boer Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 (edited) Short version - I lied about finances for 5 years, she responded by cheating, now I'm ready to move on, she isn't. Long version I am a 35 yr old South African male living in the States. I came here for grad school 10 years ago. About 8 years ago, I met my wife through school, who is from Australia and is a couple of years older than me. We had lots in common, our love for cricket, traveling to Asia, etc. After dating for 3 years, when we were both almost done with grad school, I proposed to her and she accepted. Although she really wanted to go back home, I wanted to stay here for my career and she grudgingly accepted although she always resented me for it. Early on in our relationship, without getting into too much detail, I started some business dealings without informing her and over time, it got out of hand. Fast forward a few years, after many ups and downs with the business, I finally decided to come clean about a year and a half ago. I had accumulated some significant debt that I had to pay back. As we had always had separate finances, I ensured that she had no exposure and I took full responsibility for it. I took on many small jobs in addition to my main job to pay things off. In addition, because of the immense guilt I had been feeling because I was living this lie, our relationship had suffered over the years. This was made worse because she is a workaholic, who works at a high pressure consulting firm - long hours, weekends, crazy business trips,etc. After some counseling, we agreed to work towards having a kid (I know - terrible idea right?) but luckily, we haven't yet. At some point at the beginning of this year, she suddenly started acting really strange and distant and after a couple of months of confusion, I snooped and found out that she was having an affair with a coworker. They frequently travel to New York on business and apparently, they had hooked up several times. She swore it was over, but was never really comfortable in making an effort to make me feel better. I think she still has a lot of anger towards my betrayal and was too proud to grovel. After a couple of months of anguish, coupled with some unsatisfying joint counseling sessions, I found myself detaching emotionally from her. I also started rebuilding my social life and began meeting a lot of people, got back into playing soccer and started feeling happy. I finally told her that I wanted to separate and she was not happy, but she didnt say much. But, about two weeks, when I was about to sign a lease on an apartment, she freaked out and started accusing me of never caring, of me being totally selfish and that she still loved me, etc. This really shook me up and although I haven't said much (I barely talk to her these days), I've been really torn apart and really conflicted. Any advice? Edited September 24, 2012 by boer clarify that we don't have a kid.
CarrieT Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I had accumulated some significant debt that I had to pay back. As we had always had separate finances, I ensured that she had no exposure and I took full responsibility for it. Depending on the state you live in, she could have some responsibility because of community property laws. When I got divorced, I was responsibility for almost $200k of my husband's debt even though we had separate financed because he accumulated that debt during our marriage.
Author boer Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 Depending on the state you live in, she could have some responsibility because of community property laws. When I got divorced, I was responsibility for almost $200k of my husband's debt even though we had separate financed because he accumulated that debt during our marriage. Thank you. We don't live in a community property state and I ensured that I paid off the institutional debt with funds borrowed from several relatives. So, my obligations are not public.
BetrayedH Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 You seem pretty decided about moving on. Is her recent hesitation making you question that decision? Recovering from infidelity takes an enormous amount of work. It can be done but so far she seems to have just swept it under the rug. She would have to do a complete 180 from what she has been doing. Does it seem like she is ready to fight for your marriage? If so, you might consider giving it a chance. Losing their spouse is frequently the only thing that brings a wayward back. It forces them to deal with the reality of their choice. Up until now, she's been able to avoid her consequences. That's no way to heal. She learns nothing about herself that would change her approach the next time she builds up resentment for you and you never heal because you have no security that anything has changed with her.
Author boer Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 You seem pretty decided about moving on. Is her recent hesitation making you question that decision? Recovering from infidelity takes an enormous amount of work. It can be done but so far she seems to have just swept it under the rug. She would have to do a complete 180 from what she has been doing. Does it seem like she is ready to fight for your marriage? If so, you might consider giving it a chance. Losing their spouse is frequently the only thing that brings a wayward back. It forces them to deal with the reality of their choice. Up until now, she's been able to avoid her consequences. That's no way to heal. She learns nothing about herself that would change her approach the next time she builds up resentment for you and you never heal because you have no security that anything has changed with her. You have read my situation quite well. I'm questioning my decision based on the emotional cards she's playing right now, plus the fact that she also has depression issues that have made her an emotional wreck, especially in the aftermath of the affair. Based on my own reaction to my mistakes, I have some empathy for what she is going through currently. I know how it feels to fail at living up to your own core values of honesty and betray the trust of someone close to you. On the other hand, even though she says she loves me, I don't feel very appreciated. I don't think she feels the passion towards me the way she felt about this married POSOM during her affair. We've never had a very intense physical relationship, except maybe at the very beginning and that too was pretty vanilla. This woman who has never ever talked dirty with me was sexting this guy (no pictures, just text).
BetrayedH Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 You have read my situation quite well. I'm questioning my decision based on the emotional cards she's playing right now, plus the fact that she also has depression issues that have made her an emotional wreck, especially in the aftermath of the affair. Based on my own reaction to my mistakes, I have some empathy for what she is going through currently. I know how it feels to fail at living up to your own core values of honesty and betray the trust of someone close to you. On the other hand, even though she says she loves me, I don't feel very appreciated. I don't think she feels the passion towards me the way she felt about this married POSOM during her affair. We've never had a very intense physical relationship, except maybe at the very beginning and that too was pretty vanilla. This woman who has never ever talked dirty with me was sexting this guy (no pictures, just text). Personally, I'm not one to give up on marriage easily. What I have seen here is that unresolved resentment is a huge factor in people entering into affairs. It is hard to talk about the hard stuff (an overweight spouse, lack of sexual desire for your spouse, resentment over financial issues, etc.). But that resentment that is stuffed down comes out eventually and it's almost always in a less controlled fashion than you would like. I have found that I will never allow resentment to build in me and I will always foster an environment where my partner can raise issues without me becoming defensive. It has to be "safe" for you both to talk and resolve issues. What I am seeing here is two people that are pretty conflict-avoidant. Who wants to fight with their spouse, right? But it doesn't work. By your own admission, her resentment towards your financial dishonesty manifested itself in an affair for her. My honest advice is to restore your marriage and do it via opena and safe dialogue. In fact, as soon as you find yourself hesitant to discuss something, that's exactly when you know you need to discuss it. Maybe it's not right this second (take time to create a safe environment for a real discussion) but it has to be addressed. You seem to have forgiveness in your heart about your wife's affair. She can probably forgive your financial dishonesty. Call it even. Welcome to the "worse" part of your marriage vows. Now get to fixing it. It's always darkest before the dawn. My $.02 anyway.
Author boer Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 Personally, I'm not one to give up on marriage easily. What I have seen here is that unresolved resentment is a huge factor in people entering into affairs. It is hard to talk about the hard stuff (an overweight spouse, lack of sexual desire for your spouse, resentment over financial issues, etc.). But that resentment that is stuffed down comes out eventually and it's almost always in a less controlled fashion than you would like. I have found that I will never allow resentment to build in me and I will always foster an environment where my partner can raise issues without me becoming defensive. It has to be "safe" for you both to talk and resolve issues. What I am seeing here is two people that are pretty conflict-avoidant. Who wants to fight with their spouse, right? But it doesn't work. By your own admission, her resentment towards your financial dishonesty manifested itself in an affair for her. My honest advice is to restore your marriage and do it via opena and safe dialogue. In fact, as soon as you find yourself hesitant to discuss something, that's exactly when you know you need to discuss it. Maybe it's not right this second (take time to create a safe environment for a real discussion) but it has to be addressed. You seem to have forgiveness in your heart about your wife's affair. She can probably forgive your financial dishonesty. Call it even. Welcome to the "worse" part of your marriage vows. Now get to fixing it. It's always darkest before the dawn. My $.02 anyway. Thanks for your advice. Our problem is that ever since the proverbial **** hit the fan, our interactions have not been conflict averse. Pretty much every discussion delves into a verbal joust, with a lot of hurtful things being said. My take on this is that for there to be a healthy and fair process of reconciliation, she has to do the heavy lifting in the near-term and express to me honestly how she feels about me emotionally and physically. Even a month ago, she had doubts about how she felt about me. Now, she is resentful that I'm going around doing all this fun stuff that she felt I wasn't doing earlier. Perhaps that is what triggered her to panic at losing me. I admit that I wasn't a very exciting person when I was in the middle of my kak (Afrikaans for what it sounds like), which makes me afraid that she will get bored and repeat this the next time I go through a funk. Another part of me is also really wants to go out and find out what is there. By being more social, I've run into a lot of interesting people and women seem a lot more attracted to me than when I was in my twenties. I've even gotten several offers of dates. Strangely, I feel I wouldn't care if she went out and dated also. Funny reversal from just a couple of months ago, when I was a panicked mess after finding out she was with another man.
BetrayedH Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 It's a dilemma to be sure. You are correct that she needs to do the heavy lifting. The key component that I see in successful reconciliations is a wayward that does individual counseling (IC) to get at the root of "why" they had an affair. The logical/healthy/respectful/ethical choice when faced with a difficult marriage is either to fix the marriage or to divorce. She chose a third option which was hurtful, unhealthy, disrespectful, and unethical. She herself probably wouldn't agree that having an affair is a decent solution to anything and that it is against her values. So why did she do it? The answer is that something is broken eithin the wayward spouse. It's typically either severe conflict-avoidance, an excessive need for external validation, or an over-developed sense of entitlement. And these things usually stem from childhood. You hit the nail on the head when you ask how you are supposed to trust her if your marriage ever hits another low point. She has to dig deep to determine why she chose this destructive path rather than a healthy one and it usually goes back to childhood or our family of origin. If she digs that deep, maybe she can take steps to avoid that path in the future AND at the same time, rebuild trust with you that she would never make such a decision again. But you also have a choice. For some, infidelity is a dealbreaker and it just takes us time to make such a decision. At first we are stuck in shock and typically just walk around in the nuclear fall-out trying to put the pieces of our life/marriage back together again. It's common not to get angry until we feel "safe" and that can come months later. You have to decide if she gets a chance to repair this. If so, give her the chance and cut off this social life business. Your part is also to commit to dealing with her without the anger. No yelling and no swearing. Give her a safe place to be as vulnerable in the way that you are requesting. Don't punish her honesty. There is a quick book called, How to Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair, that is a good starting point for her. Most waywards have no clue what to do and really step into a lot of pitfalls. Good luck.
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