I am running out of time if I intend on having babies before 30 you know? So maybe an older man will be more settled and ready but can I find attractive respectable men who are in their 30s and would want to be with a relationship.

Edited September 24, 2012 by ImperfectionisBeauty

[Mme. Chaucer]

Unfortunately none of those relationships worked out the way I hoped.

 

You mean like that one yesterday with the guy you "kinda like" who was mad because you didn't go to a by-the-hour hotel to get some penis complements of him?

 

Doesn't sound like you are quite what a relationship-minded man of any age would be looking for.

[suladas]

I wouldn't date older men just for that reason. I'm 23 and looking for somewhat the same, but at the same time i'm not looking to get married or have kids anytime soon. Yes i'm looking for something long term but if I have kids before 30 i'd be surprised because i'm not even close to ready for that. There is younger men looking for that, but at the same time if you are saying you want marriage and babies bad it's going to push most guys away.

[carhill]

In my demographic (age/geography/society), most women were married and had a couple of kids by the time they were 21. That was what, two generations ago at most. So, your perspective has some traction in history. OTOH, my mom didn't have me until she was 37 (first child for her) and that was in the 1950's. So, anything is possible. It was common to date and marry older men a few generations ago; perhaps not so much now. Back then it was more for security, as an older man was more established socially and financially and could provide for a growing family. With inroads in job equality for women, that's less of an issue now, so dating an older man is a choice; since you're young and unattached, give it a try and see how it goes. I would recommend, if dating leads to 'what if' like cohabiting or getting married, scrutinizing the man's relationship/marital history as well as his family history, as part of the 'getting to know' process. Older men are more practiced with the nuances of romancing women and diverting attention from important information for making healthy relationship decisions. Good luck.

[Mme. Chaucer]

OP - joking aside, and ignoring the fact that I think you might be here mostly to bait for reactions;

 

You need to be what you want to attract. If you are like you represent yourself here, you are not going to attract any men who want to have a healthy and nurturing serious relationship. You are going to attract men who are more like the way you come off in your posts. And those are not "relationship" guys.

 

So, work on yourself if you want something good with another person. You'll have to learn that it's just as much about what you have to give as what you are grabbing grabbily at.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

OP - joking aside, and ignoring the fact that I think you might be here mostly to bait for reactions;

 

You need to be what you want to attract. If you are like you represent yourself here, you are not going to attract any men who want to have a healthy and nurturing serious relationship. You are going to attract men who are more like the way you come off in your posts. And those are not "relationship" guys.

 

So, work on yourself if you want something good with another person. You'll have to learn that it's just as much about what you have to give as what you are grabbing grabbily at.

 

I only hook up because like I have no other options its easier to take something than nothing at all you know? But what do I need to do?? I am getting a degree and then I'll get a job right after so then will I be ready? I don't understand what I need to do like I know so many bums who have relationships and kids and I don't want to be a bum but I mean I will if it gets me a man and kids I don't care I'll do anything

[KathyM]

There are some young men who are commitment-minded, but they tend to be emotionally mature for their age and are looking for women who are that as well. I think, based on your posts, you are not ready for that kind of commitment and have some emotional maturing to do before you are ready. Marriage and children are a major life-long commitment and should only be undertaken when you have the emotional maturity to deal with the ups and downs that those relationships entail. You are only 21. There's no rush at this point. Work on developing yourself and working out any issues that may hinder you in those relationships BEFORE you try to engage in them. Men in their 30s are not a good plan for you. When there is that much of an age gap, the older man tends to treat the younger woman as not an equal relationship partner, but rather someone they can dominate and control.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I only hook up because like I have no other options its easier to take something than nothing at all you know? But what do I need to do?? I am getting a degree and then I'll get a job right after so then will I be ready? I don't understand what I need to do like I know so many bums who have relationships and kids and I don't want to be a bum but I mean I will if it gets me a man and kids I don't care I'll do anything

 

When you write posts like this … I can not even take you seriously.

 

Good for you for going to school, seriously, and for having a work ethic. But a person who really wants a relationship but who will evidently "hook up" with anybody who has the right equipment, or a person who would MARRY and HAVE KIDS with absolutely ANYONE who would go there?

 

Who would choose to be with somebody like that?

 

So, if you want to have a relationship and raise children (I pray that nothing like this happens before, maybe, 15 years from now) then don't be like that.

 

If you want to have a wild life of casual sex, I don't think there is anything wrong with doing so, but at least TRY to use some type of selection process.

[SJC2008]

Part of the reason the divorce rate being so high is people getting married so young. Another reason IMO it's high is because people are casual about marriage and may even go into not sure or knowing divorce is an option. They don't say till death do us part for no reason. It's the ultimate commitment and both partners need to go into it realizing that and must be willing to work through the lows. If I were you I wouldn't date for marriage untill 24. The older you are when you first get married the better chance you have at success. Learn what you want and need in a relationship and what you bring to the table in a relationship. You're too young to be worried about this now.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

When you write posts like this … I can not even take you seriously.

 

Good for you for going to school, seriously, and for having a work ethic. But a person who really wants a relationship but who will evidently "hook up" with anybody who has the right equipment, or a person who would MARRY and HAVE KIDS with absolutely ANYONE who would go there?

 

Who would choose to be with somebody like that?

 

So, if you want to have a relationship and raise children (I pray that nothing like this happens before, maybe, 15 years from now) then don't be like that.

 

If you want to have a wild life of casual sex, I don't think there is anything wrong with doing so, but at least TRY to use some type of selection process.

I realized after I posted it how if came off.. Pathetic AF lol but I am kind of choosy. I met this guy in pof and he was 28 and divorced and had 3 kids (and herpes.. He told me) and I didn't date or sleep with him I told him I was kind of young to deal with so much. I don't want casual sex I want sex in a relationship it's just hard because its not happening fast and I am getting desperate. My therapist said that I am not in a desperate position though that I'm just making myself desperate. 15 years from now ill be 36 that isn't the youngest to just be starting a family.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You need to be mature to start a family (well, you SHOULD need to be) and that comes at different ages for different people.

 

You seem like you really only care about instant gratification, when it gets down to how you're functioning. That is not a place to be when bringing children into the world, if you can help it.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

You need to be mature to start a family (well, you SHOULD need to be) and that comes at different ages for different people.

 

You seem like you really only care about instant gratification, when it gets down to how you're functioning. That is not a place to be when bringing children into the world, if you can help it.

 

I have 2 more questions and then I don't ask you more I promise. How do I stop needing to be instantly gratified and do you have kids? Did you have them young? Sorry that's 3

[MrCastle]

I don't understand I am 21 you would think by about 22 or 23 after college guys would be wanting to think about babies and marriage and settling down.

 

LOL what?!?! I'm 24 and I'm not even looking for a girlfriend

[CarrieT]

My therapist said that I am not in a desperate position though that I'm just making myself desperate.

Listen to your therapist.

 

I've posted it often enough in your threads = you ARE coming across as desperate and needy and no one is going to want to be in a relationship with someone like that.

 

How do I stop needing to be instantly gratified?

Start focusing on other things and not your horniness. Redirect your sexual energies towards your health, your grades, and learning more about the world and your inner being.

 

I have mentioned this before and I was EXACTLY LIKE YOU at your age. I was so desperate for a relationship that I married the first guy who said the "L" word when I was just turning 21. There is so much learning and growing and maturing to do in the next decade and there is no reason you need to start procreating before you are 30.

 

Relax. Enjoy life. Breathe a little and think about what you have = relish in that and it will be easier to attract someone.

[CaptJay]

There is so much learning and growing and maturing to do in the next decade and there is no reason you need to start procreating before you are 30.

 

Relax. Enjoy life. Breathe a little and think about what you have = relish in that and it will be easier to attract someone.

 

Hey OP, are you well-traveled? Have you gotten out of the country while still being young and unattached? Do you like the arts and culture? Do you like lots of different types of (international) foods? Or are you a picky eater?

 

Also, what are you studying and getting your degree in?

 

I promise these questions are going somewhere...!

 

cj

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Hey OP, are you well-traveled? Have you gotten out of the country while still being young and unattached? Do you like the arts and culture? Do you like lots of different types of (international) foods? Or are you a picky eater?

 

Also, what are you studying and getting your degree in?

 

I promise these questions are going somewhere...!

 

cj

 

I am from Ohio and I have been to a few other states but not a lot. When I graduate I want to move to North Carolina though. I have never been out of the country. I don't know a lot about arts or culture, I would be interested but I have no idea how to like learn more about them so its not like a huge deal I guess. I have never been out of the country so I don't know how I feel about international food I like food I have eaten in American restaurants like Olive Garden and chipotle and stuff so if Italy is like Olive Garden perfect! I'm not a super picky eater I will try any thing once. And I am a senior graduating in May and I'm a justice studies major and pre law minor. I had the intent of going to law school and I will but I want to experience life before I go.

[CaptJay]

And I am a senior graduating in May and I'm a justice studies major and pre law minor. I had the intent of going to law school and I will but I want to experience life before I go.

 

Nothing but creative and respectful criticism here... I feel that you would benefit from "experiencing life before you get married and have kids," even more so than doing it as a precursor for Law School. I think you would find many rewards in adopting a more "worldly" perspective on life.

 

The world is an amazing place and one that is perfect for your age and status in college (about to graduate), and for so many reasons that I can't even touch on here.

 

When one throws on a back-back and travels the world, they are thrust into exciting and remarkable situations than the everyday life you've seen in the couple of US states that you've been to. Going abroad completely changes your perspective on life and the world, both internally and externally. Please don't take offense - I don't think most 21-year olds are that worldly.

 

However, most 21-year olds are not out to get married and have kids right away and choose to explore before moving to grad school and marriage. This will bring you face-to-face with different customs, cultures, social expectations, the arts, etc, etc. When you bring these experiences home with you, you will have a changed worldview and probably more self-confidence.

 

I suggest googling travel web sites (lonely planet, etc.) and look into "dream trips" to areas that you would like to experience, like Europe, parts of Asia, etc. There are tons of sections where they cater to budget trips for those in/just out of college.

 

You need to experience culture and adventure before settling down. It will help you more than I can explain.

 

cj

[Mme. Chaucer]

I have 2 more questions and then I don't ask you more I promise. How do I stop needing to be instantly gratified and do you have kids? Did you have them young? Sorry that's 3

 

You don't really need to be instantly gratified. You want to be. Just get some good self discipline and boundaries, which I am sure your therapist can help you with.

 

What got you in to therapy in the first place? Do you have issues with impulse control in general?

 

I had my only child when I was 31. She is 25 now.

 

I want to say this to you, if you are really the way you come off here:

 

You need to learn how to look and walk in the direction you want to go.

 

If you want a relationship, you need to just stop with the "I need penis" stuff. I think it's fine if you want to get laid for fun, but if you are going towards that and putting energy towards making that happen, you are NOT going towards a relationship. You are simply going towards guys who are looking for pussy. Which is just right, when both people are looking for the same thing.

 

If you do not know what you want, SLOW DOWN. You sound like you are always about to make a terrible choice with regards to your sexual life. Engaged guy? Scumbag in motel? All of this in a couple of weeks?

 

Chill OUT.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

You don't really need to be instantly gratified. You want to be. Just get some good self discipline and boundaries, which I am sure your therapist can help you with.

 

What got you in to therapy in the first place? Do you have issues with impulse control in general?

 

I had my only child when I was 31. She is 25 now.

 

I want to say this to you, if you are really the way you come off here:

 

You need to learn how to look and walk in the direction you want to go.

 

If you want a relationship, you need to just stop with the "I need penis" stuff. I think it's fine if you want to get laid for fun, but if you are going towards that and putting energy towards making that happen, you are NOT going towards a relationship. You are simply going towards guys who are looking for pussy. Which is just right, when both people are looking for the same thing.

 

If you do not know what you want, SLOW DOWN. You sound like you are always about to make a terrible choice with regards to your sexual life. Engaged guy? Scumbag in motel? All of this in a couple of weeks?

 

Chill OUT.

 

I ended up in therapy when I was 19 after a "break up" it wasn't really a break up because we weren't together, he had a girlfriend who I thought if I did sexual stuff with him he would leave her for me (I know.. I know) so I ended up messing around with him (oral but not real sex) and I really liked him, then his girlfriend found out and it was an absolute disaster. And he just said horrible stuff about me and idk I was super hurt by the whole thing. It's dumb looking back now but I was so depressed like I couldn't eat or sleep and I was a mess so I went to therapy and I was better for a while so I stopped going then the second time I was just sad after I lost my virginity, I felt like I was losing control I had sex with 3 guys in like 4 months and I just didn't feel good about myself so I went and I thought I was ok I met Kyle who is the ex I refer to all the time and he was absolutely perfect for me and I was super happy. He broke up with me in early August and I couldn't handle it, I wasn't like suicidal or anything, but I just was super depressed like I cried all day everyday and it has just taken me so long to get over him, we were only together like a month and a half but it was the first like relationship I have ever had and he treated me so well. So it's so hard to get over so I just went because I needed help. Then I started talking to any and every guy who would give me attention and it just sucks like I'm just not in a good place... It sounds dumb but I just am not.