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Posted

Basically before everyone goes off on one at me here is what happened. My ex turned up at my house, I told him not to but he did we had a huge argument and I ended up in such a state. Anyway, after I had calmed down I was about to go he gave me a hug to say goodbye but he then started kissing my neck I let him carry on for like 20 seconds I guess and en he tried to touch my chest and this is when I pulled away. Immediately I burst into tears and pretty much haven't stopped crying since. I feel so guilty. My boyfriend is so perfect I know he'd never do this to me and I can't believe I've even done it :(. <br />

I told my boyfriend the bare bones of what had happened that he'd kissed my neck and everything but not how long I let him carry on for before I stopped him. But it's tearing me up I can't deal with it I feel so guilty. I know I've done so wrong so please do not give me abuse for that. I don't know what to do. I'm so scared :(

Posted

Well, if that's what happened, then it's not that bad and at least you had sense enough to put a stop to it.

 

The good news is that you told your boyfriend what happened, which is a plus for you. If he found out through a third party, things wouldn't have been very good for you. How did your boyfriend react to the news?

  • Author
Posted
Well, if that's what happened, then it's not that bad and at least you had sense enough to put a stop to it.

 

The good news is that you told your boyfriend what happened, which is a plus for you. If he found out through a third party, things wouldn't have been very good for you. How did your boyfriend react to the news?

 

He was okay about it. I think he was a little angry but didn't show it and tried to be there for me as much as possible as I got upset although I know it should have been the other way around. I still feel guilty as I haven't told him the exact whole truth though :(

Posted

OP, what's done is done. You've disclosed. It is enough. Now, what are you going to do to safeguard your relationship from further incidents like this?

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Posted

obviously you should quit talking to ex!

  • Like 1
Posted

OP, let's use the incident related first as an example. You told your ex not to show up at your house and he did not respect your wishes. You admitted him, apparently, and a huge argument ensued. Now, what will you do differently next time?

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Posted
OP, let's use the incident related first as an example. You told your ex not to show up at your house and he did not respect your wishes. You admitted him, apparently, and a huge argument ensued. Now, what will you do differently next time?

 

I wouldn't let it happen again I know I wouldn't I can't deal with the guilt. But I'm going to cut all contact with him as I promised my boyfriend.

  • Like 1
Posted

So, if he shows up at your door and rings the bell, knocks, shouts, makes a scene, whatever, what will you do?

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Posted

Tell him to get lost, I seriously have learnt. After what happened I don't want him anywhere near me ever again.

Posted

The fact that you voluntarily disclosed this to your BF is huge. When looking at marriage statistics (I understand that you're not married), it double the chances of reconciling. You have set yourself up for success.

 

Personally, I think you have probably confessed enough to convey that you let your ex go where he shouldn't have and then ended it. I probably wouldn't go further at this point if he thinks he knows enough. However, you must understand that the biggest problem is your BF not being sure if he can trust you. Lying after cheating is the biggest killer. If he asks about this again, give him every detail he asks for, no matter how much you want to "protect him." That's just protecting yourself. Being honest and vulnerable is your best bet to keeping your relationship.

Posted

Well, if you learned your lesson and your boyfriend means the world to you, then you're going to have to do the heavy lifting in this relationship for a while. You need to prove to him that this was an isolated incident and it will never be repeated.

 

This isn't over, you're boyfriend is kinda in shock right now. Be prepared for the worst to come out of him. He may have some questions for you when the dust settles. Answer them honestly and truthfully. If he finds out a piece of information that you didn't tell him, it will be like D-day all over again. So, be honest. I think you might be at the calm before the storm. It's up to you whether you can see yourself getting through to the other side.

  • Like 1
Posted
Tell him to get lost, I seriously have learnt. After what happened I don't want him anywhere near me ever again.

OK, that's good. Have you blocked his ability to call/text you? If not, now would be a great time to implement your new perspective on this issue. This simultaneously assists with transparency wrt your new boyfriend, potentially assuaging any feelings of betrayal he might experience. Ask his input on this. Deal with it as a team. No more ex. You said it here. Good luck :)

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Posted

You had the strength to pull away when things were starting to get sexual (and the time when most people fall)

 

I congratulate you. You're an honorable woman.

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Posted
I don't know what to do. I'm so scared :(

 

Let your bf make the decision. If he is smart, he will leave you.

 

But to make sure he makes an informed decision, you have to tell him that you let it go on, because otherwise you leave him thinking it was an unwanted pass by your X and that you weren't at all receptive to it. You were receptive to it.

 

Tell your bf the ENTIRE truth, then let him make the decision on whether he wants to go on with someone that would do that to him.

Posted
Well, if that's what happened, then it's not that bad and at least you had sense enough to put a stop to it.

 

The good news is that you told your boyfriend what happened, which is a plus for you.

 

Not really. She watered it down. She made it sound as if she didn't want his advance. She let it go on and wanted it, just put a stop to it later. The way she put it, makes it look like he tried, and she immediately resisted. She didn't.

Posted
Not really. She watered it down. She made it sound as if she didn't want his advance. She let it go on and wanted it, just put a stop to it later. The way she put it, makes it look like he tried, and she immediately resisted. She didn't.

 

 

 

Stop being so negative. It does not mean the worst; that she still lieks her ex a lot, there is a chance she will get back with him, and cannot control herself.

 

I know what she did is terrible. But so does she.

 

You know - even if as person is really into someone, ex'es can evoke certain feelings. The feelings you once shared for one another, coupled with the factor of sex with the sex, which cabn he really hot and a big turn on to think about - can easily cause a girl in a new relationship to make a bad desicion.

I do not believe people in long term relationships could be seriously in love with and into their partner, and cheat. Not at all.

I am saying that early on in a relationship, it is posible for a girl to be really into a new guy, and for an ex to stir up old feelings and well, make ou horny....

 

She sounds young, in a new relationship, and her ex came around, the thought of the past amd him making her horny lead to a big mistake.

  • Like 2
Posted

OP, your worst problem now is not that you didn't give full disclosure.

 

Your problem now, is that you're beating yourself up about it.

 

Goodness knows what you'd be doing if you'd let him stray further south...:rolleyes:

 

If you read the infidelity threads, you'll see a whole lot more goes on for some.

you will also see in the OW/OM threads, that people are continuing with affairs outside their marriages.

 

I'm neither criticising nor judging the people in those forums.

What I AM saying, is that you're beating yourself up excessively for the 'degree of the crime'.

So you withheld? So I think you must have your reasons. Softening the blow? No doubt. preventing a more severe reaction/fall-out from your BF? For sure.

 

Ok.

 

Tell you what - don't do it again.

 

From now on, from this second, be candid, be honest, be loving.

Don't guilt-love your current BF. Make sure you love him because you love him - but quit with the sack-cloth and ashes. It really isn't productive, constructive or helpful.

 

By all means, regret.

By all means, show remorse.

 

But quit the guilt trip.

In the end, it benefits no-one.

Posted

If he had gone " further south" I would be inclined to say that she should leave the relationship. It would be truly hard to get over that once it happened, even if it was new, and she could genuinely grow to trul love him later on. The image would always be there for him, and wh have to face that for the rest of his relationship with her, when he could cut his losses now and find a girl where he would not always have that feeling of dread fromk the past looming...

 

Because he only kissed your neck, okay. Your labido and " feelings" took over, and the daring, sponteneous and very hedonistic side of you came out.

My good friend has a long term boyfriend and the are VERY serious; absolutely boung together, the strongest couple I have ever seen.

Yet, a guy really liked her, and he kissed her once. She kissed him back for a few seconds then stopped. She was totally mortified. She is head over heals in love with her boyfriend of two years.

People make mistakes when they are really in love, but I do not think people who are in loe to the deapest level possible, would be able to go the whole way with a person, whilst cheating on a partner...

 

My opinion:

 

-kissing and maybe a quick feel - forgivable, and ca be done b a person even if they are in the deapest of love. If there alcohol involved!! If not - this statement does not hold true. Sober kissing is... as bad as the next thing:

 

- More than kissing, and even kissing when sober, to me, are deal breakers. I am not sure if people in the deapest of love can do that to a partner they truly cherish and love dearly. Because I am not sure, I would leave, rather than have doubt for the remaining of our time together.

Posted
Basically before everyone goes off on one at me here is what happened. My ex turned up at my house, I told him not to but he did we had a huge argument and I ended up in such a state. Anyway, after I had calmed down I was about to go he gave me a hug to say goodbye but he then started kissing my neck I let him carry on for like 20 seconds I guess and en he tried to touch my chest and this is when I pulled away. Immediately I burst into tears and pretty much haven't stopped crying since. I feel so guilty. My boyfriend is so perfect I know he'd never do this to me and I can't believe I've even done it :(. <br />

I told my boyfriend the bare bones of what had happened that he'd kissed my neck and everything but not how long I let him carry on for before I stopped him. But it's tearing me up I can't deal with it I feel so guilty. I know I've done so wrong so please do not give me abuse for that. I don't know what to do. I'm so scared :(

 

Don't let your ex in your house anymore!!!

 

As for your guilt, you told your boyfriend. Good. Now let it go. Just don't let it happen again.

 

Your boyfriend sounds very understanding and as long as it doesn't happen again, don't make it into a big deal.

 

So, when guilt comes to your mind, just say "I won't let that happen again." and don't let it happen again.

 

It's ok. :) Don't be scared. Hugs. Instead of being scared, be confident that you did the right thing in stopping it and that you won't cheat anymore, k?

Posted
Your labido and " feelings" took over,

 

Leigh 87, I have to laugh... is this a cross between labia and libido?

 

If it is, it's a very good cross, because when women are aroused, we do get feelings of 'swelling' and engorgement "down south", so it maybe should be called 'labido'....

I'm just kiddin' with ya.... ;)

Posted
Stop being so negative. It does not mean the worst; that she still lieks her ex a lot, there is a chance she will get back with him, and cannot control herself.

 

I know what she did is terrible. But so does she.

 

Not saying what she did was the worst, but if she isn't going to be honest with her bf about what happened, then she doesn't deserve to have him.

 

I'm simply saying she needs to tell him the complete truth and not lie about what happened. She did lie, although not to an extreme. If she is to deserve any forgiveness, she needs to be completely honest.

 

 

You know - even if as person is really into someone, ex'es can evoke certain feelings.

 

So basically that has to be her bf's problem and he should just accept that?

Posted

I think on some level the OP knew what was happening, she knew things could go far like that, she had to know on some level that she knew what the deal was, and as soon as it was happening, she found herself in a familiar place and she was loving every second of it even though she would never admit it but the only reason why she would feel guilty about it now is because she knew this would come out sooner or later

  • Author
Posted
I think on some level the OP knew what was happening, she knew things could go far like that, she had to know on some level that she knew what the deal was, and as soon as it was happening, she found herself in a familiar place and she was loving every second of it even though she would never admit it but the only reason why she would feel guilty about it now is because she knew this would come out sooner or later

 

If I was loving every second of it would i have stopped it? No I would have carried on wouldn't I? The only reason it's come out is because I've brought it out, it hasn't come from anyone apart from me. If that was the case I wouldn't have burst into tears straight away.

Posted
Not saying what she did was the worst, but if she isn't going to be honest with her bf about what happened, then she doesn't deserve to have him.

 

I'm simply saying she needs to tell him the complete truth and not lie about what happened. She did lie, although not to an extreme. If she is to deserve any forgiveness, she needs to be completely honest.

So you've never committed a misdemeanour like maybe parking on a yellow line, or in a no-waiting zone, or taken a pen from work, or eaten the last biscuit knowing someone else would love one.... we've all sometimes tun the risk with something minor, but I doubt it's given us lingering anxiety or huge pangs of guilt. What the OP has done is the emotional equivalent of the above, but she's feeling guilty. Give her a break.... who came slapping your hand when you confessed you'd parked in the mother and toddler parking space or worse the disabled bay, just to run in for something quick?

 

 

So basically that has to be her bf's problem and he should just accept that?

Would you go to the cops and volunteer your parking misdemeanours, or the fact you might have jumped the amber, or cut someone up on the freeway, or have been speeding?

I really doubt it.

Why not? because there are some times when it's just a better policy to shut the hell up.

Posted
So you've never committed a misdemeanour like maybe parking on a yellow line

 

No

 

 

or in a no-waiting zone

 

No

 

or taken a pen from work

 

 

Sure, but they don't care unless I'm taking them in bulk and selling them or something. Lets get real here.

 

 

, or eaten the last biscuit knowing someone else would love one

 

What does that have to do with betraying someone? Nothing.

 

 

.... we've all sometimes tun the risk with something minor, but I doubt it's given us lingering anxiety or huge pangs of guilt. What the OP has done is the emotional equivalent of the above, but she's feeling guilty. Give her a break.... who came slapping your hand when you confessed you'd parked in the mother and toddler parking space or worse the disabled bay, just to run in for something quick?

 

Nobody, cuz I never did it.

 

Would you go to the cops and volunteer your parking misdemeanours, or the fact you might have jumped the amber, or cut someone up on the freeway, or have been speeding?

I really doubt it.

 

If I had committed a misdemeanor, then you are correct. But I don't have a relationship with the police and don't want to spend my life with them.

 

because there are some times when it's just a better policy to shut the hell up.

 

Sure, with regards to silly things like accidents or misdemeanors.

 

Again, relationships are different. If you are going to lie, or keep things from a partner so they don't leave you, then you shouldn't be in a relationship.

 

She should tell him the truth and let him decide. She may be pleasantly surprised and he will forgive her just the same as with her watered down damage control version.

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